~Astra~
My vision was blurring with tears as I stumbled down the passage. I nearly knocked Albus over when I reached the circle of runes. He grabbed my arms to steady me, but was peering past me into the darkness. "Where's Wren?"
I shook my head. When I opened my mouth to explain, the only thing that came out was a sob. Albus stared at me for a moment, uncomprehending. A blink, then something broke behind his eyes. I saw tears forming, then he shook his head. "We've got to go."
After easily the roughest apparating I'd ever experienced, we slammed into the Potters' back steps and went sprawling in different directions. I rolled over and threw up in the flower bed.
When I was finally able to sit up straight again, Albus was a few meters away, in the garden. He was waving his wand and muttering, and a soft mist seemed to be coming out of his wand and enveloping the whole property. The stars twinkled a little more than normal through what looked like a giant bubble all around us. It would've been beautiful, if I'd been in any state to appreciate its beauty.
When Albus finally turned back around, he looked remarkably pale. He wavered a bit coming back to the steps, but made it to the door all right. The blood in his hairline was trickling down his forehead, starkly red against the white. He hardly seemed to notice. "Are you okay?" he asked in a hushed tone.
I nodded automatically. If by okay he meant not going to throw up again, I guess I was okay. In every other sense of the word, though, I was the furthest thing from it. Albus pursed his lips and fumbled for the doorknob, and I got the feeling he understood.
We walked into the dark, quiet kitchen. It was as cozy and safe as always, even with the lights off, but something was different. I'd spent so many happy evenings here with the Potters, but I couldn't remember it ever feeling so dark and empty. I suppose I'd never actually been alone at their house before. Maybe it was just the knowledge that Mr. Potter would never be here again making everything feel weird. And it's my fault.
Albus switched on the light, bathing the room in sterile, white light that hurt my eyes and reminded me a little too much of the basement at the manor. After a moment, Albus said, "There might be some lamps in the closet."
"It's fine," I said, my voice smaller than I was expecting. "I mean, unless you want."
He blinked a few times, then shrugged. He slowly sat down at the kitchen table. "I guess it doesn't matter."
"No," I echoed. I sank into a seat across from him. "You're bleeding."
Albus reached up to touch his head with a very mechanical motion. He pulled his hand back, blood staining his fingers. For a moment, he stared at it as if trying to figure out what it was. "I'm fine," he said finally.
We lapsed into silence. I could hear the clock in the hallway, ticking away the seconds, taking us further and further away from everything that had happened. I wished it would take my mind away from it all. Because when I closed my eyes, I could still see my spell hitting Mr. Potter. I could still see Wren pleading with me from the other side of the barrier. I could hear it all as clearly as if it were all still happening. I just wanted to forget.
Albus was staring into the distance. I could only see his profile, but that was enough to notice him blinking rapidly every so often, to notice the ragged breaths he was trying to control, to notice him swallowing hard as if shoving down the urge to cry. I had to look down. I didn't even know how to console someone whose parents had died in something completely unrelated to me. How do you apologize for killing your best friend's father?
"What happened to Wren?" Albus asked in a hoarse voice. He was nearly whispering, but it seemed so loud in the silence that I jumped. I looked up to find him staring at me. There was nothing angry or accusing in his eyes, which made me want to cry even more. I needed him to not forgive me for this. This was all my fault. I needed him to agree.
I managed to open my mouth; a monumental task, given the circumstances. "A barrier. Like the one we saw with Mr. Weasley. It crashed down right between us."
"She's still alive, then?" Albus perked up a little, and I realized with a pang that I hadn't even managed to tell him that.
"For now," I said, nodding. "I..." I shook my head. Could I even say what she'd asked me to do out loud? Could I admit I was too weak to help her? "I can't believe I let her come..."
"I'm the one who was arguing for her coming," Albus said, shaking his head. "You wanted her to stay, remember?"
"I should've known. I did know. I knew something bad would happen to her, and I ignored it."
"You ignored it because I convinced you to." Albus bit his lip. "It's all right. You can admit it. It's my fault."
I blinked and glanced up at him in surprise. "Your fault? How on earth is this your fault?"
His lip was quivering. "I... Astra, this was all my idea," he said. His voice wavered a little as he spoke. "None of this would've happened if I'd just thought. If I'd listened to you, or Wren. I definitely shouldn't have run ahead, and left you two behind..."
