Happy Friday everyone,
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Enjoy your weekend
"Baby, come back," I whined as I rolled over onto my stomach on the bed, watching Jared doing some stretches on the floor.
"Av, couple minutes and I'm done here and you haven't even showered yet," he muttered with closed eyes as he leaned down to a forward fold.
"I was hoping by asking me to do yoga with you, you meant something else," I sighed, turning back onto my back, not wanting to see him showing off his half naked body.
We had amazing sex last night but then I woke up to his morning wood pressed up against me which was just enough to turn me on.
Sadly when Jared realized it was half past nine already, he jumped up to have a shower and go down, not wanting to leave the guests alone to have breakfast.
"Believe me, I wish I could fuck you right now instead, but my back is still killing me from the moving," he stated. "Go shower, please. I am sure everyone is up by now."
I growled sitting up on the bed, pushing my hair out of my forehead.
"I thought you are not supposed to ovulate on the pill," he grinned, peeking at me with one eye before he closed it back.
"Don't tell me you are an expert in this too," I stated with sarcasm as I sat onto the edge of the bed, pulling the sheets with me. "And yes, I am not ovulating."
"I like to know what's going on so I did some research," he smiled proudly as he opened his eyes back up leaning back against the wall. "Well, you sure as hell act like it. You're always so horny and vocal these times."
"I am not..."I growled mid sentence, "ovulating. Although I wish I would, because this pill is giving me headaches and nausea on a daily," I whined but then realizing what I just shared, I pressed my lips shaking my head. "Well... anyway, sorry I got the wrong idea when you pressed yourself up against my butt," I stated frustrated as I stood up, leaving for a shower.
"It wasn't intentional," he stood up walking after me, grabbing my arm to turn me back.
"Good to know," I mumbled.
"Why didn't you tell me? That the pill gives you side effects?" he asked gently.
"It's nothing... I can handle it... just... I was meaning to go to the doctor to switch it but with all the moving and guests... I didn't have time," I shook my head.
"I don't care what you can or can't handle. Stop the pill; we going back to traditional until you get new ones," he stated firm with his hands on his hips.
"Jay..." I sighed.
I really could handle it... I just didn't want to come off and then back on another pill. Maybe I just need time to get used to it.
"Look, let's not talk about this now, go shower quick," he stated dragging the sheet off from around me, slapping my rear.
Looking at him with narrowed eyes, I smiled as I left for the bathroom.
The shower did help in calming me down. Jared was right, we should be with his family, and I acted like a baby.
Arriving down, Anna was sitting in the dining room with one of the babies in her lap, the other girl in Brian's lap. They were trying to feed them while Constance was cooking up way too many kinds of breakfasts.
"Morning," we stepped in with Jared.
"Morning," came the happy answer as I stepped to the ready made coffee.
"We overslept a bit Mom, you shouldn't have to do all this. Should have come banging on the door to wake us up," Jared stepped to her, kissing her cheek.
"Oh, please, Jared. Finally I can do my Mom duties; let me enjoy," she smiled happily.
"How are the sweeties?" Jared asked, turning to the girls.
"Surprisingly calm," Anna chuckled.
"Can I help you with anything?" I asked in the meantime, turning to Constance who was doing what seemed to be guacamole.
"You just relax, Avery; I got this, but thank you," she smiled.
Brian was so excited to play around in the studio that right after breakfast he and Jared disappeared in a blink of an eye, we only heard the excited chatter fading away as they hurried out of the dining room.
"Okay, let's hurry with the cleaning if we want to do some shopping before the girls get too tired," Anna stated as she stood up gathering the plates while I put the leftover food onto one plate.
"Alright," nodded Constance, "Give those to me, Avery, I'll handle it. Are you joining us for the shopping spree?" she asked as she took over.
"Sure," I smiled with a nod.
Yes their family was very tight, but I appreciated that they were trying to include me. I wish I was just less awkward.
"Sounds great," smiled Anna. "Would you mind helping me dress the girls?" she asked as she was cleaning up the mess they made while the twins were crawling around under the table in just diapers. "We have to leave as soon as possible. They usually last three hours before they crash from tiredness. In a stroller they last two hours max. Then shopping won't be fun anymore."
"Why don't you leave them for Brian?" asked Constance from the kitchen.
"He was overexcited about the at home studio since yesterday. I want to let him enjoy," Anna chuckled.
I looked at them interested and even I couldn't believe what just came out of my mouth.
"What if I stay with them? Here? You two can go have some fun and chill..." I offered.
I mean, if I really am going to be a mother at some point... I have to familiarize myself with babies.
"Oh, it is sweet from you, but... believe me they are a handful. It took some time for me too to learn to handle both of them alone... And yesterday you seemed pretty overwhelmed just by one of them," Anna smiled, trying to put it nicely that she doesn't trust me with them.
