"Well, isn't doing it once enough? What's so great about orgasming?" I scoff and play off Estela's dedication to sex by downgrading something I've never felt before.
"Oh Spes. Innocent, virgin, Spes. If you flipped the bean one day, you'd understand." She giggles and I don't even bother glaring at her for using such weird innuendos or whatever in my presence, instead, I grab a cloth and bring some extra shine to my sword, thinking that, sex, it can't be that addictive.
Not as addictive as Estela makes it out to be. Not as continuous as all the women that warm my father's bed at night whenever he decides to put his test tubes in a fridge.
I'd rarely ever wonder about it, but sometimes I'd become curious.
What is it that's so hungry in people's bodies that...they constantly crave, and never get bored with sex? What must it feel like? Is it like a mood? That's what I gather.
Always being in love, and sometimes falling into a state of sexual need for that person?
I wonder, what it feels like. Description of it.
I've never asked Estela for the main purpose that, I never wanted her to touch that part of my learning. I don't know why I cared to keep it sheltered for finding out one day by myself when it was one of the farthest things from my mind, but it's just...
Something I always wondered about.
____________
The restlessness is like a tease. The first step. It doesn't go away unless you really want it to. Unless you distract yourself. And then, it's only a matter of touch.
It becomes hard to think about anything, except for one single fantasy. One reality, one idea...anything. It's so powerful, the thought of Carl.
The sound of him whining in pleasure without even being conscious.
"Oh..." I drag out a silent moan that's mostly covered up by the rain.
I can't help how my body feels like it's burning, like my body is being flooded with ecstasy induced chemicals that start from my sensitive spot, a simple wet stroke which is so strong, so indescribably fulfilling, that it shakes and moves my entire anatomy.
It feels hot, and I'm sure I'm sweating even if it's cold rain splashing onto my long wavy hair, my waist is following the direction of my chest, bending back a bit, while I try to reach something that I just know is waiting for me, my teeth biting into my lower lip, a quick taste of blood leaking into my mouth from my canine puncturing my skin at the imagine of Carl blushing and the thought of him doing the same thing, by himself, somewhere.
5 years of growing up, knowing what sex is, being a guy?
I'm sure he's done it. I'm sure he's felt this way.
Sh1t.
I wanted to know what this felt like, just wondered, that's it. Just a simple one time curiosity that was stirred up because of Carl. I'm trying to understand, savor it, really get what the fuss is about, but the feeling, it's like an ache, except it feels good, especially when I think about Carl, and I can't stop myself from hurrying to finish this.
Carl.
Like another reaction I can't help, I notice my toes tightening, my free hand grabbing the curtain as I lean forward, nearing the orgasm I've wondered so much about, until I hear a knock at the door, the sound immediately halting everything I'm doing, my palm that was just choking an inanimate object is clamped over my mouth and my eyes are wide as the shock quickly makes what I was doing die down to nothing.
"Spes?! You ok? I woke up and...Are you ok? Is something wrong?"
I swallow before answering, my hands being wiped on a towel still on the counter next to me. "Yeah! I just wanted to look at the rain and stuff. I couldn't sleep! I was just sitting here to get some fresh air." Oh my gosh, the doors not even locked.
Just the idea that he could've easily walked in has me swearing to never do this sh1t again, no matter what.
"Can I come in?"
Fvck no!
"I only closed the door because you were sleeping." I reach my hands outside for some drops of cool water and start wiping my hands with some really old soap, but it's still somewhat decent, so I hurry and stay seated on the floor, the wet feeling in my underwear barely noticeable unless I move around.
Oh gosh, I'm sick. I'm a sick person! I was just imagining Carl-Wait. I wonder what he did about that hard bulge. If it's gone...I wonder... No! Stop thinking like that. Idiot.
Just stop and let it be!
"You're gonna get sick." His deep voice lifts near the end of his sentence, and I'm thankful that there's no electricity so he won't spot my red face. All he can see is probably the same thing I can see. A black figure moving in the darkness, just the basic outline and a few details nearing towards me until I'm joined in front of the window pane with him dragging his legs up against his chest.
"You know I'm not stupid enough to go outside by myself. You didn't have to come look for me." I try and act normal. Good luck with that, geez.
"I thought maybe you decided to skip out or something. Leave my as$ here and go out by yourself." He turns towards me, and I barely make out a smile.
Skip out as in ditch him?
"Why would I?"
"Ha." He breathes out a short laugh. "Why wouldn't you?" Carl scoffs and I catch him yawn, a hand lifting up to cover his mouth slightly with the back of his hand.
So one minute I'm doing something lewd, and the next minute, I'm sitting here, talking to the guy I was having smutty thoughts about?
This is so...fvcked.
"Did you want to be alone?" I turn my head to the direction of the voice only a foot away from me...or less.
