The day had just begun, but I was already ready for it to end. I guess Mondays just had that effect on you.
Sluggishly trudging up the steps to school, I took my time. My head was filled with confusing, conflicting emotions. It was the whole ‘should I tell my parents or not’ debate going at it in my head again.
The last time I saw Leah, I told her I had every intention to come out to my parents - and soon. But it’s now the beginning of the week. I was starting to worry about whether I’ll ever get the courage to tell them.
There were students gathered in loose groups on the steps and I had to sidestep a few of those who stupidly chose to sit right in the middle of the path. I spotted a few of my soccer friends to the side and gave them a friendly wave. I couldn’t say I was absolutely close with every player on the team, but I do make an effort to build and maintain an easy-going bond with all of them. It’s how we get far in the championships every year.
The rhythmic thump under each footfall turned into occasional squeaks as my vans met the linoleum floors of the hallways. Chattering bounced off the walls of the moderately filled corridor and I let the sounds fade into the background as I focused on my set goal.
Quickly getting to my locker, I dropped off my gym bag and gathered the books I needed before closing it and making my way further into the school, hoping Leah was already there. When I spotted her dirty blonde head of hair by her locker, I quickened my stride and announced my presence by casually letting my hand slide across her hip and lower back before dropping it. I stopped on her other side and smiled when she turned to see me.
“Oh, hey!” A look of relief crossed her eyes as her grin appeared. “For a split second, I thought it was some creep putting their hands on me. Should’ve known better,” Leah chuckled.
“Aren’t you glad I’m so much better than some random creep? Sexier too,” I smirked and winked subtly. I liked to think my winks were hot, but I really couldn’t tell. Gia once said it looked like some uncontrollable facial twitch I needed to fix.
“Much sexier indeed,” Leah mumbled softly as her gaze flickered down to my plump lips. I bit my lower lip at that. Turns out my wink wasn’t as bad as Gia had said…
“Anyways,” I cleared my throat as I suddenly remembered the reason why I was looking for her, lowering my voice, “I spent the whole weekend trying to tell my parents, but…”
“You couldn’t do it,” my girlfriend finished for me, the corner of her lips turning down in sympathy. I nodded, disheartened.
The disappointment I held for myself was apparent. Raking my fingers through my hair, I sighed. “I don’t know why. I was so close to saying it, so many times…”
“I think it’s how everyone feels before they come out,” my girlfriend said softly. “there’s this…very scary moment before it happens - and the thing is, we have to figure out how to get past it in our own way.” When I stayed quiet and kept my gaze focused on my shoes, she let out a breath and decided to take another approach. “Look, when I came out, I remembered I was eleven. Landon was leaving the house for college and I was crying so bad. Before he could step out of the house, I blurted out the words ‘I like girls’ and he stopped.”
Leah let out a laugh as she remembered the day. “For some reason, I wanted him to be there when I told my family. He helped me get over my fear. You just have to find that thing – that reason for why you want to tell them and focus on that. Keep repeating it in your mind until you’ve said the words.”
I brought my eyes to focus on her warm hazels, letting her firm assurance and confidence calm my nerves. My lips curved into a small smile as I nodded weakly. “You always know just the right thing to say.”
She canted her head and grinned. “It’s my superpower.”
I playfully rolled my eyes. “I wish I had an older sibling that could come out before me.”
“Why would you want that?”
I heard a voice say behind me, making me jump at the suddenness. I forgot we were in the hallways at school, waiting for class to start. Turning around, I found my red-headed best friend standing there with that usual mischievous smile on her face. Zach stood beside her with his boyish smile. A brow of mine rose higher than the other.
“Dude, a little warning next time?”
“Nah,” Gia said simply, pushing in to stand by us to form a little circle as Zach joined too. “So, what’s this about Aly wanting a gay older sibling?”
I shushed her and tipped my head back in feigned annoyance as Leah giggled. “She wants someone in her family to have gone through coming out, so she’d have an idea of how they’d react, like I did.” Gia’s mouth formed an ‘o’ shape.
“I want that,” Zach muttered with a pout.
Gia rubbed her chin in a way that made it seem like she was stroking an imaginary beard. “I see. Sorry that you don’t have an older gay sibling, Aly. But if you really want to see how they might react, you can play that song from that artist you told me about - what’s her name? Ah! Girl in red. Yeah, play one of her songs in the living room and see how it goes.”
“No way in hell,” I dismissed straight away and groaned helplessly. “Anything else?”
“Make a video of you coming out and show it to your parents like you see those Youtubers do.”
“No.”
