Hey there, happy mid-week,😊
Grab a beverage; here's a long one!
"Tell me, Shannon, am I old? Like am I considered to be too old for certain things in life?" the question what I have been chewing on for days burst out from me as soon as the waitress left after taking our order.
Shannon was still getting comfortable, pouring water for both of us as his eyes flicked on me.
I knew he invited me for brunch because he had something he wanted to talk to me about but it was the perfect time I was looking for with him alone to finally talk to him about my conversation with Avery two days ago. Or well, it was more of a one sided conversation; I was too startled to react, really.
"Baby brother, you still don't look a day older than twenty-five even with this beard. Relax," he let an amused smile show as he poured water to me. "Which jealous designer pointed out those invisible wrinkles this time? Or other times you ask me this kind of question are when you start fooling around with a twenty year old, which I hope for your sake you don't," he looked back up to me seriously.
I rolled my eyes, resting my forearms on the table.
"Avery said I am too old."
He looked at me with a confused frown on his face.
"Avery? Your biggest fan who would bathe in your sweat if she could, Avery? Are you sure?"
"Oh yes I am," I sighed leaning back on the chair. "Look... I," I leaned forward again, taking a deep breath. "We were kind of... considering starting a family lately. In the future. I mean... I kind of started this whole thing; I don't know what was I thinking but I mentioned her that I really see us having a baby even though we already talked this through that I don't want to have kids and she seemed fine with it but I just... I just felt like she wasn't hundred percent FINE fine. So I was thinking about it... a LOT during the tour and... I decided I might want a kid, you know, and stupid enough I said this to her. Anyway she seemed excited she... even tried being more with Zoe and Rylie. She was so willing to learn about kids. And then in one moment she says to me that she is practicing and literally the next moment she tells me I'm too old to have kids and she backed out. She says I was right the first time; we shouldn't have a kid because basically I will be an old fuck and won't be able to do anything with the kid and will die on both of them way too early," I almost forgot to breath while I tried to tell the whole story in a nutshell, not looking at Shannon for the whole time.
After I finished I looked up just to see him completely put together and calm, seemingly still processing the whole story.
"Dude, you start turning into Avery. Overthinking.I bet this is what YOU heard and not what she told," he raised an eyebrow questioningly. "Think back now calmly and tell me what she really said?"
I looked at him disapprovingly.
I didn't want him to start analyzing me but I took a deep breath while the waitress got back with our drinks.
I nodded as a thank you and took a few sips before I talked.
"I am sure that's what she was thinking," I stated firm. "However, what she actually said is that we both are not getting any younger and she doesn't want to be an old parent and in a long run it wouldn't be fair to the kid, which was EXACTLY what I told her the very first time this topic came up. I am tasting my own medicine and it IS bitter. I don't know man, I really thought I could pull this off. I love her," I mumbled, playing with the edge of my napkin. "And I love kids and I always did... all kids, I was just excited to have my own with... someone I really love. I felt like I could create a family I never had. A family with a father who will never leave us because the father would be me this time," I smiled bitterly, shaking my head.
"What do you think happened in that short time what made her change her mind so quickly?" Shannon asked carefully.
I looked up to him with a sigh as I leaned back, crossing my arms.
"I don't know," I shook my head. "It's like she panicked. What else could I do, I accepted her sudden wish. It's her body, her life, her choice and I'm not saying it's a bad choice, I just don't get it. It happened Saturday. Sunday she was so silent, she was with the twins and Anna most of the time. Today she still seemed just... a little off. She didn't talk to me much..." I shrugged. "I'm..." fuck... even thinking about it made me want to cry. "I'm afraid that she is re-thinking our relationship... I don't know what I'd do with my life if she left me," I whispered.
"You know Brian asked me if I know anything about Avery maybe being pregnant," Shannon stated and I looked up to him stunned as he continued. "He said he heard you two guys talking when she said she stayed to look after the twins to practice. He didn't say anything to anyone else, and when they were packing to go home he said Anna was suspecting the same because Avery low-key seemed curious about her experience with pregnancy, with handling the twins. Asking about newborns just in general. And that was on Sunday so whatever she said to you she still is curious for some reason. Do you think... she... might already be pregnant?"
I shook my head before I could process the whole thing.
"No. No, she is on the pill and her surgery was just less than two months ago; her body is still adjusting. It would be highly unlikely."
