The skateboard park that Dick was talking about turned out to be farther away than I anticipated. On top of that, it was in a part of Gotham that was less than safe, which was made obvious by the walk that Dick and I took from the bus. We passed seven muggings, four petty thefts, and three street fights before we got to the abandoned neighbourhood. It was the same part of town that he had taken me to dye my hair; the shop was just a few blocks west.
"Leave it," Dick said as he tugged me away from breaking up another mugging. He insisted that we just ignore them, as they were never as big of deals as the victims always said. It was Gotham, if there wasn't a gun involved, it was sort of a joke. I rolled my eyes, just wanting to send my fist into some lowlife.
"I'm not a dog," I responded as I returned to his side, shaking the sleeve of my jacket from his grasp. It was strange seeing him in regular clothing, even though I had once before. He wore a dark blue shirt with his black pants, and even in the setting sun I could see how it complemented his eyes.
"Yeah, but a leash wouldn't hurt." He eyed me in amusement as I scoffed, once again keeping my eyes out for anything out of the ordinary. I'm staring at what was likely a trash can but might've been someone crouching down when Dick grabbed my hand, forcing me to look at him instead, "Would you relax?"
I sighed, "Sorry. I'm just on edge. This isn't what I had in mind when you said you wanted to take me on a date."
"I figured I'd need more than dinner and a movie to impress you," he said before tugging on my arm, "Follow me."
I did as he requested, and we walked past the dip in the ground that skateboarders would use and approached a chain link fence.
"What's the plan now, wise guy?" I quirked an eyebrow at the obvious barrier, which was also wrapped with barbed wire at the top.
"Since when are you not up for an adventure?" he quipped, lifting up a disconnected part of the fence and gesturing for me to crawl through, "After you, m'lady."
I grinned, "And they say chivalry is dead."
He followed me through, and we came out facing a brick wall. I laughed.
"Oh yeah, this is real nice." I nodded, stroking the surface and turning to Dick, "Who told you I had a thing for grout? Was it Artemis?"
Clearly done with my antics, he just patted a spot on the dry grass and nodded, "Yep. They don't call me the Duke of Romance for nothing. I was thinking we could throw rocks, and maybe if you want to take things further I'll show you where all the sewage pipes are."
"Woah." I hold up my hands dramatically, "At least buy me dinner first, Grayson."
"Come on." He rolled his eyes and began walking along the wall as I snickered, dropping the eccentric expression and instead following him once more. I had more degrading jokes up my sleeve, ready to pull out and use if we were to turn the corner and find a dumpster, but they all got lost when I saw what was really behind the wall.
It was a medium sized, undercover area, clearly a spot for kids to play before it was deemed too dangerous due to the massive hole that was in the roof. I could see traces of hopscotch on the ground, faded from the years of neglect and now reduced to a few numbers and lines. But it wasn't the old use of the place that was what awed me, it was what it had been transformed into now.
Yellow lights were strung up across the ceiling, hanging from either side and casting a dreamlike glow on the walls, which were covered in art. Not paintings or photographs, but graffiti. Street art. It was everywhere, covering each inch of the brick and showing images of a million different things. Animals, people, words. What caught my eye most was the piece done on the closest wall, which was of a face split right down the middle. Half of it was sad and twisted, dark clouds around its head, and the other was bright and happy, the sun gracing its cheek. I gently pressed my hand to it in wonder, admiring the detail before noticing the blanket lain on the ground.
"What is this, a picnic?" I turned to Dick, who had been watching me closely to see my reaction. I had been ready to ridicule such a concept when I saw his face. He was nervous. He didn't think I'd like it. Little did he know I didn't give a shit what we did, I just wanted to spend time with him. So I smiled, "This place is insane. I don't know how I've never been here."
"No one has." He shrugged, and I almost told him that I wasn't no one.
"Yeah, but," I said as I stared around at everything again, "I mean, I've been to every nook and cranny in this city."
"Not every one," he said, smiling as if this in itself was a victory before shrugging, "besides, I put the lights up yesterday."
I turned back to him in surprise, "You did?"
He nodded, almost seeming shy, and I couldn't hold in my shock.
"Why?"
"What do you mean why?" He frowned, before seeing my confused look and understanding, "For you, idiot. I wanted to show you something you haven't seen before."
I stayed rooted to the ground as he stepped forward, taking my hands in his.
"Something as beautiful as you," he said slowly, almost as if expecting me to make fun of him for it. I probably would've, if I wasn't so flattered. He had done all this for me, and I hadn't done anything for him.
"Oh, please." I rolled my eyes, though it was weak, "Dick, I'm not beautiful, don't lie to yourself."
I had no space to be my usual cocky self. I could admit I was smart, and funny, and great at throwing knives, but I wouldn't go so far to say I was pretty. Criminals aren't pretty, and I used to be one.
