❝how lucky i am to have something
that makes saying goodbye so hard❞
⤷ a.a. milne
△△△
She tried.
She really did, despite what the other campers said.
The pain of losing her best friend was a lot deeper then they realized.
Leo had been the first and only person to ever truly know every part of her. Of course, her friends knew her. But Leo knew her deeper then that. She told him about Tartarus, about her mother, about things that she never dared to tell anyone else.
And he had loved her, despite everything wrong with her. Leo had accepted her for who she was.
He was her first friend she had made at Wilderness School, and the first to leave.
She lost her support, her anchor, her first and only love.
She knew his toothbrush was green. He made his bed every morning while whistling a tune. His favorite color was red. She knew he got carsick whenever he was in the car too long. When he got stressed, he slipped into Spanish. She knew he knew morse code. His eyes were the color of the earth after a rainstorm, a glistening new penny, a warm cup of hot chocolate. She knew his favorite song and his favorite show, and yet, despite all of it, it wasn't enough for the Fates to keep him with her.
So, she reacted in the only way she understood. Anger. Things that she never would have done if he was still there, if she never was a demigod.
She really did try.
It wasn't like she went around stabbing everyone. She just hated everyone for his death as much as she blamed herself.
She blamed herself harshly. She took her anger out on the camp, but deep down she knew it was her fault.
She spent every single minute training. She barely left the training pads, but she didn't dare to train with others, because she didn't know if she could control herself to stop in time.
Even when she wasn't training, she was isolated. She ate dinner after everyone had gone to the campfire and she never slept in her own bed. She slept in Leo's, and everyone was too scared of her to tell her it was against the rules. It was the only way the nightmares were bearable. Of course, they were still horrifying and traumatic, but they were unbearable in the Ares cabin, and all of her cabinmates didn't know how to help her when she woke up screaming and crying.
Many times she regretted not running away. Hestia telling her to stay was her trying to keep her safe and in contact with her friends, but Kira felt like she would be a lot happier alone in the woods somewhere. At least she would have time to grieve alone, without people breathing down her neck.
Her friends tried, as well.
They begged her to try to forgive herself, but deep down they knew it was a lost cause. She had continued to fight alongside the Greeks and Romans instead of helping him defeat Gaea. If she had flown up there with him, maybe he'd be alive.
Sometimes she wondered what it would be like if she died alongside him, or Nico hadn't saved her in time. Sometimes surviving is the worst kind of pain.
She lost count of the days, but Frank and Hazel had already left to return to the Roman camp. They didn't say goodbye to her.
She was sitting in a lush field, and for a panicked second, she thought Gaea had returned, and Leo had died for nothing.
A woman sat in the grass, but somehow Kira knew she wasn't a threat. She was just looking at the grass lovingly.
She walked near her, and the woman looked up. A familiar bronze skin, chocolate eyes and short, curly hair greeted her.
"Aphrodite."
The woman clapped her hands gleefully. Kira didn't share the excitement. She wasn't in the mood to talk to the goddess of love.
"How are you, dear?" Aphrodite asked, growing serious. Her brown eyes bore into Kira.
"It hurts."
"Of course it does." She said, smiling sadly. "The hurt is how you know it was love. The absence you feel is proof that what you had was something that can be lost."
Kira looked to the grass, that didn't look so lush anymore. Not so impressive.
"When does it stop?"
Aphrodite's look turned dark.
"If it was love, it won't."
She sat up in Leo's bed, her cheeks puffy and red yet again. Her nightmares had tormented her that night. Flashbacks from Tartarus, her happiest moment with Leo which had dissolved to glancing into a exploding golden sky.
She straightened her pajamas, which were Leo's old clothes. It still smelled like him, like a warm, cozy fire. It smelled like home, and it was the closest she could get to the boy.
She made her way to the bathrooms at the crack of dawn, waiting until they were empty to enter. She wiped her face with cold water. She looked up, staring at herself in the mirror, with tears in her eyes.
She could barely look at herself. Her eye bags were prominent and dark. Splotchy cheeks, red eyes, pale skin.
And her eyes. Almost none of the campers could look her in the eyes. They were so full of pain and suffering. They always said eyes are the windows of the soul, so it only made sense how miserable they were.
When he had left her, her hazel eyes had turned to a murky brown. Not like Leo's brown eyes, which were a golden, swirling chocolate eyes that she used to get lost in, but a muddy, dark brown. Just like they had during Tartarus, but Leo had fixed her, returning the life to her bright eyes. When he left, he took the light with him.
"C'mon Kira," She whispered to herself, her arms gripping the sink so tight that her knuckles turned white. "You have to be strong."
She figured if she told herself it enough, it would happen.
She splashed her face again to mask her tears.
"Get yourself together, dammit." She hissed, hitting the sink with a closed fist.
Shaking off the dull pain, she walked into the bright sunlight.
Campers walked about, laughing and chatting with their friends. Some played volleyball, other's messed around at the training pads. The entire camp seemed blissfully happy.
She sighed, rubbing her eyes.
Her heart was so tired.
She avoided her friends, who milled about, and made her way to a training pad, alone.
Pulling out a dummy and a sword, she got in a defensive position.
The world had drained her of everything that she had left. They had taken the one thing that had given her the reason to keep fighting.
She sliced her blade in the dummy's shoulder.
She felt like she was drowning in the river she had landed in Tartarus, River Cocytus all over again. She felt the same as when she sunk to the bottom of the river, when she wanted to give up. She had only stayed to be with Leo. She knew that if she met the river again, she'd sink to the bottom and stay there.
"Hey."
Kira internally groaned. "What?" She asked harshly.
She glanced up at her intruder. Nico di Angelo stood alone, balancing on his sword. His skin was still dangerously pale, but he looked a lot better from when he had been freed from the bronze jar.
Nico's expression remained emotionless. "Can we talk?"
Kira held back a scowl. "Sure. What's up, do you need something?"
"I understand the anger." Nico flexed his sword. "I was in a similar situation, you know."
Kira looked up at him, expectingly.
"My sister, Bianca. She died while on a quest with Percy."
Kira took in his words, silently. Sometimes she got so wrapped up in her own pain, it made her feel like she was the only person that suffered. She forgot that the demigods around here had suffered and dealt with death just as much as she did.
"So, uh, I guess I just wanted to tell you that you're not alone. And that friends do help, despite however much you want to be alone."
"Thanks, Nico." Kira managed, biting her lip and put her sword away.
Nico nodded awkwardly, and moved to walk away. It was obvious the girl didn't want to talk, and he didn't want to push her.
"Wait," Kira said, surprising herself. It was the first time her voice hadn't held some kind of anger in it since the incident.
Nico turned, eyebrow cocked.
"I, uh," Kira said. She hesitated, looking to son of Hades. "Tell me about your sister."
Nico looked surprised to hear that, and so did she, to hear that coming from her own lips. But he walked up to her, sitting on the edge of the mat. She sat next to him, and Nico began telling her the story Bianca di Angelo.
Sorry about the sad stuff. I felt horrible writing these chapters, but I think it's a very important part, ya'know? Just wait until you see what I have planned!!! It's gonna be awesome😎
I will be continuing this story through Trials of Apollo! I have a lot of plans for this book, and it definitely doesn't stop here!! To be completely honest, this story is far from over. I'll let you guys know when it gets close to that.