"Well then... you're right. She might just panicked. She just needs some time to think it through, talk it out..."
"See, that's the thing," I started. "She doesn't have any friends and I hate it. We all need an outsider to see things clearly. She doesn't have a single soul she would open up to about these things. She has conversations with her own self in her own head and I feel like sometimes it just... confuses her even more. I wish she could have someone," I sighed.
When our food arrived I didn't feel like eating a bit but I forced myself to start.
"Look, she might not want to wait out that few years, and I kinda see why."
"What do you mean?" I asked dumbfounded not wanting to hear that he thinks she wants to have a baby like tomorrow.
"Well, you two had been circling around each other way too long and yes man, you might look like a twenty something but you are forty-seven, she is a thirty year old woman and she loves you, you love her, you both seem to be pretty sure about each other so what the fuck are you two waiting for? To get to know each other? To first travel the world together? To, I don't know, live together?"
"But... I can't have a kid now, Shannon that's like... I have so much going on; I still have a movie promotion tour, I signed for another movie, I can't just... Jesus, what do YOU know about kids anyway? You expect me to just throw everything away and..."
"I don't expect you to do anything. Avery might does," he shrugged. "She would just never say it because she always put you first. You spent twenty years in the spotlight, brother. You don't have to stop, but now someone came along who can lead you on a different path. You just have to learn to balance the two. I say it's time for you to start a something which gives more to your heart than to your bank account or your professional growth. I would give anything away in a heartbeat if I would be lucky enough to find someone like Avery in this life. Anything."
I looked him in the eyes and the sadness I recognized was killing me.
I knew he always dreamed of a girl by his side and damn he was searching for her for so long, until he totally gave up. He knows a lot more than I am about relationships; he has been through big loves and had his fair share of heartbreaks because he was such a hopeless romantic, such a believer. One of the reasons I never looked for relationships was because I saw my brother heartbroken way too many times.
"How long have you two been dating?" he asked, snapping me out of my bitter thoughts.
"Uh..." I frowned. "I don't know... officially... five months? But then again... we kind of... I don't know it went on for..."
"How long does it feel? Five months?"
"A lot longer..." I sighed. "It feels like... forever, man," I smiled amazed.
"How long have you two been living together?" he questioned.
"In the new house?"
"Isn't that the "official" moving in date?" he asked raising an eyebrow and I nodded.
"A... week... maybe?"
"How long does it feel?"
"Well... she basically spent eighty percent of her time at mines the last two years so... I don't know man..."
"See? Same here, I don't know. A relationship is not only about two people sleeping with each other. You guys already had tons of dates before the sex," he smiled as he leaned back. "When you mentioned that you guys are talking about kids after "JUST" five months of you two going out, I didn't think it is weird at all. If it would be with anyone else I would say you lost your mind and you should run."
I sat there looking at my brother in shock who was eating satisfied.
He was right.
I remember when Lily gave me her apartment key after six months of going out and I panicked, thinking it was too early.
I smiled in myself as I took a bite of my toast, chewing it lost in thoughts.
"I never told you, but now I think it fits into this story well enough," he spoke up suddenly as he took a sip from his iced coffee. "When you were at the hospital after the emergency surgery and Avery was about to leave back to the UK... You were barely awake from anesthesia; you were a mess, you were high as fuck and your first words were, Where's Avery? You kept asking if she was okay, for some reason. You said you needed to talk to her. That's why I messaged her to tell her you are in the hospital and call if she can so she could at least talk to you, even though I knew she must be already on her way to the airport. Well, instead of ringing me up, she appeared in the hospital and rarely left your side," he smiled.
I looked at him once again, shocked. I didn't remember mostly the whole day after my operation as I was even in shock when they brought me in from almost losing my life, hanging on a thread literally, on the side of a rock.
I decided I can't comment on it, and I had enough of analyzing my love life with my brother. I heard more than enough to gather my thoughts, so I changed the topic.
"Anyway, what did you want to talk about?" I asked taking a sip from my juice.
Shannon cleared his throat, then took a long sip from his coffee.
"I'm... Well..." he glanced at me before looking out of the window then turning back he sighed. "thinking of moving to Seattle," he spat it out and I frowned.
"Why?"
