"You going to tell me about who you killed? Or what?" I drop my bookbag next to Carl, his back against the couch in front of the fire with his legs propped up halfway while his face keeps to its serious self and he just looks at me settle down against a love seat or whatever, hoping he'll tell me what he was talking about before.
"Why do you want to know?" He groans and rests his head back on the cushions.
Why do I want to know? Well yeah, given my arrogance and sh1t, I don't really want to know because I think it'll help me. That's bullsh1t which only works on T.V. Which, by the way, I miss.
So why? Why is Carl fvcking Grimes, so interesting to me? What is it about him besides the fact that he's the only guy out here my age that's taken my fancy, attraction wise? The way he's just sitting there, on the floor, still in his damp as$ clothes with a face of exhaustion and pepped out curiosity to deal with me, his neck seductively exposed with the fire glowing towards it.
"You're here." I simply state. "Tell me why. You said you don't hate me, and that you're looking out for me, and you're supposed to help me...Mentioning killing someone. Putting us on the same level, almost."
We're different. Both of us are totally different, and there's no way I could even begin to understand what the heIl this kind of guy is feeling. Since the first time I met him, so many weird things have happened, not gruesome, just weird things between us that are starting to pile up and flood over me that I can't surface to say some random excuse as to why it's consuming whenever I'm near him.
"Isn't that how you plan to help me? Talking about-"
"It just slipped." He keeps his eyes on his hands, the honesty and regret he's holding in his stare apparent even if he's trying to conceal it. "I didn't plan on helping you like that. I thought maybe, killing a few walkers would help." Carl's looking off to the side before he scoffs at yeah, how ridiculous that idea is.
Kill a few walkers and I'll have an epiphany?
"If only." I snort and bring my legs up to my knees. "Damm." I laugh and rest my chin on the stolen pair of workout pants I'm guessing no longer have an original owner.
"What?" Carl imitates my position and I find myself staring at his straight expression, large eyes blinking a couple times like a little boy awaiting a bedtime story.
Ok that's cute.
"I was just thinking," I can't believe I'm about to pour my thoughts out to this guy. "Why do feelings have to be so complicated?" He frowns a bit. "They overlap, blend, blurrrrr, overcome...it sucks." I sigh and run a hand through my hair when a loud clap of thunder cracks overhead in the sky.
I know I should probably feel a little scared that I'm out in the middle of nowhere, with a somewhat strange guy, and creepy 'walkers' lurking outside, with apparently even creepier adult people out there, with no protection except for whatever we have on our person, but I don't.
I just feel somewhat relaxed right now actually.
"I'll tell you about who I killed," I slide my direction towards Carl's thinking face before he smirks. "If you tell me about your home. You know. You're life before this. The mall?"
"You want to know about that?" I raise an eyebrow. "Why?"
"You had television! I'd kill for television!" His face drops when he realizes what he just said, and I swallow to process how to take that before an unexpected laugh passes the security of my teeth and out into the open.
"I-I'd kill for television." I shrug and tilt my head to the side, the really bad joke is dead on the floor between us, but it works in breaking the ice and getting him to smile again.
Damm, that smile.
I don't think I've ever seen a smile, that could be so pure, so innocent and friendly, but mischievous at the same time. Usually at this point I start to snap myself out of whatever it is I'm thinking when it comes to Carl, but not now.
I don't feel like putting up a mental fight to keep me dragged away from warming up to him.
I like him. He's...hmm. I can't think of a word.
"Yeah. You are pretty ruthless."
Wow. Carl Grimes is messing with me? Interesting after a week of chills. Announcement, winter has ended. The world is thawing.
"Well, at least I'm not a fidgety barbarian."
"You're a raging lunatic." He picks up his forearm for a second before carelessly dropping it back down into his lap.
Raging lunatic? Me? Man this place is backwards.
"You're an imbecilic pale...pale..." He raises his eyebrows waiting to hear something come out of my mouth, but smooth as silk I'm not, it's no wonder I'm stuck on pale. "As$hole!"