Was he out of his mind? This being his idea didn't make it his fault. For a moment, I just stared at him. He was looking down at the table now. His eyes were watery, and he squeezed them closed.
"Albus, listen to me," I said in the steadiest voice I could muster. "This isn't your fault."
He winced. "Astra..."
"No, I'm serious." I shook my head. "For one thing, I was just as involved in planning this as you were. Even if it was your idea, I agreed and helped. So at the very least, it's both of our faults, there. But it's really not your fault at all. None of it..." I blinked, my eyes brimming up now. My voice was hardly audible. "I'm the one who couldn't throw off that curse..."
Albus's head whipped up so quickly that I jumped. There were still tears in his eyes, but he seemed to have forgotten about them for a moment as he gave me a serious look. "You did not kill my dad. Don't think like that. That absolutely wasn't your fault."
I swallowed down a sob. "Al, I should've been able to... should've fought it off..."
"Nico Jasper killed my dad," Albus said. "He used you to do it, but it wasn't your fault. If anything, it's amazing that you lasted as long as you did." He deflated a little. "Dad would be proud of you."
I wanted to believe him. But Albus didn't how close I'd come, and how I still hadn't been strong enough in the end. I reached up to wipe a tear away, though they were falling now, faster than I could do anything about. I just put my head in my arms, on the table.
It might have been an hour, or maybe just a few minutes later, but eventually I heard the kitchen door open. I jumped up and reached for my wand, but it was just Mrs. Potter. Albus, who had also jumped up at the sound of the door being unlocked, ran at her, hugging her before she had time to close the door. Even though he was several inches taller than her, he was the one who looked small, crying into her shoulder. She patted his back and whispered something that sounded soothing. I sank back into my seat, wishing Aunt Andromeda or Teddy or Victoire were here.
"Where's Wren?"
I winced, and looked down at the table as Mrs. Potter walked over to me. She put her arm around my shoulder, and even though I felt like I didn't deserve to, I leaned into her embrace.
"Wren got caught," Albus said, his voice hoarse again. He had sat down again, at the head of the table. "We shouldn't have brought her..."
"We shouldn't have come at all," I said softly.
Mrs. Potter patted my shoulder. "We can't change the past. There's no use worrying about what should have been done." She sounded so tired that I looked up; though she was smiling sadly at both of us, there was something deep in her eyes that I'd never seen before. Something sorrowful, and hurt, and dark.
She was studying both of us, it felt like. Making sure we weren't hurt, I guess. "Albus, what happened to your head?"
"Oh. Stillens threw me into a wall."
Mrs. Potter pressed her lips together, then walked over to the kitchen sink. There was a cloth hanging next to it, which she ran some water over. When she came back, she gently pressed it against Albus's head. "I think you'll be all right," she said softly. "We can make sure in a little while, all right?" He nodded automatically, though I couldn't tell if he'd really heard her or not.
Again, there was silence. Mrs. Potter brushed her hand over the back of Albus's head, and smiled at me such a sad and motherly way that I wanted to cry even more.
"I'm sorry," I said softly. "This is all our fault. My fault."
She shook her head. "Neither of you could have known what this night would bring. If you had, you wouldn't have done it. It's not your fault."
"But... Dad..." Albus's voice broke, and he buried his face in his hands.
Mrs. Potter ran her hand through his hair. "I know." She pursed her lips and closed her eyes, and I looked away again, feeling like I was intruding on something.
"I'm sure you're both exhausted," she said after a few moments. "Probably in shock, too." I glanced at Albus, who was staring at the table and didn't seem to notice the tears on his face. "Listen to me," Mrs. Potter said, sitting down between us. "I know Harry would have said this too. This isn't your fault. None of it. The DA underestimated Stillens, and that has nothing to do with you."
"You wouldn't have been there if it wasn't for us," I said dully.
"We would've been there eventually," she said. She sighed heavily, and it felt like she wasn't just trying to cheer us up and lie to us because we were too young to understand. This was all too real and heavy for that. "It probably wouldn't have gone well then, either. Neville's trying to figure out how to spin this right now, but..." She closed her eyes and shook her head. "I don't know."
Albus reached up to pull the cloth off his head. It had been pink originally, but now it was stained red with far too much blood. At least it looked like the bleeding had slowed down. "I'm sorry," he said softly, looking down at the cloth instead of at his mum.