"How can you say that?" He muttered with a troubled frown, and I shrugged easily.
"Like this." I yanked up the sleeve of my shirt and brandished my scars before going to pull it down so I no longer had to look at them. Before I had the chance to do so, Dick grabbed my hand, stopping me.
"Your scars don't make you ugly," he said, and I forced myself to look away from them to meet his eyes, "if anything, they make you even more beautiful. You're strong. Don't you know that?"
I felt my heart swell, and though I didn't believe him, I didn't want to ruin the gesture, so I smiled.
"Okay."
"You don't believe me," he said, calling me out and making my heart sink and my eyes roll.
"Look, I appreciate you trying, but I've got these scars all over my body. They're ugly, Dick," I said flatly, pulling my hands from him and turning away with shame. I didn't have time to wallow however, because I was once again pulled back to face Dick, who just smiled down at me.
"Maybe to you," he said, "but in my eyes, you're the most beautiful girl I've ever seen."
"Then you need to get your eyes checked," I snarked, and he laughed, touching my chin as a smile played on my lips.
"And you need to get a new mirror."
I grinned, and he took his chance, leaning down and kissing me once more. My instinct once again was to pull away, afraid for some unknown reason. But as he tugged me closer and smiled into the kiss, his eyes fluttering closed, I could feel myself giving in, and soon my eyes were shut as well. His hands on the small of my back and mine resting lightly on his chest, we only pulled away after a moment, and I felt the fear slipping away. Slowly, but surely.
Dick and I hung out for hours, just talking and laughing and watching the sun go down. Soon the stars were out, and it was only then that I realized how long it had been since we arrived. Time flew by so quickly when I was with him. There was never a boring minute.
So I was shocked when I checked my watch to see it was past eleven, and I sat up suddenly. We had been lying next to each other on the blanket he brought, talking about school and trying to find constellations, which he knew way more about than me.
"What's wrong?" He asked, sitting up as well as I frowned.
"It's late," I said before looking at him and realizing I didn't exactly have anywhere I needed to be.
"And?" Dick said, quirking an amused eyebrow.
"That's it." I dropped my hand, relaxing once more and lying back down. He chuckled, returning to his space as well. I turned onto my side, closing my eyes and facing Dick as I rested my head on my arm. I could hear him shift as well, and opened my eyes to see him staring at me, which I found was something he did a lot. I returned to the darkness of my eyelids and smiled, "Take a picture, it'll last longer."
I could practically hear his smirk, but I remained blind, only resurfacing to speak again.
"Why did you hate me so much at the beginning of the year?" I asked out of the blue, wanting the answer to this burning question. His expression changed, almost as if he'd been expecting me to bring this up, and I wondered if he had a plan on what to say.
"I felt threatened by you," he said slowly and carefully, "you were this new kid from Canada, and you didn't care. You were too put together for a teenager. I guess now I know why."
So the reason he hated me so much was because he felt threatened. Something didn't add up. Then again, I hated Lauren because I felt threatened, so maybe both of us just have an issue with despising people before they can make their opinion on us. I decided to drop it, which was made easy when Dick suddenly sat up and pulled me with him.
"I want to show you something," he said, and a smile played on my lips.
"Something cooler than the brick wall?"
"Well, no, but close," he answered mysteriously, tugging me to my feet and away from the nook we had been in. I let him lead me around the same brick wall we came in, though heading in the opposite direction of the hole in the chain link fence. I quirked a curious eyebrow when he led me to a rusty old latter, a sign saying 'Authorized Personnel Only' still legible through the mold that ate at it.
"Didn't take you for a rule breaker, Grayson," I said teasingly, and he waggled his eyebrows.
"What can I say? I'm a bit of a bad boy," he said with a shrug, looking both ways before leaning down and speaking in a whisper, "Sometimes I ride my bike without a helmet."
"My god you're a madman." I shook my head solemnly, "You couldn't have told me this before I agreed to the date?"
"Didn't want to risk you saying no," he said teasingly, starting up the latter and gesturing for me to follow as I rolled my eyes.
The climb was longer than I anticipated, and the cold steel on my hands reminded me of when I had climbed the water tower to find the Joker. It was just over a week ago, and yet it seemed so much longer.
Thinking about him made me instantly uneasy, my eyes darting sideways as if expecting him to jump out of thin air. Once again I was reminded of the fact that just by being out in Gotham at night, I was putting Dick in danger.
Had I not learned anything from what happened with my other friends? Sure, Dick knew about my past, and sure he hadn't run yet, but he didn't know everything. If he did, there was no way he'd look at me, let alone take me on a date and kiss me. The thought made me sad and guilty all at once, turning the sweet night bitter just as we reached the top.
The pit that had gathered in my stomach during the trek was large, but I was momentarily distracted from it by the view of the building we were now on.
