My curiosity was something that couldn’t be contained, and I found my hand creeping down to the doorknob. Surely he couldn’t be crying. This was Logan after all. Thoughts torn, I waited there for a moment with my hand on the knob. There were no more sounds from behind the door. Taking it as a sign it was probably fine to enter I proceeded to pull the door open. Sure, I still could have knocked, but knowing Logan he’d probably have shouted for me to bugger off. He wouldn’t put it so nicely either.
I stepped into his room, eyes dancing over the few pairs of clothes he had scattered on the floor. I hadn’t noticed them the last time I’d come barging in early in the night. Then again, my eyes had been distracted elsewhere. This time, however, there wasn’t a group of people waiting on his bed for my eyes. Instead there was only Logan.
My gaze met his at the same time he met mine, blue eyes raising even as he was bending forward. In an action I’d seen him do more times than I’d ever wanted to, he moved a rolled up bill to his right nostril. With one thumb pressing his other nostril closed he chased the white line, inhaling it as he went along. All the while he held my eyes. There was no reason for him to look to what he’d been doing. He could probably do it in his sleep after all.
He’d never change! Anger flashed through me and I strode forwards, shoving the tray from his lap in one fluid motion. One moment it was airborn and the next it landed on the rug, scattering about. The cigar box bounced open, a collection of tools breaking free from the wooden confines along with a small baggy of white powder. I’d barely had time to watch it fall before I was glaring at Logan. “Is there ever a second you aren’t doing drugs?!”
Quick as a flash he was on his feet, casing me to stumble back a step in fear. In less than a heartbeat his hand was in the air and I flinched in anticipation of his anger. “I didn’t think you’d come back.”
My eyes flashed open in surprise. There was no anger in his low husky voice, and the hand he’d raised wasn’t poised to strike me. Rather it was being pressed to his nose as he snuffled, deep blue eyes peering down at me. “I-“ I faltered, taking a step back to give him more space. I’d been sure he was about to attack me. “I brought you cake,” I finished lamely, looking down to the plate I had somehow managed to keep a hold on.
He reached forward, grabbing the paper plate without so much as a glance towards it. “Are you scared of me?” he asked, keen eyes piercing into mine.
I opened my mouth to tell him how ridiculous he was being then stopped. It was too late to lie to him, and I knew that denying it would only lead to him teasing me even more. “Yes I am Logan,” I confirmed with a nod. “Whenever it comes to you and you and your-“ my eyes flickered to the mess on his floor, “hobby you become ten times worse than usual.”
For some twisted reason this seemed to amuse him for he smirked, tilting his head slightly as he looked down to me. “And yet here you are.”
“I didn’t know what you were doing,” I defended myself, my hands darting to my hips. “Besides; I was just bringing you cake. You seemed upset you didn’t know it was my birthday, I didn’t want to know what you’d do if you missed out on cake as well.”
Something flashed behind his eyes but before I could distinguish just what it’d been it was gone. Looking to the cake in his hands, black hair covering the tops of his eyes, all I could make out was the tight lipped expression on his face. “Why didn’t you tell me it was your birthday?”
“Why does it matter so much?” I snapped out instead of responding. If he was about to start another fight just because of my birthday I swear to god. . . Only he didn’t say anything to my harsh tone. Instead he met my eyes. As usual I had no idea what the look that lay within them meant. Was he angry? Frustrated? I couldn’t tell. All I knew was that so far he hadn’t actually said anything rude. “I forgot about it,” I admitted, looking away feeling foolish. How could I feel guilty for being snappish after everything that had just happened in this very room?!
“You forgot?” he mirrored back at me. His tone was dripping in an acidic disbelief.
“It’s just another birthday,” I shrugged, wondering just why he seemed to care so much. “I would have realized it sooner or later.”
“Sure,” he scoffed darkly, “you just forgot you were turning eighteen.”
This time the look on his face was unmistakable. I’d seen it enough times to know just what it meant; he thought I was lying. “Why does it matter to you so much?” I asked, unable to contain the question.
