09 ‐ Insanity
"Grabe. Gaano ba karami ang nainom mo nang lumayo ka sa amin?"
I forced myself to open my eyes. I deeply sighed when I felt like throwing up. Naglapag si Amethyst ng baso sa bedside table. I think it's tea.
Sapo-sapo ang ulo na bumangon ako mula sa kama. My head is throbbing real bad! Para iyong binibiyak sa sakit!
"Hindi marami ang nainom ko, Am.."
Hinimas ko ang sentido ko para sana ay maibsan ang sakit. Nilingon ko ang bintana at nakitang mataas na ang sikat ng araw. I shifted my sight to my clothes. I am not wearing the dress I wore last night. I am wearing a big t-shirt now.
I looked at Faye who's drinking her tea near the window. Seryoso ang kaniyang mukha habang nagmamasid sa labas.
"Where are we?" I asked.
"In a hotel.." Faye replied.
Kumunot ang noo ko at lumingon kay Amethyst. "Who brought us here? Did you call Daniel last night?"
Amethyst answered before drinking her coffee. "Nope. But yeah, he brought us here."
Marahan akong tumango. How did he know that we were on that bar? Hindi ba't hindi naman ipinaalam sakaniya ang lakad namin?
"How did he know we're there?"
She shrugged. "I don't know. Magaling manghula ang pinsan mo."
Umawang ang labi ko. "And who changed my clothes?"
Amethyst rolled her eyes. "Bagsak din kami kagabi! Baka nagpatulong si Daniel sa mga hotel staffs!"
I sighed. Ibinagsak ko ulit ang sarili ko sa kama at itinabon ang braso ko sa aking noo. Damn. Why did I drink so much last night? Sa sobrang kalasingan ay hindi ko na maalala ang mga ginawa ko. All I remember was me, walking out of the dance floor to go to the bar stool. What happened in there?
"Bakit hindi ko na kayo nakita kagabi?"
Faye sat down on the edge of the bed while looking at me. "Hindi ka na rin namin nakita, saan ka ba nagpunta?"
I frowned. "Sa bar stool lang.."
"Kahit makita mo siya, wala ka na rin sa katinuan no'n, Faye. You were wasted!" Am exclaimed. "And you, Asia. I saw you talking to a man. Who's that?"
Lalong kumunot ang noo ko. "What do you mean?"
"You were sitting beside a man." Nanliit ang mga mata niya. "Don't deny it, I saw you. Sino iyon?"
Pilit kong inalala kung sino ang sinasabi niyang lalaki. Me, sitting beside a man and talking to him?
"Hindi ko maalala, Am.." I sighed. "Baka naman nakausap ko lang? Ano bang hitsura?"
Nagkibit-balikat siya. "Hindi ko nakita. Nakatalikod kayo."
Tumango ako. "Baka nga nakausap ko lang do'n."
Two in the afternoon and we decided to check out. I am still wearing the oversized shirt when we left. Sa baba ay naghihintay si Joaquin para sunduin kami. For sure that one will be mad. Hindi pa naman pahuhuli iyon tuwing may ganap.
"So, girls bonding?" Tanong niya habang nagmamaneho.
"Yeah." Sagot ni Amethyst. "Kaya hindi kayo pwede ni Daniel."
He tsked. "Sana nagsabi pa rin kayo kahit man lang para magpasundo. Delikado ang panahon ngayon, Amethyst. Makakapatay ako kung may mangyaring masama sa kahit isa sainyo."
My heart melted. Kahit na na sa back seat ako ay inabot ko si Joaquin para pisilin ang pisngi.
"Anong nakain mo, Wacky? Why are you so sweet?"
"Isa ka pa. You drank too much.." He rolled his eyes. "Sinabi sa akin ni Paulo."
"Sumbungero talaga ang gwapong baklang iyon." Umirap ako.
Sumandal ako at tumingin sa kalsada. Si Faye naman ay nanatiling tahimik at kung minsan ay sumusulyap kay Joaquin na nagmamaneho.
"Isa ka rin, Adelia Faye.." Wacky snorted. "You don't usually drink like that."
Lumingon sakaniya si Faye. "Remove the Adelia. I don't like it."
"Bakit ka uminom nang marami, Adelia?" Ulit niya.
Ngumisngis ako. Amethyst laughed when Faye tried to punch Joaquin.
"I am releasing stress, okay?" Umiwas siya ng tingin. "Everything in my life is stressing me out."
