He's holding it in the best he can. The panic is crawling up his throat that leaves a bad taste in his mouth. Oh, for fuck's sake. Is he having another attack? His legs carry him across the room and back, and he doesn't stop moving. He wants to stop. Why can't he stop?
It feels like he's choking. He can't breathe. He knew this was going to happen - he knew Kukaku might want to do something. Why is he freaking out? Why is he being such a baby? Deep breaths, Ichigo, deep breaths. That's what Ryuuken told him to do. Why can't he? He's going to vomit.
"Ichigo?" Rukia asks in alarm. "What's wrong?"
"I think I'm going to vomit," he confesses, keeping his eyes on the floor.
"Whoa, whoa, whoa. I didn't think you'd get so nervous about this," Kukaku frowns.
"I'm not nervous! I have no idea why I'm moving! I want to stop, but I can't!"
"Ichigo, please take a deep breath. It's going to be alright," Yoruichi soothes.
"You're lying!" He roars.
She's taken aback. "No, Ichigo-"
"Stop lying to me! I've had enough!"
He fishes into his pocket for his cellphone. As he dials another number off his speed dial, he begins to fidget with his mother's cross inside his pocket once again. The slow ringing gives him chills.
"Please, please, please. Pick up."
There's a click, followed by: "Ishida," the cool voice greets.
"Dr. Ishida," Ichigo all but whimpers.
"Kurosaki. Is it happening again?"
"Yeah," he releases a cleansing breath, the rushing air reminding him he's not actually choking.
"What's going on?"
"You know how you wouldn't tell me who my dad really was?"
There's a suspicious pause. "You didn't."
"Yeah, I did. They want me to be the heir to the Shiba Clan."
A loud sigh ebbs through the phone speaker. "Son," he starts.
"I know, I know. I'm sorry. I didn't think she'd just fucking throw the title at me. I thought Ganju would be a more sensible option. He's got more brain cells than me," Ichigo scowls.
"Stop that. You taught yourself techniques it would take other Shinigami years to learn."
"But I'm not any other Shinigami. I don't even know what I am."
"Tell me this, son. Who do you trust the most?"
"Rukia," he replies without second thought.
"Is she there?"
"Yeah. Gawking at me like a deer in headlights like everyone else here."
"Quit your pouting and give the girl the phone."
"Yes, sir," he grumbles.
For the whole conversation, he forgot he's still pacing a hole into the floor. He closes his eyes in embarrassment.
"Rukia?"
She's already by his side. He doesn't let her speak as he shoves the phone in her direction while he continues his pacing. She takes it before he could get too far. With a weird look on her face, she puts the phone to her ear.
"Hello?"
"Kuchiki Rukia?"
"Who is this?"
"Dr. Ishida Ryuuken. I'm Uryū's father."
"Uryū's father?" Rukia exclaims. "That means you're a Quincy."
"A pureblood one, yes. I knew Kurosaki Masaki."
Rukia glances at Ichigo, and he's still pacing. Unknown to her, he's also trying very hard not to eavesdrop, but he can hear them from wherever the hell he is in the room.
"Do you know what's going on with Ichigo? He's having an anxiety attack of some kind."
"He's over stimulated. He said he's been getting these attacks for a while, but they're getting worse."
"Why?"
"I have a theory. I believe his powers are controlled by emotion, and when he feels too many at once, his Hollow instinct kicks in. He's trying to run away from his problems, but his human side doesn't want to. There's two different minds in control, and they're battling. That or his Hollow is trying to take over, but I'm not sure that's it."
"What do I have to do to stop the minds?"
"You can't stop them from battling. Ichigo needs to figure that out himself. All you have to do is get him to stop moving."
"Okay," she sighs in frustration. "So how do I do that?"
"Hug him."
"What?"
"Hug him. You need to get a hold of him, and tell him everything's going to be okay."
"Yoruichi tried that. He just called her a liar, and it got worse."
"But he trusts you. He said so himself."
"He - he did?"
"Yes. Call me back when you're done."
He abruptly hangs up. Ichigo pretends he didn't hear a word and keeps going. He feels dizzy now. That's different. Please don't tell him he's going to faint. He doesn't need that. His legs keep him moving, but they shake from the pressure he's got himself under. His hands start to tremble violently, and he clenches them into fists, trying to get them to stop. They don't.
While Ichigo knew it was going to happen, he did not know when Rukia was going to hug him. Turns out it was as soon as he tries to stop shaking. He struggles against her, his legs needing to keep him going, yet she does her damned best to stop him. He can't stop! He can't stop. He can't stop. He CaNt StOppppPppPpPPPppppp.....