“You’re legal now.”
His answer stunned me, and I returned his heavy stare with my own confused one. “Me being legal is a problem?” When he didn’t answer my eyes narrowed in angrily on his. “Logan,” I demanded his response.
Returning my anger tenfold he strode forwards, every step mirrored by my own feet stumbling backwards. “Not to you I bet,” his husky voice creeped out. It was laced with pure sarcasm. “With Lukey boy waiting-“
At the mention of Lucas I stopped dead in my tracks. “What the hell?!” I exclaimed, throwing my hands up in exasperation. My sudden outburst managed to put a halt to his advance on me. “You do such shitty things, and yet you manage to remain jealous?”
“So there’s something I should be jealous of then?” he growled back, tall figure looming over me. It would have been humorous, what with a slice of cake still in his tense hand, but his wicked smirk managed to wipe out that possibility lickity split.
“What is that even supposed to mean?” I growled right back at him. “You’re the one who was just throwing a fit because I didn’t sleep with Dylan!”
As if suddenly reminded of our earlier conversation his eyes darkened. “This is all your fault.”
My eyes danced over his figure. I took in the sturdy chest within touching distance of me, how the muscles below the tshirt seemed to be flexing and tense. Logan was wound up by both me, and whatever drugs were in his system. All I could do was hope that alcohol wasn’t also thrown into the dangerous cocktail in front of me. Logan was bad enough, but add in a dash of anything else and he seemed to become a vile monster. After all my time with him I didn’t have to be a genius to put two and two together. Sober Logan was the Logan that had wormed his way into my heart. It was only when he was like this that I started to build my wall back up to keep him out.
I turned my back on him, making my way to his door with purpose in my steps. I was sick and tired of running, but more than anything I was sick of just ignoring what was right in front of me. Logan had issues. If something didn’t happen, and happen now, the cycle would remain endless between us.
Without a second thought I closed the door, turning the lock in place before spinning on my heel to face him. “I’m not going anywhere until you explain what the hell is going on,” my words were bold and sure as my arms crossed over my chest defiantly.
“How exactly do you plan on keeping me in here?” he asked, his eyes flashing with amusement. His lips had hitched up into a wicked smirk as he allowed his eye to dance over me, making no attempt to hide the path of his intense stare.
My cheeks heated a notch on their own as I realized he had a point. I couldn’t even keep his hands off me when he decided to overpower me, how on earth was I supposed to keep him from leaving? I couldn’t. “I didn’t say anything about you,” the words slipped from my mouth as I made a spur of the moment decision. My long trim legs carried me forward, towards where he stood with eyes still dancing over me, only to go past him and instead to the bed. With an air of purpose I turned, locking eyes with him. “Like I said: I’m not going anywhere.”
With that said I sat on the edge of his bed. My eyes challenged his, regardless of the fact I wish they’d stop. I didn’t want him to kick me out of his room! Yet it was a gamble I had to take.
The moment he turned his back on me I felt my breath catch in my lungs. He was really just going to walk away? The thought stung as much as it disappointed me. I’d hoped that- my thoughts came to a halt as I watched him approach his dresser, setting down the cake before looking back at me. “You know I could make you get out.”
I swallowed, calming my nerves to the best of my ability. “Are you scared of me Logan?” I asked, my words issuing a challenge.
Though he scoffed there was no hiding the confusion in his eyes. “Me, scared of you?” Not exactly an answer in words, it was the tone of his voice that answered my question for me. Obviously the answer was an ever ringing ‘no.’
“Then why can’t you just tell me what this is all about?” I demanded to know, my eyes digging into his.
Logan lurched forward, stepping over the open cigar box on the ground as though it weren’t even there. His eyes didn’t even drift to the drug paraphernalia that he motored past as he kept his steady stare on mine. Eyes captured by his, body unable to move, I just sat there like a statue as he came to a stop inches before me. Towering over me, he had to tilt his head down to shoot me a dominating look. Not that it was needed of course; the wall of hard threatening muscle before me was enough of a reminder that he could throw me over his shoulder without so much as a blink. His blue eyes were smoldering.
