Trigger warning
"Loving never gave me a home, so I'll sit here in the silence."
Song: Silence ~ Marshmello ft Khalid
***
19. Anyone Else Want To Suck Souls?
The images were vivid.
Scattered pills.
Scarred wrists.
And a body that lay helpless on the floor, desperate for everything to end.
It was an easy way out, that's why she took it isn't it?
Or maybe it was the peace.
The perfect peace.
Why else would she do that to herself?
Why on earth would she do that to herself?
I stood there and watched, as she was found.
I saw the hands that frantically called 911, barely able to press the buttons because of the tears that were being spilled.
Why would she do that to herself?
I saw the lights of the ambulance approaching.
I heard the sounds of the sirens blaring like it was signaling a purge.
This was a fight for survival anyway wasn't it?
I saw the body being wheeled inside.
The hairs on my body stood up.
Why would she do that to herself?
I climbed into the back of the ambulance, but no one objected. It was like I wasn't even there.
Who was she?
And why would she do that to herself?
Someone help me understand.
Was life that unkind to her?
Or was she just a coward who fled at the first sign of trouble?
Why would she do that to herself?
Didn't she know she had family? Friends who would be devastated?
Didn't she know that even though she'd be gone and have it easy, the people she left behind wouldn't?
Was she just being irresponsible?
I don't get it.
Why would she do that to herself?
I slowly drew closer, to get a better look.
My heart thumped aggressively in my chest.
I knew the features all too well.
Same nose.
Same mouth.
Same hair.
Same face.
But I was here, my heart was still beating.
So why would she do that to herself?
***
I sprang up, panting in fear. I was on the verge of hyperventilating.
I hadn't had a nightmare like that in ages.
I looked over, and saw that Jacob was sleeping peacefully beside me. Had he stayed ever since I fell asleep? Renée's bed was empty, so I assumed she was with Liam.
Don't wake him up Shayley, panic in silence.
Panic in silence.
I couldn't panic in silence.
He stirred awake. "Shayley?"
My hands trembled, as my chest continued to constrict.
"Shayley," he said, more alarmed. "It's okay, you're fine."
I wasn't fine.
I needed something, anything.
"Make it stop," I whispered.
"Shayley, you're fine," he assured me. "Just breathe...please."
I nodded slowly.
"You're fine," he repeated. "Cameron's fine too, I went to see him when you fell asleep, just like you asked."
I shut my eyes and slowed my breaths, squeezing Jacob's hand with everything I had in me.
You're fine Shayley, it's just the withdrawal.
"I'm fine," I whispered, letting out a breath.
He nodded. "Yes you are."
"Um...sorry I woke you up," I apologized. "I know you don't fall asleep easily."
"Something about tonight was exceptionally easy," he remarked. "Lie down."
I didn't object and let my head fall back onto the pillow. I turned to face the other way.
I wanted to see Cameron myself. I needed to remind him not to drag himself down because I was doing that to myself.
"Goodnight Jacob," I said hoarsely.
I felt his hand gently stroke my hair. "Goodnight."
*****
One week.
I was one week sober.
Seven days, one hundred and sixty-eight hours, ten thousand and eighty minutes, six hundred and four thousand and eight hundred seconds sober.
I didn't think I could do it, I'll be honest.
Detoxing was a bitch, but I got through it. I still had my cravings, but Jessica had given me like a lifetime supply of gum to chew every time I did. And Shawn made me wear a rubber band on my wrist that I'd use to control myself. The last time I had a rubber band was when I used to cut my wrists, but I'd say it was effective in this situation too. Tess practically became my alarm clock, telling me to drink water like a hundred times a day.
It was a little annoying, but my friends were helping.
"You know, we should have dinner here for a change, all of us," Tess suggested.
"Aw like a family dinner!" Liam grinned, before smirking at Renée. "We've already been playing house haven't we?"
Renée rolled her eyes and got up to come stand beside me, and I shook my head at how she pretended to be annoyed while wearing yet another shirt of his.
"I can cook," Jacob offered.
"Well, as nice as that is can we get going?" Austin asked. "I'm starving right now."
Jess rolled her eyes and smacked him on the head.
"Alright, alright," Shawn said.
We went to the diner like most evenings, and I'd be lying if I didn't say I was nervous. I hadn't seen Cameron throughout the past week, and I was anxious to see for myself whether he was really okay like he said.
We stepped in, and my eyes immediately went to the counter. I sighed in relief when I saw his blonde head behind it.
"I'll be right back," I told the others, going straight over there.
I approached him. "Hey."
He turned, and I saw the same look of relief flash in his eyes.
