Trigger Warning
"When every ship is going down
I don't fear nothing when I hear you say
It's gonna be okay."
Song: Ok ~ Robin Schulz ft James Blunt
***
22. Only Strong Hearts Hope
"Hey, what happened?" Austin asked me. "Did you have an attack?"
"Nope," I answered, breathing deeply. "At least I haven't yet."
"I'm sorry, if I had known I-"
I stopped Liam from going further. "Not your fault. Could have been any time and any place."
He nodded. "We should probably get going though."
Renée took his hand and smiled at him. "Thanks for today."
His solemn expression was replaced with a smug smile. "I just knew you find me irresistible."
She scoffed and let him go, walking away.
"Renée! Baby!" he called after her.
I managed to laugh at how cute he was.
We went back to the ranch and I went to the bedroom Renée and I were occupying. She was off flirting with Liam...again...and so I just sat down on my bed, alone.
Under normal circumstances I wouldn't hesitate to pop a pill or two after a day like this, but I guess being better actually meant doing better.
I sat for a while, and then there was a knock at the door. I got up to open it, hoping it was Jacob.
It wasn't.
"Tess, hey," I said, allowing her to come in. "Are you okay?"
"Better," she chuckled. "I'm sorry for freaking out like that, I probably freaked the hell out of you too."
I shook my head. "Don't apologize, please. I of all people know it's not exactly something that's easy to control."
"I wanted to explain," she said.
"You don't have to," I told her.
She shrugged. "I know I don't, but it's nice talking to someone who understands what it's like to live with..."
"Issues?" I suggested with a lighthearted laugh. "Sit, get it off your chest."
We sat on the bed and she let out a breath.
"I told you when you first got here that I moved away" she began. "But before that, I was happy. My parents had their problems, but I was happy. I had my best friend...Carly Fisher."
"C.F.," I commented, remembering Jacob's tattoo.
She nodded. "We were the closest group. Jacob, me, Carly, and Carly's sister, Cathy. We grew up together. Jacob and Cathy were older but we all still got along really well. Carly and I, we were two peas in a pod, yin and yang, whatever you call it. I even had this stupid crush on her."
I chuckled.
Tess shrugged. "I knew she wasn't into girls, but I was fine with that. As long as we were friends, I was okay. We were out...one night...just walking, chatting, having stupid fun. Before I knew it a van pulled up and everything went dark."
I listened attentively in horror.
"I don't know where I was, all I know is that it was a tiny room with nothing but a door and a vent."
"Whoever took you didn't like...hurt you did they?" I asked, concerned.
She shook her head. "No. I don't know why the hell we were there. Maybe they asked for a ransom, or they were freaking human traffickers...who the hell knows? One night all I heard was noise...and then gunshots...and then I heard Carly scream."
And I thought I had trauma. How this girl was still sane, I didn't know.
"She got caught in the crossfire when the police found us. They told me that the bullet pierced her lung and caused massive internal bleeding," Tess continued, her voice getting softer. "They also said that we were in there for three days...but that felt like a lifetime. In that small, closed off, suffocating space."
"And that's how your claustrophobia started," I said.
She nodded. "Every time I'm in a small space it takes me back there. I did everything I could to move on...including moving away to another country. I felt bad...for leaving Jacob to figure out stuff with our parents but..."
"You needed to get away from it all," I said. "I understand."
We stayed silent, sitting for a few seconds before I spoke.
"Thank you for trusting me."
"Thank you for listening," she chuckled softly. "I don't talk about it...I can't talk about it."
I squeezed her hand. "Well you just did. That says a lot."
She sighed and then stood up. "I need to sleep now. It's been a...long day."
"A Liam day," I laughed.
When she got to the door, she paused. "You should know, Jacob's lucky to have you."
"We're not...um well it's complicated...I..."
She chuckled. "I know, I know. I'm just saying so because it's true."
I smiled at her and she laughed softly before closing the door behind her.
If we only knew the shit people dealt with on the inside.
I soaked in the conversation and lay back on my bed, falling asleep soon after.
***
When I opened my eyes, the room was dark and I was still in the clothes I wore earlier. I checked my time and saw it was well past midnight. Sighing, I lifted my feet off the bed and stood up. I knew I wasn't going to fall back asleep soon, and Jacob was probably awake too since he wasn't with me.