Breaking the spell his eyes held over me I glowered up at him. “What really happened with Dylan?”
“You already know the answer to that,” he said slowly, gaze flickering over my face.
“No,” I shook my heard firmly, “I know what Dyan told me and I know what Preston told me. I want to hear it from you.”
In a swift movement he lowered his body towards me, hands coming to lay on the bed beside my hips. He lowered his face to mere inches from mine, face so close I could feel his warm breath tickling my lips. “You already know what happened.”
“Why would you want me to sleep with Dylan?” I asked, refusing to back down. The heat radiating from his body was almost overwhelming, and I had to wet my lips in order to continue. “It doesn’t make sense.”
“I don’t do virgins Ka-“
“Yeah yeah,” I cut him off, not wanting to hear it, “the whole crying bullshit.” That wasn’t what I’d asked. “Why Dylan?”
Blue eyes narrowed angrily in on mine. “You’re the one who picked him, you tell me.”
“Who was I supposed to pick; you?” I hissed through clenched teeth. “He at least pretended to be sweet to me.”
“Exactly!” Logan suddenly straightened up, looking more upset than ever. His cheeks had taken on a red tint, his brows drawing together as he glared down at me. “That fuckface would have laid out rose petals on the bed if he thought it’d get you naked.”
“You say that like it’s a bad thing, and yet it’s exactly what you counted on him doing!”
At my words his lips drew into a tight line, and I was acutely aware of his hands balling at his sides. “You think I don’t know that?” he growled, his voice so low it was like dark chocolate.
“What is that supposed to-“
“Don’t pretend that’s not what you would have wanted,” he cut me off, eyes like knives as they glowered into mine. “Rose petals and candles; a regular romeo act.”
“You have no right to decide that for me,” I spat at him.
Logan’s cruel smirk was back. “You’re the one that started dating him.”
“He asked me in front of a huge crowd!” I knew that it was a pathetic reason, but it was all I had. “I felt like I had to say yes.” My mind darted back to the memory; the jumbotron, the crowd all telling me to say yes, Dylan’s blue eyes gazing up at me as he waited for my answer. It was like a scene from some cheesy romantic movie. I remembered thinking as much even as the moment had been occurring. And yet. . in my own way I’d wanted it. “And, in my defense, I hadn’t known it was all an act,” I squeaked out, defeated. How could such a twisted reason as Logan’s hold a twinge of truth? I had wanted hearts and flowers.
“I don’t do romance Kara,” Logan growled, my excuses only seeming to anger him forward, “you know that as well as I do. You’re the one who went for him so I let you have him.”
“So you’re saying you wanted me to sleep with him because you thought it’d be a better first time for me,” I deadpanned at him. “Do you realize how fucked up that is?”
At his sides his hands began to tremble, clenched so tightly into fists I suddenly felt a twinge of pain in my own. “You think I liked the idea?” Logan’s voice ripped from deep in his throat. “It was the only alternative I had!”
“No,” I snarled, “it’s a pathetic excuse.”
Once more he leaned over me, hands finding their spots on the bed beside me as though they’d never left. Once more his face loomed in front of mine, blue eyes gleaming. Heat pulsated from his face, the skin still flushed red, and I could hear his ragged breathing as he tried to contain his emotions. “What does it matter anymore?” he asked, voice low and threatening. “You’re eighteen now. I’m sure Lukey boy has today marked on his calendar.”
“How can you manage to sound so possessive,” I breathed, issuing a challenge by meeting his eyes, “after what we just talked about?”
“It’s not the same.”
He said it was like the answer was plain as day, and I pursed my lips in frustration. I was getting answers all right; they were just taking a while to get dragged out of him. “So Dylan can want me, but Lucas can’t?”
“You were never serious about Dylan,” his voice was like a whisper. “He wormed his way in using what I’d told him about you. Not like your precious coach.” Logan’s face hardened, his words taking on a mocking tone. “No, him you still let your guard down around.”