Gia threw up her hands as if to say, ‘I give up’. Zach, on the other hand, seemed hard in thought.
“If I were to come out, I’d say it to the parent I felt most comfortable with first. The one that’s more likely to be okay with it – aka, my mom. Then I could go to the other, knowing I had her support. Start with just one first, y’ know?”
There was a pause as all of us were surprised by the genuinely helpful and practical suggestion. “I think that was the best one,” I mumbled. Zach grinned proudly.
“Hello, peeps.” Ashton made his presence known just then, greeting everyone. “What are y’all talking about?”
“Nothing!” Zach blurted out, his voice cracking at the end. I cocked a brow at that.
“O-okay…” Ash trailed off, confused.
Leah came to the sandy-blonde’s rescue. “Class is gonna start soon, so we should all head off.”
“You heard the president of the student council. Hurry up or she’ll bring us to the principal’s office for being late,” Gia teased, snickering as she avoided the light punch Leah sent her way. The two of them started their way down the hall, bickering.
Ashton narrowed those sea-green eyes of his but ended up following their lead. He soon grew out of earshot.
I fell back to match Zach’s pace. “What was that?” He shrugged with forced nonchalance in response.
“It’s nothing.”
I gave him a flat look, not buying his crap for a second. “Zach.”
The boy sighed. “I’ve just never found a time to tell him about me. I don’t want him finding out like that.”
“Zach, you’re making this a bigger deal than it is. He’ll be just fine with it, I swear. I doubt even the crush you had on him would change things…”
“Well, I doubt things would stay completely the same.”
“Okay, maybe not one hundred percent the same, then. But pretty close. Look, this was what we were talking about. You’ve told me, so now you gotta tell the other. Ash is our friend, Z. I’m here for you, always.”
His lips straightened into a thin line, shoulders tensed, and eyes glazed in thought. But he nodded, nonetheless. It was his way of saying he was grateful for saying what I said. I nudged his shoulder playfully in response - my way of saying no problem at all.
Soon, he parted from me to join Ashton for English, and I sped up into a jog to catch up to Leah walking ahead. Skilfully weaving between people, I got to her side in no time and clasped her hand briefly in mine, under the cover of the crowd. “Hey.”
She smiled brightly at the sight of me, but a hint of concern remained. “Hey! You talked to Zach?”
“Yeah. He’s fine. I just wanted to talk to him about Ash.”
She nodded thoughtfully and continued ahead as I accompanied her, with my class just by hers.
As I let my gaze wander over the heads of the crowd, I spotted a particular face that stood out.
Charles was staring at us from the intersection ahead, standing to the side as his brown eyes didn’t stray elsewhere. Leah didn’t seem to notice, but I met his gaze and held it, curiously wondering about what was going on in his head.
When we were drawing near, he turned and left down the left corridor and I furrowed my brows. I was too far away to read the expression on his face, and for some reason, that bothered me.
I had no clue what that was all about.
______________________
The day dragged on tortuously; a quirk to Mondays that I never appreciated. Each class seemed longer than the last, with homework piling up to be dealt with later. I planned to deal with it much later.
Chemistry class with Leah and Ashton was the only fun part of the day, surprisingly. Since my best friend’s lab partner was absent today, he joined our group instead to conduct the assigned experiment. With two chemistry geniuses on my team, I really wasn’t needed to do any work. I stirred some random conical flask just to seem like I was doing something in case the teacher ever looked over.
The write up was easily finished by the three of us, and we ended up being the first team done. As we spent the remainder of the class chatting, Leah, at one point, decided that she was bored enough to doodle in pen. On my arm.
“I think this is the best one out of all of them,” Leah said proudly as she finished off the flying birds' silhouettes near my elbow. The rest of her drawings consisted of a big blob on my upper arm that was supposed to be a ‘delicate feather’, a simplistic lotus flower at my wrist, and the words ‘property of L’ in neat calligraphy running down my inner forearm. The last one was a joke that Ash suggested Leah write.
Damn that bugger.
The boy himself was busy finishing up a cute Pikachu drawing on my right arm, that admittedly looked rather accurate.
“Guys, I have soccer practise after this. I’m gonna have to wash most of these off,” I said, causing pouts to appear on their sad faces.
“You can’t just wash off Pikachu. I spent so much time on him!”
“It was only ten minutes.”
My girlfriend whined next. “You can’t wash off these two,” she demanded as she pointed at the birds and the writing. I rolled my eyes but nodded reluctantly in agreement.
“Pikachu stays or I’m not hosting that victory party after your championship win!” Ash threatened, his face hilariously serious.