Rukia holds him in a tight embrace, her head buried in his chest. She whispers to him softly, enticing him to listen to her quiet words. Her voice wraps around him like a gentle blanket, and he wants nothing more than to sleep in it. Don't get him wrong, he still needs to keep moving, but his mind slows down. Thoughts of panic become less rapid, and his legs follow the example.
"Ichigo? Can you hear me?"
Oh, did he doze off? That's not what he meant to do. He didn't mean any of this, actually. Guilt slithers in, and vices itself around his heart. Dammit. And just when he was feeling relief, too.
"Ichigo?" That one sounded more panicked.
He should probably respond. "Yeah, I'm fine," he grumbles, screwing his eyes shut a second time today.
"The hell you are," Rukia retorts without any real venom.
"Sorry."
"What's going on with you? I've never seen you do that before," she murmurs.
"That's because it's never been this bad."
"Oh."
"Yeah."
"How many times has this happened?"
"I don't know. Before all of this? Maybe ten times or so over about five years. Maybe?"
"And currently?"
It takes him a second to think. "Thirteen? Maybe?"
"When was the twelfth time?" Yoruichi asks.
Ichigo almost ignores her. "Two days ago?"
"And the time before that?"
"The same day. You were there."
"Jesus, Ichigo. You've had three attacks in the past three days."
"You don't think I don't fucking know how bad that is?" He growls. "You can't possibly fathom the shit I have to deal with because of you people. You goddamn-"
"Enough. Stop blaming everyone else," Rukia chides lightly.
"Who else can I blame? Me? I was born like this, Rukia. It was a Shinigami who made the Hollow that attacked my mother. It was a Shinigami that created the Hogyoku Aizen has. It was a Shinigami who severed my saketsu chain and hakusui soul sleep. It was a Shinigami who wanted you executed, Rukia! It's always the damn Shinigami!"
Rukia has the audacity to grimace. Yamamoto and Yoruichi study the scene before them with caution, and Ukitake and Kukaku frown at each other. Byakuya simply scoffs.
"You got something to say, Byakuya? Or does your bitch ass just like to be a cunt all the fucking time."
"Ichigo!" Rukia scolds.
"It's alright, Rukia," Byakuya reassures in monotone. "I think Kurosaki has an issue with growing up, is all. His child antics with pointing fingers at everyone else only because he's angry with his father is quite tiresome."
"Says the man with a stick up his ass because his wife is dead."
Rukia smacks him upside the head. Hard. Yeah, he might've deserved that, but he can't quite say he regrets what he said.
"Kid, you need to calm down," Kukaku commands.
He huffs, eyes rolling, yet backs down nonetheless. He does need to calm down. He's causing too much drama for no reason. Byakuya is right, as much as it pains to admit it. He's just angry, and is taking it out on everyone else.
"Sorry," he forces through his teeth.
"You need to know how to control yourself better. This is ridiculous. The last time we met, you weren't nearly this much of a brat," his cousin continues to rant.
"The last time I saw you, it was under very different circumstances. This is personal."
"That doesn't mean you make it more personal to someone who's got nothing to do with it!"
He bites his tongue to stop his comment. He needs to calm down. Instead of paying attention to himself, he focuses on Rukia's arms. They're still wrapped around his torso. She makes him feel warm. His trembling has stopped, and he finds himself leaning to her touch. She's anchoring him down, keeping him grounded.
"Okay," he grinds out.
She runs her one hand down her face. "You need to go home, and figure out whatever is going on with you. We'll talk about this when you've got a clear head."
Ichigo wants to say something so bad. He wants to bite everyone's heads off. Rage is burning brightly in his eyes, and he knows for a fact the room's occupants can see it. Not knowing what else to do, Ichigo gets out of Rukia's arms, and heads for the door.
"Where are you going!"
"To hit something."
"Ichigo, wait! Goddammit, he's going to hurt himself again," Rukia groans then runs after him.
He gets away with shunpo. The wind roars in his ears as he speeds out of there, along with his heartbeat. No one trusts him. He trusts no one. Why? Why can't he trust anyone? What about Rukia and Ryuuken, a small voice in the back of his head asks. Can he trust them? He wants to. No, he tells himself. Stop being a fucking child. He knows he can trust them.
Only because he wants to keep his distance from everyone else, he continues to run. Right out of the compounds, away from the barracks, straight to the Rukongai. He doesn't stop there, and goes further and further away. He hides his Reiatsu, initially throwing Rukia off his trail.