I wonder what she's going through. She's our friend but she doesn't really open up to us. Even though I tell her everything that is happening in my life, she always hid hers. Kahit na minsan ay gusto ko siyang magkwento, hindi ko na pinipilit. I respect her personal space. If it's not really in her nature to open up, then I understand.
Nang makarating sa bahay ay naabutan kong pabalik-balik na naglalakad sa sala si mommy habang hawak ang ulo niya. Sunod-sunod ang tunog na iniiwan ng suot niyang stilettos sa tile na sahig.
"What are you doing, mom?"
Agad siyang lumingon sa akin na nanlalaki ang mga mata. She immediately covered our distance and pulled my arm. Napangiwi siya at napaatras ng maamoy ako.
"Where have you been?!"
I deeply breathed, making her move away from me even more.
"Ang baho ng hininga mo!" She exclaimed. "Saan ka nagsusuot, Anastasia?!"
I shrugged. "Hanging out."
She clenched her jaw. Binawi ko ang braso ko at hinawi ang magulo kong buhok. Si mommy ay nanggagalaiti habang pinagmamasdan akong amuyin ang sarili ko.
"Masyado akong mabaho, my?"
"Oo! Napaka baho mo!"
"Kasing baho na ba ng ugali ko ang amoy ko?"
Nalaglag ang panga niya sa tanong ko. Wala sa sarili siyang natawa saka bumaling ulit sa akin na nakakunot ang noo. I chuckled. Napailing ako. She really can't take jokes.
"Absolutely! Kasing baho na ng ugali mo ang amoy mo! How dare you drink last night? Ni hindi ka umuwi! My gosh, Anastasia! You're getting married!"
Umangat ang kilay ko an ibinagsak sa sahig ang heels ko. "Who says?"
Umawang ang bibig niya. Bumuntong-hininga ako. I just don't care anymore. Masakit ang ulo ko. Hindi ko mapoproseso ang mga sasabihin niya kung ganito ang nararamdaman ko.
Akmang lalampasan ko na siya nang marahas na naman niyang haltakin ang braso ko. Halos mabuwal ako sa ginawa niya.
She fakely smiled. "Can you please act like a decent woman, Anastasia? You are getting married and you are here acting like a slut."
What she said pierced my heart. Napakurap-kurap ako sa panlilisik ng mga mata niya.
"I am not getting married." Matigas na sagot ko. "I acted in front of Alondra Valdemar like you wanted. Now, I am not going in to that wedding because that's what I want."
Nagngitngit ang ngipin niya. Lalong humigpit ang hawak niya sa braso ko.
"Yes, you are getting married.." she forced herself to smile again. "You will be a Valdemar and that stupid family will pull us out of the dirt."
"We can pull ourselves out. We don't need them to save the company." I firmly said. "Your mindset is disgusting. Using them for your own good? Hindi ba't pamilya natin ang nagmukhang estupido sa lagay na iyon?"
Marahas niyang binitiwan ang braso ko habang bakas pa rin ang galit sa mga mata. Nanginginig ang baba niya dahil sa mga sinabi ko.
Masakit nga talaga ang katotohanan, lalo na kung hindi ka handang tanggapin iyon.
"Ikaw ang estupida, Anastasia. Hindi mo ginagamit ang utak mo!" She pointed at me.
"Hindi ako estupida dahil hindi ako nagmana sa 'yo–"
Umangat ang palad niya at lumatay iyon nang malakas sa kaliwa kong pisngi. Agad iyong nagmanhid kaya naman hindi ko naramdaman ang sakit na dala ng sampal.
Tumabon ang buhok ko sa aking mukha. I deeply sighed and strands of my hair flew.
"How dare you say that to your mother! How dare you dishonor my rule! You will follow what I say, you uncultured woman!"
Taas-baba ang dibdib ng ina ko habang puno pa rin ng galit ang mga mata. "Hindi mo ba alam ang kultura rito sa mundo natin?! I want to stay like this! I want to stay on the top! Susunod ka lang sa agos, Anastasia! Pakakasal ka lang! Walang mahirap do'n!"
Malakas ang kabog ng dibdib ko siyang hinarap. I clenched my jaw when my eyes started watering.
"I wasn't born to run with the wolves. I was born to kill the wolves.." nagngitngit ang panga ko. "Hindi ako padadala sa agos ng mundong 'to. I can stand on my own. I don't need a man to survive!"
"Yes, you need him! You need his family!"
"No, I don't! Kayo ang may kailangan sa kanila, hindi ako!" Tuluyang tumulo ang luha ko. "Kahit na magtinda ako sa tabi ng daan, kahit na kumulekta ako ng basura para mabuhay, gagawin ko! Kaya kong mabuhay! I won't sell my freedom!"
