"Oh my god, it's so good to see you!" Shawn says when we pull apart. "Then again,I feel like I just saw you," he said motioning to the giant billboard.
"Ah, right? It's weird, I know," I laugh. My cheeks are burning from smiling so much.
"It's not weird at all, you, you did it," he motioned to my scrubs.
"Neurosurgeon and model, a classic cliche..." I was shrugging.
"Camila, if you looked that up in the dictionary, you would be the farthest thing from the definition of cliche," he grinned. "Let me get you something to eat..please, it's the least I can do," he says wincing at my coffee soaked breakfast now on the sidewalk.
"It's not your fault, I'm running on like.. 4 hours of sleep, I just needed something to hold me over.." I say.
"Oh, right, I'm sorry.. I.. I'm only in town until tomorrow... so.." he begins but I wave him off.
"No worries, I've got time," I smiled and we walked to a bookshop that also, happens to sell coffee. I don't tell him this is one of my favorite places, and instead, order my usual, which he pays for, and I get him coffee, which I pay for. His order is still the same. An iced Americano.
We take a seat and with him now sitting across from me, it feels real now. He's actually here, in the flesh. He's older now, but he still looks the same to me in so many ways.
"So, do you live here?" I ask, it's a valid question. Maybe he's been here for years and this is just the first time we've run into each other?
"No, no, only here until tomorrow, I was here for a book signing.."
"Here, where?" I ask and then he points to a poster in the book shop with his face on it. He's smiling, in a suit, his arms are folded and in front is a book. The title read "What's it worth?"
"You wrote a book?" I hope my astonishment isn't insulting but he laughs.
"Yeah.. it's.. on the New York Times Best Seller List.." he laughed.
"What's.. it about?" I couldn't glean much meaning from the title.
"Well, I ended up taking a long hard look at the world of business ethics in general and while I loved what I did and the CEO world gave me everything, I lost myself along the way. Business is cut throat, every man or woman for themselves. You do whatever it takes to make a profit, even if it means screwing over your customers and the people who are the reason for you success. I quit the company I worked for an ended up traveling all across the United States and I met with people who had started businesses, on their own, with little capital and nothing but a dream. Most of them were family business and they treated their customers, like family. I started wondering why big companies couldn't do the same. So, I wrote this book, which is basically about business ethics and how you can still gain the world and not lose your soul so to speak, even if you do want to be successful. I'm a professor at UC Berkeley now, actually, in the business department."
"Wow, that's.. honestly, that's... impressive!" I couldn't think of what else to say other than, it was impressive.
"Me? Not as impressive as you... you are.. a neurosurgeon..." he laughs and I nod. He's not wrong. I'm aware I'm impressive and yet it doesn't seem to phase him. He still looks at me the same.
"Professor Mendes has a nice ring to it..." I say and speaking of ring, I can't help but notice there's no ring on this finger.
"Thanks. So.. the billboard...?"
"Ah, yes, the billboard. I didn't expect it to be so big and it's only been up for a week, so, it's... yep.. it's there.." I say awkwardly. I'm unsure of what to say now. All other topics of conversation are too close to the elephant in the room that is our ill-fated prior relationship.
"So..." he says.
"So..." I say.
"Listen, I.. I don't know quite how to say this, so I'm just going to say it because I have no idea what else to say, other than I'm.. I'm so sorry for how things ended between us."
And there it was and it was heavy. It hung between like molasses, yet bittersweet.
I nod, "It's... okay. I.. I'm sorry too...you weren't completely at fault for what happened and I know that... now," I say nervously.
Shawn nods and then sips his coffee.
"Listen, I.. I would love to catch up more but I need to get some sleep before my shift tomorrow.." I say
"Any chance you could meet me for dinner tonight? Just... as friends, of course."
"Um..." I thought for a moment.
Screw it.
"Sure, that sounds.. great, I'd love to hear more about your.... adventures," I laugh and he nods. "Me too... I mean...about.. your adventures.. not.. mine," Shawn stammers and somehow I get a glimpse of the nervous Shawn I met in that hotel room all those years ago.
We decide on a time and a place and when I crash in bed, I crash hard.
My brain is a fuzzy mix of the patients I'd been working on and Shawn.
Midway through my dream, I'm awakened by a kiss on my cheek and a familiar scent of cologne.
"Hey baby, sorry, I didn't mean to wake you, I just have to get to the airport and wanted to see you before I left," he says sweetly.
"It's okay, I'll miss you," I turn over and yawn.
"Get some rest, I'll call you when I land," he says tenderly and kisses me once more before he's out the door.
