Trigger warning: Mentions of sexual assault
It'd been 6 days since my surgery and I swear, I never once saw Camila actually go home. She'd visit me at all hours of the day, fall asleep in the chair next to my bed, and then the next morning it was like she never left. I'd see her walk past my room so many times I lost count. I think eventually she knew I was watching for her because she'd make a funny face. Everytime it was the same questions she began with. "How are you feeling? How is your pain? Can I do anything?"
She never once let the conversation turn back to her. Truthfully, I didn't know what to ask her because it wasn't like I was just going to ask "How's your fiance?" Part of me wanted to ask her if she would ever tell Luka what happened between us, but I knew if she hadn't told him yet and he didn't know, she didn't have a reason to tell him. What he doesn't know can't hurt him, right? Although this was my exact logic years ago, and that didn't turn out well at all.
"You should really go home..." I overheard Dr.Amos say to Camila.
"I'm okay," was all she said. She was definitely not. Again, I knew her well... and I knew when something was wrong.
The next time she was in my room I tried to ask her how she was, but she kept it all work related. She told me how she promised to go on a date with a patient who was 75, and how she performed a surgery on a 6 year old who got discharged today. She told me her and the nurses always sang a special song and did a special dance to the kids in the pediatric unit when they were discharged. It was a happy occasion and although they would miss them, it was always a win when a kid got to go home. I noticed she didn't wear her engagement ring, but then realize maybe that made sense if she was putting on and taking off gloves all day.
She looked like she hadn't gotten much sleep, even though I did see her physically sleep.I tried not to laugh when she fell asleep with her mouth open, snoring softly. I knew she only snored when she was really really tired and she looked like she was really really tired all the time. If I didn't know any better, I'd think she was losing weight too, but maybe I was over-reaching.
Camila's POV
I was beginning to crash, hard.
I couldn't eat, I couldn't sleep.
The anxiety made me nauseous and the only times my anxiety was quieted was in surgery. I slept only to operate. I ate only to avoid fainting in the operating room. I did whatever I could to keep going.
I was meeting Luka later in the conference room, at the hospital. I'd book the conference room for myself, but truthfully, I didn't know where else to have this conversation. "Just come home," he said and I didn't budge. "I'm not going to hurt you, you know me.." he pleaded and still, I insisted we meet at the hospital. "Fine," he sighed and hung up.
I entered the room, leaving the blinds open. When Luka entered he looked back at Dr. Amos who'd let him in and they glared at each other. Dr. Amos nodded and gave me a look that meant he wouldn't be far.
"Jesus, what's his problem?What did you tell him? He's looking at me like he wants to kick my ass.."
He took a seat at the other side of the table. I purposely move it all the way across the 6 foot table. He picked his chair up to move it closer and I stopped him.
"He probably does, to be fair."
"So you told him?" he asked.
"Told him what?"
"What do you mean, what?"
"Tell me what happened..." I said firmly.
"You know what happened, stop with the mind games," he snapped.
I took a breath. "Luka, tell me what happened in your own words.I need to know."
Luka sighed. "I came home, you were asleep, I saw you move over so you were lying on your back. I thought.. I thought you knew I was there and I thought you were trying to I don't know, tease me or something. We haven't had sex in two weeks and I thought maybe it was your way of initiating something... and then.. well.. you know the rest..." Luka sighed.
"Keep going," I said.
"What do you mean?" I could tell he was getting frustrated, but I needed to know.
"What happened, after you thought I was initiating something.." I pushed.
"We..we..... had sex and I.. hurt you and.. then I saw blood and.. that's the last thing I remember and when I woke up you were gone..."
i sighed. "Luka, we did not have sex. You forced your way into me, while I was unconscious. You sexually assaulted me. You raped me."
"Camila, stop being dramatic, I hurt you, but I didn't rape you. I'm your fiance for fuck's sake," he remarked.
"I'm 110% sure I'm not being dramatic... I was asleep and you raped me." I said simply.
Luka sighed and put his hands in his palms. "Okay, you made your point, I'm sorry. I didn't mean to hurt you, I just misread your signals."
"You can't even say the word can you? RAPE." I emphasized. I wasn't proud of the next thing I was about to do, but I had to do it. I had to make him see.
I slid a folder across the table. "What is this"
"Open it.."
He opened the folder and inside were graphic photos, of the injuries I'd sustained. The injuries he was responsible for. My swollen, bruised labia and pelvis. The bruises on my arms from where he unintentionally applied pressure when he pushed his way inside.
He closed the folder and closed his eyes, wincing angrily.
"Do you see it now?"
Luka shifted uncomfortably. "It was an accident. I didn't hurt you on purpose...you have to know that, baby please. I've never hurt you before. I love you. I'm sorry. Please, forgive me... let's go home. Let's have dinner, and cuddle and.. I .. I'm tired of this space. I know that I hurt you and I've been in hell for the last week. I miss you. I miss us, in our bed. We have a wedding to plan.. we have so many places to travel together.. we have plans, just come home, please."
His words I know were supposed to hurt but instead, I felt gratitude because I was reminded of how when I pictured myself at those destinations he'd mentioned we'd travel to or doing the things he said we would do, he wasn't the one I pictured next to me.
"I do, forgive you, but we're done." I took my ring, which I'd worn for the sole purpose of taking it off in front of him., and put it on the table.
"Camila... you're kidding right? This isn't funny... we can fix this. You're being irrational."
I sighed and shook my head.
"I'm so sorry it had to end this way. When I think back on everything we had and everything we did, it feels like there's a blurry filter over it. Everything we did, everything we said to each other... disappeared a little when you raped me. The fact that you can't even accept what you've done, makes the rest of it disappear."
"Camila.." he had tears in his eyes and he was upset, whereas I, held it all in. I had to.