“Alright! Geez, you guys and your doodles…”
I made my way to the sink and rubbed off most of Leah’s drawings, laughing internally when I saw the frown on her face as she watched.
The bell soon rang, and we were let out of the cages we called classrooms. I waved bye to the two of them as Leah went to attend her student council meeting and Ash went to head back home.
I got to my locker and grabbed my gym bag, throwing it over my shoulder and making my way to the changing rooms at a slow pace. As I rolled my shoulders to help with the stiffness, I thought I saw the eyes of a duo following me as I walked by, but when I glanced at them, they were just talking amongst themselves. I shrugged it off and headed to change.
Entering the locker room, I said my greetings to the team and quickly got changed, ready to shoot some balls really hard into a net.
I got on my cleats and headed out to do the warmups. Some of the girls were already there doing the stretches, and so I joined them on the ground.
“That’s such a cute Pikachu! Who drew it?” Lindsey asked as she stretched her limbs beside me.
“Ashton. Pikachu is the only thing he knows how to draw, though,” I chuckled.
I saw Lindsey’s eyes narrow as she focused on my other arm. “What does that say? Property of-”
“Nope, nothing,” I yelped and rubbed my thumb against the last letter, smudging it and leaving it indiscernible.
“Oh, come on. Why can’t I know? It’s gotta just be your boyfriend.”
“I don’t have a boyfriend.”
“Sure. Although a tad objectifying, who else can you be a property of-”
I got up on my feet and cut her off. “I’m gonna go shoot some balls. See ya!”
With that, I left her on the side-lines, and she sat there calling me names as I cackled away.
Practise started and we buckled down to focus as the looming date of the finals drew near to remind us of the stakes at hand. As Coach Ackerman pushed the girls from the side-lines, I pushed them from midfield. We had to be connecting, communicating and seamless on the day, but right now, we still had areas to improve.
My concentration fell solely onto the game as every other thought faded away. My keen vision spotted every error we needed to correct and every missed opportunity the girls should’ve taken. I knew I was being extra hard on them today, but I knew without it, the team would suffer in the end.
We reached near the end of practice and it was starting to wind down, but we weren’t done yet.
On the other side of the field, I saw a trio of my teammates huddled together and whispering, probably gossiping. I recognised them as Kacey, Grace and April. They were shooting glances my way and I felt frustration start to build up in me, like a fire ready to explode.
“Are you girls going to just stand there, or play?!” I yelled at them. They stopped what they were doing and returned to their positions, but the glances didn’t stop. I shoved the irritating sensation aside and concentrated on the task at hand.
When Coach called for the end of practice, my shoulder dropped in relief. That session was intense, and I was so ready to leave for today.
I waved bye to a few of the girls in the locker room, heading straight back out as I couldn’t bother to shower there.
Getting into Logan, I made the short drive home and showered in the comfort of my own bathroom. When I was in a fresh shirt and shorts, I wandered around the house to see who was here.
Mom occupied the study, like usual, and Addy was sat on the dinner table drawing on scrap pieces of paper. Her doodling reminded me of the pen tattoos on my arms and I looked down to examine them.
My shower hadn’t done much damage to them as I avoided rubbing those spots too much, and I smiled as my eyes traced the leftover ink. Admittedly, the birds and Pikachu really were cute.
I returned to my room and reluctantly started on the homework given out today, albeit without much conviction. My thoughts eventually drifted off to the conversation I had with the group this morning.
Zach had said he would tell the parent more likely to accept him first before going to tell the other, and I thought it wasn’t a half-bad strategy.
Immediately, my mind conjured up a plan to tell Dad, since I knew he’s never been insistent on boys and dating boys like Mom was. But that might be him just being a dad. Still, I didn’t get the feeling that it was that.
Mom, on the other hand, felt like someone who I had to be careful with when I approach this with her. She has brought up boys several times, and each time, I felt like a piece of me withered inside as I had to listen. So, for that reason, I wanted to put that conversation off till later.
I waited for Dad to come back home as I did my homework, internally debating whether I should tell him today or not. When dinner was called and he wasn’t here yet, jittering anxiety built in my stomach as I trudged down the steps. Him being late meant that he was stuck at work, which means he’ll come back tired and spent.
My heart fell down to my gut as I sat down for dinner, slowly eating my food without much of an appetite now. Mom looked at me weirdly as she noticed this.
“Didn’t you have practise today? Aren’t you hungry?”
“Yeah, I did. Just don’t feel like eating much, I guess,” I mumbled quietly. She kept up that look for a little longer before letting it go and chastising Addison to eat her vegetables.