"Oh, no, darling, don't be." Mrs. Potter took Albus's hand. "It's not your fault. Please don't take on guilt for this. It was a tragedy, but it wasn't your fault." She glanced at me, eyes filled with concern. "This is a war. Tragedies happen. People die. And it's painful and horrible. You've both already seen too many things that could haunt you for the rest of your life, things that I wish I could've protected you from. But if you let yourself feel like any of it is your fault, the guilt will eat you alive. Never forget that Stillens is the one causing all of this. Not you."
Albus gave his mom a small smile, and I felt a rush of relief that he seemed to be listening. I couldn't believe her for myself, though. Mrs. Potter didn't know what happened. She didn't know what I could have done.
"Astra, are you listening to me?"
I glanced up quickly. I could feel my face flushing and tears welling up once again. "I... Sorry. I don't think you get it."
Mrs. Potter tilted her head slightly. "What don't I get?"
Albus was shaking his head at me, and I looked away quickly. "Nico Jasper put me under the imperius curse. I wasn't strong enough to throw him off. I tried, I swear. I did. But I couldn't do it." I was cut off from further explanation by a sob. Mrs. Potter reached out to stroke my hair or something, but I pulled back, shaking my head. "I killed him. I wasn't strong enough to resist. I should have been, but I wasn't."
"I know many adult witches and wizards who can't throw that spell off, Astra," Mrs. Potter said quietly. "I've heard Nico Jasper is better at that spell than your average wizard, as well. He was using you. It's not your fault."
"But..." I wiped at my face, though it seemed like a waste of time, considering the tears were overflowing faster than I could stop them.
"What do you think would have happened if you'd thrown the curse off, Astra?" Her voice was gentle, though the mixture of love and deep sadness in her eyes was making me want to cry harder.
"I... I don't know..." I took a shaky breath, swallowing down another sob. "Stillens would've made Nico try again, I guess."
"That's a good possibility," Mrs. Potter said, nodding seriously. "He would've worn you down eventually. And that's not your fault. You were put in an impossible situation and used as a weapon against your will, precisely because Stillens knew you would blame yourself." She took my hand. "Astra, Harry knew there was a chance he wouldn't come back out of that room, and he went anyway because he was willing to sacrifice himself for you and Albus and Wren. He chose that. It's what parents do. Don't blame yourself for it."
I looked down. I didn't feel any better, but I supposed it wouldn't help much to let them know that. With so much tragedy tonight, I didn't want them to be worrying about me, too.
"Do you think Wren will be okay?" Albus asked in a hoarse voice. "The DA can save her, right?"
That sounded like an incredibly flimsy hope to me. Still, I glanced up at Mrs. Potter to see what she would say. I desperately wanted there to be an easy answer to this, though I knew there couldn't be. I wanted her to say that there were already people working on that, already people heading back to rescue our friend and fix at least one of the horrible things we'd caused.
Mrs. Potter was blinking quickly, though. She took a shaky breath. "I... I don't think we can, no."
"But..." Albus blinked. Tears were welling up in his eyes again. "We can't just leave her."
"We'll do everything we can, Alby," she said softly. "But Stillens isn't stupid. He's not going to let her go very easily, not after she's already escaped once."
I swallowed hard; my throat was feeling very tight, and the tears in my eyes were threatening to spill over again. I hadn't known I had that many tears in my body. "I watched them catch her. I couldn't do anything. It was horrible."
Mrs. Potter squeezed my hand. "Oh, I'm so sorry," she said softly. "It's not your fault, Astra."
"She asked me to kill her," I whispered. "She was begging me to. And I couldn't do it." I looked up at Mrs. Potter, trying my hardest not to cry, even though my voice kept breaking and there were tears on my face now. "Should I have been able to?"
For a moment, I thought she was going to cry, too. If possible, there was something even more shattered than before in the eyes that met mine. Then she closed her eyes and took a deep breath. She shook her head and opened her eyes again, motherly comfort back again. "No, darling. It's all right. Wren was desperate, and she panicked and asked for something desperate. But I think she would also understand why you couldn't do that. That's too much to ask of you."
Albus was staring at me with wide eyes. He was gripping the red and pink cloth in his hand so tightly that his knuckles were white. Fear and horror flickered across his face. Slowly, he glanced at his mum. "Will it really be that bad?"
Mrs. Potter didn't meet either of our eyes. "Probably."
"Do you think she's going to die?" I asked, my voice barely audible.