Luka has been my boyfriend for a little over two years now. He's a photographer, which is, coincidentally, how I met him. He was always very professional and polite and if I'm honest, I'm the one who pursued him and he finally gave in after months of flirting and courtship. He's so sweet, and kind, and I love how he's so passionate about what he does. Even in my own photo shoots, everything he asks me to do is deliberate. He has a way of bringing out the best in me and my favorite thing about him is how he gets the best shots when I'm not even trying. He took the photo that is now on the billboard in Time Square and he claims it's his greatest masterpiece.
Luka owns a photo studio in Manhattan, but right now, he's on his way to Milan to shoot for Paris Fashion week. I opted out of participating because as much as I loved modeling, my career, came first.
While he doesn't know about Shawn, he knows there was someone before him. I didn't even think there was an after Shawn until I met him to be honest and slowly, he helped me put the pieces back together that I thought were broken. It was with him that I learned to listen, instead of react. It was with him that I learned not to be so impulsive, and it was him who helped me get clean after a relapse with cocaine, a drug that, for some reason, was my Kryptonite.
Luka's name means bringer of light and in so many ways he illuminated all the places I kept dark.
It was with him that I tried to fix all the things I'd done wrong with Shawn and it was with him that I felt the safest.... that was until, this morning when I was in his arms again.
Still, there were so many things Luka didn't know. I didn't tell him of my former life, as a sex worker, because the details, I feared would scare him away. So I kept that part of my life hidden away and it was okay because by now it was just a distant memory.. almost like a different life, even.
I slept more and at 10, met Shawn at a small restaurant I knew well. I didn't tell Luka because he was on a flight, but I'd tell him later about having dinner with an old friend.
I didn't even tell Sofia, who I knew had mixed feelings about Shawn.
We talked, like old friends, and we drank wine, like old friends, and then, we found ourselves, kissing... not at all like old friends.
We were buzzed, not drunk, so blaming it on the alcohol was a cop out.
He wanted me and I could feel it. I wanted him, and I knew just one taste would send me into overdrive. We craved what we couldn't have. We craved everything we'd lost.
His lips on mine, took me to places I'd only ever dared to visit in my dreams. His hands were gentle and exploratory, and I was the one who took us off the deep end when I sank down on his length, letting him fill me completely. He filled the parts of me I couldn't find in Luka. He filled all the tiny cracks from when I put myself back together again. He filled the spaces he'd once broken with ease and finesse.
I knew the feeling of him inside me was so much more than nostalgia. I knew that everytime our bodies collided, I felt like I couldn't breathe and neither could he. I knew it meant nothing and everything all at once.
The hotel room was dim enough so I could see his facial features as he caressed my skin, and took me to paradise with his tongue. Even after all these years, he knew exactly what to do to make me unravel in his arms. He knew exactly where to touch to make me clench. He knew exactly how I needed him.
Jello.
I was like Jello in his arms.
Trembling, shaking, and moaning beneath him as he thrusted into me with such intention and determination. My mind went blank. I thought of nothing but the way I fit perfectly around him.
I don't remember how or when we fell asleep but when I woke up, I looked at the mess I'd made and it broke me all over again. It felt like a relapse in so many ways.
Shawn was the cocaine. I was the all too willing victim of my own impulsivity.
I felt like tiny pieces of a cup that I never could quite put back together again as hard as I tried.
Leaving him in that room alone, was the only thing I could do.
Shawn's POV
I woke up and searched for her but the bed was empty and cold, not at all like the space in my heart all these years after I'd lost her. I sat up and picked up the note on the bedside table
I'm so sorry to leave you like this.
Take care,
C
"Take care.." I read aloud. It sounded cold and impersonal. It felt like a knife had stabbed me in the heart. The girl who had been beneath me I knew had to have felt what I felt and this was how she left me.
My mind drifted to the night before, as I sat in bed where our crime of passion had unfolded. There was longing and desire, nostalgia, and an uninhibited display of what we were... or.. rather what we'd been.
"Take care.." I said these words again to myself as I laid down on the sheets where she'd been. I could still smell her. It was like a distant memory... almost like.. a dream, only it was real.
For the second time in my life, I'd lost her and as I sat on the airplane, miles above the earth, I couldn't help but feel like maybe we weren't meant to break at all.
Or maybe, I just couldn't see clearly, because my thoughts were fuzzy and the memory of her lips on mine after so many years was a stark reminder of what I'd broken.
How could I fix this?
Was it even possible?
Author's note: Look what you made me do.