'HOLD ON IF YOU FEEL LIKE LETTING GO, HOLD ON IT GETS BETTER THAN YOU KNOW'
My hands shook as I sat at the table in the kitchen. The piece of paper in front of me was blank and the pen that laid next to it was untouched. I had made a cup of tea earlier in the morning but like the pen, it had been left alone. There were sounds that filled the room, I had left the radio on when I had first come down the stairs, my mobile phone was vibrating on the sideboard but these all seemed so very far away.
After two hours of blankly staring at the paper, I picked up the pen.
Moving it over the blank canvas before me, I felt nothing. There was no words I could put on this paper that could make anyone feel any better about the situation that was going to unfold.
All I could do was write what came to my mind.
Leah,
I know you'll be the first one to find this, let me start by telling you I am so sorry. Please forgive me. I want you to know you could never do anything to change my mind, nothing anyone says could help me. This isn't your fault, please remember that. And Lance, please tell him this isn't his fault, too.
Being here without the daughter I once held in my arms in killing me. Lance doesn't need me dragging him down, I'm just a burden now. I hope that one day he can find someone to be there more than I was. I cannot support him like he would want me to, I cannot support myself. All I think about is being with Alice. I know she needs me and this is my only way to be with her.
I love every single one of my friends, my family and most of all Lance.
I hope you all feel as free as I will once this is over. The pain I feel is too much.
There was no need to sign it off, when they found it they would know it was from me.
Standing up, I turned off the radio before tipping away my mug of tea. I washed and dried the mug, returning it to the cupboard where it lived before I reached into the drawer and pulled out the largest knife then returned to my seat at the table.
My phone continued to vibrate, I placed the knife down before walking over to my phone. The screen lit up showing me the caller ID. Lance.
I pressed on the screen, answering the call. "Hello?" I lifted the phone to my ear as I listened for his reply.
"Anne? I'm literally about to leave the track," he sounded happy as he told me. "I can't wait to see you."
"Me too," I told him as I returned to my seat. My eyes on the knife as I spoke. "How long do you think you'll be?"
"Maybe an hour or two," he spoke. "When I get home, I want us to go out, celebrate."
"Okay," I said as I thought about it. "I'll see you soon. I love you."
"I love you too," he said before the call ended.
Turning my phone off, I placed it face down on the table before I took my decision to get it over and done with.
My life here on Earth was full of pain and when I lifted the knife to my skin and made the first cut I found a small release from the hell I was feeling. I watched as the blood trickled from my skin before I panicked, my hands dropped the knife as I heard the door open.
"Anne," I heard Lance's voice. Turning my head to look at him he saw the panic then the blood. "Shit, Anne. What are you playing at?"
I didn't reply, I wondered what he was doing here. He scooped me up and close to him as he held my wrist tightly. "Talk to me," he said as he fumbled in his pocket with his other hand for something. "Anne?"
My eyes watched his face as I mumbled a few words over and over, "I'm sorry. I'm so sorry."
He kept the pressure on my wrist as I stayed against him, my body shaking as he was on the phone to the emergency services. I closed my eyes as I leaned against his chest.
"Anne, you need to open your eyes," he said as he nudged me. He sighed heavily, like a sigh of relief, as I opened my eyes, the paper on the table moved which caught his attention.
Reaching for it , he kept the phone between his ear and shoulder keeping the operator on the line as he said random things to the person on the other end. I didn't know what they were saying, it didn't matter.
Closing my eyes again, I had seen him reading the note I had left.
"Anne," he shook me as sirens could be heard in the distance. "Anne, you have to wake up."