He came round and hugged me. "You're here, you're okay."
I hugged him back and nodded onto his chest. "And so are you."
He pulled back and chuckled. "I've missed you. Your friends said you were-"
I smiled softly. "Detoxing, yeah. Are you sure you're okay though? I've had a lot of people helping me, and you..."
He nodded. "My meetings help. I haven't had a drink since that night."
I nodded in relief. "Good."
"You should come with me sometime," he offered. "I know it's not your thing, but you can try."
I chuckled. "I've been trying out a lot of things that aren't my thing lately."
His eyes lit up. "So you'll come?"
I nodded. "Yeah."
He hugged me again.
"Cameron you're crushing me," I laughed.
He pulled away and smiled sheepishly. "Sorry."
This was a slightly new side of him. Cameron always seemed so confident, ever since I met him. But I guess ever since he had come undone in front of me that night, he wasn't masking his emotions anymore. One look at his face and I could read him like a book from cover to cover. He needed me, and honestly I needed him too. We could put ourselves back together.
"We're having dinner together at the ranch soon," I said. "You should come."
He looked apprehensive. "Wouldn't I be intruding?"
"Not if I invited you," I answered. "Please, I just don't want you to feel alone."
"I don't feel alone Shayley," he smiled, tucking my hair behind my ear. "I've got you."
"Cam..."
"Okay okay, I'll come," he chuckled, giving in.
I smiled back at him. "Um...I should get back now, but I'll stay and help you close up okay?"
He nodded and gave my hand a squeeze, and let me go. I walked back to join my friends, and I tried not to let the guilt overcome me. Cameron was fragile, but I was breaking Jacob too. I knew it, he knew it.
"I hope you guys don't mind," I said. "I invited Cameron to have dinner with us. He doesn't have anyone and-"
Renée held my hand, silencing me. "I think I speak for everyone when I say it's cool."
I gave her a grateful smile.
When we were done, I told them to go ahead without me so I could stay with Cameron like I said I would.
"Jacob," I called as they were leaving.
He turned, and then walked over to me.
"I'm..."
He shook his head and smiled softly. "Don't apologize, ever."
I nodded in relief. He didn't hate me.
"I'll see you at the ranch," he said.
Cameron appeared behind the counter, and he gave him a solemn nod, a gesture Cameron returned.
They were both so understanding, it made things even more difficult.
With one last smile at me Jacob left the two of us alone.
"He's a good guy," Cameron remarked when I walked over to him.
I nodded. "Yeah."
He took in a breath. "If you have to choose Shayley, choose him."
I turned to look at him. "What?"
He chuckled lightly. "The only reason why you haven't taken that chance with him is because of me. But I'll be fine Shayley, choose him. He'll be there for you...always."
"You're there for me too," I said. "Don't talk like that. What do you mean always? You're scaring me Cameron."
"What? No, I don't mean what you think I mean," he assured me, cupping my face. "It's just, you don't need to feel guilty if your attention isn't on me all the time."
"You want me to let you go?" I asked softly.
He placed his forehead on mine. "Let me go."
I let out a pathetic excuse of a laugh. "I hope to God you don't mean that in more ways than one."
He shook his head. "Never, not with you here. It's just that the two of us together would only be a catastrophe. We need each other, but not in the way you think we do."
That's for me to decide.
I swallowed the lump in my throat, nodding.
He looked at me, and then placed a soft lingering kiss on my lips, before stepping back.
"Sorry," he apologized. "I just wanted to do that one more time."
I shrugged. "So did I."
He held out his arm. "Friends? Nothing more, nothing less."
Instead of shaking his hand, I hugged him. "Whatever you want Cameron, as long as you're here."
Maybe he was right. Maybe I had confused the affection we had for each other for something else. I knew I still felt something for him, but I wasn't going to force him into anything. I could handle being just friends with him.
Could I say the same for Jacob?
******
Tess, Shawn and Khalan helped Jacob in the kitchen, while the rest of us with no culinary skills whatsoever got the other stuff ready and lounged around after that.
"What is taking so long?" Liam groaned. "I'm hungry."
"Shut up, you're always hungry," Jessica chuckled, falling onto Austin's lap.
He wrapped his arms around her and I smiled at them, wondering if I could actually find something like that again. After Charlie, it was just hookups, and they didn't last more than a couple of days.
Then again I'm in a more stable headspace.
"Can someone get that?" Renee asked when the doorbell rang.
I shot up out of the armchair. "I will, it's probably Cameron."
I went to open the door, and I was right.
He smiled at me. "Hey."
I returned the gesture. "Come on in."