"Ugh." He drops his head back. "Anticlimactic weirdo."
"Pathetic fvckas$." His head jerks up to look at me bobble my face at him.
"Immature brat." He changes position and crosses his legs while leaning forward, and I'm pretty much doing the same thing before deciding my next one.
"Arrogant, egotistical," I start to stand, a grin on his face while I'm oddly smiling down at him, eye knitted together at the special therapy I'm endorsing. How often do you get to tell the person you can't stand the things you think of them to their face, and they're ok with it?
Sh1t, this is unbelievable.
"Sarcastic, needy," Carl gently glides up to stand a little taller than me, the same fascinated expression on his face that I prize on mine.
"Piglike, sloppy,"
"Perfectionist, stingy," He says the words of insult, but it sounds just as sweet as if he were complimenting me. What the heIl?
"Unbelievable, strange,"
"Different, odd," The centimeters start to decrease to millimeters while I feel my throat starting to squeeze tight, my hands begin to shake and I'm starting to realize what the heck is going on, but keep speaking best I can...Because I don't want to stop.
I like this. Talking to Carl. Communicating.
I like it alot.
"Surprising, unique..." I shake my head.
"Spontaneous, captivating..."
Oh. Gosh.
"One of a kind." I confess. "Decent."
"Strong..." He mumbles out the word, the fact he said about me actually takes me off guard since I thought that, I'm not strong at all. I'm just stubborn. Stubborn and stupid. "Special."
"What?" What did he just...say?
I can feel my face pressing into a really baffled sculpt, because my word, did he just...? He did. I feel like I could faint, like my cheeks are rotting off because they're so hot, and he's just seconds away from closing the space between us, my stomach, lingering to press against his, and I'm craving the feeling of his strong figure on mine like before.
"I-" He closes his mouth and I see him try to manage his breathing before I understand that he just called me-wait, was that lighting?
That was pretty bright. How loud is the thun-
"Kyaa!!" I feel the entire house shake under my feet, the loud and deafening boom in the sky scares me clean off the floor and I'm jumping up into Carl's arms the way I used to jump into my dad's arms, my hands wrapped around his neck, my face buried in his shoulder with my legs tightly squeezing his waist, hooking around so that my ankles cross.
Oh my gosh, that scared the sh1t out of me.
"Woah!" My helpless victim savior lets out some air and squeezes me back in simple reaction, stumbling reverse for a second before grunting to prop me up while I cling to him like a Koala.
Great going Spes. We went from sexy cursing to childlike behavior. Classy.
"You scared of thunder?" His strong stomach shifts against my lower waist when he starts laughing at me, my pride a little dented by how much he's enjoying me shrieking like a Hollywood b1tch.
"No. Who the fvck is scared of thunder?" I speak into his neck, noticing on contact how it makes him squirm, my mouth slightly moving against his shoulder, his knees almost giving out at the sensation, and it provokes a scoff from my mouth to see what he'll do with my breathing down his neck with my sweaty breath cupped in a secure, tight place under his chin.
-Carl's P.O.V.-
I feel it come back. The lust at bay that begs to just take over teases on my neck with Spes misting my skin with her moist breath, the vague imagination of her kissing me over and over there, going crazy with me, kissing my throat, doing everything I'm craving her to do, it's all there.
Fvck, I wish it would end.
I wish me wanting her would end. Every day, every hour, every minute, every second that goes by when I'm with her, I find more to like, more to discover and become infatuated with. Whenever I'm away from her, it's like something's already missing.
We all need things to survive this place. Survive the now that doesn't let up for one second. Every day, we're survivors, and after a week or agonizing over how I feel, I've figured it out.
This girl in my arms, squeezing me in her legs, tempting me to lose control even though she doesn't know how badly I want her, I think maybe, I need her.
At this point, it'd be nice if I didn't have to survive without her.
I think I'm at least smart enough to know when something special and once in a lifetime is potentially existing near me.