Marahas niya akong tinulak at kinuha ang hawak kong bag na may lamang dress na sinuot ko kagabi. She threw it away and the vase on the corner broke.
"Iniluwal kita! Binihisan at pinrotektahan! Inalagaan hanggang sa kayanin mo nang mag-isa tapos ngayon, ito ang igaganti mo? How dare you, Anastasia Elissa!"
Nanlaki ang mga mata ni Rowena nang nakitang basag ang paboritong vase ni daddy. Hindi siya nakagalaw sa kinatatayuan niya nang makita ang sitwasyon namin.
"You are only thinking about yourself! Paano ako? Paano ang daddy mo? Paano ang kompaniya? Paano kaming lahat?!" She cried. "You are selfish! Sarili mo lang ang iniisip mo! I raised you! I gave you everything! Who taught you your priciples?! It's disgusting! You are disgusting!"
Kumirot ang puso ko. Did she really give me everything? Did she really raise me?
I silently smiled. "You are wrong.."
I suddenly remembered how I was all alone when I was a child. I remembered how I always wanted the attention of my parents but all they gave me was money. It wasn't what I wanted. My world doesn't revolve on money.
"You didn't raise me. You did nothing to raise me." Walang buhay kong sabi. "Do you remember those nights that I will look for you but I will only find maids because you're busy partying with your friends?"
Her lips parted. Pinunasan ko ang luha kong tumulo.
"Did you ever attend even one of my PTA meetings? Did you watch me danced on my school day? Have you been on my parent's day?"
Nanginig ang boses ko. She looked away and wiped her cheek. Her nose is now runny but she is still stunning in her age.
"Mom, did you see me graduate?" Puno ng sakit na tanong ko.
Sunod-sunod na tumulo ang mga luha ko.
"Mom, did you witness how I fell in love? Did you see how happy I was with him?" My heart broke. "Did you know that he had only me, and I had only him when you forced us to break apart?"
What I told Ayden in that garden wasn't true. He isn't a mistake. He will never be a mistake. Choosing and fighting for him was the happiest moments of my life. Even though life tear us apart, I cannot deny how happy I was with him. I cannot forget how I got the whole world in his arms.
"He is a mistake, Anastasia! You are so stupid for that man!"
"If he's a mistake, then he's the best I've ever made.."
She didn't answer. I wiped my cheek again to dry my face. I sniffed and forced myself not to cry anymore.
"You do not have the right to say that I am selfish. I understood you even at my lowest point. I accepted every excuses you made. I forgave you for choosing money and fame over me.."
"I did everything I did for your own good." She firmly said.
"No.." it was like a whisper. "You did everything you did for your own good, not for me.."
And now I wonder what it feels like to have Nanay Josephine. They have limited resources, but she was there for Joanna in every aspect of her life. She may not be rich to give expensive gifts to her daughter but she was full of love.
She was full of the love I craved and wanted as a child.. Until now..
"Who taught me my principles?" I smiled. "Me. I learned it because I raised myself.."
Tuluyan ko siyang tinalikuran at naglakad palayo. Hindi ko napigilan ang pagbuhos ng mga luha ko nang maitago ko ang mukha ko.
Hindi pa ako tuluyang nakakalayo nang marinig ko ang boses ng aking ina.
"So it's okay for you to see me living in an apartment? It's alright for you to see me working an ordinary job? Losing all of my wealth and status?" Puno ng hinanakit na sabi niya. "You don't care about me?"
Napatigil ako. It's very clear now. That's the only important thing for her. Wealth and fame. Money and status. That's it.
Walang buhay akong humarap sa kaniya.
"How about you? It's okay for you to see me marry the man I don't even like?" My tear fell. "I will be miserable for the rest my life with him.."
"You will learn to love him, Anastasia. You will love him. That Valdemar will give you everything." She argued.
Hindi na ako nagtangka pang makipagtalo. I slowly nodded. "Siguro nga.."
I will never learn to love someone else. I can never manage to give my heart to someone else. Because I know deep down, my love still belongs to him. No matter what happened in the past.
I can never learn it. I am sure. If I am still stupid for this feeling, then he's the best mistake I've ever made. No doubt.
"I will marry Atlas Valdemar if that's what you want.." I looked at her directly. "But don't expect me to be a good wife.. I will never be a man's puppet.."
I turned my back to her and walked away. I know I am strong but I can't help but to cry and release the pain and frustration. Akala ko makakawala ako rito. Akala ko kaya kong ipaglaban ang sarili ko sa ganitong sitwasyon. I guess I am really left with no choice.