"I know... of course, but... I wouldn't mind having them around and if... if I feel like I can't handle it the guys are around."
Anna looked at me thinking as Constance spoke up.
"Let her do it, Anna. She will be great," Constance gave me a knowing smile which made me look away.
"Well... alright," Anna shrugged. "If anything comes up just call Brian, okay? I'll go bring some of their toys down."
"Of course," I smiled excited and after she left Constance rubbed my back.
"You'll be just fine. You'll see it's not as terrifying as you think," chuckling she picked up one of them. "And we will go shopping with you tomorrow."
"Yeah," I smiled as I took a deep breath, grabbing up the other girl from the floor gently. "So... um... which one is which?" I asked uncertain.
Constance laughed.
"You have Zoe and this is Rylie. If in doubt, Zoe has the green earrings and Rylie has the yellow ones."
"Oh, perfect," I smiled, bouncing the baby gently as her eyes stuck on her sister.
"Connie, you ready?" Anna came back down, dropping some toys onto the living room floor. "They gonna kill some time with these. I had them hidden away so now it all feels like new."
As Constance and Anna was ready to go, I watched them nervously as I sat in the living room with the twins playing with some book which made the most annoying animal sounds ever.
When Anna left the room Constance turned back to me.
"You'll be fine. Don't over think, just let them enjoy themselves, talk to them, sing, whatever it is you enjoy as well."
And I did as I was told.
As soon as I got on my stomach we connected. None of them screamed, cried or tried to get away. We played with their barbies; I came up with silly stories which were mostly inspired by my childhood on the farm as I played them out for them with the barbies and farm animals.
"Hey, where are the others?" Brian asked as he walked into the living room with Jared behind him after almost two hours.
I looked up from the book.
"They went out shopping," I answered as I sat up, seeing the girls crawl to Brian to welcome him.
"And they left you with the monsters?" he asked stunned but smiling as he crouched down to pick both of them up easily.
"I suggested," I shrugged, sitting up onto the couch.
"Oh, baby, why didn't you join them?" Asked Jared almost concerned as he cupped my face. "Some girls' day out. You would have had so much fun!"
"Yeah, but... I chose to have a baby girls' day in," I smiled. "They were fun. I just wanted to... give this another chance. I was good," I smiled proudly.
Jared just kept caressing my face with a sigh.
"I can't believe Mom just let you stay behind," he growled.
"Jay, calm down," I laughed more on the fact that he knows I easily tell white lies to make people look good, avoiding awkwardness. "It was my idea to stay behind. I just..." peeking to Brian who was occupied with the bubbling girls, I whispered. "I wanted to... practice."
Jared narrowed his eyes, looking back at me trying to figure out if I tell the truth.
I must have looked believable enough because he seemed to relax and a smile appeared on his face, a twinkle in his eyes.
"Really?"
I just nodded, pecking his lips.
"They aren't so scary anymore, right?" he smiled.
"Noh," I laughed watching as one of them stood up by holding onto Jared's leg.
"Oh, who is trying to capture me?" he growled playfully, looking down at Zoe, acting with his hands like he is trying to grab her.
By that she screamed excited, falling to her rear, turning around and crawling away quick.
"Crawl as fast as you can little lady," he shouted as he dropped to all fours following Zoe around the marble coffee table, growling.
I laughed on them watching as Rylie started to scream, hurrying after Jared on her feet, throwing herself onto his back.
Laughing, Jared pulled her down, rolling onto his back, holding Rylie up in the air who laughed, while Zoe turned back to attack Jared as well.
I watched their gentle wrestling with a big smile, laughing on his silliness, unintentionally imagining him playing with our child like that one day and my heart fluttered in my chest.
"Okay, Zoe, you too but that is it for now!" Chuckled Jared as he now picked Zoe up to hold her up high above him.
After putting her down he stood up, caressing his hair back.
"I'm too old for this," he laughed.
"Two of them are just one more than we all can handle," Brian laughed too.
I frowned, looking up to Jared.
He IS too old for this... I AM too old for this. If we really want a child in four, five years... we both will be just... too old for this. For their thirteenth birthday where we all have to sit on a roller coaster with them, for all the running around... for their graduation where everyone will mistake me for their grandmother, and Jared for their... he will be like seventy! Oh fuck, what the hell were we thinking? Do we really want to be those parents? Do we really want to die on our kid when it's thirty years old?
As he was chatting with Brian, I looked up to him, biting my lips.
Of course he still wants to do his own things, own projects... He doesn't realize that... once we all get older. He thinks his backaches are because he is overworking, or because he had the surgery, but to be honest, he is close to fifty. Once he is going to start to get older, and when it doesn't show for so long, it tends to change rapidly. Happens to many people; my parents were the same.
I took a deep breath as I stood up driven by an impulse.
"Honey, can we talk?" I asked gently as I took Jared's hand and when he turned I started to pull him away, leading him to the empty inside yard.