I just don't know how to do deal with this. This sh1t that keeps me up at night and doesn't leave me alone during the day.
"Spes?" I feel a quick shuffle of my hair when her fingers slide into my locks, the relaxation and seduction that goes with it almost too exquisite to ignore, but when she retreats to slide back down on the ground, I'm losing the dangerous closeness to her.
I shouldn't be wanting this, not now, but it looks like I do no matter how much I try to shrug off everything I don't want to admit. Well, I did admit, just not out loud, and not to her. Damm, that's not an option either.
Forget her not feeling that way about me, I'd probably stutter and bite my tongue or some other sh1t. I'd look like an idiot and who knows what else she'd brand me as.
So genius, what's the plan? 'Keep it in my pants' and let her be? Ugh, that already sounds like a suckish idea. And hard especially with how it's just the two of us in this house, the door is secured tight, it's raining really loud...the perfect setup for a fvcking disaster.
I'm so screwed tonight.
Dammit.
_____________
"Why don't we just find a bed-"
"No bed." I hurry to toss that option.
If I'm bad now, thoughts wise, I don't want to think about what would happen if I'm in a bed. It's just the idea of what a bed could stand for.
Used to it just meant sleep. Now, it's a scary as$ symbol of things I once rolled my eyes at, but now I'm struggling to keep myself from full on accepting and acting out on them. These possibilities and temptations. I don't want to be in a bed in a house that Spes is in. I'll go nuts and I'll end up getting myself off one way or another, I know it.
And I don't want that. It makes me feel perverted.
Surprise, surprise. I am a pervert.
"Why not?" She groans.
"Here is fine. It's not a good idea to separate." Wait. That's kind of contradictory to me controlling myself. Fvck, why didn't I think this through? The second I saw Spes running away, I didn't think that maybe I should call out for someone to stop her? I just took it upon myself to be alone with her and help her?
I should be beating myself up for being so stupid, but I can't find anything wrong with it.
Me and Spes alone is a recipe for a disaster, but she's always like that, and I still have that feeling of not wanting anyone else near her right now. I sort of just want her to myself, like the selfish moron I am.
Tch. It's like having something but I can't touch it. Just like fire.
Spes Fire.
"It's too early to go to bed anyway." She comments while we set up the area in front of the fireplace to be like a giant sleeping area, cozy and as soft as comfortable.
"It's like 12!" I smile and decide to just shut off my back and forth sh1t inside my brain, just enjoy what I have for however long I can.
"Well we could talk? I never did tell you about home. You can't honestly be tired can you?"
"Not really. But we should be rested to head out tomorrow." Even though I would like to stay up and talk to you, get to know you, and not have to sleep right next to you, and be without you.
"We can sleep in. I'm going to get the blankets from upstairs." She sighs and takes off her black cowgirl boots before hopping over to the steps, the little act of domestic comfort, her taking her shoes off, almost like she's right at home has me smiling at her like an idiot even after she disappears from sight.
Oh, sh1t, it's getting bad.
A few minutes later and we're both pulling the sheets wide, setting them down, turning it into a giant bed almost, I mean the blankets are heavy and fluffy, and I catch her throw our pathetic excuse for food down before rubbing her shoulder again.
She started telling me a lot of different random things. Nothing about her father, I got the idea she hated him or something, maybe that's why she's not bringing him up, and as much as I'm curious as to that part of her life, I decide to just let her tell me what she wants, which is something out of a storybook almost given that everything she's told me sounds like a fantasy for people like me and the group.
I wonder if she regrets leaving given that it sounds like paradise there and out here, it's just woods and ceased civilization.
"Sometimes late at night," She turned to grin at me, automatically pulling a smile on my face when she moves to lie on her side, turning to me and putting her head up under her hand, lifting it while I do the same exact thing. "Every few months, we'd celebrate another successful time of surviving, like, everyone would be a part of it. It was like a ball." She lifts her eyebrows at the comparison. "They would stream up," Spes lifts her hand and gestures putting something up. Gosh she's cute. I never noticed before. Enchanting too. Hypnotizing. Especially in this light. "Christmas lights, like, a lot of them, and it'd be just like going to a castle. Everyone would be dancing or talking, I mean, it was like the whole world was in on it."
