Clarke found herself on the beach after her first day back to class. She managed pretty well considering she still got uncomfortable around lots of people. It wasn't the classes that bothered her, it was the stares and whispers. Clarke absolutely hated that wherever she went, they she couldn't escape them.
It became overwhelming.
She just kept her head down and went to class without speaking to anyone other than texting her friends and Lexa to let them know she was doing okay.
Now, Clarke sat with her knees drawn up to her chest, her bare foot dug into the sand while her booted foot was propped on a towel. She gazed out towards the ocean and normally that brought her peace, now all she felt was anxiety.
"Hey, love," Lexa called to get her attention before she sat down behind her and wrapped her arms around her, "Why didn't you wait for me?"
Clarke shrugged, "I wanted to see if I could do it myself," She leaned back into Lexa's embrace and finally felt the peace she was looking for, "I miss surfing, but I'm not sure if I'll be able to get out there now. I feel like a piece of me was taken away."
Lexa kissed the side of her head and held her tighter, "If you honestly don't want to surf again, I'll support you one hundred percent," She paused and Clarke had a feeling of what she was going to say, "But if there's a part of you that still wants to surf because you love it, than don't let anyone or anything stop you."
"Okay," Clarke nodded, mulling over what Lexa had said. She needed some more time until she made that decision, "How was class?"
"Boring," Lexa chuckled against her, "I just missed you. It's hard being away from you."
"I missed you too," Clarke smiled and turned to press their lips together in a soft, tender kiss. It was nice to be able to just be with Lexa and not worry about anything else at the moment. It was something she planned to always treasure, "I'm glad class was okay for you though."
Lexa raised an eyebrow"What about you? I know we've texted, but you didn't really elaborate," Lexa peppered kisses across her neck and Clarke couldn't help but lean her head back against Lexa's shoulder to give her more access.
"Could've been better, could've been worse, honestly," Clarke gripped onto Lexa's hand as Lexa sucked on her pulse point, "I made it through my first day back, so I guess that's what matters."
Lexa pulled back to look into her eyes, "That's exactly right, Clarke. One step at a time and one day at a time. No matter what I'll be right by your side."
Clarke could see the love and sincerity shining like a beacon in Lexa's eyes and just knowing Lexa would be there helped immensely, and she meant every word.
"Thank you," Clarke looked back out at the ocean where the tide started to roll in. She moved to stand up, but Lexa kept a tight hold around her waist.
"Where do you think you're going?" Lexa growled playfully and nipped her ear. For a split second, Clarke was back in the locked room and she tensed up. Only Lexa's voice saying her name brought her back to the present.
"Sorry, babe," Clarke's shoulders dropped because she hated ruining a perfectly good moment with Lexa.
"You don't ever have to apologize, love," Lexa murmured softly against her hair, "I shouldn't have...I wasn't..." the regret was deep in her voice.
Clarke cut her off by capturing Lexa's lips because she needed to taste and feel Lexa. She wanted to lose herself in Lexa and remind herself that she was here with her and not there with him.
She was safe.
Lexa moaned into the kiss and swiped her tongue across Clarke's bottom lip. She opened her mouth and groaned at the feel of Lexa's tongue against hers. Before she realized it, Clarke had straddled Lexa's lap, her hands tangled in Lexa's hair and the kiss was getting dirtier. Lexa's hands were on her ass encouraging her.
The beeping of her phone was what had her pulling back. She grabbed it from beside her and silenced the alarm, "Sorry, baby, I gotta go."
"I know, you have therapy," Lexa smiled as Clarke scooted off her lap so Lexa could stand. Clarke took Lexa's hand when she offered it and let Lexa help her to her feet, "Can I walk you there?"
"I thought you had practice," Clarke racked her brain trying to remember Lexa's schedule.
"I do," Lexa linked their fingers together and brought her hand to her lips for a kiss. Clarke could feel the underlying tension in the way Lexa held her shoulders.
"Are you looking forward to getting back on the field?" She knew their trip there the other day helped a little, but it was only the two of them in the empty stadium which made it easier.
"Yes and no," Lexa admitted shyly, "I mean I look forward to it, yes, but at the same time, I dunno if I'll be able to handle it." She shrugged and couldn't quite meet Clarke's eyes.
"Well, you won't know until you try, babe," Clarke replied gently. She felt like a hypocrite because she was giving advice that she wasn't sure she could follow herself, "I'll be there Saturday..." Clarke took a deep breath, "To cheer you on."
"I know you will be," Lexa ran a hand over her face, "Thank you, love," Lexa's smile slowly came back, "So can I walk you there?"
She noticed Lexa was changing the subject and let her. Besides, if they didn't move, they both were going to be late.
"I would love that," Clarke bent down to grab the towel and tossed it over her shoulder. She glanced down the beach at her house, her grin slipping from her face. She loved that house, but knew she wouldn't ever be able to go back.
It was tainted.
Lexa followed her gaze, "You should talk to your mom."
"I will," Clarke tore her gaze away and led Lexa off the beach.
"She will understand," Lexa squeezed her hand, "You know she will."
"I know you're right," Clarke nodded and took a deep breath, "I just feel bad," She knew the only decision was to sell it, but knew it would be a hassle for her mom.
"Don't invalidate your feelings, love," Lexa said firmly which sounded like something her therapist would tell her. She couldn't help the smile that graced her lips.
"I see you've been listening in your own sessions," Clarke teased, feeling a little lighter that Lexa was so supportive.
"Of course, I have," Lexa stopped them when they reached the building, "I'll do whatever it takes for us to both move forward." Lexa hugged her tightly.