I stepped out to the patio and found him sitting down, reading a book.
When he noticed my presence he looked up and put it away. "Hey."
"You know you don't have to read yourself to sleep right?" I joked. "The other half of my bed is always available."
He chuckled. "I wasn't trying to fall asleep."
I sat down beside him. "Tess told me her story. She's..."
"Brave? Strong?" he suggested with a small smile. "I know."
"Yeah," I agreed in a whisper.
"Have you sorted things out with Khalan?"
I groaned internally. "No, I don't even know how to."
He leaned close to me. "How about you just talk?"
I noticed his sarcasm and shoved his shoulder lightly, causing him to laugh.
I sighed. "How did I get here?"
"Well you might not know how you got here, but you've got to know how to keep going Shayley," he told me.
I rested my head on his shoulder and he put his arm around me.
"I'm lucky to have you Jacob. You know I realize that right?" I asked him. "I don't take you for granted."
"I never thought you did," he chuckled.
"I know, I just...you've told me exactly how you feel and I'm still spinning you in circles."
"You have things to deal with that are bigger than me," he said. "You have nothing to apologize for."
"I'm terrified," I admitted. "I hurt people Jacob, it's what I do. You'll be no different."
"Honestly Shayley? I don't think you will," he told me. "And even if you do I'd still regret nothing. Let me worry about my own heartbreak alright?"
Why didn't he want to understand? Had he not seen it with the people around me? My own best friend couldn't even look me in the eye. He was willing to risk it all for me and I wasn't even worth it.
I didn't deserve him, and I wasn't going to allow myself to have him just so life could take him away from me, like it's taken other good things.
Despite the fact that I thought that, I still couldn't deny the voice in my mind telling me to go for it, and that this time things might work out for me. But I couldn't bring myself to accept it either. That voice was hope. Contrary to what people said, hope wasn't for the weak. In fact, hope was a hard thing to do. Thinking that everything would turn out alright wasn't easy, especially when it might very well be the opposite. Only strong hearts hope.
And when it came to this, I don't think my heart was exactly strong enough.
******
The next few days were...great.
I still hadn't really spoken to Khalan. We were cordial with each other, making small talk here and there, but that only happened when the others were around. I hadn't talked to her alone, but I wasn't in a rush either. It could really just all blow up in my face.
So optimistic right?
No, the next couple of days were bearable because for the first time I actually felt like I could get clean and I wasn't going to die while at it. After my relapse that night I hadn't taken anymore drugs. Well, Jessica kept my actual medication so I didn't abuse it like I normally would. Until I found another way to cope with my anxiety and depression I'd have to stay on the pills. Other than that though, I gradually took less and less to help with my withdrawal, and then basically nothing at all.
I could do this...right? I mean, I had help. And I actually felt like I was going to be okay.
I was sitting in the kitchen with Austin when Khalan walked in. He nudged me, telling me to talk to her. I glared at him and shook my head.
"You're both being stubborn, so I'm going to leave and let your awkward conversation finally happen," he announced.
"Fuck you," I said with a sarcastic smile.
He only winked and left.
I looked at Khalan, who was still ignoring my presence and rolled my eyes. "Let's take a walk."
"A walk?" she questioned.
"Well we have to be doing something," I said. "You won't even look at me."
She sighed. "Okay, let's go."
I nodded and got up, and we both strolled in silence.
Well, it was awkward alright.
She surprised me by being the first to speak. "You're my best friend Shayley, and nothing we both say will ever change that."
"I'll admit...I haven't exactly been a best friend to you," I said.
"I said some pretty harsh things too you know," she admitted. "That's why I couldn't face you, not because of anything you did."
"Harsh, but all true," I pointed out. "You weren't wrong, I pushed everyone away...including Charlie. You were never wrong for stating things as they were."
She chuckled. "I was wrong for calling you a bitch. You haven't had it easy, in fact you deserve to be a bitch."
I shook my head. "No, I don't. I'm not the only one who's gone through shit Khalan, it's not an excuse to be a bitch."
"Are we overusing the word bitch?" she thought.
I shrugged. "You brought it up."
"And you keep saying it."
"Bitch," I said again.
"Bitch."
"Bitch."
I laughed. "God I've missed you. And I'm not just talking about this miserable past week."