"Uh. I don't care." Wait. Uh, yeah. I care. Leave. Body, tell him to leave.
No?
Sh1t.
"Spes?"
"Yeah?" I find myself getting comfortable, leaning against the wall once more, except this time I'm on the farthest side of the wall to Carl with a window separating us, both our pairs of legs laid out and our posture fvcking horrible while we listen to the rain.
"Earlier, when you told me about your home, you didn't talk about your dad. Any of it. Your mom. Why?"
"You're bold." I immediately respond.
"I guess?" He doesn't believe me?
I can almost sense him just frowning in confusion to my quick words of definition to one of his character traits or actions, but it's true none the less. I think.
Who knows? No one ever really touched that subject before. It was either known, or left to be accepted without understanding. Basically, I never talked about it, what he's wondering about. I think that was one of the other things I was running away from when I left.
The personal sh1t.
The stuff I never thought much about, so obviously, I don't know how dysfunctional and messed up it all is yet. There aren't many comparisons to see how off track my family is, only the simplicity of what I believe it to be in my head as a general opinion to it.
"That's not fair. You never told me about you killing that kid."
"You don't really wanna know, do you?"
"I'm curious. I mean, it is killing someone." I lazily look forward even though I can't make anything out. "Tell me about it."
"Just, tell me first, about your dad. Your mom? Did you leave her too?" I can tell Carl's getting anxious with curiosity. One thing's for sure, he is nosy. Well, eager I guess. Oh gosh, I feel so weird sitting beside him.
I just have this sudden strong need to apologize to him. I'd do it too, but then he'd have to know why and I'm sure as sh1t not going to tell him.
"Spes, come on." He groans. "Might as well get to know each other. We can't sleep."
"Why, Grimes? Why?" I playfully whine. "Does it matter?"
"Does is matter if it matters?"
"Ah...Hmm." I take a second to process what he just said. "Does it matter, if it matters?" I whisper, thinking about what it means, how it implies possibilities...It makes me smile, his logic.
Does it matter, if it matters.
Ha, ok. One for the books.
"What do you want to know?" I roll my eyes even though he can't see me.
"You're mom."
"Ok." I wait for him to ask another question. Which...he doesn't. "What about my mom?"
"Just, did you leave her too? Was she back at the mall? Did she have any say in what you're dad did? Is she dead?"
Dammit.
Now I can see why I never adressed this stuff. It's always going to run across this conversation starter sooner or later, and I got sick of that before it even became a question of my life.
It's something I can't help. Something of a mystery. Simply a part of a series of events I'd only recently learned of and understand. But I don't want to talk about it. I'm not ready for that soppy sh1t yet.
"Can we just...act like the apocalypse isn't actually happening?" I sigh. "I don't want to talk about stuff that matters. I want to just talk. Nobody talks anymore. Nothing simple, nothing meaningless, nothing harmless or decent." I think back to the mall, all the boys constantly acting like pigs, all the unmarried couples, meeting one day, then jumping into bed with them the same night. If they want to fvck strangers, they should go someplace else instead of pretending it's a solid basis for the start of a relationship.
"Can you tell me about you?" He whispers, clicking me back to the moment, and the dedication to the conversation he has makes me smile and I think for a second.
Let's see...
"I'm a prodigy at fencing." I smile at the fact.
"But you suck at wrestling?"
"No!" I hiss. "I'm actually really good. You just cheat somehow." I know he doesn't but I'm a little hesitant to let him know that I acknowledge him as a, quite frankly, frustratingly touch opponent.
"Right. I promise not to cheat and you still wouldn't be able to pin me."
"Well you can't dance for sh1t." I hear my voice squeak.
"And you can?" He laughs at me.
"Yeah. You should see me on the dance floor. My mom passed me some of her Latina moves, I mean screw ballroom dancing, I like the spicy stuff." I swagger and put on a chillaxed cocky tone, to which I hear him chuckling at how dedicated I sound. "My mom started teaching me when I was 10. She was a part time dance instructor when she was younger, so, she just handed it down to me. A few tricks. After everything, I'd take some her dancing videos out of storage and just, watch her dance a cumbia or whatever the fvck she was spinning around to." I laugh and smile.
"I'll believe it when I see it." He soothes out.
"I can also speak some Spanish."
"You can? Say something then." I hear the smile, imagine it and bite my bottom lip thinking.
"Uhhh..." I blush, and swallow my nerves at the second before figuring out what to say. Normally I'd just tell someone the basic, hi, how are you, my name is Spes, what's your name, but, it comes out different this time. Something way different in a blink of an eye decision.
"Pienso mucho en ti."
I wait and wonder if he knows what I just spoke to him, hoping to everyone listening that he doesn't. When he awkwardly laughs, I know I'm safe.
"Wh-What's that mean?"
I think about you a lot.
