" Sook… Top is not home. He is not at his apartment, nor at any of the other flats. I have asked everyone… I can't find him anywhere. " A panicked Kong called Sook in the middle of the night. It took Sook, who had just woken up from sleep, almost 5 minutes to make sense of Kong's words.
" When was the last time you saw him ? " Sook asked. It hadn't been first instance of Top suddenly disappearing, but it was definitely first in last three years.
" Three hours ago. " Kong supplied, looking at the sleeping figure of Arthit through the corner of his eyes. " I need to find him before Arthit knows of his disappearance. It can trigger his seizure and Top , he…. he —" Kong swallowed, his voice shook badly, tears pooled in his eyes. His brain was already in overdrive, wiping the beads of sweat collected on his forehead, he pinched the nose of the bridge.
" Kong … I will find Top" Sook promised but it didn't provide even a tiny bit of relief to Kong "Don't worry. I promise, nothing will happen to him. "
" He can… like that child …." Kong couldn't bring himself to say the words out loud. After Top had been diagnosed with reactive attachment disorder , he had been reading everything he could find on the subject. First case was of an adopted girl who comitted suicide, her parents later came to know their daughter suffering of RAD. There were many such cases, it had shocked Kong to the extent he was fearing letting Top be around even the butterknife.
After protecting the child like treasure, it was he — himself who pushed his son to pits of rejection. What if Top ?
No….
He will never be able to forgive himself if anything happens to Top. He should have listened to Arthit who had been asking him to cut Top some slack. If the child was saying sorry again and again, he should have listened but he didn't. He was blinded by the agony of Arthit. Arthit who didn't even think Top was at fault.
" You see Kong , it is our experiences that shape our thoughts. He doesn't look the same as we do, he doesn't think the same as we do. It's hard for him to let his trauma go, it had been subconsciously branded his brain. But, he is trying … it's our duty to encourage him on the right path he is finally deviating to. We have waited long for Top to come to us, Kong. Now that he is finally accepting us, himself. Do you think it will be right if we close our doors in his face ? "
The words of Top's psychiatrist ran through his head " They don't see the world like us, Khun Suthiluck. Their brain, for a lack of a better word, is rewired to not trust an adult, especially in an authoritative and caregiving position. Your patience will be tested to its limits. Be prepared. "
He thought he was , until he realised he wasn't strong enough to wait forever. Thread of his patience had almost tethered ….
Phone was long hung up… Kong was staring blankly at the wall. Images of convulsing Arthit, his son fading into the dark — wreaked havoc in his mind but on the surface he was calm — just like the ocean.
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" P'Top. " He had heard Mike long before Nong ever reached him. Dusting his pants, he threw a last look to the first lights of dawn. Ofcourse, Mike was the one to find him, no surprises there. He somehow always knows his go to places.
" What are you doing here ? '' Top asked which younger just glared " It should be us asking you the question ? People have been searching you like crazy since midnight and you are chilling here ? "
" Searching for me ? " Top asked surprised.
Mike stared at him as if Top had just asked a nonsensical question like —If Sun rises from the east ?
" Yeah, searching for you. Because you thought it would be cool to sneak out of the house at midnight, without telling anyone . Are you a teenager to do this sort of stupid thing ? Couldn't you let someone know of your whereabouts ? Don't you know, before retiring for the night,uncle Kong checks on you and your sisters ? He was freaked out when he found your bed empty and you nowhere in sight. Even your cell was switched off. "
" That, I — " Mike cut him off
" I don't want to hear your reasons, tell them to uncle Kong. I'm here to bring your ass back home. Uncle Kong is worried out of his wits. Come on…" Mike marched ahead but stopped when he didn't hear Top following him.
Cursing some choice words under his breath, he took out his mobile and texted his uncle and his dad — ' I found him. '
Mike really wanted to sleep. Panicked, trying his hard to focus on the roads while his brain conjured gory possinilities and driving constantly from one end of the city to other, searching for Top since last four hours had definitely taken a toll of him. No matter how much he had talked himself in to giving up he knows he can never forget Top, not when he was always around him — stuck in his heart. But, he will definitely not express his love now or ever... His Por is right —'Him and Top can never happen '
" Come on '' Mike threw the keys of the car, " You drive, I will sleep in the back. "
" No." Top remained frozen at his spot "I'm not going back. "
" Fine. " Mike scoffed, instantly lying down on the sand. " Wake me up when you get to your senses. " Saying that , the tired youngster closed his eyes. Top sat beside him staring at the horizon. He didn't really think his por would still check on him, he hated him,right ?
He didn't really think his por at all would be worried, or anyone else for the matter. It should be more along the lines of ' good riddance'. Because, he was supposed to be unwanted and now hated .