“He’s still my basketball coach. I can’t carry a grudge!”
“Coach or not you’ve already kissed him once,” Logan barked out in anger.
The intensity of his gaze made it impossible to hid the flashing emotions they held. He was pissed off, he was worked up, but most of all he was possessive in the twisted way that only Logan could be. And so I reached forward, clutching a fistful of the black teeshirt that covered his looming chest. Before he could respond I yanked, pulling him forward at the same time I brought my lips to his.
The jolt of passion that broke forth from me had been building up for so long I didn’t even try to contain it. I gave in to all of the frustrations I’d built up inside and poured every ounce of it that I could into him instead.
My mouth made quick work of his, working it open before he had a chance to react to my sudden assault. I let my tongue push its way into his mouth, my lips moving against his with a fervor as I clutched his shirt tighter yet. The moment my tongue touched his he sprung to life. Fingers wound themselves in my hair as one of his hands snapped up to my head from where it’d been propped against the bed. They pulled, tugging my head back at the same time as he backed his own away.
Logan’s mouth broke free of mine, his eyes scouring my face as I looked up at him. I couldn’t hide the heated expression in my eyes. I didn’t want him to stop, didn’t he understand that?! Our gazes locked, the blue depths of his eyes holding mine utterly captive and I knew that he could see it. “Kara-“ his voice was husky as he moved to add more space between our faces. But I wouldn’t let him go, not now that I’d finally worked up the courage to act on it. “What do you think you’re doing?”
“Kissing you,” I answered earnestly, my own voice barely above a purr.
As if this what he’d feared most I would say he suddenly jerked away, faster than I could have ever countered. In under a second he was half way across the room, turning to shoot me an angry glare. “You’ve been drinking,” he accused me sharply.
“No I haven’t,” I responded slowly, shaking my head.
“You need to get out.”
His words were worse than a slap. They were like a punch directly to my lungs, and I found myself expelling a stunned breath of air. “I’m not going anywhere,” I answered stubbornly. This wasn’t what I wanted.
Logan took a menacing step forward. “Don’t make me-“
“Why?” I cut off his threat. “Why do you want me to leave?”
“Because you’re not thinking!” he barked, taking another step towards me, eyes narrowed. “You can’t just-“ he paused, as though suddenly realizing what had just happened. He shook his head roughly, clearing whatever had just popped into his mind. “Goddamn it Kara!”
Once more his hands had balled up into fists at his sides, as he glowered at me. “What can’t I do?” I questioned, wanting to know what he was about to say. It was clear he wasn’t about to answer, and I got angrily to my feet. “You always do this to me! One moment everything is fine and the next you’re mad at me for something I’m not even aware of!”
“This is who I am Kara!” he bellowed at me, taking another step forward. “I’m not some prince charming. I’m not going to change just because we have some good times together. This-“ he motioned to the drugs that lay on the floor, “is my life.” With purpose he strode forward, staring me dead in the eyes. “You knew about it all from the beginning. The parties, the drinking, the drugs. . . my job. All of it isn’t just going to go away now that we met. This isn’t some fairytale. Life doesn’t work like that.”
I swallowed down the sob that had threatened to come out at his words. He was right; I had known this from the beginning. I knew who Logan was. “If we keep going like we’re going then this is going to be your life too,” Logan’s voice was closer now, and I raised my head to look up from my feet. My head had lowered on its own in defeat. “Look around Kara. You don’t belong here.”
“You’re right,” I breathed, my voice shaky. “But that doesn’t-“
“Get out of here Kara,” he demanded, crossing his arms over his broad chest as he gave me a flat look.
“If I go through that door that’s it, isn’t it?”
For the first time the pained look deep in his eyes was apparent as he nodded briskly. “We’d only end up hating each other more if we kept this up.”
“I don’t hate you Logan,” I whispered, fighting the urge to cry. This couldn’t be it! It wasn’t what I wanted. That’s all I could think these days: this isn’t what I wanted. What did I want? I wanted Logan. That’s all I knew at that moment. I didn’t want to lose him. I didn’t want him to be just another memory as someone I used to be close to.