It was a stupid question. I knew why. He never was a fan of LA. He felt more laid back and calm when we were home or... well in any other city. It was a matter of time until he decided on moving when the band is on a break. I understood him. LA always brought trouble to him when he had nothing to do. I just hoped he won't feel too alone so far away from our friends. Sometimes I felt like he needs me more than I need him nowadays and that scared the shit out of me.
Even though he seemed like there was more in his mind, he didn't say anything else the rest of the brunch and I didn't push it. Deep conversations always wore him out. I often felt like he shows a much stronger side to me than he feels and that is why I was supportive of him moving away. He needs a fresh town, a different town and support in making this move.
Arriving home, I was half way down the entrance hall when I glanced down and huffed annoyed, realizing I forgot to take my shoes off again; so I turned back to leave them on the shelf by the door.
Avery does it ever since I've known her; taking her shoes off inside and I decided to start doing it as well in our new home. I wanted to make her see that this is her home as well by adjusting to some of her habits. I know she would never ask me to do it, but she seemed very appreciative.
"I'm home!" I shouted when I reached the living area and I saw her outside by the pool so I walked out slowly.
She was laying on the sunbed in a very sexy black one piece bathing suit which had a V cut until her belly button. Her hair was resting on her shoulders, sunglasses on.
I loved seeing her so calm and relaxed, in peace with her skin. She looked so sexy, so sensual and finally she was confident enough to show it off. It always made me proud that it was all me, kicking her out of her shell.
She had earphones on, her phone resting on the ground next to her.
When I saw her reaching down and lifting a glass of wine to her lips I frowned disapprovingly.
It wasn't that she liked her wine. It's that she liked her wine way too much. One or two glasses, I wouldn't mind, but she can't stop there and that worried me.
Stepping closer she caught a glimpse of me and quickly put the glass down as she sat up, tearing the headphones out of her ears.
"Jay... hey, I just..." she looked so scared and I looked at her taken aback by her reaction. "I didn't... hear you, I just thought of..."
I looked to her right to see that she had the whole bottle of wine next to her and I sighed sitting down, caressing her cheek.
The last thing I wanted was to make her feel like a child getting caught. I knew she wanted to please me still so hard and I had to find a way to show her that she can do whatever she would love to. I didn't want to control her. Not intentionally. I just wanted the best for her by helping her loose her bad habits.
"It's okay, I found you," I smiled kissing her forehead.
She smiled reluctantly as she sat up, crossing her legs.
"Did you... talk to Shannon?" she asked uncertain, taking her sunglasses off.
"I did," I nodded. "We had a great brunch."
"Did he... tell you why he wanted to meet up?"
I nodded.
"And?" she waited, holding her breath.
"He is planning to move to Seattle," I said, caressing her soft locks behind her ears, smiling as I saw she never takes the lotus earrings, I got her, out.
"What?" she asked stunned. "That... that's it?"
"Yeah. He needs it. I'm sure he will tell you more. maybe it's because of that lady problem he talked to you about, but he didn't mention that to me," I smiled, not wanting to tell too much; what Shannon tells me I always handle it as confidential.
"Oh..." she seemed confused.
"I know you two are close. Don't worry, I'm sure this won't change," I reassured.
Sucks, because I knew she loved to talk to him; he was the only person she might talk to about things other than me and I really am planning to change that. She needs some damn girlfriends.
She nodded absentmindedly.
"I tried to have just one glass today... it's my third one and... just... It's better if I stop it all together. I decided I'll quit," she muttered, looking down at it.
"Then I guess this is enough for today, yeah?" I asked gently, taking the glass from her hand more than proud of her to not get defensive.
She nodded, looking guilty as I grabbed the bottle too.
"It's okay. And I never said you should quit entirely, just maybe drinking alone is not the best for you," I tried to reason.
She is always the sad drunk; she always drinks when she feels down. She has tied alcohol to depression and that is the worst she could do, if she wants to drink from time to time let it be but I'd rather see her happy drunk with her friends than drinking her feelings away.
"I'm sure Sky and Olivia would be more than happy if you would join them in some night outs. As I heard they hang out a lot," I offered with a knowing smile.
"Yeah, now it's only me missing and there goes Jared's minions," she giggled and I smiled gently.
"You know how it is. Co-workers like to go out to drink and talk shit about their workplace," I wiggled my eyebrows. "You can talk shit about me, it's okay, they don't kiss and tell," I grinned.