"No te puedo sacar de mi mente." I whisper, the light finally showing me his eyes, the light blue of them, the intensity.
"Spes?" He whispers back. "What are you saying?"
I can't get you out of my head.
"Desde el primer día le encontré..." Since the first day I met you... "Usted ha estado en mi cabeza que me vuelve el loco." You've been in my head, driving me crazy.
-Carl's P.O.V.-
"Spes?" I gasp when I see her stand to leave, the urgency in my voice to reach her is plain as day, and it's taking everything in me not to run after her and pin her to the wall, crazy to kiss those lips that just spoke to me, so beautifully and perfect, without accent fault in another language, telling me things I don't even understand but completely love.
"I'm tired now Carl." Her mood's already changed from sweet and friendly, to mysterious and private, the moments I just had with her are already waving bye to me while I just sit here, confused.
"I'm going back to sleep." She waits by the door, only to move away, out of dim sight, leaving me here to catch my breath, thinking about everything that just happened, the way I looked at her even though she couldn't see me and I could barely see her, how alive just now was, even if it was just a few clear words given to me.
What the heck?
"Ugh!" I run my hands through my hair, eaten up with feelings that are too abundant to identify. "Dammit." I smile at the frustration and lean my head back, one last sigh for the pathetic guy I am, idiot who's only now figuring out what's wrong with him, accepting it and literally feeling ecstatic because of it.
I like Spes. I like her a lot. More than alot.
It's like an instant feeling with her. A quick bite of heat that engulfs my entirety more and more and more till I can't take the thought of just leaving her be without her knowing how I'm feeling right now.
I don't even know if these feelings are too fast. I've known her for, what a week and a half? Great. She'll ditch me for sure if I tell her now. But, I'm starting to care less and less about self control, and more and more about her.
______________
-Spes' P.O.V.-
The next three days were pretty random for me. Talking to Carl, picking fights here and there, the playfulness in him when he's not being a stressed out freak was interesting to watch, the way he'd look at me, look after me, or rather, look out for me...it was nice.
It was consuming.
I didn't try any of that sex sh1t again. I just don't think it's a good idea at all or ever.
I won't deny to myself that I've felt cravings again, the urgency to go all the way, checking Carl out when he's not looking, smiling and feeling attached to him.
I don't know. He's a friend, but he just feels like something other than a friend.
Recently, coping only with the fact that I killed someone, bullet and all, I've been ignoring it, almost forgetting about it, thankfully I've been dead asleep not to have any dreams but, the more Carl and I venture here and there down different neighborhoods farther and farther away from where we started, I can see how changed this world is. Like a blank piece of paper, once fresh and flat, clean and full of possibilities, crumpled and tattered, thrown in a waste basket and forgotten.
This place is a sh1thole.
Well, only in some places.
-4th Day-
"You like that?" Carl raises an eyebrow, looking at my small ipod, a set of portable speakers hooked up to them, resting beside my leg on the humble porch in this old hillbilly shack we came across, the sound of a sweet little song that I surprisingly, yeah love, whispers out into the sunny day, bipolar warm weather as the last few leaves that haven't fallen to the ground yet slowly flutter above me, blocking out some of the sun towards our bodies.
"Oh, and what you listen to?"
"Something else."
"Aha!" I give a hollow laugh to his incomplete answer before resting the back of my head to the chipped white paint of the outside exterior to this crumbling, ancient, built up stack of firewood.
"Ohoho! Oh sweet!"
"What?" I stand up, already skeptical of whatever he's 'ohohoho'-ing at when I widen my eyes at him pushing forward a red, slightly dirty, motorcycle with black seats and a cool structure that looks a bit new, considering.
He probably found it under some tarp or blanket next to that rundown truck that needs a serious annihilation job.
Just like a guy, Carl's already smiling, messing with the equipment, sitting astride the thing, his hat making it look so fvcking weird that I'm a little relieved he takes it off. Only for a second though.
"Great. Now all you need is to switch the plaid with a leather jacket, and you're set." I give him 2 okay signs when he rolls his eyes and licks his bottom lip. "I hope you're not thinking about somehow trying to drive this thing." I walk over, the song switching to another slower beat.
"HeIl yes! Look at this thing! You want to pass this up?" I don't feel comfortable with that reckless gleam in his eye. Wow.
"You would kill us both." I shrug without much concern.
"Then I'll just take it out for a test spin, by myself." He raises his eyebrows at me quickly to the last part which makes it hard to remember what I was just talking about.
Damm you Carl.
"So, you're just going to go all, Evel Knievel, and then what? I mean, do you even have a key? Do you know how to hotwire one of these things?" I grab the handles and try to move it side to side which makes his balance go wonky for a moment.
"No. But there's gotta be a key around here somewhere." He almost whines.
"You'd hurt yourself. Don't do it."