It was nearing ten in the evening when I heard the front door open, indicating Dad’s arrival. With a flickering hope, the beat of my heart quickened automatically in trepidation as I thought of what I was about to do, and I quickly left my room to thunder down the stairs. But when I got there, I found the sight of my dad with his tie loose, a haggard look to his eyes as he set down his bag.
“Hey, honey. Did you need something?” he asked as he spotted me standing on the steps of the stairs. I shook my head and gave him a weak smile.
“No. Just had a question. It can wait until another day. Rest up.” With that, I spun on the spot and headed back up to my room as the heavy feeling of disappointment filled my chest.
_______________________
I got to school the next day with a shiver. The morning turned out to be surprisingly cold, which was odd for spring, but there were those days. I pushed through the doors and into the school halls, the warmer air already bringing relief to my chilled skin.
Walking down the corridor, I quickly made it to my locker and put down my stuff. But something felt different today. Something in the air?
I glanced around and for the first time since coming in, I noticed the looks that people were giving me. It was filled with curiosity and interest as they whispered amongst themselves. I gave them odd looks and continued with my business, closing my locker and heading to find one of my friends.
The stares didn’t stop as I continued my journey deeper into the school. In fact, the odd thing was, the amount seemed to increase. People exchanged whispers in their corners as they gazed on and I couldn’t help but feel a little self-conscious, looking down at the floor as I walked. Was it something I wore?
After a few more steps, a boy named Conner came up to me, his band of friends behind him snickering as they watched. “Hey, Alyssa, right? So, I’ve heard this thing and I was wondering if it was true.” The boy smirked in a brash manner, a glint of mischief in his eyes. “You like girl on girl action, right?”
I felt as if my heart stopped beating in my chest as I stared at him, wide-eyed and shocked. For a moment, I couldn’t fully comprehend - or more like I didn’t want to believe what I just heard. “…what?”
“Well, I heard that someone saw you kissing another girl. Is that just a rumour, or is our girl Alyssa here, actually into girls?”
Standing stock-still in place, it seemed like time slowed as I stared at him. My muscles felt too stiff. Every part of my being felt uncomfortable. Without realising, I had clenched my fists, jaw tightening as I gazed at him with a hollowness in my chest. Everything just felt cold.
Without a word, I walked around him and continued ahead, ignoring the boyish guffaws behind me. Eyes that followed my movements became all too aware to me, but I pushed away its sting and focused on the one thought in my head. Rather, one name that I knew could’ve started all this.
With a destination in mind, my feet moved on its own in that direction. As my gaze came in contact with the sight of bright red hair, I moved faster. She saw me coming and turned to me with obvious concern in those light blue eyes.
“Aly, I heard-”
“What did you tell him?”
Now, her face scrunched up in confusion. “Tell who?”
My stare burned into her as I said the name. “Charles.”
Gia opened her mouth to respond, but that was when she saw the stares of others around her focused on us in one way or another. The girl gripped my wrist and dragged me to the nearest classroom, which happened to be empty, closing the door behind us and turning back to me with a frown.
“Why do you think it was Charles?”
I couldn’t mention that look he gave me yesterday without sounding like a lunatic, so I settled for the weak response. “I just do.”
Gia looked exasperated as she turned around and paced the floor. “Well, I was pretty clear when I told him not to tell anyone. He agreed and we didn’t have to say anymore. He knew not to say anything.”
“Can you be a hundred percent sure it wasn’t him?”
The graveness of my voice must’ve alerted her to the severity I took this as. She met my gaze with genuine dejection and sympathy, coming to me and holding my forearm in her grasp.
“I’m sorry. No.”
My throat felt like it was being squeezed by an iron grip, making breathing difficult. A hand went up to clutch my forehead as I tried to process the situation as it exactly was right now.
“It wasn’t meant to happen like this.”
The phrase kept repeating in my head long after I said it aloud, like a mantra that wasn’t going to be forgotten.
As I let my hand fall back to my side, I gazed at Gia’s sorrowful expression one more time before breaking from her grip and leaving the room.
A buzzing was felt in my pocket, but I could barely register the sensation as I marched out of here. I was going in no particular direction - just the way out.
All through this, the words wouldn’t stop repeating in my head as the uncomfortable feeling spread from my chest to my limbs, filling my mouth with this awful bitterness that I just wanted to wash away.
It wasn’t meant to happen like this. It wasn’t meant to happen like this.
It wasn’t meant to happen like this.
A/N
Oh man, this was intense to write. Instead of repeating the reason to tell her parents, something else is repeating in her head :/
Hope you enjoyed this! What do you think will happen in the next chapter? Lemme know!
Till next time