"I love you," Clarke leaned up to kiss her again, savoring Lexa's taste.
"I love you too," Lexa kissed her again, "I can't meet you after, but Raven should be along to pick you up."
"Sounds good," Clarke pulled back and shooed her away, "Get going to practice, Lex." She smiled for her.
"Yes, ma'am," Lexa grinned, "See you tonight."
"That you will, Commander," Clarke winked and enjoyed Lexa's groan as she turned on her heel and towards the door. She heard Lexa call after her.
"Tease."
She looked over her shoulder and licked her lips, knowing it drove Lexa crazy, but Lexa apparently was ready because she stood there with her shirt pulled up flexing her abs and biting her bottom lip. Lexa knew her that well.
Clarke's mouth watered at the sight. When she looked up, Lexa had a smirk before she sauntered off. She shook her head because Lexa could say she was a tease all she wanted, but Clarke knew she wasn't the only one.
Taking a deep breath, Clarke headed inside.
-=-
The week went much faster than Lexa thought it would. She found herself with knots in her stomach when she woke up the day of her first game back. The only thing that helped was Clarke. She glanced over next to her to see Clarke sleeping soundly which was a very good thing because Clarke needed her rest.
She snuck out of bed quietly to take a shower, knowing she only had a few hours until she had to be at the field. It felt strange, falling back into her familiar old routine. Lexa pressed a kiss to Clarke's forehead and brushed her hair back from her face. Lexa took a moment to just look at her because she loved seeing her so at peace.
Making her way into the adorning bathroom she closed the door quietly behind her. She stripped off her boxers while the shower warmed up. Lexa grabbed her toothbrush, applied toothpaste and brushed her teeth while she waited. Anything to distract her from what was coming.
It wasn't that she didn't want to play, Lexa loved the game, it was the thought of being on the field again and not seeing Clarke there again.
That was her biggest fear.
Logically she knew he was in jail and would never touch her again, but part of her still feared, he would find a way to get to her. Lexa never voiced these fears out loud to anyone other than her therapist because she didn't want to scare Clarke when she was already scared enough.
With her mind plagued with thoughts, Lexa stepped under the hot spray, but it did little to ease the tension in her back and shoulders like it usually did. She kept her head under the water and let the water beat down because if anything, the heat of the water kept her from thinking too much for a moment.
When hands wrapped around her and she felt a naked body press against her own, Lexa tensed until she recognized who it was. Feeling Clarke's wet body slide against hers, had her dick springing to attention.
"Did I wake you?" Lexa's voice was filled with desire. She longed to take control and have her way with Clarke, but would never push her. Right now, with the way she was feeling, Lexa was afraid she would snap, she was so wound up. Today was going to hard and she wished she could fuck the tension out, but knew it wasn't an option.
"No," Clarke's hands kneaded her shoulders and Lexa released a long, drawn out groan as Clarke continued to massage her back and shoulders, "You okay?"
"Yes," Lexa grit out, her hands clenched in fists at her side.
"Are you sure?" Clarke touched her face, but Lexa didn't want Clarke to see her right now. The last thing, Lexa wanted to do was scare her. She thought back to the night she fucked Clarke on the patio, how eager and wanting she was, how much they both enjoyed it.
Until the moment had been ruined the next day.
She wanted to relieve that experience in a different setting to wash away the bad memories, but knew Clarke wasn't ready for that level of aggression.
"I'm okay," Lexa moaned when Clarke's nails scratched her abs and across her pelvic bone, "Clarke..." She warned, but Clarke didn't listen.
"What can I do, baby?" Clarke husked and kissed her neck and shoulders, "Tell me how I can help?"
"You're driving me crazy," Lexa pressed her head against the shower wall.
"Good."
"Clarke, I don't think I can control myself today, so please..." She bit her bottom lip hard, almost drawing blood as she struggled, "Please...stop."
"Is that what you want, babe?" Clarke's roaming fingers trailed over her cock at last and squeezed. Lexa automatically bucked her hips as Clarke stroked her slowly.
"It's what you need," Lexa grinded out as Clarke continued to move her hand up and down. Lexa was aching and needed release, but a hand job wasn't what she wanted. It would temporarily give her relief, but not enough, "Fuck," Lexa bucked into her touch and knew she would explode any minute because Clarke always knew just what to do.
"What I need is you to fuck me," Clarke purred.
Lexa whipped around, almost completely forgetting her need to cum. She had not expected Clarke to say that. It had only been a week since they made love again, even though they'd done it every day since, it was always soft and tender. Well, except last night, Clarke had asked Lexa to go harder, but she'd figured Clarke had just been caught up in the moment.
"What did you say?" Lexa couldn't help but ask again to make sure she heard correctly.
"You heard me," Clarke stepped closer until every inch of their skin touched. Her dick was pressed against Clarke's cunt and she could feel how wet Clarke was. Lexa whimpered knowing it was Clarke's arousal and not water from the shower.
Clarke wrapped her arms around her shoulders and pulled her into a kiss that took her breath away. Clarke kissed her like it would be the last thing she ever did and Lexa kissed her back just as passionately. She slid her hands down to Clarke's ass and squeezed before she lifted her up and shoved her against the wet tile.
"Clarke, are you sure?" Lexa had to make sure, because she would never forgive herself if she did something to hurt Clarke.
"Absolutely," Clarke's hand wrapped around the back of her neck while the other trailed down her stomach and squeezed her dick. She was helpless to do anything other than watch as Clarke guided her to her entrance where her head pressed into Clarke slightly, "Fuck me, baby."