But it wasn't the fact and it confused him to no end.
After an hour, Mike opened his eyes, yawning, he checked the watch and was surprised to see Top still sitting adamantly. His escape tantrums never really lasted this long. Mike knows Top craved attention and love but was also afraid of attachment, even more of betrayals. Top had his ways of responding to affection that were way out of normal person's understanding.
" P'Top" Mike sat up and nudged Top with his elbow.
" Huh ? " The older boy turned to him, blinking repeatedly, trying to see clearly through tear pooled eyes.
" Here " Mike offered his handkerchief " What's the matter ? "
" I moved out of the house " without telling anyone. Top replied.
It was Top's way of saying he regrets to have so easily given up on his family.
Mike let Top speak his heart out , it was rare for this laconic person to want to speak.
" Por thinks it's my fault. It is the media's fault too. No one understands. The underage driving incident — I was fully at fault,but this one — I didn't know it would blow up this bad and Papa's accident. I really didn't want any of it to happen but no one trusts me — " Top kept repeating the same thing in different choices of words, almost for half an hour. Mike was listening to the rant but his eyes were focused on the words Top carved near his feet ' I am alone. '
" You know what is your biggest mistake that you commit repeatedly, P'Top ? " Mike asked.
Top turned his questioning gaze on his nong.
" To think that you are alone." Mike replied. " Because you are not. You have Uncle Arth, Uncle Kong, Mali,Mili and " Mike paused, leaving out the 'me' he was about to spill.
" Us. I don't know about your life in an orphanage . But, since the day you came to live with us, you always had all of us. But, you did not want us, you kept pushing us away, especially your Por and Papa. I know you have your scars from orphanage but you haven't learned to differentiate between your tormentors and us.
You know, you used to be angry, even got in trouble for yelling back at the teacher for scolding us because of absent students. You always thought it was so wrong to punish someone for the mistakes they never committed. But, you didn't realise you were doing the same thing. Aren't you punishing your Por and Papa and all of us who love you, for the wrongdoings others committed against you ? "
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Mike was snoring in the backseat of the car while Top took charge of the steering wheels.
Journey back to home was silent ,at least at the surface, because Top's mind was a chaos. He was fighting within himself . While at one hand he wanted to believe in the love of his parents for him, the other part of his brain constantly warned him of attachments.
He was constantly fighting to keep himself firm at the boundary of the black hole that is his mind — the pit of distrust pulled him strong but force of love always pulled him back — at least to the surface and he kept dancing around the boundary, fearing every moment to be his last fall— the fall that will make him unredeemable.
Looking at his house, he had a contrasting feeling — he was afraid as well as happy. Seeing his por waiting at the gate, suddenly looking ten years older than he was in one single night — he didn't need any proof of how much his parents loved him and will never let him go — not from their end.
When his father ran to him and hugged him tight, he habitually stiffened for a moment — his natural instinct to push him away kicking in, but he held on, relaxed in the hug. He gathered courage to say
" I am really sorry Por and I mean it. I am ready to apologize for years if it will take you that long to believe me." It felt good to accept his mistake and take responsibility for his actions although a part of his brain still trembled in fear.
He wasn't suddenly all better, a part of his brain still mocked him for taking full responsibility for something which was media and nosy people's idiocy. But he was able to shut that part down because he knew it was him whose father raised him well, taught to differentiate good from bad — not media. He was expected to do good things, apologize and correct his actions when he did wrong, because it is the way of life and also because he was their family.
In the rarest moment of expression, he wrapped his arms around his father's back, returned the hug — something that he had not done more than two times in whole nine years with Rojanapat and Suthiluck couple.
" I am sorry, Top. I believe you. I do.,. " His dad was mumbling but he knew he had a lot to prove. Words were not enough, he needed his actions to compliment them.
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Arthit had been little — correction, a lot worried about Top. Kong has been constantly rejecting Top's apology and he feared it would de-accelerate Top's recovery. Although Kong's rejection didn't stop Top from visiting him at hospital, he is too stubborn to be stopped from doing something he really wanted to.
Arthit knows Top has been disguising as a ward boy to see him. He is an actor himself, he has to observe, analyse and reenact various characters, it has become an inherent skill to pick up the familiarity in seemingly unknown characters. And what actor would he be if he doesn't recognise his own son just because of a little moustache and changed clothes ?
But he had kept silent about his discovery for two reasons.