"Honey? You never call me that. Only my mother calls me that way; this must be very serious," he giggled as he let me pull him to the old, empty bench what was already here when we moved.
After we sat down I turned to him, letting my breath out, looking up into his eyes which were so intensely boring into mine.
"You remember when I did the pregnancy test? What you told me back then about why you don't want to pursue having kids anymore?" I asked seriously.
Thinking about it he nodded slowly.
"Yes, I do," he answered simply then just patiently waited for me to continue with a little frown on his face.
"Well," I looked down, collecting my thoughts, but then I realized I don't want to over complicate it. "I think you were right."
When his facial expression didn't change I continued.
"You said it wouldn't be fair to the child on the long run. And you were right."
I was waiting for any argument but when he kept being silent, I had no choice but to carry on.
"I love you... I really do but..." I shook my head, looking away for a few moments before I turned back to face him. "I am basically thirty one. You are soon forty eight. In four years, I will be close to forty and you will be over fifty and who knows when I will actually get pregnant... Jared we are not getting any younger and... don't get me wrong, you are absolutely amazing but... I don't know how to say this..." I bit my lips, taking his hand. "I would want our child to... or well I would want US to be in our child's life. I want you to take them climbing when he or she is old enough to do so. I want the three of us to go on adventures to... do stuffs together but... damn... Jared I don't wanna be an old Mom. And you were right, I don't want us to... not be able to be there for most of their life. I wanna be with you, only you for the rest of our lives," I reassured in tears. "But we... it would be selfish of us to have a child, and you knew it all along; we need to be realistic here."
I was searching for any signs in his eyes, on his face, but he was like a brick wall except that small frown until he sighed, straightening up a bit, his gaze leaving mine to look into the distance.
A sad smile crossed his face, but he didn't turn back to me.
"If only we would have got together years ago..." he sighed.
I just watched him sadly, caressing his locks behind his ear to see more of his profile.
"You know Av, with anyone else, I probably would have stood my ground in not wanting a child, but with you... I was like, okay if Jeffrey Dean Morgan can do it at the age of fifty two then I guess the world has changed. Then I can do it too because damn if I ever thought I will want to have a family... but then you came along and I felt like I found the one my Mother was talking about... the one who comes along and I will change my mind about this family thing... the relationship thing... I just... was too damn busy with my own self and career to realize it until it was too late," he muttered annoyed before he finally turned back to me. "You were there all along, you will never understand how much I doom myself for taking this long to make a move... All of a sudden all those movies, all those projects, the awards, the goals I reached... they don't mean anything, because I missed out on you; big time."
I shook my head, trying not to cry this time.
"You didn't miss out on me, Jay. I was there and I am here now and we still have so much to experience. We still have so much to do!"
Then I frowned, remembering he said something similar last night what he just said now.
"What's missing, Jared?" I asked carefully.
"What you mean?" he asked confused.
"You had the same thoughts last night... about missing all those years with me and I told you the same, that now I am here and I am planning to stay," I smiled.
He smiled sadly, shaking his head before a chuckle left his lips.
"On the Oscars night almost five years ago... the night when I was a nominee... I remember me not seeing you for so long and I kinda missed you... so I invited you and you were if-y about coming because you said you have something to do that night. I promised myself then that if I win AND you show up... I am going to ask you out..."
My eyes grew wide, although I was blinking rapidly they still felt dry.
"But..." he thought about it. "When you were there, you mentioned something about seeing this guy and I... didn't want to interfere. Just weeks later you two broke up... but by then I chickened out... girls were lining up, work was lining up and..." he sighed heavily, "I got busy, I guess it just... got forgotten in all the mess..."
He peeked at me and smiled when he saw me chuckle.
"What?"
"I only was with that guy because I wanted a distraction from the feelings I started to develop for YOU."
He looked at me stunned.
"Are you serious?" he rolled his eyes before he smirked.
"This is a story which would be worth writing," I laughed.
"Damn right. Maybe one day," he smiled, leaning back, pulling me close into his arms. "So... baby project cancelled?"
My heart flinched by him saying it out loud.
He didn't even try to argue, try to convince me, so I ditched the idea of hinting that this year is the last when I would feel confortable with trying it.
I know it would be too soon, it would be something to adjust to, but I would be willing to go through it all, because being a Mom would mean the world to me, having our own child would mean the world to me; and hell if I would want Jared's DNA to get wasted... But sometimes life doesn't work out the way we wanted and its mysteriousness is what makes it so special.
"It's cancelled," I nodded, resting my chin on his shoulder, hiding my face in his hair not wanting him to see my tears.
We stayed in silence for long long minutes as I was fighting the sob down which was suffocating me.
"We could still get a puppy; I think I can live long enough for that," offered Jared playfully and I couldn't help but chuckle, pulling away with a nod.
"I prefer cats."
"No animals either then," he shook his head and we both laughed.