Lexa slid in slowly, enjoying the warm, tight heat surrounding her like a lover's embrace. She loved how tight Clarke was no matter how many times they'd made love, it never changed. She slid in all the way, until their hips touched and Lexa stopped to give Clarke time to adjust, "Fuck baby, fuck!" Lexa leaned into kiss her because the pounding in her dick was getting worse.
"Let go, Lex," Clarke kissed the corner of her mouth and gasped when Lexa thrust softly, "I trust you."
That was all the confirmation, Lexa needed as she wrapped Clarke's legs around her, thankful that Clarke had gotten her boot off just yesterday, as Clarke dug her heels into her back hard. Lexa thrusted deep, fast and hard, causing Clarke to release a loud scream of pleasure.
"Damn, baby," Lexa groaned as she continued to pound into Clarke. One hand gripped Clarke's ass while the other went behind Clarke's head to protect her from slamming it against the tile as she drilled her into the wall.
"Fuck, fuck, Lex...mmm..fuck yes!" Clarke bucked forward, meeting every thrust and Lexa couldn't get enough. She loved watching the pleasure on Clarke's face because she could feel every inch of her cock.
"Is this what you wanted?" Lexa grunted as she pulled out only to slam back in. She kept up the brutal pace driving them both to the brink. Every time she felt Clarke clench down around her, she stuttered in her motion because she was so fucking close to release.
"Yes, yes!" Clarke moaned loudly. Lexa pressed her lips to Clarke's panting mouth as she grinded against her. She started to alternate between deep and hard thrusts to slow and shallow as she wanted to draw this out as long as possible. She pulled out to drag her cock against Clarke's clit and watched as Clarke let out another scream, her face scrunched up in absolute pleasure as she came, "Oh my god! More, baby, more!"
Lexa wasted no time in sliding back in and resuming the frantic pace. As soon as she felt Clarke flutter around her as she came again, Lexa's pace faltered as she felt herself spasm and release deep inside Clarke. It triggered another orgasm for Clarke and Lexa kissed her deeply before wrapping her arms tight around Clarke and holding her to her chest.
"Are you okay? I didn't hurt you did I?" Lexa went to move, but Clarke clutched her shoulders.
"Don't pull out," Clarke kissed her softly, a complete contrast to what they just did, but it felt absolutely right, "You didn't hurt me and I'm more than okay, babe."
"Really?" Lexa pulled back just enough to look at her.
"Yes," Clarke caressed her face and Lexa leaned into her touch. The earlier tension and aggression had completely melted away and all that was left was Clarke in her arms, "Feel better?"
"How did you know I needed that?" Lexa couldn't help but ask.
"Because I needed it too and today is going to be difficult and I wanted to be with you. Raw passion between us and nothing else," Clarke leaned their foreheads together, "Plus I always know you and know what you need."
Lexa giggled and pinched Clarke's ass, "I love you."
"I love you too," Clarke unwrapped her legs and Lexa gently set her back down. Her dick slipped out and their combined arousal dripped down Clarke's legs, "Looks like we need an actual shower now."
She nodded, "Looks like," She tested the water to see if it was still warm and it was, "May I wash you?"
"Yes, baby," Clarke smiled and handed her a washcloth and body wash, "But only if I can return the favor."
"It's a deal," Lexa grinned because this day had started off so much better than she could have hoped.
Now all she wished for was that it ended the same way.
-=-
"I'm not sure I can do this," Clarke mumbled as she stared at the stadium that was quickly filling up fans. She sat in the car, wringing her hands together, sweat broke out on her forehead and her heart rate sped up just hearing the crowd chanting from the car.
"You'll be okay," Raven was next to her and put a hand over hers, "The first thing, you get to do is see Lexa in the locker room."
"Yeah, I think she needs it as much as you," Anya spoke up from the front seat, "Besides, we'll be right beside you and we won't let anything happen to you..." She trailed off, but Clarke heard the word 'again' that went unspoken.
Nodding, Clarke put her hand on the handle and took a deep breath. She wished Lexa was next to her like she was when they came here last week. It helped make it more bearable, but now she only had her friends. It wasn't that she didn't trust or believe in Raven and Anya by extension, but Lexa had a way of calming her better than anybody else. She hoped after their morning sex that she'd be more relaxed, and she had been, until they parked in front of the stadium.
Her fears came rushing back like an avalanche and Clarke felt like she would drown in them before she even stepped out of the car.
"Octavia should be saving us seats and Abby is coming as well," Raven squeezed her hand, but Clarke barely registered it.
"We're going to see Lexa now?" She asked instead, holding onto the one thing would keep her sane.
"Yes," Anya answered, "The game starts in about twenty minutes, but I do know Lexa is waiting for you," She held up her phone to show the ten texts from Lexa.
Clarke sucked in a deep breath and tried to calm her racing heart, "We should go," She opened the door and climbed out, glad she had sunglasses on because tears pooled in the corner of her eyes, "I don't want to keep Lex waiting." she hoped her voice sounded stronger than she felt.
"Okay," Raven got out and flanked one side while Anya was on the other. In spite of herself she smiled slightly at how protective both of them were being. Sometimes it was too much, but Clarke knew they only had her best interests at heart. Besides she knew they partly blamed themselves for what happened, which wasn't right because it was her fault and hers alone.
That was another thing she was working on dealing with in her sessions with her therapist.
Stepping under the archway and into the stadium had Clarke grabbing Raven's hand and gripping it tightly. She saw a bunch of green and black swarming around her that her vision went blurry, but before her knees buckled, Raven hauled her to a corner where she wouldn't be jostled.