She shook her head. "I think Stillens will see the value of the information she might have. As long as she doesn't break, he'll keep her alive."
"How long can she go without breaking?" Albus asked.
It took a moment for Mrs. Potter to answer. She studied the table, and I looked away, not sure I wanted to know what she was thinking. Finally, she sighed and looked up. "I have no idea."
That was worse. I wanted Mrs. Potter to comfort us, to tell us everything would be fine. Not this. The truth. I didn't want the truth. I wanted to believe Wren would be okay, the DA would win this war, and everything would turn out all right. I wanted this to be the lowest point. It couldn't get worse. It had to get better from here, right?
But it wouldn't. Mr. Potter was dead, along with countless others. Wren was gone, probably being tortured already. There was nothing we could do.
"Are we going to lose?" Albus asked.
Mrs. Potter hesitated. "We can't give up hope, Albus."
"Hope for the impossible seems like foolish hope," he said, his frown darkening as he spoke.
"It's not impossible," Mrs. Potter said sharply. "Foolish hope has won many wars. Don't give it up. We'll keep fighting. We'll keep getting back up when we're knocked down, and standing up against Stillens."
"What if it's all pointless?" Albus asked. "If Stillens can overwhelm the whole DA, aren't we all just going to die eventually if we keep fighting?"
"Would you prefer we stopped?"
"Of course not..." Albus looked down.
Mrs. Potter gave me a questioning glance, and I looked away, too. I wasn't sure I wanted her to know I'd been thinking the same thing.
I heard her sigh. "You're both too young for this, and I'm sorry. I wish I could change it. But the fact is that you both will have to decide very soon if the hope of a better world is worth dying for. I wish I could tell you it'll be easy, that we'll have the war won by Christmas and everyone will be safe and happy again. I wish I could tell you that you'll both make it to see when Stillens is finally defeated. But this is a war, and the reality is that none of that is guaranteed. You both have to choose whether a better world for others is worth sacrificing yourself." She paused and I glanced up. She was smiling sadly at both of us. "Wren made that choice already, a while ago. I wish she hadn't had to, and I wish it hadn't come to the point where that choice would be tested, but that's the place we're at. You two can't do anything about what's happened. You can't make all the horrible things in the world go away by ignoring them. All you can do is decide whether you want to stand up for what's right and risk yourselves, or let evil win."
I met Albus's eyes briefly, and couldn't tell what was going on behind them. I looked away, a little afraid of what he might see in mine. The thing was, I was so tired. Tired of fighting, of losing people, of watching it happen. I was tired of all of it.
But I couldn't stop. I was angry enough at Stillens that I wanted to destroy him out of spite. I wanted to personally be the one who killed him. I wanted him to look me in the eyes and be afraid.
I didn't want any of this. I didn't ask for this. But life had thrown it all at me anyway, and if I thought about it for more than two seconds I knew I didn't have a choice. If the DA was a sinking ship, I would go down with it rather than let Stillens win. Like I'd told him to his face: even if he won eventually, I would do everything in my power to make it as hard as possible.
Mrs. Potter shifted a little. "We need to get both of you back to Hogwarts. As far as I know, Kimmel doesn't know you're missing yet, which is probably best. No one needs to know you were here tonight."
"What about Wren?" I asked.
"We'll figure that out," Mrs. Potter said, shaking her head. "We'll see what Mr. Longbottom wants to do, all right? I promise, you'll both know anything as soon as possible."
She had us Floo back to the Hog's Head. Mr. Macmillan was waiting for us there, and he escorted us back to the edge of the grounds. There, Haverna took over. Neither of them said much, which was fine. I was relieved to not get a lecture from our professor, honestly; I wouldn't have put it past her.
She led us up to her office instead of the common room, which made sense as soon as she'd opened the door and James nearly knocked Albus off his feet with one of the only hugs I'd ever seen him give his brother. "Don't you dare do something like that ever again," James said, his voice muffled in Albus's hair.
Colette was hugging me by then, saying similar things, and then it was Ciara, who was actually a surprise to see. I hugged them tightly, not caring at all that they were both scolding me (together). I was so happy to see them again, that they were okay, that at least a few things were still safe right now.
"Do... do you know what happened?" Albus asked slowly.
"Of course." Colette held up Wren's mirror. "Serious question: are you both out of your mind?"
"Now isn't the time, Colette," Haverna said, putting a hand on her shoulder.
I glanced around the little group gathered in Haverna's office. "How did... I mean, you must have found Wren's note?"
