11 – Change
Halos hindi na ako makagalaw mula sa kinatatayuan ko. I gulped so hard when a familiar song came up. Nanlalambot ang tuhod ko at parang hindi ko na kaya pang magpatuloy.
Is this why my mom is mad? Because of the groom?
Pati ang pakakasalan ko ay binago ni Tita Alondra?
Lumibot ang paningin ko sa mga tao. Almost all of them are smiling except my mom, Daniel, and Amethyst. Nanindig ang balahibo ko nang makitang malawak ang ngiti ni Faye.
D-does she know?
Humigpit ang hawak ko sa bouquet. Pakiramdam ko ay hindi maaagaw ng mga bulaklak ang atensiyon ko. I inhaled deeply and forced myself to act fine. Kahit na gulong-gulo ay nagpatuloy ako sa paglalakad. Ayden was just there, standing and waiting. His face is serious with his eyes darted to me.
Gustong tumulo ng mga luha ko sa sobrang frustration at kaba. Bakit ito ang kanta? What is happening? Where is Atlas? Bakit hindi siya ang naroon sa altar? Bakit si Ayden?
Nanginginig ang kamay na iniabot ko ang braso ni daddy. He wiped his eyes using a tissue and held my hand tightly. Gusto ko mang maramdaman ang emosyon niya ngayon ngunit hindi ko magawa. All I hear was the song and my racing heart beat.
Bumalik ang tingin ko sa puwesto nina Daniel. He looks disappointed. So is Amethyst. Nang makita ni Faye ang tingin ko sa kaniya ay ngumuso lang siya saka inipit sa likod ng tainga ang buhok.
I bit my lower lip and forced myself to smile in front of the camera. Tita Alondra was clapping her hands with Tita Ignatius by her side. Ngayon ay nakangiti na ang ina ko dahil sa kaniya na nakatutok ang camera.
Lalong humampas ang dibdib ko nang makalapit kami sa altar. Pinilit ko ang sarili kong kumalma at huwag maiyak. There's so many people! I can't cry!
My mom plastered a smile on her lips when she faced Tita Alondra. Malawak ang ngiti ni tita bago niyakap si mommy.
"Your daughter is going to be a Valdemar now, Alondra.." she whispered.
My mom faked a laugh. "Oh my! Please take care of my daughter. I love her so much!"
Lalong nadagdagan ang pagka-irita ko sa sinabi niya. Kanina lang ay galit na galit siya at halos patayin si tita sa isip niya. Ngayon naman ay nagbabait-baitan.
Tita Alondra hugged my dad. "Welcome to the family, Cesar.."
Hinawakan nang marahan ni mommy ang braso ko saka binaltak para yumakap. Halos matumba ako roon ngunit hindi ko na ininda.
"I hate you to bits, Anastasia." She whispered. "Pipili ka na lang ng pakakasalan, 'yong wala pang maibibigay sa 'yo."
Her words pierced my heart. Imbis na hayaang tumulo ang luha ko ay niyakap ko siya pabalik.
"I hate you to bits, too.." mapait kong sabi. "Ipagbibili mo na lang ako, sa mga taong pinaplastik mo pa."
Agad niya akong binitiwan na nanlalaki ang mga mata. I mockingly smiled at her. Napakurap-kurap siya dahil sa sinabi ko. I looked around to smile at the visitors. Nawala ang ngiti ko nang bumalik ang mga mata ko kay mommy.
A warm hand touched me. Agad na nagwala ang dibdib ko at lumingon. It was my dad, handing me to Ayden.
Parang sasabog ang puso ko na tumingin kay Tita Alondra.
"I hope you are happy, Anastasia.." she sweetly said. "You didn't tell me na hindi si Atlas ang gusto mo. I hope I made you happy."
Naluluha ang kaniyang mga mata. Kahit na naguguluhan ay tumango ako sa kaniya. What does she mean? How did she know that I don't like Atlas? At bakit parang sinasabi niyang si Ayden ang gusto ko kaya niya pinalitan ang groom?
How did she know that?!
I gulped when I looked at Ayden. Seryoso pa rin ang mukha niya ngunit mapungay na ang mga mata. His hand was gentle and warm. My heart didn't stop beating wildly.
Sabay kaming humarap sa altar. Walang nagsalita sa amin kahit na sino. Hanggang ngayon ay lakas pa rin ng kabog ng dibdib ko ang naririnig ko.
I can't help myself but to look back at my friends. Daniel still looks disappointed. Amethyst is so serious and Faye is in all smile. She's still clapping her hands. Agad na binalingan siya ni Am saka ibinaba ang kamay at may ibinulong.
Sa gawing gilid ng altar ay nakita ko si Atlas na nakangiti pa rin. Damn him. This is his plan? Ito ang ipinagmamalaki niya? At siya pa ang best man?