"Take a deep breath," Raven's face swam in front of her before it cleared, "In and out, Clarke," She tried to do as Raven requested, but her breaths only came in harsher pants.
Suddenly, Anya stood in front of her, "Tell me three things you see?"
Taking large gulps of air, Clarke felt tears track down her cheeks, "I see...I see...you, Raven and a hot dog stand."
"Good, good," Anya said softly and kept her breaths even, "Try to match my breathing...now tell me what three things do you smell?"
Her breathing started to slow as her pace matched Anya's, "Pretzels, sweat and popcorn."
"Excellent," Anya smiled softly as her breaths finally returned to normal, "You okay now?"
"Yeah," Clarke nodded, "Thank you," She was embarrassed that she had a panic attack, but was grateful that she had friends who would help if Lexa couldn't, "This didn't happen last week when I came with Lexa."
Raven who had been silent throughout spoke up, "The place was empty and it was just the two of you, now it's packed to the gills and much more similar to before. " she looked around them.
She knew Raven made sense, but she wiped her cheeks and stood straighter, "Can we see Lexa now?"
"Of course."
This time, both Raven and Anya made sure nobody got too close, going as far as putting up their hands to ward anyone away that got too close. In what seemed like no time at all, Clarke was standing outside the locker room. She couldn't help but smile, knowing she would see Lexa in just a second.
All she was waiting for was the go ahead from Anya who went in to check that Lexa was alone.
Anya came back out after a minute, the door swinging back and forth behind her, "Go on in, she's waiting for you," She patted her on the shoulder, "We'll be right here when you come back out."
Clarke looked back and forth between them, "Thank you."
"No problem, Griff," Raven's voice was gruff, but Clarke knew better than to draw attention to it.
She squared her shoulders and pushed the door open and searches for Lexa. Clarke didn't have to look for long because she found Lexa sitting on the bench in her football pants, cleats, jersey and helmet beside her with her warpaint on. Clarke still found Lexa absolutely sexy in her uniform and today was no different.
"Baby," Lexa looked up and stood Clarke quickened her steps and threw herself in her arms. When Lexa's arms came down around her, Clarke knew she was home. She enjoyed the warmth of her hug for a moment before she pulled back to cup Lexa's cheek, "Are you okay?"
"Better now that you're here," Lexa whispered, her lips pressed against her hair, "How are you?"
"The same," Clarke burrowed her head into Lexa's chest again, "I had a panic attack," She admitted, not wanting to lie to Lexa, "But I really am okay now."
Lexa pulled back and gripped her chin lightly, "Are you sure? Do you need to go home?"
"No, I'm right where I want to be. I won't let this be taken away and you shouldn't either," Clarke caressed Lexa's cheek, "I want you to go out there and show everyone that they didn't get us down and that we're stronger than ever despite everything that has happened. Can you do that for me, babe?"
"Anything for you," Lexa kissed her softly, "I'm so proud of you, love,' Lexa choked up, "Not many people would be here today after something like that, but you are," She kissed her again, "You're incredible."
Clarke blushed, "I mean, I do try," She smiled, hoping to lighten the mood. Clarke knew Lexa needed to get her head in the game. The team they were facing wasn't their biggest competitor, but still, she wanted Lexa to focus on the game she loved and not to worry about her.
Lexa laughed, "Dork," She ran her thumb over her bottom lip and Clarke saw Lexa's eyes darken slightly.
"That's me," She kissed the pad of Lexa's thumb before she curled a hand around the nape of Lexa's neck and brought her in for a kiss, "Kick ass out there, baby."
"I'll do my best," Lexa smiled, "If you need me during the game, have someone come and get me, please."
Clarke nodded, but knew she had absolutely no intention of doing that. This was an important game and decided whether they went to the playoffs or not. There no way no way, Clarke would ruin that for her.
"I love you," She leaned on her tiptoes and kissed Lexa again.
"I love you too," Lexa picked up her helmet, "Walk with me as far as you can go?"
"Of course, Lex," Clarke linked their hands together, "Whatever you need."
"I just need you."
"You have me, always, Lex." Clarke squeezed her hand and together they exited the locker room.
-=-
It was the fourth quarter of the game and Lexa kept getting distracted by checking to make sure Clarke was still in the stands where she was supposed to be. Each and every time, she was there between Octavia and Raven with Anya and Abby on either side as well.
She blew out a sigh of relief every time they locked eyes from across the field.
Currently, her team was in a huddle as they were down by a field goal. She knew it was her fault because she had missed a couple wide open passes that normally wouldn't have been overthrown.
It was hard being out here because large crowds now caused her chest to tighten when before she embraced it. It was something she needed to overcome, but it was a lot harder than she thought it would be.
"Commander, you need to get your head in the game," Gustus slapped her on the back so hard that Lexa slid a few inches in the grass.
"I'm trying," Lexa growled and wiped her sweaty brow. There were only two minutes left in the game and luckily they had possession of the ball, "I'm doing the best I can."
"No you're not," Indra spoke up, "You keep checking on Clarke and we all understand why, we do. But, we need you with us right now, head in the game because without you fully committed, we will lose."
Lexa sighed knowing her teammates were right. After Clarke's pep talk, she came out blazing and they took an early lead. By halftime they were ahead by two touchdowns, but Flokru came back out with their guns blazing and quickly caught up with a few spectacular plays that even had Lexa watching in amazement.
Now, the closer it got to the end of the game, the more her fears came back and the more she checked for Clarke in the stands. Each and every time, Clarke locked eyes with her, she signed 'I love you' that helped calm her anxiety, but she kept checking more and more to the point she was no longer focused on the game.
