transfixed
I tried to forget what Nina said to me. I filled my time the rest of the week with classes, studying, and playing video games with Harley until I almost passed out late at night.
I definitely did not touch Chéri again. I couldn't if I wanted to forget.
And by the end of the week, I was pretty successful.
But then Sunday evening hit and Noel walked through our door. Nina's words rushed back to me with one glance at his face and my gaze instinctively shot across the room at Noel's bed where I'd washed his sheets twice just to make sure they were really clean before putting it back together.
I felt my ears burn and I was glad my messy hair had now gotten long enough on the sides to cover the red tips.
Noel smiled softly at me.
"Hey."
I nodded. "Hi. You seem like you're in a better mood than last week."
Noel didn't answer but he dropped his things on the floor by his wardrobe with his back to me. Then he turned around and he had a teasing smirk on his face. He came over to me where I sat on my own bed and I blinked up at him feeling a little unsettled. He crossed his arms and his lean biceps flexed beneath the sleeves of his shirt.
I brought part of my bottom lip into my mouth to work on it with my teeth while Noel was just staring at me.
"Uhm," I muttered, flicking my gaze around awkwardly. His eyes were shining and intimidating. "You okay?"
Noel's face broke out in a sly grin that had me cringing on the inside. "What did you do on my bed?"
My eyes went wide and I couldn't look at him. Of course he knew. "I didn't mean to. You know Nina, man. She's...I washed everything," I insisted, gesturing at the other side of the room. "Twice. I promise."
Noel laughed beautifully. He looked over his shoulder at his bed, nodding. "I can tell." He looked back at me and I tried not to shrink back out of embarrassment. "I don't mind. Whatever you need, Nat."
Fuck, did he think I got off on that?
I tried to catch up on my breathing when he finally turned away, chuckling. He went back to unpack his things, then his favorite book caught his attention on our shared desk, stopping him. I'd purposely set it on his side, not mine, as I'd been trying to physically avoid anything that was overtly Noel since my conversation with Nina.
"Did you read it?" Noel asked. He picked it up, hand skimming thoughtfully over the cover. He glanced at me through the curls that hung over his eyes due to his head angling down.
I was struck by how sweet he looked and shifted, straightening my back against my pillows. "I started to."
Noel looked fractionally disappointed, but it didn't last long. He came back over to me and held it out. He stared me down until I took it back from him.
"Read it," he insisted, his voice firm. "I know you'll like it. I know it's not the easiest thing to sift through, but it's great, really."
I just nodded, swallowing my nerves. Why did he not even have to try at all to get my heart racing?
"Okay. I'll give it another go. But you owe me," I said playfully, sounding more like my usual self.
"Deal. Tomorrow let's get burgers off campus for lunch. I know a great place." Noel cracked a happy grin and fell back on his bed. "After all, you washed my sheets for me. A man's gotta do something to return the favor."
A rare, full blush hit my cheeks and I frowned. I went back to my textbook I'd been reading for class before he'd come home as his laughter disrupted the quiet of the room.
I was glad for the noise.
I only wished it didn't sound so captivating.
*************
"I think I'm totally fucked," I said to Harley as I sat down next to him at lunch.
The dining hall was full and loud.
It had been three weeks since Noel had come back from his parents' place. We had hooked up with a woman once for each of those weeks. Every time, it was someone new. Every time, Noel touched me more--steady hands lingering on my back, my thighs, hips--staying just barely inside the lines of being too intimate with me. His presence made me dizzy, and I couldn't get enough of the feeling.
"I could have told you that a long time ago," Harley said. "In fact, I think I actually did."
He was in a bad mood again. Lately it seemed like almost every other day he was pissed off about something. Today, I needed him to just listen to me.
"Dude, for real," I snapped. "I can't stop thinking about him. I can't stop wanting him."
"You never should have let things get like this," Harley lectured, tone turning condescending.
I huffed. "No fucking shit, thanks for telling me what I already know."
"Look, I don't know what you want from me, Nate. I've got my own shit I'm dealing with."
"You're a selfish jerk, Sinclair."
"You kidding me? You're mooning over Noel left and god damn right." He angrily dropped his fork onto his plate with a clatter. "It's obnoxious. If you like the dude just tell him and get it over with."
I scowled angrily right back at him. "Like you did with Dante in high school?"
"Shut the fuck up."
Harley's answer was immediate, and he looked furious. If it were any other time I would have felt bad about what I said. But today I was too upset to apologize.
"No, you shut the fuck up. You know damn well I can't just tell him I'm starting to like him. It'll ruin everything. "
"Jesus Christ. Not telling him just makes you feel like shit forever anyway, so you might as well take the risk. I would know. If you get your heart ripped out then join the fucking club." Without warning, Harley got to his feet and slung his bag over his shoulder. "I gotta go."