"What do you care if I hurt myself?" He doesn't even stop looking around the ground for a key when he asks me, and I'm glad he's already distracted by a scavenger hunt to notice I'm literally mind and tongue-tied as how to answer that.
Being absolutely honest, I have no idea why I'd care, I mean, yeah, it'd scare the sh1t out of me to see him crash and rocket off the seat of a motorcycle in the distance, but I think it's more scary than what I'm envisioning because I'm now dead set on keeping him from an accident which is bound to happen.
"Neither one of us is going." I shake my head.
"Spes, you can't tell me what to do. Only my dad can do that, and as you can see..." He spreads out his arms and looks around. "He's not here."
"You're not going."
"You can't stop me." His slight aggravation is noted but I still don't like the idea of the side of his face scraping against the road to the point I could probably see his cheekbone. Like, the actual bone?!
"You wanna fight me for it?"
"Why do you always want to fight?" He sighs and turns away to look on the opposite side of me. "You can't control everything Spes. Especially me."
"I-Gosh! What is it with guys being so reckless and being complete dumbas$es?" I smirk.
I'm not kidding. Guys are complete brain dead, donkey dick, as$wipes with no brain attached to their brain stem sometimes.
Once, when we were cleaning up all the lights in the mall on one of the 3 month celebration days, this gingerbread fvck decided it was a brilliant idea to swing off the railing of the 2nd floor to go from one side of the large hall to the other.
Needless to say, once he hopped off the edge to get to the other side, it was the exact same thing as him diving towards the glassy floor several yards beneath him without any wire rope at all.
Afterwards it was hilarious but when I saw it happen, well, the tail end of it, him lying unconscious on his stomach on the first floor, it was a fvcking mess.
Blood was coming out of his cracked skull, his bones were broken. They said he was lucky his arm didn't detach from its socket, otherwise his skin would've torn off and we'd be looking for a missing arm that would never be useful again.
I'd really sort of like it if maybe the guy I've been falling for didn't ruin it all by DYING.
"Spes, get off my case. I'll be fine." He frowns and I groan before pushing his shoulder. "What the heIl is wrong with you?" Glaring now?
Interesting.
"Carl, don't go on this bike. Don't look for the key, don't do anything. Just leave it."
"Or what?" He scoffs almost, shaking his head in disbelief.
"Or what?" I repeat.
"Yeah! Or what?!"
He doesn't get to stand because I grab hold of his shirt underneath the collar, the fact I got him off guard helps me drag him towards the ground so I can swing my leg to the other side of his back, his comeback arriving, thankfully a little too late, which gives me the chance to grab his right wrist, and drag it beneath his strong chest towards his left shoulder while I press my knee to his back and pin his other wrist to the space in between his shoulder blade with my free hand.
Still got it. Of course.
"Ah! Spes! Get off of me!!" He blows out some air to clear the leaves from his face, his hat no longer on his head and his soft brown hair has fallen in random places giving me a clear view of his profile.
Fvck, he's hot.
I can admit at least that.
"Stop being an idiot." I feel him try to tug away so I lean the rest of my upper body against him, opening my legs to straddle his lower back and speak in his ear, the squirming underneath me immediately stopping when I changed my position just now.
"Spes, get off." He sounds panicky now. What the heck?
"If you get on that bike, you're going to do something stupid." I hiss which makes him groan and heavily exhale in response, the sound excruciatingly arousing but I ignore it since he's not even thinking about this situation in that way at all.
"Get off of me!"
Gosh, what the heIl? Why does he have to be so strong!
"Carl just-"
"Please! Get off!" He begs and I have no clue as to why.
But just as I'm about to say something else, I look up, and notice a strong wave of movement in the distance before me, several groans and screechy hisses from something I never thought I'd have to face, which is simply a herd of walkers coming our way.
I have this strange feeling, really strange feeling, that I'm going to do die today.
___________________
What would you do, I wonder, if this book was only meant to be 20 chapters long??? Huh...wouldn't that be interesting?
Hmm....
Anyway-ok...no. It's not going to be 20 chapters long. It's not gonna end that soon in case any of you were wondering.
So, on to the next stuff. Deds go to Walkersparadise!
She has a book.
Go look at the book.
And remember chanficcity? Her book too?
Why don't we all look at each others book?
Come on. I showed you mine.
XD okay, that was creepy. XD I'm feeling no pain right now. Lol.
Anywho, yay! update! whoooo.
I appreciate all the votes, comments, etc...and this book has like, flourished in reads and...gah! I'm just so appreciative of you guys, gals, etc... Love you all! Thank you! BYA
OH! AND, To make it less of a hassle, the links to the books from both deds people are in the comment section already! Just a click away from a story, eh?
OH MY GOSH I'M A RHYMING POET! This is why you love me. or fear me. either is good. lol