'Besides, whoever keeps the future in front of him and the past at his back is doing something else that's hard to imagine. For the image implies that events somehow already exist in the future, reach the present at a determined moment, and finally come to rest in the past. But nothing exists in the future; it is empty; one might die at any minute. Therefore such a person has his face toward the void, whereas it is the past behind him that is visible, stored in the memory.'
I place the bookmark on the last line that I read and close the book. Leaning back into the love seat, I shut my eyes. A sigh escapes my lips.
It has been a tiring day. With the dramatic start, I regret saying those things to Adrien.
He didn't show up for lunch, nor for dinner. On the bright side, me and Arianna cycled around the city. Which ended with her shopping for more clothes than she needs. And I bought this book.
The assault by Harry Mulisch. One of the Netherlands' famous authors. Since we're in the Netherlands, it only felt suiting to read something from this country's author.
I rub my eyes and push myself up, walking to the desk, and placing the novel on its corner. I peek outside, the lights of the city twinkling like little electric stars. Though the pool appears depressing and lonely at this hour of the night.
My mind replays the things I told to Adrien. I got carried away. It would be an understatement naming what I said, selfish. I can't rid my memory of his expression, I had no right to hurt him. I wasn't expecting that reaction. Okay, I don't know what I was expecting, but not that.
I shouldn't have mentioned Jace, or the anxiety and depression part. It took me a good six months to accept I was clinically depressed, after the whole 'oops the drugs sent me to coma, rather than doing their work properly' incident.
You're gonna be lonely for the rest of your life and die alone, and nobody will give a fuck about it.
I press my forehead to the cool glass and stare outside.
Sophia was right. I wonder if my choice of words brought me here. Because, whenever I open my mouth and utter something, it either hurts or pisses off someone.
Twenty-one years old, and I still haven't learned how to talk without causing problems. It should be a freaking record.
That is why I avoid talking. Better to stay quiet than hurt others.
I'm aware I upset Theo. He hasn't called or texted after he left Geneva. Or maybe he's busy, I hope that would be the case, but that's stupidly optimistic.
But now, I just ruined everything. The entire trip will be awkward.
I exhale and lift my head from the window and walk to the bed. It's already 2 AM. I should try to sleep. For a moment I stare at my pills, considering if I should take the sleeping one, I ought to be as fresh and well-rested as I can.
The more exhausted I get, the lesser filters my words cross before being spoken out. And I've done enough damage, I cannot risk adding up to it anymore only because I'm tired.
I bend and pick the bottle containing the sleeping pills, just as I unscrew the lid, a loud knocking sound, that resembles banging, makes me stop.
I freeze, it's too late for anybody to show up. My heartbeat accelerates as I try to focus and listen to if there are any other sorts of noise behind the door.
With caution, I set down the bottle. And tiptoe towards the doorway. Even though I know anyone who is on the other side can't hear my breathing, it doesn't stop me from trying to breathe in and out as quietly as I can.
I rest my hand on the doorknob as I stare at the wooden door with wide eyes. Another loud bang shakes it, making me jump back.
My body trembles as I stand there, glued to the floor, with effort pulling the air into my system.
And then I recognize the muffled sound. My heartbeat slows to its normal speed, my muscles relax as Adrien's voice comes again.
I rub my forehead, wanting to laugh at my stupidity. It's a freaking five-star hotel. What is wrong with me!
But it's two in the morning. The thought clicks in my brain. It must be urgent.
I hope nothing's happened.
I pull open the door, and the first thing I'm greeted with is the heaviest tang of alcohol I've ever smelled.
Adrien is leaning on the wall, and as he sees me, a loop sided smile break through his lips as he straightens himself, and stumbles.
With unsteady strides, he stops in front of me, "Eleanor!" he slurs, with the same smile.
Has he mistaken his room with mine?
"Can I come in?" he leans forward, widening his bloodshot eyes, the aqua green standing out in the middle of the red veins.
I nod with hesitation and step aside for him. He strides in, or tries to. Stumbling inside, he surveys the place as if looking for something. But I doubt he has left an object in here. I close the door and furrow my brows as I walk towards him.
He runs his finger on the cover of the book. "Fuck, I can't read the title," he mumbles and burst out in laughter. He keeps himself balanced by holding the top of the chair placed before the desk.
Adrien's eyes wander around my room and linger on the nightstand. I follow his gaze, realizing he is staring at the pills.
I look back to him, opening my mouth to talk, but the nonexistent words stick to my throat. His Adam's apple bobs before he looks at me with an unreadable expression.
"I did that?" he points at the bottles.
Never have I felt shittier than now.
I shake my head, my fingers fidgeting.
"Liar," he crocks out, looking at me, the emotion giving place to an accusation.
He lets go of the chair and crosses the distance between us with wavering steps.
For a moment he just stands, towering over me, as he gazes at me intently, with a tilted head. And the next second, his hands reach out to me, cupping my face, he moves, stopping at my eye level. He locks his eyes with mine. The scent of whatever liquor he drank burns my nostrils.
"I'm sorry," he speaks in a hoarse voice and I feel my heart clench in guilt.
Did he get drunk because of what I said to him?
I hope not.
"I'm so sorry," he whispers and leans down, pressing his forehead to my collarbone, while resting his arms on my waist. "I'm sorry, I didn't know I was hurting you, I didn't. I-I never wanted to hurt you, I'll never upset you," he rambles, his chest rising and falling rapidly.
And I stand still, with my heart thundering in my rib cage.
What have I done?
I never should've told him. It was better to lie.
It's not like he hasn't had his fair share, and more, of problems that now I added up to it by saying all those things.
We were kids; he said some stuff, I should have been able to move on. I'm the weak one. The defected piece, the error. He shouldn't apologize.
The problem is me, and by blaming him, the truth will not change.
I took it too far.
His arms tighten around me, pulling me into a hug. He rests his cheek on my shoulder, "I'm sorry Eleanor, I'm so sorry," he mumbles, his warm breath tickling my neck.
Remorse courses through my body, as I remain rigid with both my hands on my side, unsure what to do or say. Moments of silence, only interrupted with the sound of our breathing, pass between us.
"Please," he slurs, his arms tightening around me, "please, I'm sorry, I didn't know, but now I do, now I'm sorry. Please don't hate me," he pleads in a low voice.
A pang of pain shoots through my chest as his words get carved in my brain. With hesitance I raise a shaky hand, ignoring my steadily raising heart rate. My hand hovers over his shoulder-blade for a long moment. Finally, I make my mind and place it on his shoulder.
The muscle under my palm tenses before relaxing, as he shifts and hugs me tighter, in a more comfortable stance. Out of habit, I stroke his back, and set my other hand on his other shoulder, hugging him back.
"I'm sorry, I won't hurt you ever again. I promise," he murmurs, after a long while he adds, "I'm so sorry."
+++
((Well... What a chapter! I know right! Okay, just kidding, I shouldn't be the one saying what I think about this chapter, it's the other way around. So, what do you think about this chapter?
Any thoughts on our very deeply flawed and messed up protagonists? you better share it XD
Okayt, thank you so much for reading this chapter and I hope you enjoyed it *.* ))