I opened the door of my room and locked it when I entered. Pagod at nasasaktan akong humiga sa kama at doon isinubsob ang mukha ko saka tuluyang pinalaya ang nararamdaman ko.
I hate to admit it but I feel like I'm losing. Pakiramdam ko'y kahit anong laban ang gawin ko rito, talo pa rin ako at walang ibang pagpipilian kung hindi ang humarap na lang sa altar kasama ang lalaking hindi ko mahal.
Will I be able to do it? Will I really be a Valdemar? Will I live there as Atlas' wife?
Will it be okay to his brother if I live there? Will I be okay in seeing Ayden everyday, knowing that I am tied to his brother?
I wiped my tears and sat down. Kinuha ko ang phone ko para tawagan si Amethyst. I was about to dial her number but I suddenly stopped.
I always bug Amethyst. I don't want to call Faye because I know she has a problem right now. Daniel is busy for work and Joaquin is trying to keep up with his father's business.
I ended up turning my phone off.
I closed my eyes and decided to sleep. Bukas pag gising ko, kinabukasan na ang kasal. I can't feel anything, though. Hanggang ngayon, hindi ko makumbinsi ang sarili kong magpaubaya, pero sinabi ko na sa ina kong tutuloy ako.
I wonder how it feels to live a normal life. Working on normal jobs and attending non-exclusive schools. I wonder how it feels like to be an ordinary girl with yes, limited resources and simple everyday life, but feeling complete because they are ruling their own.
I know I wanted this life. I wanted to live comfortably. I wanted friends and family. I wanted wealth..
But with all of these, I know deep inside, I am screaming.
I wonder how it feels like to live outside my world, exploring different versions of myself. I wonder how it feels like to be free.
I admire those brave people. The ones who never get scared of life. Those who rule their own lives. Those who has the freedom to choose what they want.
The people who has the choice to pick who to love.
Kinapa ko ang phone ko at inilapag iyon sa dibdib ko. Ilang minuto ang lumipas at hindi pa rin ako dinalaw ng antok. Napamuglat ako nang tumunog ang cellphone ko. It was an unregistered number. Umirap ako at sinagot ang tawag.
"What do you want?"
I heard a chuckle from the other line. "Chill. I just called to congratulate you, Anastasia."
I rolled my eyes. "For what?"
"For your wedding?" He obviously stated. "Isang araw na lang, ikakasal ka na. Are you happy?"
Parang kumirot na naman ang puso ko sa tanong niya. Parang no'ng nakaraan lang ay sinabi niya pang hindi ako puwedeng magpakasal sa kapatid niya. Ngayon, parang wala na lang sa kaniya.
Well, that's good. Atleast I know that there's no more burden in him. Wala nang dapat pang pag-usapan. No hard feelings. Sarado na ang pinto ng nakaraan.
"Y-yes." Nahihirapan kong sagot.
Napapikit ako nang mariin. If this situation is hard only for me and easy for him, then I really need to get over even the lightest feelings I have for him.
"Are you the best man?" I asked.
Nakarinig ako ng tikhim. Hindi ko idinilat ang mga mata ko at boses niya lang ang pinakinggan.
"I'm not sure. Kuya is here in Manila already."
I bit my lip and silently nodded. I don't want to see him standing on the altar. I don't want to see him on the day of my wedding. I don't want to know what he's doing that day. I don't want to see him even at the reception. I don't want to see him watching me getting married to someone else— to his brother.
"Okay." I whispered.
I don't want anything that will make me remember our memories. Ayoko ng kahit anong may kinalaman sa kaniya.
"Are you okay?" He suddenly asked.
"What do you mean? I am always okay."
Am I really?
He cleared his throat. "Okay, then. Ibababa ko na."
I sighed when I heard silence. Idinilat ko ang mga mata ko nang wala nang marinig. The line didn't end, though. Napabuga ako nang malakas na hangin.
"Ayden.." I spoke. "You still there?"
Moment of silence passed before he answered.
"I am still here. I am always here.." he huskily said.
My heart beated wildly. I cleared my throat to remove the awkwardness. Pinilit kong pakalmahin ang puso kong nagwawala.
"Do you have something to say, Asia?"
"Nothing.." I said. "Hindi mo kasi ibinaba ang tawag."
I heard some background noises. Tunog iyon ng mga nagtatawanan. I pursed my lips and tried to calm my heart again.
"You do it. Ibaba mo na ang tawag."