"Yeah?" I urge her to go on. Tell me more of what I'm picturing.
I've only been to that mall once or twice, and I was about 8. Back then it was just a crowded Christmas shopping time. People were knocking others to the side trying to get the last pair of gloves or the cheapest sales price for some random reason.
It was a madhouse. Still, my mom was a genius at dodging everyone back then. It wasn't half bad.
"We'd have a lot of different things to do. They'd actually play the movies in the theater sometimes. Like, under special occasions."
I laughed at the idea. I forgot about the movie theater.
"When the party was over, always ending, I'd just sit on one of the highest floors that overlooked the lower levels, and I'd just sit at the railing, watching everyone either going to sleep or packing up a few things. They'd always have songs playing for like, anyone who wanted to listen. At 2:00 everything would shut off, so, I'd always just, hang around..." I watch Spes' eyes glance down to the space between us. "Sometimes I'd think about the dancing I did earlier in the party room." She giggles to herself. "Oh gosh. I was so completely oblivious to how shameless I was back then."
"What do you mean?"
"Oh just, not giving a sh1t who was watching the 'Child Of The Future' dancing. It was just me and my friends, killin' it." She says the last two words in a lazy high pitched tone.
"Killin' it, huh?" I laugh, but a strange wham of wondering if she ever danced with a guy, if she'd ever had a boyfriend, if she'd ever had any experience with guys before makes me tired of the subject we're on and I sigh before lying down. "We should go to bed."
"Oh?" She asks, caught off guard.
Sh1t, what's wrong with me? I'm getting jealous over someone I don't even know exists? Over an idea? Dammit.
"I'm kinda tired." I roll away from her and shift before putting the back of my hand under my cheek, the other palm touching my ear.
I have serious problems.
"Goodnight Carl." I close my eyes in satisfaction at how she always finds ways to say my name, the sound of it completely sexy with her non-girly voice. The spice in it something I'm beginning to crave, like an ingredient to complete a delicious dish.
I know I'm losing it by the way I'm comparing her voice to food.
"Goodnight Spes."
____________
"Mm." I hear a small mumble behind me, opening my eyes a little to see Spes asleep, her chest rising suddenly before I'm caught in her arms, her mouth parting at the same time I widen my eyes at her doing weird sh1t in her sleep again.
"Spes?" I partially hiss out of panic.
Oh great. I'm on the edge of my mind, I'm sleeping with the girl I like, and she's clinging to me in her sleep in the middle of the night! Great, fvcking situation Carl! Dammit!
I'll never get to sleep now.
____________
-Spes' P.O.V.-
The entire time I was talking to Carl about back home, I kept struggling with my words, hoping he couldn't hear how my voice was shaking since I was so nervous, being so close to him, telling him about random sh1t, I was distracted by the brief and subtle outline of his muscles under his grey shirt, thinking, oh my gosh how is he so toned?!
I kept getting these weird thoughts. Wondering how he saw me. Wondering, well, what he'd sound like if ever he had sex. Wondering if he's ever had sex before. Just endless fvcked up thoughts that Estela's taught me to think by her constant verbal non-filtered thinking process.
This is something my own though.
I never thought I'd get to a level where I'm trying to imagine a guy's voice whimpering or moaning like he's desperate for a sexual relief.
I can't sleep.
I mean I drifted to sleep not too long ago, but I feel restless. I keep thinking about Carl's mouth for some reason.
"Tsk." I shift and start to think about what Estela told me, or rather the book she gave me where that girl masturbated in the first freaking chapter...Sh1t, I wish I never read that, it's just making me more restless.
The thoughts in and of itself is plain. I've known about it for years and not cared. All I did care about was my future and the saber that I have resting in the love seat. But when I think about sex, and then just imagine Carl with the same thought...I get this feeling inside of me.