"Okay," Lexa clapped her hands together, "Flea flicker," She called the play that they had never done before, but knew their odds would be good. They had no timeouts remaining so they needed to make these last few plays count.
"We're a team, Lex," Lincoln whispered after she broke the huddle, "We got your back and we know you have ours. Clarke is safe and she wants us to win as much as we do. Remember that."
"Thanks," Lexa nodded and got into position. Around her, she could hear the crowd chanting her name, stomping of thousands pair of feet against the metal stands. She smelled freshly cut grass and sweat. She got the ball snapped to her and with the familiar weight and feel of the leather football in her grasp, Lexa dropped back to hand it off to Lincoln.
The crowd went silent as the seconds ticked away on the clock in the end zone. She moved back as Lincoln started moving forward with the defenders converging on him. She held her breath as he tossed it backwards and into her waiting hands. With the ball in hand, Lexa scrambled to miss a tackle and saw Indra sprinting down the sidelines, a good five feet in front of the secondary.
With a prayer, Lexa launched it into the air in a perfect spiral and watched it soar right in front of Indra who reached out and hauled in by her fingertips as she took a few large steps trying to keep her balance.
It was a perfect throw.
The sound of the crowd burst into cheers as Indra crossed across the goal line and scored. Lexa let out a yell and ran down the field to embrace her. She looked back at the stands to see a beaming Clarke screaming and yelling. Without another thought, Lexa blew a kiss to her and watched as Clarke caught it and returned it.
Clarke was right, they couldn't let him take anything else from them and this was the game she loved. She smiled and turned back to her team. There were only ten seconds left and Lexa knew without a doubt, they had done it.
She jogged off the field and waited as their special teams took the field for the extra point. As usual, he was perfect and kicked it dead center between the posts.
They'd won and Lexa was ecstatic.
"We're going to the playoffs!" Lincoln yelled and the rest of the team joined in. It was a closer game than Lexa had intended, but they still managed to pull off the win and that was all that mattered to her.
If it hadn't been for the pep talks from both Clarke and her team, Lexa wasn't sure if she would have been able to step back out onto the field if it wasn't for the support from everyone.
Seeing Clarke there and watching her face her own demons, made it more bearable for her to face her own.
Clarke was right and they were stronger than ever before and Lexa knew together, anything was possible.
-=-
The next few weeks returned mostly back to normal for both her and Lexa. Clarke returned to work at the coffee shop a few days a week and Lexa kept up with her classes, work and practice. They were back to being extremely busy, but still made time for each other each and every day.
Not to mention went to sleep in the same bed every night and woke up together in the morning.
The only thing that Clarke hadn't done was surf. It wasn't that she didn't want to, each and every morning she woke up with the urge to surf, but never got up and headed to the beach. The couple times she had managed to get out there Clarke would find herself sitting on the beach with her surfboard watching the sunrise, but she never ventured into the ocean.
Usually when she went Clarke was home long before Lexa woke up. But this morning she must have been out later than usual, she'd received a letter in the mail yesterday and what it said threw her slightly off kilter.
Surfing was her go to in order to escape, but she found she couldn't work up the nerve to actually do it again. Instead, here she sat on the beach just watching the waves she used to ride crash onto the shore.
"Baby," Lexa's voice called softly to her. She turned to see Lexa headed towards her with a surfboard under her own arm.
"Lex, what are you doing?" She watched Lexa stick her board in the sand before she sat down next to her and put an arm around her shoulders.
"Being here for you," Lexa kissed her temple, "I know you sneak out some mornings and come here," Clarke went to say something, but Lexa held up a hand, "I wanted to give you space to figure it out on your own, but when I realized you haven't stepped foot in the water, let alone surf, I figured I needed to remind you of the thing you love more than anything."
"That would be you," Clarke smiled quickly, "Besides, surfing is just a hobby," shrugging she dug her toes into the sand and avoided Lexa's eyes, "It's no big deal."
"Clarke, I love you too, but you and I both know that's crap," Lexa shook her head, "Surfing is your passion, art is your hobby and I'm not going anywhere."
Tears glistened in Clarke's eyes, "I've been trying, I just can't ever get myself to move from this spot. Except to go home." she sighed in frustration.
"That's okay, love," Lexa smiled, "It takes as long as it takes. You've made a lot of progress these last few weeks. You had other things to overcome first and that's perfectly fine. But I know how much surfing means to you, just like you know how much football means to me."
She knew Lexa was right, but didn't know what to say at the moment. She was touched that Lexa was there and obviously willing to sit there with her or go in the water if she chose. Clarke understood what Lexa was saying and that ultimately it was her decision to make.
"It does."
"I know," Lexa kissed her head again, "You've been having less nightmares and less panic attacks which is great. You've even been able to come to the playoff games as well. Those are huge steps, Clarke. What happened that drove you out here today?"
"I got a letter," Clarke whispered softly, "About the trial."
"Oh," Lexa scooted closer and Clarke laid her head on Lexa's shoulder, "I see."
"Yeah, the trial is in a couple weeks and they need me to testify. If I don't, they really don't have a case."
"Even though you recorded it?" Lexa asked hesitantly. Clarke just nodded and Lexa asked next, "do you think you can do that?"
"I need to," Clarke sighed as the tears fell, "If I don't, he could be set free and that's the last thing I want."
"If you can't do it, I'm sure there's enough evidence to convict him," Lexa murmured in her ear, "Whatever you choose, just know I'll be right there beside you, supporting and loving you."
"I know you will," Clarke let out a shuddering breath, "I have to do this."