"Oh, just in time," Tess grinned, walking towards us. "Dinner's ready."
I took Cameron's hand and led him towards the dining table.
"Wow guys, this all looks amazing," I mentioned.
"Princess here almost burned down the place but luckily she wasn't alone," Shawn remarked, taking a seat.
"Shut up Shawn," Khalan said, rolling her eyes.
He only laughed and kissed her cheek.
I took a seat, Cameron beside me.
"Thank you guys," he said. "You didn't have to invite me."
"The more the merrier," Jacob told him almost immediately. "And if Shayley vouches for you, then so do we."
I gave him a grateful smile.
We all got seated and began to eat.
"So," Liam said a while into our conversation. "Is this the part where we start discussing politics? Or was it stock prices?"
Renée gently hit his shoulder. "Can you ever say something serious?"
Liam gave her an innocent look. "I was being serious. Do you think everything I say is a joke? Man, you'd think I'd get a little more respect."
"Maybe if you were serious half the time I wouldn't think that," she retorted.
Why was she being so defensive?
"Okay, I'll say something serious right now," Liam challenged her.
"Ha. I'd love to hear it."
"I want you to be my girlfriend."
Her eyes widened, a deep blush spreading across her cheeks. I think all of us stopped eating at that moment.
"Liam, shut up," Renée said.
"You said to say something serious," he laughed.
"You can't just say that in front of everyone," she said in exasperation.
The rest of us were just onlookers in this explosion of sexual tension.
"Well it was the first thing I thought of!" he defended.
She rolled her eyes and pushed her chair back, muttering a 'you'll be the death of me' under her breath.
She took his hand. "Come on."
"And where are you two going?" Austin questioned, pointing his fork at both of them.
"Do you want us to have a make out session in front of you?" Renée asked him. "If that's the case then I will gladly move everything off his table and onto the floor."
"Feisty," Liam grinned, wiggling his eyebrows.
At this point most of us were full on laughing, even Cameron. I was glad he found it in him to laugh again.
"Uno momento," Liam smirked as she pulled him away.
"Well, that was interesting," Khalan remarked.
"Anyone else want to suck souls or can we have dessert?" Tess asked flatly.
I laughed, and when my eyes met Jacob's I quickly averted my gaze. I was overthinking things with him.
I overthought a lot of things.
I did that with Charlie, Cameron, and him.
But when you're an addict, fear of committing to anything was always present. Commitments were no different from drugs, and they could suck the life out of you. I hated how my habit had transcended into other aspects of my life.
Oh what I would give to take a pill right now...just one....
Cameron noticed I was tense and squeezed my hand under the table.
"Shay, are you okay?" Jessica asked.
I nodded, lying through my teeth. "Perfect."
Khalan have me a sympathetic look. "Shayley, come on, don't do that."
"Don't do what?" I asked a little too sharply.
"Lie," she deadpanned. "You promised to tell us the truth now, don't hide your emotions."
I gave her a tight smile. "Maybe if my emotions didn't fuck me up every time I let them out I wouldn't hide them."
"Calm down," she told me. "I was just concerned."
I was irritated. Maybe it was trying to keep up with sobriety, but my mood was very unstable lately, and right now it had suddenly changed.
"Shayley," Cameron said softly.
"Let's just simmer down," Austin said.
I rolled my eyes. "Leave me alone."
"You've come far," Khalan reminded me. "I just don't want you going back."
"Some faith you have," I muttered.
"Khalan," Shawn called, trying to stop her from speaking.
She shook her head. "You don't want us to tiptoe around your feelings Shayley, so I won't. If I don't feel good about something, I'm calling you out."
I clapped my hands together. "Well then, I give you permission. By all means Khalan, this time around, spare me."
"Oh come on," she said. "If we leave you alone you're just going to go back to ignoring us like you used to. You did it to me, you did it to everyone here, you did it to Charlie-"
I was taken aback by her attack. "Charlie? You bring up Charlie?!"
She sighed. "Shayley-"
I shook my head. "I should have known a part of you always resented me for breaking his heart."
"I don't resent you," she said.
"Take your own advice and tell the truth Khalan," I scoffed.
"I don't resent you!" she snapped. "I was annoyed, but what did you expect? He's my brother, and you could have handled things a lot differently than you did."
"I was going through shit Khalan," I remarked. "Sorry not all of us have perfect lives."
"My life isn't perfect," she stated.
I laughed bitterly. "Really? You know I thought out of everyone you would be the one to understand me even a little, but you seem to have forgotten that a while ago you were the one spiraling out of control...or was that just for attention?"
