i haven't written one of these in a while so uh why not-
hi jully 👁👄👁
LAURENS207
***
John: *talking to Koda*
John: Look at you, all you do is sleep and eat all day-
John: Ah I wish I could do that-
John: ...oh wait-
***
John: Let's make a pact, if we're both still single at 35 we marry each other, deal?
Alex: John we've been married for years now-
John : So is that a yes or a no-
***
Alex: *yelling*
Angie: Would you stop yelling at me? It's your fault too you know-
Alex: Please explain how it's MY fault that YOU got us permanently kicked out of Costco-
Angie: Well you didn't stop me-
***
Alex: *sees John laying down with his arms over his chest*
Alex: Are you sleeping-
John: No I'm rehearsing for my funeral-
***
John, crying: Guys look at this cute puppy I found, I went outside and he was just there smiling and being so sweet. Look how big his eyes are, it's the most adorable thing I've ever seen-
Philip: But Dad-
Philip: That's not a dog that's just Papa-
***
John: Why shouldn't you put your toaster in your bathtub?
Alex: Because if it's plugged in the electricity running through it will conduct over to the water which can kill you if you're touching it-
Philip: No it's because your toast will get soggy-
***
Philip: Did you know that Joe and Danny DeVito are making a movie together?
John: Who's Danny DeVito?
Philip: Joe mama-
Philip:
Philip: Wait no-
***
Alex: John has been banned from the kitchen-
Alex: If you see him in there please take him out-
Eleanor: What did he even do?
Alex: It was only after he put sugar instead of salt and apples instead of tomatoes that I decided he shouldn't be in there. He also burned the bottom of the pan-
Eleanor: That doesn't even sound that ba-
Alex: He was trying to make a sandwich-
***
John: Hey Alex are you asleep-
Alex, sarcastically: Yes-
John, totally serious: Oh ok let me know when you wake up I got to tell you something-
***
John: Hey guys, did anything happen while I was gone-
Philip: *thinking of all the bad stuff he did*
Philip, panicking: You were gone?
***
John: Milk goes before the cereal, obviously-
Alex: I beg to differ-
John: Then BEG-
***
John: Hey Lex come look! I'm on tv!
Alex: Wait really? What for? Hold on I'm comin-
Alex:
Alex: John it says you're wanted for stealing mac and cheese boxes from Walmart-
John, trying to hide his newly made bowl of mac and cheese: So? What's your point-
***
Alex, pointing at a stack of papers: John what's this?Why's it so big?
John: Oh that's just the entire bee movie script, I wrote it all by hand-
Alex: So you have enough time to write the entire bee movie script but not enough time to do the dishes-
John, looking guilty: Yeah but you see, this was important-
***
Philip: Hey Dad, can we go to the movies again tomorrow, there's this new movie and I want to go watch it-
John: Ah I see what's going on here, you want to hang out with me don't you? I always knew I was the cooler parent-
Philip: Well the movie is rated R, so I kinda need you-
***
John: *opens the refrigerator door*
John: *takes out an empty milk carton*
John: Who keeps putting back empty cartons? Just throw them away it's not that hard-
John: *proceeds to put back the milk carton and walk away*
***
John, to Philip and Frances: I know you two snuck out last night-
Philip: What really? No you c-
Philip, pointing at nothing: Oh wow, is that a three legged chicken? Hold on better go check that out-
Philip: *leaves room*
John, looking directly at Frances: Just tell me where you went and why and I'll let you go-
Frances, shifting in her seat: You know I think I'll go check out that chicken-
***
[Alex and John trying to turn the lights back on after the power goes out]
Alex: Stay here, I'll flip some switches to see if it does anything-
*after a while*
Alex: Are they on yet-
John: I don't know it's too dark to tell-
***
John: *tucking Timmy into bed*
Timmy: Dada can you close the the closet door? I'm scared of the monsters-
John: What makes you think monsters can't open doors?
*later*
Timmy: *sleeping in Alex and John's bed*
Alex, sarcastically: Great job Jonathan-
***
Tour guide: *showing the family around the hiking trail*
Angie: *points near a tree*
Angie: Isn't that poison ivy?
Tour guide: Yes, you can identify poison ivy by counting the leaves. If there's three, don't touch it-
John: *reaches out and touches the poison ivy*
Alex: John what are you doing? He just said don't touch that!
John: He said not to touch it if it had three, so I'm taking one off. Now it's two-
Alex:
Philip: Well he's not wrong-
***
Alex: Angie you haven't touched your food-
Angie: I touched it. Look, I moved my eggs from there to here-
***
Alex: I am at lost for words!