I nodded. I breathed deeply. "Sige. Ibababa ko na."
He sighed. "Okay. End this call now."
I closed my eyes to force myself to stop whatever I am doing right now. Why can't I end the call? What is going on? Why am I like this?
Seconds passed and it was all silence. Hindi ko ibinaba ang tawag at ganoon din siya.
"I can hear your silence.. I know there's something wrong.."
Malakas na humataw ang dibdib ko. Gusto kong maiyak ngunit alam kong hindi pwede. Para saan pa kung iiyak ako? Sa kawalan ko ng pagkakataong mamili? Sa kawalan ng kalayaan? Sa nalalapit na kasal?
Sa mga alaala, o sa pagmamahal na kahit na pilit na tinabunan ko noon ay alam kong lumalago pa rin hanggang ngayon?
"Nothing's wrong." I answered.
"You are not a good liar. You know that."
Pinunasan ko ang isang luhang lumandas sa pisngi ko. Why am I crying again? Damn it! Wala akong dahilan para umiyak! Walang dahilan para masaktan!
Iniayos ko ang pagkakahiga ko at itinabon ang comforter sa katawan ko. I don't know but I feel so low today.
"I just w-wanna ask if there's still avocados.." I forced my voice not to break. "Hindi ako nakakuha noong nakaraan."
He chuckled on the other line. I wiped another tear.
"Naipamigay ko na ang lahat.."
Kinagat ko ang labi ko. "Naiwan ko kasi ang dalawa sanang iuuwi ko."
I suddenly remembered our scene in the garden. I shouted at him. Halos gusto ko pang sapakin ang mukha niya. Ngayon, nagsisisi ako sa lahat ng sinabi ko. Dahil alam kong lahat iyon ay hindi totoo.
"Umalis ka kaagad. Paano mong hindi maiiwan?
"Oo.." I whispered. "Umalis ako kaagad."
This conversation might sound so stupid but I want to keep it going. Maybe for myself? Para na rin malibang ako at hindi mabaliw sa kaiisip kung ano na bang dapat kong gawin.
"Ayden.." tawag ko.
"Hmm?"
Nanindig ang balahibo ko sa baba ng boses niya. Kinagat ko ang labi ko para pigilan ulit ang nagbabadyang mga luha.
"I just want to say sorry for everything.."
Nang masabi ko iyon ay lalong lumakas ang bugso ng damdamin kong iiyak lahat ng nararamdaman ko. This maybe the last. Pagbibigyan ko na ang sarili ko. This is the last time.
"I think this is what I need. Closure.." my voice broke. "I want to forget and leave everything about us now."
Hindi siya sumagot. I sniffed. Maybe he now know that I am crying. The great Anastasia Elissa is crying. Wow.
"I will marry your brother.." I said. "We will see each other for sure. Ayoko naman na may sama ka ng loob sa sister-in-law mo."
Tumawa ako ng pilit. Wala pa rin siyang naging reaksiyon do'n. Tahimik pa rin ang kabilang linya.
"Maybe we'll just stay as each other's mistake?"
My heart broke when I said the word mistake. It wasn't a mistake for me. I lied. I loved him and enjoyed every minute when we were together. Hindi ko siya pagkakamali. Hindi siya pagkakamali.
"You are not my mistake, Anastasia.. I lied.."
Tinakpan ko ang bibig ko para hindi gumawa ng anumang ingay.
"I was insane for replacing my brother as your fiancé before but I didn't saw it as a mistake. You are not my mistake.."
Itinabon ko ang braso ko sa mga mata ko para sana pigilan ang pagtulo ng mga luha ko. I hate crying! I am not weak! I can't cry like this!
"M-maybe we should get our tattoo removed?" My voice quiver.
My right hand made it's way to trace my rib where our tattoo lies.
Á la folie..
"To insanity.." he whispered.
I slowly nodded. To insanity. The tattoo we got on the night of my birthday. The night he proposed. The night I said yes.
"To insanity.." I whispered back.
Nothing in life really stays the same. Change is the only thing constant. Hindi dahil hawak mo na ay hindi na magpupumiglas at lalayo. Hindi dahil naramdaman mo ay habang buhay nang mananatili.
They say that real love stays. But as for me? No. Just because it didn't managed to stay doesn't mean it isn't real. May mga pagmamahal na naging totoo naman talaga, hindi nga lang napagbigyan ng madamot na tadhana. Hindi nga lang nabigyan ng pagkakataong lumaban.
I know it because I experienced it. Pagmamahal na totoo, pero hindi kinayang manatili hanggang dulo.