I stared at him with wide, disbelieving brown eyes. "You're seriously leaving right now?"
"Yes."
"Why?"
"Because you give me a headache."
I made a face at him, feeling deeply offended. He simply walked away from me, taking his food with him.
If I had to bet, I was sure he was just going to find another place to sit and eat without me. I frowned, feeling more upset. Was I really that bad? I just wanted to talk about my mess of a life with my best friend. Since when was that a crime?
Sighing, feeling somewhat defeated, I looked down at my plate and began to eat in silence. I drowned out the sounds of everyone around me and scrolled mindlessly through my phone.
I saw a picture that Corian posted of her and Andrew smiling brightly somewhere on their campus. Sunshine hit their faces as Andrew had his arms around her shoulders, holding her to his chest. She was wearing a UPenn sweater and she was squinting at the camera.
I felt an ache hit my chest as I looked at my friends. Andrew had the same smile as Jason.
Groaning, I exited the app and shoved my phone to the side on the table.
At the same moment, Noel and Dylan dropped into the empty seats at my table. I blinked at their sudden appearance and then returned Noel's fleeting smile. It was as charming as ever--the same one he gave everybody when he felt like it.
A lot of the time, when he was alone or doing something, he was in a world all his own in his head. His face would be neutral, and if you didn't catch his attention somehow, that was all you'd get. It was like that for the first couple weeks living with him, until we got to know each other and became friends.
I was glad he gave me that smile now.
He and Dylan were deep in conversation about some movie I'd never heard of, so sighing quietly, I tuned them out just as I did the rest of the people in the dining hall. A few minutes later Dylan stood up quickly and walked away from the table. I watched him go and sent Noel a questioning look.
"He forgot ketchup," he answered. Noel pushed his tray over to me and I raised a brow, watching him get up and come over to sit next me. Heat radiated off of him and the closeness made my arm sizzle under my sweater.
The table wasn't small. He didn't need to be that close, but he was.
"You okay, Nat?"
I glanced at him and then looked away again. I pushed my food around on my plate with my fork. I was having too many feelings today. "Fine. Why?"
"You don't seem fine. What's wrong?"
I shrugged but didn't look at him. He angled his body towards me, and having his full attention made me nervous.
"Come on," he whispered. His tone was light and prying. "You can tell me stuff. We're buds."
I sighed through my nose. "It's really not a big deal. Harley's pissed at me."
"Lover's spat?" I shot him a look of annoyance. He gently whacked my arm. I could feel his eyes on my face. "I'm kidding. What's his deal?"
I watched Dylan impatiently tap his foot against the ground as he waited for his turn in the condiment line. I always wondered why it had to be so long. Now, I was glad. I really liked Dylan and all, but having a chance to talk to Noel alone at that moment felt really nice.
"I know I've been kind of annoying him lately, but he wouldn't be in such a bad mood in the first place if it wasn't for his roommate."
Noel nodded, looking both thoughtful and unreadable. "The reason he doesn't like to be in his room a lot? The long story?"
I was surprised he remembered that. After all, he'd called Harley Harry for two weeks before finally remembering it correctly.
Slowly, I said, "Yeah, they used to hook up when we were in high school. It didn't end well. At all."
"Shit, dude. And now they're roommates?" Noel whistled. I had to look away from his lips. "That fucking blows."
I chuckled at Noel's reaction. "It does. At first things were fine, but the last few weeks Harley's rope has been so short, he's always in a bad mood and he's constantly sniping at me. It just sucks when I need my friend to help me with...uh, stuff too."
I ended my rant awkwardly and abruptly. Noel didn't miss it.
"Want me to help?" He was smiling obliviously.
I bit my cheek. "That's okay."
Noel hummed. He was staring at me and I was staring at my plate. When Dylan returned, I was thankful, although he did give Noel and me the most bewildered expression.
"The fuck d'you move for?" he asked.
Noel shrugged. "You smell bad." His hand went to the back of my chair. I felt his thumb brush over the back of my neck and suppressed a shiver. "Nat, does not."
I snorted at his joke of a lie. Dylan didn't look amused. "Fuck you, y'all know damn well I don't."
As they began bantering, I glanced at Noel. He looked as handsome as ever in his burgundy hoodie. The color looked rich against his skin tone and his hair had been getting curlier the longer he let it grow. He had to run his hands through it so much more often now to get it back in the place he wanted.
There was a brief lull in their playful arguments and Noel's eyes dropped down to mine. I remembered I was staring. Before I looked away, the corner of his lip curled up in a part-smirk-part-smile and he bumped his knee against mine under the table.
Dylan began talking again.
Noel never took his knee back. Or his hand off my chair.
I smiled into my palm as I leaned on it.