John, narrating: Despite being lost for words, Alex yelled at me for the next 45 minutes-
***
John: *signs a legal document with a glitter gel pen*
***
John, dumping out a shopping bag full of Lunchables onto the table: Tonight, we feast-
Alex: I-
***
Alex, reading the back of a cake mix box: 🎵 Do we got the eggs?🎵
John: *pulls eggs out of the refrigerator* 🎵 Yeah we got the eggs! 🎵
Alex: 🎵 Do we got the milk? 🎵
John: 🎵 Yeah we got the- *tries to pull milk out, knocks over the shelf in the refrigerator*
***
Alex, watching the news: Some idiot tried to fight a squid-
John, covered in ink: Well maybe the squid was being a jerk-
***
[John making friends at the store]
Lady: All of my kid's snacks and meals are organic-
John: Cool, my kids lick food off the floor-
***
John: Perhaps I will drink my sadness away-
John: *opens Capri sun*
***
Philip: *hanging from the balcony* ᵖʷᵉᵃˢᵉ ʰᵉˡᵖ ᵐᵉ ᵒʷᵒ
Frances: *stepping on his fingers* ᵖᵉʳᶦˢʰ
John: *running outside and grabbing Philip* WHAT IN THE WORLD ARE YOU GUYS DOING-
***
John: I was trying to say "c'est la vie" but I forgot the phrase and so long story short I shrugged and said "livin la vida loca"-
***
Alex: Hoodies are one of the most powerful and underappreciated articles of clothing-
Alex: Cold? Put on a hoodie-
Alex: Raining? Put on a hoodie-
Alex: Nothing to wear? Hoodie-
Alex: Cripplingly low self esteem? You guessed it-
***
John: Your shoes are on backwards-
Frances:
John:
Frances:
John:
Frances: But I don't have any other feet???
John: Fair enough-
***
Alex: That giant box is John's gift for me?
Eleanor: Yep-
Alex: He's inside isn't he-
Eleanor: Yep-
***
John, laying next to Alex who is asleep: Nice-
Alex, still asleep: *cuddles closer to John*
John, holding back tears: N I C E-
***
John: Look at the butterfly Koda!!
Koda: *eats the butterfly and runs off*
John: No! NO! NOO!! KODA! K O D A!!!
***
Alex: How did none of you hear what I just said?
John: I've been zoned out for the last two and a half hours-
Philip: I got distracted about halfway through-
Frances: Ignoring you was a conscious decision-
***
Angie: Why does Papa wear make up?
John: To look pretty-
Angie: But he's already pretty-
John: Aww-
Angie: Dad you should wear make up-
***
Alex: Hit or miss✊😔 I guess they never miss, huh?😏🙏💪 You got a boyfriend,👬 I bet he doesn't kiss ya💏🙅 He gon' find another girl👫and he won't miss ya😭 He gon' skrrt💪and hit the dab like Wiz Khalifa😏👅
John, sobbing: What does that even mean-
***
John: I think turtles are a big threat to our national security-
Alex: ...may I ask why-
John: No-
***
Alex: Can you pick up milk?
John: *lifts gallon* Yea it's pretty easy-
Alex: No I mean from the store-
John: I would imagine it weighs the same there too-
***
John: Here is my wall of inspirational people-
Alex: Is that a picture of you-
John: I'm big enough to admit that I am often inspired by myself-
***
Alex: H-
John: 💕💞💘💖💗💜❤️💚💓💝✨💙❣️💟💓💗💖💘💕❣️💝💞💜❤️💛💚🏩💒😊🌟✨🌸🌺🌺✨💝💗💚💙💕👌🏾💕✨💜💛🌸❣️🌟💛💙👄😍😘💚❤️❣️🙈🙊🦋🦄🌞🌻🌼🙏🏾❤️❣️💕💘💖💗💓
***
John: Isn't that my shirt?
Alex: *wearing a shirt that goes down to his knees* Not anymore-
***
John: Has anyone seen my husband?
Someone: What does he look like?
John, crying: BEAUTIFUL-
***
Alex: Is anybody else scared?
John: Not really. I've already lived longer than I expected-
***
John: I have the best idea-
John: My line of logic was "Well if I put the sponge in the blender, when I turn it on the sponge will spin around and scrub the blender for me so I don't have to spend ages cleaning it"-
John: That's not what happened though-
***
John: What do you think about space travel-
Koda:
John: I don't speak Spanish sorry-
***
[after Timmy was born]
John: Timmy won't help clean up the house-
Alex: He's a week old babe-
John: I know. He's been lazy long enough-
***