"Okay, my love," Lexa took her hand in hers, "Whatever you need."
"Thank you," Clarke turned to capture Lexa's lips with hers, "Thank you for understanding."
"Of course I do," Lexa kissed her again, "I may not like it, but I get it."
She clutched onto Lexa's bare shoulder and sighed, "I'm not a big fan of seeing him again, but I think doing this and knowing he will go to prison will give me..." she looked up at Lexa, "us...the closure we need to once and for all put it behind us."
"Okay," Lexa's arms tightened around her and Clarke let her hold her for a minute, figuring Lexa needed it just as much as she did, "Do you want to try and get in the water today?"
Clarke took a deep breath and nodded against Lexa's chest. She really did miss surfing and now that Lexa was here with her, Clarke felt like she'd actually be able to do it, "Yeah."
Lexa stood up first and held out her hand. Clarke grasped it and let Lexa pull her up, "Just let me know if it becomes too much."
"I will," Clarke strapped her ankle strap on and grabbed her board as Lexa did the same. Her mouth watered when Lexa stripped off her tank top and revealed her black bikini top and rock hard abs, "That's a view I will never get tired of."
"Good to know," Lexa winked and took Clarke's free hand in hers.
Clarke walked forward and let the tide wash over her feet before she submerged in the water up to her shins. Taking a deep breath, Clarke laid down on her board on the surface and started to paddle out with Lexa splashing right behind her. It meant more than words could say that Lexa was out here with her. She knew surfing wasn't Lexa's thing, but here she was regardless. It made Clarke stronger.
"I love you," She called over her shoulder, the rising sun glistening off Lexa's sun bronzed skin when she looked back.
"I love you too," Lexa grinned and went over the top of the wave easily. Clarke smiled because Lexa was learning well from the few lessons she had.
As soon as they were out far enough, Clarke straddled her board and looked across the vast ocean. She took a deep, calming breath and felt all her stress melt away when Lexa reached over and grabbed her hand, "You were right."
Clarke leaned her head back towards the clear blue sky and let out a loud bellow. It startled Lexa so much, she tipped off her board into the water. Clarke laughed as Lexa came up spluttering and brushing her wet hair back from her face.
"What the hell was that?" Lexa shook her head as she climbed back on to her board. Clarke was momentarily distracted watching the water drip down Lexa's body. She licked her lips and started to lean forward when Lexa splashed water in her face, "Focus, love."
"It was freeing," Clarke tore her gaze away from her girlfriend's abs, "I wanted to try it. I'm sorry for scaring you."
"You didn't scare me," Lexa protested with her arms crossed.
"So you just fell off because..."
"I leaned too far to the left," Lexa narrowed her eyes, almost daring her to contradict her.
"Whatever you say, babe," Clarke laughed, "But I know the truth," She glanced behind her and saw a set rolling in. "You want to go first?"
"Nope, I'll let you do the honors," Lexa smiled encouragingly at her, "I'm right here." Clarke nodded and started paddling hard, but just at the crest of the wave, she pulled back, unable to do it, "It's okay, love, you'll get the next one."
"What if I can never surf again?" Clarke asked the question she was afraid of the answer.
"First of all, I don't think that will happen, and second of all, you can do this," Lexa smiled, "I believe in you, love."
Lexa's pep talk helped as she turned towards the next set coming in, "I can do this." Clarke stared at the wave and sounded more determined, "I can do this."
"Damn right you can."
Clarke snapped to her feet as she went over the crest, the wind flying through her hair, the sun shining on her back and her heart felt like it was going to explode with happiness. She rode the wave all the way in without any of her tricks. She heard Lexa hooting and hollering so loudly, people on the beach were looking out at her.
She paddled back out to where Lexa was waiting with a big smile on her face, "I did it!"
"You sure did, how did it feel?" Lexa asked.
"Fucking fantastic," Clarke smiled and leaned over to kiss Lexa who tasted like salt water, but it was perfect to her, "Thank you."
"For what?"
"Making me do this."
"I didn't do anything, love," Lexa shook her head, "That was all you, I was just here to encourage you."
"Exactly," Clarke kissed her again before she pulled back so she didn't tip over, "Which was what I needed. A little push because I've missed surfing so much and I feel like everything is falling back into place."
"I think it is," Lexa tangled their legs together under the water.
"I still need to talk to my mom though," Clarke just hadn't found the right time to broach the subject, "And we need to get through this trial."
"We will get through it all, Clarke, together, I promise," Lexa put her hand on her bare thigh and squeezed.
"I know," Clarke smiled, "But for now, I think I want to forget everything and spend a few hours surfing with my girl. That good with you?"
"Sounds perfect."
It really did.
-=-
Lexa slumped down on their couch after another grueling practice. Titus was riding their asses hard as the championship game was coming up soon. She was just happy to get a break in between because the playoffs took a lot out of her. She needed to be in top form when they faced Ontari and her team.
"You good?" Someone spoke up behind her and Lexa was too tired to even turn her head to see who it was.
"I'm just exhausted," Lexa mumbled as she yawned. She looked up when Abby sat down next to her.
"I bet you are," Abby smiled, "I ordered Chinese for dinner if you're hungry."
"Starving," Lexa checked the time on her phone, "But I gotta pick up Clarke from work."
"Don't worry, it won't be here for a half hour or so," Abby laughed, "You have time. As far as I know, it will just be us for dinner."
Lexa racked her brain trying to remember what Anya and Raven's plans were, but couldn't remember if they'd told her.
"Thanks, Abby and thanks again for all the help and support you've given me. It...it means a lot," Lexa wiped a hand across her eyes because it had been so long since she had any sort of mother figure, it took some getting used to.
