A/N: *coughs* Um, hi. I know, I know, it's been aaaages. I'm so sorry for that but I'm alive and planning to finish this story. Firstly, thank you for loving it. It took off slowly but by now so many of you have read, liked and commented on here and it honestly makes me so happy!!! Your comments also made me crack up and laugh until my belly ached, so thanks for that I guess lol. I hope some of you are still here and didn't give up on me and my lazy ass. Now, we'll talk more later. For now, here is a new chapter and I hope you won't hate me for it... I hope I will get the hang of updating regularly again so you won't have to wait long.
*ducks away in fear of what's going to happen when I upload*
* * *
Arthur had to stay in hospital over Christmas, but otherwise the holidays managed to lift our spirits. When the whole turmoil about the incident in the Ministry had subsided, we prepared the house. Molly urged me to help her, so I did. At first, I thought she wanted to distract me from the whole Hogwarts situation, but It turned out she wanted to talk to me... about Sirius.
"You know, I hope he will get better now that you're here," she said. "He's a ghost of himself most of the time. Drinks too much, I'm sure."
"He's drinking?" It shouldn't surprise me, considering that he had that bottle of Firewhiskey in our bedroom the night I came back. But it's still not something I had reckoned with.
"He doesn't let on, but I notice the missing bottles," Molly explained. "it's still moderate I'd say but I'm concerned anyway."
"Thanks for telling me," I replied, helping her hang up some garlands.
She gave me a sad smile. "I know this is not an easy situation for you. He missed you, but that's only a fraction of his problems."
"He wants to help," I said. "And he understands why he can't, but that doesn't make his struggle any easier."
"I hope you can help him, dear," Molly said. "It's unhealthy. He doesn't sleep, he's constantly in a bad mood."
I nodded. "Well, I hope I can take care of him."
"One more thing," Molly then said, before we headed to kitchen. "Don't forget to take care of yourself."
She was right. I didn't exactly feel great either, but Sirius was undoubtedly carrying a heavier burden at the moment. When you really love someone, you try to solve their problems before you fix your own, even if it's exhausting, because seeing them suffer is the worst thing in the world. It's not always healthy and sometimes being selfish would be the better option, but in my case, part of it even is selfish. I love Sirius and I can only truly be happy if he is happy. I want him and our old life back, and I know it's impossible but maybe we can get close once things get better. I just have to hold onto this belief.
* * *
Christmas was a little beacon of hope in the midst of the mess that our lives were at the moment. But it was over as fast as it had come and the few happy days we all got to spend with each other were over before we had the chance to really make use of them. I noticed a quick change in Sirius, back to his now usual apathetic self. Now that I wasn't at Hogwarts anymore, I went on more and more missions for the Order and that must upset him as well. But as much as I wanted to console him... the missions and the stress took a toll on me and for some time I didn't realize what was happening.
I started to feel terrible. I barely slept, I had no energy after I came home from missions and whenever I needed Sirius to cheer me up, he wasn't there. He drank, he locked himself up with Buckbeak, he didn't show me any kind of affection anymore and often he didn't even spend the night in our room.
For this reason, I started to feel like I didn't have a fiancé at all but I also couldn't bring myself to do anything about it because I was drained of all energy.
I knew it was his trauma that made him ignorant, I knew that it wasn't on purpose, that his worry and loneliness and frustration were the cause. I knew all of that, but I still hurt.
I just missed him so much and I was scared that even though we were together again, I would never truly have him back.
* * *
A few weeks into these unhealthy habits, I unsurprisingly got a little bit sick and it wasn't a kind of sickness that you could magically cure. Molly forced me to take a break, sleep and eat and do nothing for at least a few days. I didn't know what to do with myself, so on the second day I walked around the house to see what still needed to be done. It was then that some Order members arrived, and I realized that I'd completely forgot about the meeting that day. Molly hadn't asked me to help prepare so I was a little overwhelmed.
I just sat out the meeting, it was only one to catch up on some missions and even Sirius didn't bother to take part. When we were done, I watched everyone leave and waited until I was alone. As I wanted to go back up to the bedroom, I noticed that Severus was still there. Had he waited for me?
"Hello, Alia," he said.
"Hi, Severus," I mumbled. It was weird, we hadn't been alone with each other in forever and I had no idea what he'd want to talk about with me.
"What is troubling you?" he asked without any kind of introduction.
"What do you mean?"
"Excuse my frankness but you look sickly and pale and it is getting worse every time I see you. You sat in the meeting most apathetically, not paying attention to anything that was said which is very unlike you. It worries me."
I sighed and shrugged. "I don't know what to tell you. It's hard for all of us."
"Black is not good for you," he then said and made step towards me until he was very close in front of me. "You seem to me like a flower that is slowly wilting, and I do not like that."
"I don't know why that is any of your business," suddenly came a voice from the entrance of the dining room. It was Sirius. He stood there watching us with a scowl.
"It is my business if one of the most capable members of the Order is impaired."
"Don't act like you're worried about Order business," Sirius said. "I know you're into her and if you were trying to fuck her on my dining table I have some bad news for you."
That he'd talk like that surprised me and I was scared the situation would escalate. "Sirius-"
He ignored me. "She isn't into you, she never will be into someone like you. Leave her alone."
"I can speak for myself, thank you very much," I snapped then and Sirius finally looked at me. I could tell that he'd felt the sting of my words, but I wouldn't let him ignore me for weeks and then patronize me. That was not how things worked with me.
Severus completely ignored him anyway and instead looked at me. "Take care of yourself, Alia."
Then he left.
Sirius stood there, looking at me, glued to the doorframe. "Why?" he asked. "Why did you stab me in the back? I wanted to make sure he left you alone."
"Don't you dare make this about me. You wanted to get back at Severus and used me for it," I exclaimed. "He was right, you know. I feel miserable and it's not like you would have noticed. I don't know if you're truly jealous, I don't think I ever gave you reason not to trust me, but I won't let you tell me who I can and can't talk to. At least he asked me how I felt, unlike you."
I tried to get past him, but he stood still. "Alia-"
"You're self-absorbed and I don't want to hear your excuses."
"You told me there had been nothing between you and him but that did not look like 'nothing'. He tried to turn you against me, don't you see?"
"Screw you," I said and I almost regret it but the look on his face shifted.
He came over to me and pulled me against him, his lips immediately found mine. He kissed me with a passion I hadn't seen on him in weeks and for a moment fell for it. I kissed him back and it felt incredibly good. But only for this short moment. I broke away and I felt terrible for it, but I just couldn't ignore what stood between us. Sirius looked at me with a sadness I couldn't quite interpret.
"This is not how this works," I mumbled and then squeezed past him. He didn't follow.