"A lucky break." James looked down. "She was hinting really hard, and I didn't pick up on any of it."
"To be fair, I didn't either," Colette said. "If Ciara hadn't come by..."
I raised an eyebrow, turning to my cousin, who flushed a little. "I saw Nico Jasper sneaking out a couple hours ago. Wren hadn't said anything about having to report tonight, and I just wanted to see if she was okay..."
"I told Ciara that I hadn't seen Wren since the three of you had left, and you two had been acting a little weird, but you're always acting weird so I didn't think anything of it," James explained. "She's the one who insisted I go upstairs and see if Wren had been trying to tell me something. We found her note, and Colette found the mirror while I ran off for Dad." His jaw tightened, and for a moment I thought he was going to break down. He didn't, though; just closed his eyes and took a deep breath. "The DA took it from there, I guess."
I exchanged a glance with Albus, who looked slightly sick to his stomach. "I'm really sorry," I whispered. "We didn't mean for any of this to happen."
James shook his head. "It's not your fault. I mean... yeah, you did drag my girlfriend there, and now..." He closed his eyes again for a moment and took a deep, if shaky, breath. Then he shook his head once more. "You didn't mean for any of this to happen. It's not your fault."
Ciara took my hand. "I'm really proud of you, Astra. You did really well with that curse, given the circumstances. Don't feel bad."
"You're both idiots," Colette said. Haverna raised a warning eyebrow, and she looked down. "I'm very glad you're all right, though."
"All right, I think that's enough." Haverna stood up. "Astra and Albus need some rest." She gave each of us a very serious look. "Remember, none of this happened. Don't talk about it with anyone else. Don't talk about it in public. If you need a moment before school is out, my office is always open, all right?"
"What about Poppy?" Albus asked faintly as Haverna started shooing us out. "We helped her brother escape."
Haverna paused. "We'll see about her. For now, sleep."
Ciara walked back to the Gryffindor common room with us, then James ended up walking her back to the Slytherin common room. There weren't any other students still awake thankfully. I hardly managed to get out a "good night" to Albus at the foot of the stairs.
Colette and I walked up in silence. Just before I'd opened the door to our dorm, she caught hold of my arm. As I turned, she let it drop. My mouth almost dropped open with it; there were actual tears in her eyes. She blinked, seeming annoyed at that, then shook her head. "Do you... do you think if James and I had been a little quicker, Mr. Potter would have been able to get to you on time?"
There was no way she was blaming herself for this. I took a deep breath, my throat tightening with the urge to cry for what must have been the millionth time that night. With a shake of my head, I said, "Colette, you can't do that to yourself. You and James absolutely did everything right. You can't wonder what might have been different. It'll destroy you."
Colette looked down and nodded, though she didn't seem further from tears. "Right. I'm sorry."
"No, don't be." I resisted the urge to hug her. I knew she wouldn't appreciate it right now. "This is..." I shook my head. "I don't know. Everything is all wrong."
With a sigh, Colette nodded. "Yeah." She glanced up at me. "Are you doing all right?"
No use in lying. I shook my head. "Not really." She didn't seem surprised. I shrugged. "I don't really want to talk about it."
"That's all right," she said. A small smile, then, "If you do, eventually, I'm here."
With that, she reached past me to open the door. It was dark inside, the only sound being the quiet breathing of Rose, Lacy, and Iris. I tiptoed across the room, trying not to look at Wren's empty bed. I got ready for bed almost mechanically, trying not to think, trying not to remember any of the things I knew I would be dreaming about that night.
And when I was finally in bed, safely hidden beneath the covers and a muffliato charm, I cried harder than I'd ever cried in my life. And when I finally fell asleep, I cried through my dreams.
~~~~
One chapter left, and I just remember I have to do some face claims in the Author's Note because I said I would and that's overwhelming.
Question of the Day: What's your hottest take about this series? (For those who don't know, a hot take is a controversial or unpopular opinion).
Answer: Hot take, but Marcus Dillam did absolutely nothing wrong before he cheated on his girlfriend and doesn't deserve any of the hate he gets in Champions lol. The Spark Marcus hate? Totally valid. He's an absolute piece of crap. But in Champions he was literally just a boy with a crush who actually had the guts to act on it. It's not his fault that someone else also had a crush on her (and didn't have the guts to act on it).
Vote and comment!
~Elli
Word count: 4592