"It's been my absolute pleasure," Abby sniffled, "I'm just still so grateful Clarke gave me another chance."
"She loves you, Abby."
"I know she does," Abby paused, "Do you think her testifying at the trial is a good idea?"
Lexa's heart clenched in her chest because she'd been thinking the same thing, but she would support whatever Clarke decided, "I think it's Clarke's decision and she said she wants to."
"I still have a hard time wrapping my mind around it being Bell-" Abby stopped when Lexa held up a hand.
"Please don't say his name," Lexa gritted her teeth, "I don't care who he used to be or how good of a guy he was," She clenched her hand into a fist, "He is the person responsible for hurting the woman I love and I hope he rots in prison for the rest of his miserable existence."
Abby nodded, "You're right, I'm sorry. I will of course support both of you."
"Thank you," Lexa released a deep breath and pinched between her eyes at the headache trying to form.
"I actually want to talk to you and Clarke after dinner if that's okay?" Lexa nodded, but she couldn't help but wonder if it was something bad. Her mind started imagining worst case scenarios until Abby put a hand on her leg, "It's nothing bad, I promise."
"Okay," Lexa stretched and stood up when her alarm chirped, "I'll be back soon," She smiled, grabbed her car keys and headed out. The coffee shop was only ten minutes away and she knew Clarke had told her she could walk, but Lexa didn't want her to overdo it on her foot. She had the boot off, but one misstep and all the progress she made would be undone.
Besides, Lexa enjoyed being able to pick up her girlfriend when she had the chance.
She stood outside and leaned against her jeep while she waited for Clarke to finish her shift. A smile spread across her face as Clarke pushed through the door and untucked her black polo shirt from her shorts. Lexa didn't move, not wanting to startle her, so she just stood there patiently until Clarke glanced up and saw her.
"Hey, good lookin, need a ride?" Lexa whistled and received a few looks from pedestrians, but she didn't care.
Clarke giggled and bounded over to her and draped her arms around her, "I would love one, but what are you doing here?" She pressed her lips to hers and Lexa sunk into the kiss, only pulling away when she heard hooting and hollering. Lexa pulled back reluctantly and flipped off a few of her teammates loitering on the sidewalk.
"I wanted to surprise you," She smiled when Clarke buried her face in her chest. "Ignore them," Lexa whispered and stroked a hand down her back, "They're immature assholes."
"I know," Clarke looked up and Lexa couldn't help but run a finger down Clarke's cheek, "I like this surprise by the way."
"Good, I missed you," Lexa kissed her cheek.
"I missed you too," Clarke smiled, "How was practice?"
"Grueling," Lexa put a hand over her mouth to cover when she yawned, "Thank god, I don't have practice tomorrow. How was work, love?"
"Busy," Clarke connected their lips again in a too brief kiss, "I'm starving."
"Me too. Abby ordered Chinese for dinner," She opened the door for Clarke to climb in. Once Clarke was settled, Lexa got in, "She wants to talk to us after dinner too."
"Did she say what about?" Clarke furrowed her brow and Lexa was quick to take Clarke's hand and brush her lips across her knuckles.
"No, but she said it was nothing bad," Lexa reassured her, hating to see the look of panic cross her love's face. Clarke had been doing a lot better since going to therapy. She hadn't woken up screaming from a nightmare in a while, even though some nights still wreaked havoc on her and Lexa found herself holding Clarke and helping her banish the bad dream away.
She never minded because all she wanted to do was help Clarke. Lexa knew with everyone's love and support, Clarke would get better over time as would she. Sometimes she forgot that she had her own issues, but Clarke always gently reminded her and was there for her as much as she was for her.
Clarke liked to tell her it was a two way street and Lexa loved her even more for that.
"Okay," Clarke still looked unsure and Lexa hated it. She knew Clarke was going to worry until they talked to Abby. Maybe she shouldn't have mentioned it, but she didn't want Clarke to be blindsided when they walked in the door.
"I'll be right by your side, love, I promise," Lexa had thought about what Abby had said all the way home and when they walked in the house, she had an inkling on what it would be about.
She couldn't wait to see Clarke's expression to see if she was right.
-=-
All throughout dinner, Clarke was a nervous wreck. She couldn't stop fidgeting and barely at anything even though her stomach was growling. Lexa kept shooting her concerned glances and held her hand, but it did little to calm her. She couldn't stop wondering what her mom wanted to talk about.
Abby sat across from them with a smile on her face and made small talk, but Clarke was used to her mom's tells. The tap of the finger on her water glass, the set of her shoulders, the curve of her mouth when she had something more to say. She was nervous too.
Finally, she had enough, "What did you want to talk about, mom?"
"I was wondering how long it would take you to ask," Abby smiled, "You were never one to be patient when you wanted to know something, even as a kid. You are a lot like Jake in that regards."
Clarke felt a swooping in her stomach at the mention of her dad, "I am?" She couldn't help but ask because her mom rarely talked about him.
"Very much so," Abby wiped her mouth with her napkin, "I wanted to talk to you about your house."
Dread filled her stomach, unsure where her mom was going with this. She felt Lexa's arm around her shoulders.
"Think positive," Lexa whispered in her ear.
She nodded even though it was easier said than done.
"What about it?"
"I think we should sell it," Abby paused, "If that's something you want to do."
Clarke wasn't sure what to say as she looked between her mom and Lexa, "it is," She swallowed thickly, "I just don't think I can live there anymore. I wanted to talk to you about it, but wasn't sure how you'd take it."