Is it lust?
I've never felt this way before.
There were tons of guys back home, not all of them were known for being dicks to me. In fact, Carl's been a bit difficult in the past...but I still like him. Just in some sort of odd way I can't wrap my head around.
I need to stop thinking. I need to focus. I came out here because I killed someone. Not because I'm fantasizing about Carl. This is so wrong. He's right behind me. I can't hear him breathing, just like before but...
Wait.
As the rain slowly begins to pick up, I sigh and frown at the feeling of Carl's hand on my as$, pressing against my skin, which is really annoying me, the way he's just so close to me, no personal space whatsoever. I won't even bother turning around. I'll just freak out that his face will be so, so close and I don't need that right now.
Without thinking, I move my arm and reach down to grab Carl's hand when my palms greeted with fabric instead of skin.
Uhhh...
"Carl?" I turn slightly and press my palm a bit trying to figure out what the heIl I'm holding if not his hand when he literally hisses in my ear and follows it with a heavy exhale.
What the-wait...wait one single-
Mother of fvcking sh1t?! What the fvcking heIl?!
I didn't. I didn't. I-Oh my gosh!!
I sit up and drop my jaw at the realization I just grabbed Carl's penis in his sleep. My gosh, wait...but...wait a minute.
He's...
If memory serves me right, and I didn't block it out, Estela's tutoring in this subject, he's hard? But that means...wait, uh. Oh gosh. Ok, calm down. It's probably just, something that just happens with guys.
By the time I process what the heIl just went on, I'm on my palms, lowering myself to face Carl, knowing that he's unconsciously aroused when he doesn't even know it himself. He's fast asleep, and sick as it is, there's something that's refusing to be stopped when my curiosity gets the better of me, and my trembling hand presses against him once more, watching his slumbering face slowly wince at the feeling of me pushing my fingers in between his jeaned legs.
"A-" He turns on his back and I yank my body off the ground, hoping he doesn't wake up.
What the heIl was I just doing!?
Oh gosh.
This is sick.
I hurry my as$ upstairs, away from him and slip myself into the bathroom, pausing for a second to walk in a small circle, lecturing myself for being so out of character and weird, practically molesting him without his permission, or knowledge, just treating him like a fvcking object and sh1t...Dammit!!
I'm literally flushed in the face with the sound he made.
Broken and subtle...
Like an antidote to my blushing problem, I walk to the window in the small quiet, dark place and hit the pane, trying to lift it up without any problems, the rain's speech increasing to speak its chaos, soaking everything on the ground, mud becoming a main factor, and I hope that this doesn't wake Carl.
I cup my hands tightly and take a big splash to my face, hoping to dull this strange feeling that's slowly beginning to replace my head with my bodies wants, inescapable and merciless that I almost refuse the option to sit down with my head against the wall under the open window, but I do it, foot tapping and head in a strangled mess.
Don't do it.
Don't do it.
Think about something else.
A-
Stop thinking about it!
Gosh! Please...liberate me from this.
I don't want to feel this way. I don't know why, but I don't want it. It's not something I can help, the slow dip of my fingers towards my sex, wondering how wet Carl's sleeping cry made me, the curiosity as to what it would feel like, thinking of him reacting to me pushing against his hardness, makes it impossible not to try it.
N-Normally, I think I'd feel like a freak, like a slut or something, wondering if this made me just like Estela, but, oh gosh, I can't seem to think of anything but Carl.
Before even noticing, I open my mouth at the feeling of a warmer touch dragging upwards, my chest rising up off the wall while my head slowly tilts back, a few words of odd thoughts streaming nonsense in Spanish drop from my tongue before it turns into the sound of Carl moaning again.
__________
You know, Chan is getting pretty toned like lately. Like....jaze, remember when his shirts used to jsut sort of hang off his bony shoulders? And now they're tight against his chest?! WHAT GIVES?! XD XD XD
Anway, enough perversion on my part...have a cool day/night, wherever you are, have it cool. bya