"So then probably the last person they want there is me," she smiled, caressing my cheek with her soft hands and I sighed, closing my eyes for a second.
"So that's what you do? Talk shit about me to your friends?" she asked trying to joke but her eyes told otherwise.
"No! No way! It's just nice to take advice of outsiders."
I didn't want to push her too much. She already progressing so perfectly in opening up, letting her guard down.
"I'll see," she sighed and I swear I already saw worry fogging up her mind.
"Wanna go for a swim?" I asked, trying to ease her up and get that fucking alcohol out of her system which feeds her anxiety.
"Yes, I want," she smiled.
After spending a well deserved afternoon by the pool, ordering in some amazing food and for the first time watching a movie in the new house we both were ready for bed.
Avery was sobered up and although very much tired I knew I still needed to talk to her, so when she was still up after I took a shower, I decided it was time.
"So, I have a proposition for you," I started as I threw the towel on the back of the armchair what we used as a clothing holder, and turning back I watched her watching me with her mouth falling open.
"My eyes are up here, Miss," I smirked as her gaze quickly snapped up from my crotch, her flushed cheeks turned deep red.
I couldn't get enough of her appreciation towards me. She was so thankful so giving and seemed like she will never get tired of just looking at me which, no lie, meant so much to me. I needn't act she was just happy with me.
"Well, I think we are both very much under dressed for propositions, Mister," she smiled, biting her lower lip which made my stomach flip.
"Hear me out first," I tried to clear my head as I quickly pulled on sweatpants before I sat onto the bed.
She looked interested as she sat up as well.
"This baby talk... you kind of talked and I listened. And that time I really didn't have much to say about it. I was very much confused about your sudden change of mind. But I want you to know that I was serious about having a family with you. And I know we are not in our twenties, but we are still pretty cool, I think," I smiled. "You said we will be too old in a couple of years for kids and I know I told you this. I know you think I would only do it for you, which is not true at all. You know me how I love kids. Since we talked about it, I was pretty damn excited to have a little one of our own... and you know what, it's not business, it's not... a project. It's life. Nothing's gonna change in a couple of years; there are always going to be opportunities for new projects, new jobs... it's just a matter of priorities for both of us. And it's time that at this age my priorities change. So..." I sat up, taking a deep breath.
This could go very good or very wrong and at this moment I really had not idea which it will be.
"What do you say if we let nature decide? From now on, throughout this whole year, until my birthday maybe, we just... enjoy ourselves without any effort of preventing pregnancy," her eyes already widened. "I mean... you have one ovary, I am old... " I smirked, "it might not even happen or if... it does it probably not going to be right away... And if it doesn't happen... we move on, we do something crazy; I don't know we book a trip to the moon or something," I smiled.
Saying it out loud to Avery made it sound much more serious and much more real than it was in my head and I watched her intensly as she looked back to me startled. I really couldn't tell what she will say.
A long minute passed with her contemplating, not saying or asking anything.
"It's 'kay to say no," I whispered, taking her hands. "I just got the impression that you might consider it, but I don't wanna push you; we don't have to. If you really changed your mind, if you really don't want this, I understand. I hundred percent understand; it's too early, it's crazy really... I must have some mid-life crisis going on," I laughed nervously. "It's just... our relationship was never like others... I feel like we have been together forever, but it's only been a few months. I don't know what I was thinking I... Avery, please don't leave me..." I had no idea what I was talking about but her silence was killing me.
"Let's do it," she whispered, her eyes looking into mines with a new light. "I like this plan," she swallowed, then licked her lips taking a deep breath as she inched closer. "I wanna do it..."
"Really?" I breathed.
"Yes," she smiled. "What the hell; it's not like we haven't been through anything already together."
"Yeah?" I grinned, my heart picking up a pace.
She nodded excitedly as she threw herself at me, hugging me tight.
"Yeah," she breathed into my neck and laughed as I pushed her onto her back, me following, leaning over her.
"This is gonna be crazy if it happens you know that?" she asked caressing my hair. "I mean are you... sure? You're... what will everybody say?"
"Hey, I JUST convinced you, so don't even try to convince me," I laughed. "Just shut up and open your legs; we start practicing today," I muttered before I kissed into her neck and she did as she was told with a chuckle.