"Honey, what matters to me is your happiness and well being. The house is just a house. You are far more important," Abby's mouth turned down in a frown for a moment, "But I can understand your hesitation. I've let you down in the past, so I know it will take time for you to trust me again."
"I do trust you, mom," Clarke said without thinking and found that she meant it. Ever since her mom had been back in the picture, she'd done everything she could to be there for both her and Lexa, not to mention for her friends as well. Clearing her throat, "So it's decided, we're going to sell the house?"
"Yes," Abby nodded, "I'll hire movers and get the house ready to be put on the market, "The money from the sale, I want you to have."
Clarke was speechless, knowing how much a beach house in Hawaii went for. She looked at Lexa who had dropped her jaw in surprise. That would be a lot of money and she could quit her job and just focus on finishing her degree and surfing, "Are you serious?" She blurted out which had her mom laughing.
"Very," Abby smiled and reached across the table, Clarke took her mother's hand, "I do recommend putting most of it in a trust, but yes all yours."
"I don't know what to say," Clarke shook her head, "Why though?"
"Because I should have supported your dreams from the very beginning instead of shoving mine at you. It's what your father would have done and I want you to be able to focus on what makes you happy without having to worry. Both of you," Abby turned to look at Lexa who still hadn't said a word, "Lexa, you're part of this family now, so this goes for you too, okay?"
"Okay," Lexa squeaked out as she gripped Clarke's hand even tighter, "Thank you, Abby."
"My pleasure, really," Abby smiled and looked back at her, "Clarke?"
"I'll accept on one condition," Clarke locked eyes with her mother, "You promise to stick around and be in our lives. No more disappearing."
"I promise," Clarke saw her mom wipe the tears from her eyes, "Okay, now that's settled, we still have the issue of where you're going to live," Clarke held her breath because she thought the arrangement they had now was working, but maybe she was wrong, "I bought a condo that's close to the hospital and if you want, this house will yours, Clarke. Yours and Lexa's."
"Oh my god!" Clarke jumped up, a weight falling off her shoulders and she rounded the table and threw herself in her mom's arms, "Thank you, thank you, thank you," She loved this house and it had quickly became home. She felt like this house was a new beginning for her and Lexa even though neither of them had officially asked the other to move in.
It had been implied, but Clarke knew she needed to remedy that soon.
Abby chuckled, "I take it you like the idea?" Clarke nodded against her mom's shoulder as tears fell down her cheeks and soaked her mom's shirt. Her mom tightened her hold and Clarke realized she had missed her mother more than she let on. She'd been on guard, unable to fully trust that Abby would stick around.
Now, she didn't have to worry anymore.
"I love you, mom," Clarke choked out between sobs.
"I love you too, sweetie, more than you could possibly know," Abby held her tightly and Clarke lost track of how long they stayed like that. When she pulled back and looked over at Lexa, she smiled. Lexa was sitting there watching them with tears in her eyes and a happy smile on her face, "Lexa, is that okay with you?"
Lexa nodded, "Thank you, Abby. It's too much, but I know you won't let me turn it down, so thank you."
"You're right about that," Abby stood up and started clearing the table, "Why don't you two go relax, I'll take care of the dishes."
"Are you sure?"
"Mom, we can..."
"Nope, I'm good," Abby turned away and Clarke realized her mom needed some time to compose herself again.
"Okay, mom," Clarke grabbed Lexa's hand and pulled her towards their bedroom. Lexa tried to protest, but Clarke ignored her until they were behind closed doors. Before Lexa could speak, Clarke captured her lips in a deep, probing kiss. She slanted their mouths together, their tongues danced as their hands roamed. She pulled back from the kiss and leaned her forehead against Lexa's and took a large gulp of air.
"Are you okay with all of this?" Lexa breathed out as she pressed a tender kiss to her lips.
"I am, actually, it's a relief knowing I won't have to go back to that house and this house has quickly started to feel like home," Clarke paused and looked up at her, "Our home."
Lexa's eyes sparkled as she looked up at her, "It really does."
Clarke licked her lips, "Will you move in with me? Here I mean..." She wrung her hands together nervously in front of her.
"I thought I already did," Lexa teased with a smile.
Clarke smacked her shoulder, "Baby..."
Lexa laughed, "Of course, I would love nothing more than to live here with you officially."
"Much better answer," Clarke wrapped her arms around her and kissed her again, "Now we need to break it to Anya and Raven."
"They'll be fine, Anya has been talking about asking Raven to move in with her actually."
"Really, in your apartment or..." Clarke trailed off when Lexa shook her head.
"No, a new apartment," Lexa gripped her hips, "Fresh start all the way around for everyone according to Anya. Besides, she knows we won't feel comfortable visiting there so..."
"That's uncharacteristically sweet of her," Clarke was touched that Anya would give up the apartment that easily, "Well they can stay here until they find a place."
"I know, I was shocked too," Lexa giggled, "She smacked me hard when I laughed at her."
"Awe poor baby," Clarke cooed, "Where did she hit you?" Her eyes sparked mischievously as she looked at Lexa.
"Here," Lexa pointed to her left arm. Clarke pressed a lingering kiss to the spot.
"Anywhere else," Clarke husked.
Lexa nodded and pointed to her other arm. Clarke kissed it when Lexa pointed to her neck. She smiled as she nipped at Lexa's pulse point. Finally Lexa pressed a finger to her lips that Clarke wasted no time in capturing as she Lexa lead her backwards to their bed.
She fell back with a smile on her face and with Lexa on top of her. Today ended up being a good day and if Clarke had her way, every day after would be as well.
Now all she had to do was get through the trial.