I knew she didn't do it for attention. No one in their right mind would want to go through something like that just because they wanted the fame. I only wanted to hurt her, and so I picked the most hurtful set of words I could think of and threw them in her face.
She glared at me. "That's low."
"You'll know wouldn't you?" I retorted.
"When did you become such a bitch?" she asked me. "Was that before or after you stopped being my friend?"
Liam and Renée walked in, and stopped when they sensed the tension in the room. The others just sat there, dumbfounded by what was taking place.
"Uh...so...no dessert?" Liam asked.
I shook my head and got up. "Enjoy your dessert. Oh and Khalan? Screw you."
I walked away, towards the front door, and stepped outside. I took in a deep breath, trying not to cry.
The door opened, and someone joined me.
"Are you okay?" Cameron asked.
I was a lot of things, but okay was far from any of them.
I shook my head, and then fell into his arms.
"Why am I like this?" I asked. "Why did I say all that?"
"You were both caught up in the heat of it," he said softly, squeezing me just a bit tighter.
I pulled away and sighed. "I'm sorry, I invited you to help take your mind off things. Now all you probably want to do is go home and pour yourself a drink."
He chuckled. "I've been wanting to do that for a while."
"Okay well don't," I said. "You're better than me Cameron, you can actually do this."
He shook his head. "Why do you place me on such a pedestal? I lied you know, when I said I hadn't had a drink since that night."
My eyes shot up in concern. "What?"
He shrugged. "We're all struggling one way or another Shayley, and just because I carry my problems well doesn't mean that they aren't heavy."
"I'm sorry," I told him. "But we can get through this-"
He stopped me. "Shayley, stop thinking like that. Stop worrying about me. What we're going through is bigger than the both of us. Don't try and carry my burdens in addition to yours. It's not your responsibility, never was, never will be."
"I care about you Cameron," I said.
"I know you do," he told me. "But you can't fix me if you haven't fixed yourself first. You need to go through this without me, and I need to learn to get through it without you too. You can't worry about me forever. Go back in there, both of you apologize to each other. Tomorrow's another day Shayley. We might fall in the dark, but the sun will rise, and we'll try again."
He was basically telling me to forget about him.
"I'm not keeping my distance Cameron," I argued.
He chuckled. "I'm not asking you to, at least not forever. I'm just saying take your time and fix things for yourself without carrying my problems too."
I sighed in defeat. "Okay."
He gave me a warm smile. "Good. Come find me when you're feeling better. You know where I'll be."
I nodded, and then he kissed my cheek and let me go. "Goodnight Shayley, we'll talk soon."
I smiled wearily. "Goodnight."
I watched his retreating figure for a while, before turning back to go inside the ranch. They were all still gathered in the kitchen, but I ignored them. Despite what Cameron told me I had no intention of dealing with that tonight. Instead, I went to my room, digging through Renée's stuff for the drugs she was holding hostage. She only gave me what I needed when I was going through withdrawal.
I found them and took two Xanax pills, sighing in relief.
I sat down at the foot of my bed in the darkness, staring at the pills in my palm.
You've come far...
What's the point?
Shayley...
I just needed...something...anything.
I picked up one with my other hand, and slowly rose it to my mouth. I was tempting myself, knowing very well that I wasn't strong enough to resist it.
Slowly, I placed the pill in my mouth, letting it dance on my tongue before swallowing it dry. It painfully went down my throat, and I could hear the demons in my head shout in jubilation that I had finally succumbed.
I looked at the other pill, and then did the same thing. My craving dared to ask me how many more I could risk consuming.
It was a blur. All I could remember was how the drowsiness started to take over, and slowly I closed my eyes, giving in to the darkness around me.
And in the silence, I felt a strange sense of peace.
Perfect peace.
A/N
Well shit Shayley...shit.
This isn't over.
I know some of you might be frustrated at Shayley's inability to make up her mind, and well that's perfectly understandable. Just try to understand her. She's afraid of committing to something new in Jacob's case. Not everyone can handle the responsibility of carrying other people's burdens, and that's what she thinks when it comes to Jacob, even though he can help her out of it. But with Cameron, they're both struggling. For her, he's the safe choice. Cameron knows how ugly things can get, and so he won't walk away from her. So she ignores the fact that they might not be able to help each other unless they help themselves first. She likes them both, but there's pros and cons to each of them. And I'll let you in on a little secret...
I can't seem to figure it out too ;)
So we'll see how this turns out. Everything will fall into place...eventually.
So those are my thoughts on the situation. Why do you guys think she's so torn? I'd like to hear your opinions too :)!
Vote and comment loves!
- amani