How dare his existence do this to me?
"Don't think of any way to get out. Wala kang matatakasan dito."
Nanindig ang balahibo ko sa lalim ng pabulong niyang boses. He tilted his head and stared at me. Bagay talaga ang singkit niyang mata sa facial structure niya. Para akong nalulunod sa titig niya.
Umirap na lang ako. I can always file an annulment. I will find a way. Hindi man ngayon, basta't hahanap ako ng paraan.
"Makakatakas ako." I confidently said.
He silently chuckled. Humigpit ang hawak niya sa kamay ko. "Hindi kita patatakasin."
I chuckled too. "Hindi ko kailangan ng permiso mo."
The pastor in front of us cleared his throat to get our attention. Natahimik kaming pareho. May iilang mga binasa ang pastor mula sa Bible na hawak niya. It's verses about love.
"You can run. You can hide. But you can never get away from me.." he huskily said. "Dadalhin mo na ang pangalan ko simula ngayon."
Nagwala ang dibdib ko sa sinabi niya. I forced myself to act that I'm not affected. Nagpatuloy ako sa pakikinig sa sinasabi ng pastor habang marahang hinihimas ni Ayden ang likod ng kamay ko gamit ang hinlalaki niya na nagiging distraksiyon ko.
Nag-angat ng tingin sa amin ang pastor. He smiled to the both of us before proceeding.
"Dear friends and family, we are gathered here today to witness and celebrate the union of Ignatius and Anastasia in marriage. Through their time together, they have come to realize that their personal dreams, hopes, and goals are more attainable and more meaningful through the combined effort and mutual support provided in love, commitment, and family; and so today, they will begin their life together, as husband and wife..”
Para akong unti-unting binubuhusan ng malamig na tubig sa unti-unti ko ring pagkaintindi sa sinabi ng matanda. Mula sa pwesto ko ay rinig ko ang hikbi ng ama ko.
"How can you do this to me?" Nanliliit na matang bulong ko. "Bakit ikaw?"
"Bakit hindi ako?" Tanong niya pabalik.
Umangat ang tingin sa amin ng pastor. Natahimik na naman kaming pareho. Iniayos niya ang salamin niya saka nagpatuloy sa pagbabasa.
"Ignatius and Anastasia - Today you enter as individuals, but you will leave here as husband and wife, blending your lives, expanding your family ties, and embarking upon the grandest adventure of human interaction. The story of your life together is still yours to write. All those present have come to witness and celebrate your love and commitment this day - eager to be a part of the story not yet told.."
"You are not my fiancé.." agad kong sabi.
"Yeah.." he whispered. "But I am your end game."
My heart didn't calm down. Patuloy ang pagwawala nito habang hawak ni Ayden ang kamay ko.
"True marriage is more than simply joining two persons together through the bonds of matrimony. It is also the union of two hearts and the blending of two families. It lives on the love you give each other and never grows old, but also thrives on the joy of each new day. Marriage is, and should be, an expression of love. May you always be able to talk things over, to confide in each other, to laugh with each other, to enjoy life together, and to also share those moments of quiet and peace, when the day is done. May you be blessed with a lifetime of happiness and a home of warmth and understanding.." he continued.
Marriage is an expression of love? Siguro ang mga taong nakakaalam ng katotohanan sa kasal na ito ay matatawa kapag narinig nila ang sinasabi ng pastor.
"Stupid plan." I snorted. "I don't want you to be my husband."
He tightly held my hand. Gusto kong bawiin ang kamay ko ngunit ayokong gumawa ng eskandalo. Mapapahiya pa kaming pareho rito.
"I want you to be my wife.." he said. "You're the only one I want."
Aangil pa sana ako sa sinabi niya ngunit nang mapagtanto ko ang ibig niyang sabihin ay natameme ako. I hardly shut my eyes, inhaling and exhaling deeply, with the hopes of having my heart to calm down.
"When you love someone, you do not love them all the time, in exactly the same way, from moment to moment. Such is an impossibility, and even a lie to pretend to. And yet this is what many of us demand. We have so little faith in the ebb and flow of life, of love, of relationships. We leap at the flow of the tide and resist in terror its ebb. We are afraid it will never return. We insist on permanency, on duration, on continuity; when the only continuity possible, in life as in love, is in growth, in fluidity - in freedom, in the sense that the dancers are free, barely touching as they pass, but partners in the same pattern, as they share their common journey.."
I gulped. He's right. When you love, you do not love them all the time. May mga panahong gugustuhin mo na lamang na burahin sila sa mundo. Minsan ay mapapatanong ka kung tama pa ba, kung lalaban pa ba, o susuko na. Hindi sa lahat ng pagkakataon ay puro pagmamahal.