“I hate what you do to me,” he hissed, his tone venomous. “Now get out.” Though his words were sharp and pointed I shook my head defiantly, my red curls bouncing around my shoulders. He kept up his cold stare, trying to threaten me with the daggers in his gaze. I didn’t budge from where I stood, and soon he was letting out an angry growl. “I warned you-“ he started towards me, intention apparent: he was going to make me leave.
I did the only think I could think of. In a swift movement I grabbed the hem of my shirt and lifted, tearing the shirt I wore up and over my head. In a heartbeat I was whipping it at him, the shirt hitting his face and cutting his threat short.
Had it been any other moment I would have laughed at the way his jaw practically dropped to the floor in utter shock. “Take one more step and the bra is next,” I warned him. My hands found their way to my hips as peered daringly at him.
“What are you doing?” he asked, his voice haughty, as though amused at what I’d just done. Yet he didn’t take another step towards me, just stood rooted in spot. I could see the apprehension written in his expression.
A wicked smirk crossed my lips, and I could almost feel Logan singing through my veins. Regardless of what happened now it was too late to move on. He’d changed me, given me something no one else had: nerves. If this was it, if this was the end, then there was one more thing I wanted from him. “You’re not going to throw me out like this,” I asked smugly, “are you?”
Realizing what I was doing his eyes narrowed in on mine. “Maybe I will,” he threatened, moving to take another step towards me.
The moment he did I reached up, pushing my brastraps down my arms. I hooked my thumbs into the cups of the bra, staring him directly in the eyes. It was a good thing he was still a few feet away. . . if he had been any closer he probably would have been able to hear how hard my heart was beating. “Don’t test me,” I managed to make my voice come out so self confident I realized I actually would do it if it meant he’d have to let me stay.
“I’ve already seen them,” he shrugged, though his voice was laced with apprehension as he stood rooted in stop once more.
“That may be so, but the same can’t be said for everyone at the party out there.”
My words hit home and I could see the flash of understanding pass over his entire body. Though he kept up his annoyed expression, the rest of his muscles visibly relaxed. “What makes you think I care?”
“If there’s anything I know about you, it’s that for hating me you sure are possessive.”
For a seemed like centuries he held a silent staring contest with me. My thumbs remained hooked, ready to lower my bra in case he tried once more to move towards me. Finally he let out a loud groan, shaking his head in defeat. “Kara, you know what I said is the truth. We both know the kind of future you’d have with me, and how it would end.”
I nodded slowly, drawing my thumbs slowly from my bra. From the corner of my eye I made sure to watch his posture in case he suddenly decided to change his mind and throw me out of his room regardless of my partially undressed state. It’d been desperate gamble, taking off my top, but it seemed as though it had worked. “I know,” I admitted, slowly easing my brastraps back up my shoulders. “I also know that once I walk away we won’t see each other again, will we?”
His eyes darkened, a shadow seeming to fall over his expression. “It has to be that way. I can’t give you a relationship Kara, you know that.”
“Then give me something else, something before you just disappear from my life.”
“What do you want?” he asked, brow furrowing.
I took a deep breath, preparing myself. This was how it had to be. He was right; I didn’t want the type of life he led. If he didn’t remove himself from me altogether then we’d end up pulled back into each other’s orbit like we’d been since the day we’d first met. It wasn’t healthy; our twisted love story. “I want you.”
At my words he visibly stiffened, every muscle in his body tensing all at once. “You don’t mean. . .” his shocked voice trailed off, too surprised to hide behind one of his usual smirks.
“If you don’t want me,” I forced the words out, hating myself for giving him the option of backing out, “then give me back my shirt and I will go.”
His face twisted up in confusion, deep blue eyes darting all over my body. For the first time since I’d pulled off my shirt his eyes found their way to my breasts. “I-“ he faltered, raising his gaze to meet my eyes instead, “I don’t do-“
“-virgins,” I finished for him, “I know. But I swear I won’t cry.”