"If you ever, come near me again, these photos will go to the police. I had a doctor do a rape kit. Photos and DNA have been taken. Let me clear. this is not a threat, this is a promise. If you ever come near me again, I will take it to the police and you will be charged. If you see me on the street, keep walking. If you see me, on the Subway, look away. If you see me in a photoshoot, or you're asked to photograph me, you will decline. If you see me at a photoshoot and you didn't expect me to be there, you leave. If you see me in a photograph, well, I can't stop you there, but just remember what I know and I remember who I know. Again, this is not a threat this is a promise, if I catch wind that my name has been in your mouth, this goes public and your life is over."
Luka's eyes are raging with fire and I get a glimpse of the man who once got banned from a bar for getting in a fight. He'd never hurt me, but he'd hurt others, and maybe it was just a matter of time before that aggression would be for me. I felt it in the way he tore me open when he pushed his way inside me.
"I mean this with my whole soul. Fuck you.." he spat.
"Oh, one more thing, I cheated on you."
His mouth dropped open.
"Jesus, you're good, but don't think I don't know what you've been up to. A couple days ago Micah called me.."
"What did he say?" Luka asked abruptly. I saw the fear in his eyes.
"Nothing good, I'm afraid. I hope you find what you're looking for, truly. I hope you figure things out... and get your shit together. Your side bitches are messy..."
Luka's was left in shock and I left the conference room.
I'd lied about the DNA being taken, but he didn't need to know that. 3 days ago I got a call from Micah. I'd done a photoshoot with him before and Luka was the photographer. Well, 3 days ago he called and said he needed to confess. He'd been sleeping with Luka for the last 3 months but broke it off with him when he realized Luka would never leave me for him. The night Micah "broke up" with Luka was the night before he raped me.
There were a couple things that ran through my mind but the first was, whether or not they'd used protection and whether he'd been tested recently. Micah said they used protection most of the time. "Most" made my blood run cold and I went to the lab and immediately did a full STD and HIV panel which all came back negative. His comment about his side bitches being messy was Sofia's because when I told her about what Micah said she explained that a good side bitch never tells the main bitch. "What the hell?"
"Side bitch etiquette 101. The most sacred rule of the Sidebitch code of honor. I've been a side bitch, so trust, I know.." Sofia said. I laughed because Sidebith Code of Honor was literally an oxymorong.
"I'm curious to know who's side bitch were you?" I asked.
"MINE!" Hailee called from the kitchen and Sofia blew her a kiss.
"But you're the main bitch now, baby," Hailee kissed Sofia and she smiled stupidly, god they were so .. weird.
Lesbians I learned were incredibly weird, sexual and... sickenly affectionate and cute. Or maybe it was just my sister and her girlfriend.
While the nature of the phone call was amusing it shed a lot of light on many things, mostly that Luka was not the guy I thought I knew. It solidified the fact that our relationship was not what it appeared to be. I wanted to know how many women or men there were before me, but I'd never get that answer and I had to let it go. It didn't matter. Luka was mostly likely not gay, but he was probably queer or bisexual, because I knew he enjoyed having sex with women. Arousal couldn't be faked with a guy like it could with a girl, so that much I knew.. He liked women, but I guess he liked men too. This was news to me and I found it interesting how we kept such important things from each other.
The hardest part, I had to admit was his inability to accept what he'd done.
Maybe it was because I too, was struggling with accepting what he'd done.
There were so many thoughts running across my mind but I didn't shed a single tear. Maybe I was still in shock, or denial, or maybe I was really strong, but he didn't deserve a single tear, so no tears fell.
I checked in on Shawn and he was asleep. I took out my notepad from my coat pocket and wrote him a note.
"I'll be off for the next couple days. Text if you need me."
I left my number at the bottom of the note.
So far he'd only had the number to my hospital pager, which he'd only called once, yesterday. He said to see him when I could.
"What's wrong? I asked when I walked in.
"I saved you a pudding cup," he grinned.
I rolled my eyes, the nurses all thought he was so cute so I'm sure he just batted his eyes and asked for an extra pudding cup. I sat next to him, as we ate pudding and he told me about all the things he'd observed going on in the hospital. "That girl and that guy, are totally sleeping with each other.." he pointed out.
"How can you tell that?"
"You can tell by their body language. People who have slept together have different body language. They are comfortable with subtle touches and they even stand closer together," he said. I realized at that moment, I was leaning on his my hand resting gently on his arm . It was subtle and I did it without thinking. I backed away awkwardly, realizing, he was right. There was an awkward moment of silence exchange and I finished my pudding and went to check on my patients.
He'd be discharged in 4 days and after that, I didn't know what would change or stay the same. I'd miss him... I mean.. I'd miss seeing him and checking in on him.
I knew giving him my number was my way of saying that I wanted him to text me.
I had the next 3 days off and I needed it. I'd be back to see Shawn be discharged. I crashed on Sofia's couch because I was kind of, actually homeless now. I knew I'd need to find a place to live but right now, this was all I had. I crashed, HARD.
In the morning, Sofia was making me breakfast and she asked how it went.
I told her everything, and since there were no secrets between us, I didn't hold back on any of the details. I needed her to know. I needed someone to know. I needed my sister and she was there for me. This time though, retelling it all, I did cry. I felt pathetic for crying but she held me firm and close. My whole life, I'd made sure that the spaces in my arms, fit perfectly for my little sister. Even when Shawn and I broke up, I distanced myself from her and hid what I was feeling. She knew I was sad, but we didn't talk about it. I cried next to her, once but, this, what I was doing now, was the first time my little sister held me as I cried. The roles were now reversed and I had to admit, it felt good not to have it all together all the time.
It felt good to cry and get it all out.
A/N: And this my friends is the last we see of Luka, promise.