1. It showed Top loves them in his own way.
2. Revelation could push Kong into lashing out which would further push Top away from them.
Kong isn't one to be easily angered but when he does, it isn't easy to calm him down.Seeing the foundation of their family cracking,his Kong was shaken from the core and his pain has taken the form of anger. Media had gotten a piece of Kong's mind, Arthit had heard people talking in the hospital that netizens were now trending #ApologizetoArthit. He had found this situation humorous — it was like pot calling a kettle black. Whatever was the cause but media circus had almost stopped and no media personnel were daring to walk in one mile radius of Arthit's family — all because of his lion, his husband Kong.
Arthit had been trying his best but he knew it would take some more time for Kong to calm down .
Imagine his surprise when he finds Top in his room with a plate of pancakes, 'I am sorry Papa ' was written along the edge of the plate.
Both Kong and Top were smiling and Arthit stared at them with a confused pikachu face. He is definitely dreaming, isn't he ?
It was more surprising to hear a direct apology from Top.
" I'm sorry Papa. " he still couldn't believe those words. He feared with all the sudden surprises, his eyeballs would fall off the sockets.
" Arthit, say something … " Kong nudged.
Instead of saying anything, Arthit pinched Kong who shot up on his leg.
" Arthit, I hate this habit of yours." Kong glared " Why don't you pinch yourself ? "
" Sorry. " Arthit smiled sheepishly, staring astonished at his son who was smiling at his parents' silliness.
Their life wasn't a phenomenal picture of perfection. It was regular like any other household, filled with problems, anger, yelling,bickering, sibling fights, argument ,laughter and lots of love that kept them bound to each other.
Arthit knows no matter how many dusk they will see, there will always be rays of sunshine the next day. Kong's b'day didn't go as he had planned, it bothered him, he had prepared many surprises but seeing the love, satisfaction shining in Kong's eyes and the broad smile his lips sported right now — he knew he wouldn't have it any other way.
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After serving pancakes to his father,Top returned to the kitchen to take another plate to Mali.
The eighteen year old just gave him a blank stare, purposely ignoring his sorry message, so Top decides to speak up.
" I'm sorry. " To which he got an answer
" Pancakes are supposed to be round."
Top could only smile awkwardly " I'm sorry I guess. "
Mali didn't grace it with reply, instead she picked up the fork to dig in.
Well yeah, he wasn't an expressive person so wasn't his sister . He left her to enjoy her breakfast and headed towards the youngest and most mischievous family member.
Five movie nights and Two boxes of chocolates were his punishment.
He was amazed at how easily he was forgiven and embraced as soon as he dared to open his heart.
He has read somewhere… 'Mental illness becomes mental wellness when 'I' is replaced with 'We'. '
Since the day he was made aware of his 'RAD', he was fearing yet waiting to see hatred in everyone's eyes but it never came. Now he realised why. His family has been always trying to replace 'I' with 'we', it was he — who was holding back, refusing to return their hug.
He has always thought ' this couldn't be his family' , because they weren't related by blood, he thought parents adopt children to fill a gap in their lives — that he was adopted because papa Arthit pitied him. But, they had made him realise family isn't always defined by blood relations; it is defined by love.
Now that he is trying to see things differently, trying to understand another's perspective , their feelings. He had realised, he had always only recieved love and never returned it. Now, when he sees his Por and Papa, he still sees the love , he still wants it in his life but as the days passed, he wants to love someone like his papa and por loved each other; rather than wanting someone to love him unconditionally.
Love, commitment, caring , sharing and patience is what makes a family — not the last name and blood relation.
❤️❤️❤️ THE END❤️❤️❤️
A/N : your thoughts ?
1.First of all a big big big Thank you and bear hug to dear payelkarmakar1 for helping me so much with this story, discussing with me and hearing me rant on and on about choosing a story more mature than my maturity level.
2. I'm sorry to all of you to make you go back to read revised updates. As I researched more on the Topic of Reactive attachment disorder, I realized I needed to add more details.
That's why republishing of first two chapters.
3. Hope you like the tale. After writing it half way I realized I picked up a plot that would need a whole story to explore properly. Also it needs a higher level of maturity than I have.
I have tried to do my best in constraint of word limit.
4. Don't delete the story from your libraries yet, I will publish a special chapter soon. ( In a week 😅) .
5. This story was meant to be cute , fluffy one shot which turned to two shot and later to a short story. Looks like I really can't write a oneshot 😂... My stories somehow become elastic — stretching more than I want them to.
6. I've tried to paint as realistic portrait as I can, I apologise for the mistakes in the story.
7. I've been constantly writing , researching, deleting and rewriting drafts for this story. I'm drained 😅... I don't think I will not write for two three days now ...so — A week for special chapter.
8. I hope I have done justice to the characters. I would really like to know your thoughts and feedback 😊.