Logan seemed to be searching my soul as he gazed into my eyes. Whatever he was looking for he didn’t find it, for he asked, “Why?”
“I want you to have my first time,” I whispered, my cheeks heating at what I was proposing. Somewhere along the line I’d made up my mind. I knew it was I wanted.
He didn’t move, in fact he didn’t even breathe. He just stood there, looking at me with questioning eyes. I waited, watching and hoping that I wasn’t about to be sent from the room. If that happened I wouldn’t be able to hold back the tears, the hurt, the pain or the reality of what was happening. Logan and I were going our separate ways and this time it was going to be for good. How we left things was now in his hands, quite literally in fact.
Lowering his eyes, he looked to the blue shirt he held in his hands. All he had to do was hand it back to me and I would make a swift escape. Slowly his eyes rose back to mine, his hand opening to let the shirt fall to his feet. “If you cry-“
“I won’t,” I breathed, but he was already in front of me, one hand clutching the side of my head as he lowered his lips hungrily to mine. In an instant his fingers were tangled madly in my hair, pushing my mouth against his with as much passion as his was against mine. Not that I needed any urging. At his kiss my heart exploded and I gave in to the feeling only he could make me feel. I kissed him back without restraint, my own tongue dancing in motion with his within my mouth.
He consumed me with his kiss, feet continuing forward as he wrapped his free arm around my waist, lifting my feet from the ground as though I were weightless. He surfaced from the kiss, dropping me down onto the bed. His eyes scoured my body quickly, before meeting mine once more. “I’m not going to be gentle,” he warned, his voice so husky it sent shivers down my spine. When he said those words I knew he meant it.
“I’m counting on it,” I answered, sitting up to reach for his shirt. I got two big handfuls of the material and grinned up into the devilish smirk he wore. I gave a gentle tug and he needed no further coaxing, climbing onto the bed and crawling up my legs as I pulled him along by his shirt. His lips met mine once more, his hands making quick work of my bra. I broke free of the kiss, pulling his shirt up and over his head.
I couldn’t help but stare at the impressive muscle of his chest before me, and my eyes danced all over his chest. I reached out, my fingers tracing over the tattoos that littered his chest. Tribal patterns had been complexly tattooed into his skin, making them look as though they were wisps of smoke. Beneath my fingertips his skin was hot and smooth, and my hand danced down to the next wisp of black and grey that was tattooed into his fair skin. Logan kneeled over me, one leg on either side of my hip as he too reached out to touch me.
He cupped my breast, giving it a testing squeeze before moving to expertly tease my nipple between his pointer and thumb. My eyes rose to his face at his touch, a small moan already pushing through my mouth at his skillful hands. Like mine had been a moment ago, his eyes were otherwise occupied on my exposed flesh. Goosbumps ran over my skin at his heated expression and my eyes flickered to my hand as I traced it down his chest. As I let my fingers dance over the handle of the black pistol tattooed into his skin I followed it until it met with the deep blue jeans that he wore low on his hips.
Logan inhaled sharply as I traced the skin just above his pant’s waistline, and I looked quickly up into his burning eyes. They consumed mine, capturing my body and heart in one fell swoop. Without a single word between us it was as if a flip had been switched, and our pace quickened drastically.
Everywhere he touched and everywhere he kissed seemed to sear with heat. Our bodies moved together, touching and tasting without any restraint. We were in perfect sync, and by the time he had plunged inside of me the moment had already past. The dull stinging pain as he took me was overshadowed by the pulsing need deep in my core for more. I needed Logan with a fervor I’d never before felt, and I took all the he gave me hungrily. Our bodies moving together, sweat mixing and hot breaths racing we held nothing back.
The only time I cried was out in pleasure as I lost myself to Logan’s expert hands and tongue, his body drumming a new beat into my heart as he buried himself in me time and time again. He took me like there would be no tomorrow, and we both knew deep down there wouldn’t be. This was it. This was our last chance to express our feelings, to let them all out before we had to leave. And let them out we did.