I had been on nearly every rooftop in Gotham, but somehow, some way, I hadn't been on the one that Dick was taking me to now. And somehow, the view from this building outdid the others by a landslide.
The lights of Gotham City shone up at us like stars on the ground, and I watched as a few turned out when people gave in to the night and recharged for the morning. Cars moved along the streets below like ants hard at work, undoubtedly inhabited by people yawning and promising themselves this would be the last night they'd stay late to work. From this building, you could see all of Downtown Gotham, and even into the first few streets of Midtown, across the river. The fog then ate up the rest, leaving it to the imagination, or in this case, the map of it that lay permanently in my brain. From here, it felt like we were the only ones really awake, everyone else was going to bed and missing it all. Why sleep when you can see something like this?
My breath was caught in my throat, my eyes darting around trying to take all of it in while Dick just stared at me. I eventually looked to him, and to his eyes. His bright, electric blue eyes that stole my breath in a moment. The view was nothing compared to them. I recalled looking into Sam's eyes and thinking they were beautiful, but this was different. I lost myself in Sam's eyes, but I found myself in Dick's.
In this moment, I forgot that the people below were people I'd likely traumatized at one point in my life. I forgot that there were hundreds of families down there that were still getting over their grief because of me. I forgot that even without my burden, this city was a crime ridden and fake place. It all slipped my mind easily, and all that mattered was this view, and this boy.
This boy.
I looked at him, and he had this small smile on his face as he watched me. The things he didn't know made me nauseous, and just like that, I remembered. I looked back at the bustling city and remembered what I'd done. Just like that, the beauty vanished and was replaced with anguish and cruel reality. The lights no longer looked like stars, more so like annoying flickering bulbs, going out one by one. The cars no longer reminded me of ants, not with their angry honking and swerving through red lights. The fog hung low over everything, like a constant reminder that this was Gotham, and it would always be burdened by tragedy and death. And part of that was on me. The moment was gone as I stared down at my feet at last, unable to look at the boy who had brought me here and unable to look at the now spoiled view. No matter what I felt for Dick, it'd be wrong not to tell him.
"Dick, I—"
"There's something I've been meaning to tell you for a while," he cut me off, and I tore my eyes away from my boots to stare at him. He looked more nervous than I felt, and for a moment I expected him to blurt out that he too had killed countless people. Then I remembered he was just a teenage boy, and there was only one thing he could really be so anxious for.
I figured that this was him asking me to be his girlfriend. For us to be an item, a pair. To do things like this together all the time, and laugh, and kiss, and pretend like it was all okay.
I couldn't let him even get the words out before I spoke the ones I so badly wanted to keep to myself but knew I had to say.
"I can't be with you." My eyes drifted back down to my shoes, and Dick choked on whatever he was about to say.
"What?"
"I can't be with you, Dick," I said again, though I knew he heard me the first time. I looked up into his eyes, at his hurt and taken aback expression, but it only made things worse, "It's not that I don't like you, I just made a promise to myself not to put anyone in danger. You deserve someone better than me."
"Hersh, you aren't—"
"Please don't make this harder than it has to be," I said quietly, stepping forward and making to approach him before stopping myself two feet away. I took a deep breath, not liking the sinking sadness in my heart that was weighing me down like an anvil, "I care about you too much to let you get hurt."
It was a lot for me to say. It was more than I had ever felt, let alone expressed verbally.
"I've done some bad things, Dick," I whispered, though it felt like I was screaming. Tears pricked my vision, and I pushed them away, "not like—" I laughed sadly, "—riding a bicycle without a helmet, but really terrible, unforgivable things. I can't drag you into this. I can't lose you too."
I thought of my parents, and how I had gone to find them only for them to die. I had no doubt that if the Joker found out I was with Dick, he would kill him too. I couldn't be the reason for his death as well.
He didn't say anything, just looking completely torn and troubled, as if something was eating away at him and he couldn't spit it out. I didn't care. Nothing he could've said would've changed my mind. I wanted to hug him, and kiss him goodbye, but I knew it would only make things more difficult, so I just stepped back, towards the latter, and glanced one last time at my boots.
"I'm sorry," I muttered pathetically before turning on my heel and heading off the edge. I didn't take the latter, however, just disappearing so quickly that if Dick came after me I'd already be gone.
His sorrowful and broken gaze was imprinted in my brain as I fled from him. I had done what I had to, and yet I felt just as awful and guilty as I had felt whilst climbing up to the top of the building in the first place. What sort of sick game had no option where I won? What sort of twisted emotions led to inevitable heartbreak? Either way I was hurting him, and that was the last thing I wanted to do.
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January 3rd, 2020
Hey y'all, we're getting to the end of this, and I wanna thank the few people reading you guys mean a lot. If you catch any spelling mistakes please let me know. Comment, vote, all that.
Word count: 3300
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