"Ignatius and Anastasia, today you choose each other before your family and friends, to begin your life together. For all the tomorrows that follow, you will choose each other over and again, in the privacy of your hearts. Let your love and friendship guide you, as you learn and grow together. Experience the wonders of the world, even as patience and wisdom calm the restless nature. Through your new partnership, may you triumph over the challenges in your path. Through the comfort of loving arms, may you always find a safe place to call home.."
Nang matapos ang pagsasalita ng pastor ay inutusan niya kaming magharap. A lot of phones were directed to us. Parang hindi ko maigalaw ang binti ko dahil sa kaba.
A safe place to call home..
I don't want to look at him. I don't want to see his eyes. I don't want to get swayed again. Ayokong maalala kung paano ko pinangarap noon na makarating kami rito. Noon na lang iyon. Nagbago na ang lahat. It will never be the same.
Pinilit ko ang sarili kong tignan siya na walang nararamdamang emosyon. I don't want myself to believe lies again. I don't want fake promises. I don't want anything from him anymore.
Isang batang lalaki ang lumapit sa altar, hawak ang isang eleganteng kahon. It's glass and it's edge was lined with a golden material. He stood seriously beside the pastor while pouting. Ang tingin niya ay na kay Ayden. I look at him and saw him raising his brows at the child.
Kumunot ang noo ng batang lalaki saka binuksan ang kahon. It was the rings.
Nanatili ang tuwid niyang tayo habang kinukuha ng pastor ang mga singsing sa loob. Lalong sumama ang mukha ng bata nang ngumiti si Ayden sa kaniya.
Siguro ay ayaw ng batang ito sa mga pangit kaya siya galit sa katabi ko.
Nilingon ko ang ina ko na ngayon ay pinupunasan ang mga mata ngunit galit pa rin ang tingin. My dad was crying so hard. Si Tita Alondra naman ay nakangiti pa rin habang namumula na ang mga mata. Tito Ignatius was just casual.
My eyes went to my friends. Daniel isn't even looking at us. Faye is still smiling with her red puffy eyes. Si Amethyst ay nakanguso habang nakatingin sa taas.
Why are they crying? Malungkot din sa kamiserablehan ng buhay ko?
The pastor spoke again to guide us for the vow and exchanging of rings. Para nang lalabas ang puso ko sa kulungan nito sa sobrang kaba. Mariin kong ipinikit ang mata ko nang maramdaman ko na naman ang mainit na kamay ni Ayden sa palad ko.
He was holding the ring with his right hand while looking at me intently. I looked at him in the eye. Parang nawala ang kaba ko nang iba ang emosyong naramdaman sa tingin niya.
"I, Ignatius, promise you, Anastasia Elissa, that I will be your husband from this day forward, to be faithful and honest in every way, to honor the faith and trust you place in me, to love and respect you in your successes and in your failures.."
His lips were smiling but his eyes are telling me something. Malalim ang mga mata niya at parang pagod na nasasaktan.
It looks... It looks sad.
Kumirot ang puso ko nang para siyang nahihirapang magsalita. Iilan lang ang mga bagay na maaari naming sabihin ngayon ngunit ang mga mata niya ang nagsasabing marami pang mga salita ang pinipigilan niyang ilabas.
Bakit hindi niya ginamit ang Ayden? Bakit Ignatius Valdemar lang?
"To make you laugh and to be there when you cry, to care for you in sickness and in health, to softly kiss you when you are hurting, and to be your companion and your friend, on this journey that we make together.."
Dumausdos ang singsing sa daliri ko. A tear fell from my eye. Agad ko iyong pinunasan.
"I have for you a golden ring. The most precious metal symbolizes that your love is the most precious element in my life. The ring has no beginning and no ending, which symbolizes that the love between us will never cease. I place it on your finger as a visible sign of the vows which have made us husband and wife.."
Hindi ko alam kung bakit ako nasasaktan sa sinabi niya. Kung bakit kailangan ko pang iyakan ang simple at common na vow na sinabi niya.
Nanginig ang boses ko. "I will f-forever wear this ring as a sign of my commitment and the desire of my heart.."
"I pledge to you endless strength that you can count on when you are weak. I'll be your music when you can't hear, your sunshine when you can't see, or your perfume when you can't smell. You'll never need to look further than me. I'll be your days and nights when you need them filled, your spark of life in the darkness, your hope when you're down and out.."
Dahil ba iyon sa mga mata niya? Dahil sa kalungkutan kong ito na ang kasal ko? O dahil sa katotohanang ito ang pangarap ko noon, pero hindi sa ganitong paraan na nangyayari ngayon?
"I will love you 'til the end of time.."
Umangat ang tingin ko sa kaniya. He smiled at me. Another tear fell. He wiped it using his thumb. Hindi ko napigilang lalong umiyak nang hawakan niya ang pisngi ko.
I was told to just say traditional vow! Bakit ganito ang kaniya? Ito ba ang traditional?