"I wouldn't say it was miserable," she chuckled. "You're doing a pretty good job staying sober."
I smiled. "I have you guys don't I?"
She nodded. "Yeah."
"Sorry for saying you were just looking for attention, I didn't mean it," I apologized.
"Sorry for using your past against you," she said.
I chuckled. "Is this the part where we kiss?"
"No, you can save that for Jacob," she smirked.
I blushed. "Shut up."
She laughed. "It is the part where we all just move forward and we all get our friend back."
"I love this part," I joked. "And hey, this time I think I can actually pull the whole sobriety thing off."
"Oh you can," she agreed. "And you will."
How did the people around me have more faith in me than I had in myself?
I saw the diner in the distance and thought about Cameron. We hadn't been to the diner in a while, and I missed him. "Hey, do you mind taking a quick detour? Just so I can go see Cameron."
"Cameron," she echoed. "Yet another suitor, fair lady?"
I chuckled. "No, it's not like that, not anymore at least. He said to sort myself out that's all. And now that I feel like I kind of have, I can give myself an excuse to worry about him."
"Alright then," she said, linking arms with me. "Let's go."
We talked on the way and I loved having things going back to normal. When we got to the diner though, I realized it was closed.
"Huh, weird," Khalan remarked. "Did Cameron say anything about not working?"
I shook my head. "No, but he lives upstairs so he's probably here."
"He lives upstairs?" she questioned. "That's...convenient."
"Right?" I chuckled. "Come on."
I led her through the back door his uncle showed me that other night and thankfully it was open. When we stepped in, I heard something fall. Instead of going up the stairs we went towards the kitchen and then out to where the tables and chairs were.
"Anthony?" I called. He was picking up a chair that probably fell from his hands, attempting to put it back over the table.
He turned. "Oh...hello."
"Are you going out of business or what?" I asked. "I thought this place was popular in town."
"I'm uh...I'm closing...for a little while," he explained.
I frowned. "Why? Where's Cameron?"
I noticed his hands were shaking slightly.
"Oh God," he gasped. "Of course...you don't know..."
I was getting scared. "Don't know what? Anthony, where is Cameron?"
I slipped my arm out of Khalan's and took a few more steps towards him.
He leaned forward of the table and used his arms to support himself as his shoulders began to shake. "I'm sorry...Cam...he...he..."
I shook my head. "No. Don't tell me what I think this is Anthony. Where...is...Cameron?"
The stream of tears that began to flow down his cheeks solidified the situation and told me all I needed to know.
"Cameron...he com...it was a suicide I never saw coming," he sobbed. "I found him this morning. I swear I never thought...oh God...my boy."
As he broke down in tears, my whole world was crashing down in the worst way possible. I trembled, not fighting my own tears. How? Cameron was...better...he was doing so much better than me. He wasn't failing at life like I was.
How? Why?
I knew it was too good to be true. I knew it wasn't normal for me to actually be happy, but I was. For the first time in a long time I actually looked at life like it wasn't out to get me.
I was wrong.
"The world doesn't hate you Shayley."
Bullshit. Yes, yes it does. I was grateful things were turning out alright and the world literally said, "you thought, bitch." This world was twisted, and fucked up in the worst way possible. It took more than it gave and wasn't ashamed of it
And Cameron...poor Cameron...had been victimized by it too. It didn't make sense.
Nothing made sense anymore.
"Shayley," I heard Khalan say.
I looked at her through my blurred vision, realizing that I was having an anxiety attack...or a panic attack...whatever this was.
I started to gasp for air as I fell to the ground.
"Shayley," she begged. "Please, it'll be okay I promise. You'll be okay. Please just breathe for me."
She was crying too, I could tell from how her voice cracked as she spoke.
Cameron is dead.
Cameron is dead.
He committed suicide, and now he's dead.
So no Khalan, I can't. I can't breathe for you.
I can't even breathe for myself.
A/N
Arrrghhhh!!!!! I'm so sorry guys :( ...I swear my heart broke too when I wrote the end of this chapter. We'll see Shayley's aftermath of all this. It's going to be well...not easy...so brace yourselves.
The National Suicide Prevention Hotline is 1-800-237-8255. If anyone is battling this, I hope and pray that you stay strong and know that your life is worth something.
- amani