I can't be feeling this way. Hindi dapat ito ang nararamdaman ko. I shouldn't cry. Hindi ito ang dapat na reaksiyon ko. Hindi ito dapat ang isinisigaw ng puso ko.
"I, Anastasia Elissa, take you Ayden Ignatius, to be my husband, to have and to hold from this day forward, for better or for worse, for richer, for poorer, in sickness and in health, to love and to cherish; from this day forward until death do us part.."
Kasabay ng panginginig ng boses ko ay ang panginginig ng kamay ko habang naghahandang isuot sa kaniya ang singsing.
"I give you this ring, a symbol of my love, as I give to you, all that I am, and accept from you, all that you are. With this ring, I thee wed, and with it, I bestow upon thee all the treasures of my mind, my heart, and my hands.."
Mabilis kong isinuot sa daliri niya ang singsing. He smiled but I see sadness in his eyes. I wiped my tears away and cleared my throat.
"I will wear it gladly. Whenever I look at it, I will remember this joyous day and the vows and commitments that we have made.." he responded.
Tita Alondra is now crying while Tito Ignatius is holding her. Ngayon ay nagpupunas na ng luha si Amethyst habang si Faye naman ay pinapaypayan ang sarili gamit ang kamay para kumalma. Daniel is now looking at me. Hindi na galit at malamlam na ang mga mata niya.
"Wedding rings are made precious by wearing them. Your rings say that even in your uniqueness, you have chosen to be bound together. Let these rings also be a sign that love has substance as well as soul, a present as well as a past, and that, despite its occasional sorrows, love is a circle of happiness, wonder, and delight. May these rings remind you always of the vows you have taken here today.."
May mahaba pang sinabi ang pastor na ngayo'y nakangiti na sa amin. Patuloy ang pagtulo ng mga luha ko sa hindi ko alam na kadahilanan at patuloy din ako sa pagpupunas.
We faced each other once again. Lumakas ang tibok ng puso ko nang mapagtanto ang sinasabi ng pastor.
"And now, by the power vested in me, I hereby pronounce you husband and wife. You may now kiss.."
Ipinikit ko ang mga mata ko. I am now a Valdemar. I hope my mom is happy.
Nagsigawan ang mga tao kasabay ng palakpakan. Kahit na ganoon ay dinig ko pa rin ang hagulgol ng ina ko.
"Ignatius, you may now kiss your bride.." nakangiting sabi ng pastor.
I gulped. I saw his eyes flashed with desire. I bit my lower lip to calm my heart. It's just a kiss! Damn it!
Tumulala ako sa kaniya nang nanatili siyang nakatayo sa harap ko at walang ginawa. I raised my brow.
"What are you doing?" I asked.
Hindi siya sumagot. He just stood in front of me, looking at me intently.
I rolled my eyes. "What the heck, Ayden? It's just a kiss!"
Sinabi ko iyon na parang wala lang sa akin ngunit ang totoo ay halos mangatog ako ngayon sa kaba.
He shrugged. "If you say so."
He took a step and gently placed his left hand on my waist. Lalong nagwala ang puso ko nang dumausdos ang isa pa niyang kamay sa pisngi ko.
It's just a kiss. It's just a kiss. It's just a kiss! Damn! It!
Inilapit niya sa akin ang kaniyang mukha. His nose tip met mine. I closed my eyes, still feeling the rage of my heart. Ramdam na ramdam ko ang bigat ng paghinga niya dahil sa lapit namin. Ibinukas ko ulit ang mga mata ko dahil sa tagal ngunit agad din akong napapikit nang makitang nakatingin pa rin siya sa akin.
"Ang ganda mo, Anastasia.." he whispered.
His warm lips crashed into mine. Nang magdampi ang mga labi namin ay parang may kung anong kiliti ang sumabog sa tiyan ko. My heart is hammering so hard. Akala ko ay agad siyang bibitiw ngunit hindi niya ginawa. Nagpatuloy sa pagpalakpak ang mga bisita. Some of them were even cheering.
Agad akong suminghap at naghabol ng hininga nang magbitiw kami. I looked at him and he's still looking at my lips.
Agad akong umiwas ng tingin at ngumiti sa mga bisita. I heard him chuckle and held my hand once again. Sabay kaming humarap sa mga bisita habang magkahawak ang kamay.
Mommy was crying so hard. Hindi siya mukhang masaya. Mukha siyang nalugi sa nangyari. Tita Alondra was very happy and smiling brightly. Nilingon ko si Daniel na ngayon ay seryoso pa rin. Amethyst was slow clapping while Faye is even jumping because of excitement.
"Please welcome, our newly weds! Ignatius and Anastasia Valdemar!"
Now, me being a Valdemar, with my ex standing beside me, I know my marriage life will be doomed.