I think I've seen this film before and I didn't like
the ending
Six Months Later; January 2nd 2021
*flashback*
Taylor Swift's Point of View
I pace back and forth in our bedroom. Fear running over my shoulders. Should I tell him or run away? I should leave and never come back. No, I can't do that, I'm not a coward. Cowards walk away when they're scared. I'll just stand up and say it to him and maybe he'll have a good reaction. Oh god, what if he doesn't? Like it'll change anything about our relationship honestly. We're mad at each other all the time. Just do it Taylor, walk downstairs and just say it. Rip off the bandaid. This feels more like waxing my legs then ripping off a bandaid. That shit hurts way more. I inhale for 5 counts and hold my breath before exhaling for 5 counts. Okay, I can do this.
I finally walk downstairs where Joe is watching some T.V show. Honestly, whoever gets to the T.V first gets rights to choose the channel now. Sometimes I think he watches stuff I don't like just to spite me...or he has horrible taste in films. When I'm down there I stop on the final step, like I can't go on the same floor. I freeze in place and it feels like my feet are glued to the ground.
"Taylor, you've been standing on the steps for 10 minutes. What is it?" Joe says.
"So now you notice me?" God do we even talk anymore without it being an argument?
"Yeah because you're blocking the way to upstairs where I was gonna go. Taylor, what the hell do you want?"
"I'm pregnant." The words slip out of my mouth like an ice cube being hit across the floor...weird analogy.
"Ah fuck." Those are his first words of choice, honestly I don't feel much different.
"Well, I think I am. I'm not 100% sure...I just feel like I am. I have been getting sick and my boobs kinda hurt-"
"I don't care what you think. Let's just go upstairs and you can take a pregnancy test."
"Okay..."
We both head upstairs and he sits outside on my bed while I take the test. I finish after a bit and wash my hands. I then walk outside holding the test. The test is set on my nightstand and I turn the timer on my phone to go off in four minutes.
Joe looks at me with an annoyed face. "So?"
"We're gonna have to wait a few minutes. I know, the world is gonna implode with the both of us in the same room for more than 30 seconds."
Joe sighs before finally speaking. "Taylor, if it's negative, I'm leaving. I'm going to pack a bag, and leave this place. If it's positive, I'll stay until the baby dies."
"Damn, you really have no faith in my uterus."
"No. No I don't because your uterus is a freaking death chair. Any baby in there is gonna die."
"Wow and we're back to this. Sorry that I have crap biology." Why is every word we speak to each other passive aggressive or sarcasm? Why don't we ever have a conversation of decency?
"Why do you even want to stay together? I've been trapped in this fucking prison camp for months cause you won't let me leave."
"Because you're my husband. I love you and better or for worse...I'm stuck with you."
"Sometimes divorce is healthy. Sometimes is for the better."
"Joe, the only reason this hasn't been working out is because you refuse to fight for us. You refuse to put any work into this marriage and try and fix it. Why the hell won't you fight for us?" I ask.
"Because we aren't worth fighting for."
"Maybe if you would have put in some work-"
"We make each other miserable! When we're not fighting, we are either silent to each other or having sex. Usually we fight and have sex because you can't let go of me!"
"Joe, just please listen to me." I plead.
"We both let go and finally survived, but we will not survive this."
"Maybe we would if you-"
"You can't blame me for everything! You messed up just as much as I did."
"Just stay for a little longer. Please."
"I'm going to leave and find someone who I actually love." Those words sting more than a bee sting. A bee sting isn't actually that bad. Okay it hurts more than...something really bad that I can't think of right now.
"You don't love me anymore?"
"No. I stopped loving you the second you ran off and refused to acknowledge me."
"That was months ago, why are you still here then?"
"Because you love me and want me to stay. Every time I try to leave we just have sex and I feel obligated to stay."
"Well, I won't force you to stay anymore. Just go." There's a small pause but the silence is broken by the alarm on my phone going off. I walk over to the nightstand and pick it up.
"What does it say?" He asks.
"It's negative. I'm not pregnant."
"Oh thank god."
"So are you going to leave now?"
"Yeah I'm getting out of this hell hole." Joe throws some of his clothes into a duffle bag and a few other things.
"Please don't go." I beg.
"Taylor, no! We hate each other and this marriage has caused more pain then love."
"You're really leaving?"
"Yes. I'm done. We're done." Joe takes his bag and leaves. I look at him one last time before he slams the door and runs off. I begin to cry and I back into our room...my room.
• • •
The room is pitch black. The night leaves a dark atmosphere which also represents the time and definitely looking at the time, I should be asleep but I'm not. A lot of my songs have shown the time 2 a.m and I guess this is another 2 a.m moment. How can you be asleep though when the love of your life just walked out the door a few hours ago? As I continue to look at the ceiling in the night full with silence I try to remember how this all started and finished. How did it end like this? I decide if I'm going to be laying in a bed full of tissues, mascara staining my face while tears trickle down my cheeks, I should at least clean up. Is it just me or does cleaning help relieve some stress?
I sit up on our bed...my bed and dangle my feet off the end. I try and get the motivation to move but I can't. I bury my face in my hands as all has come to an end. My heart is feeling no pain like any other. I didn't think I could feel more pain then when I saw my own children die. Cause and effect, cause and effect, cause and effect. I wish those effects were good though. I wish they were good outcomes but they weren't. I feel the darkness eating me alive like a monster killing me from the inside out. My heart is strained and there's a weight on my shoulder that won't go away. I wipe the salty tears off of my face and try to breathe. With my bloodshot eyes, I attempt to stop crying. They finally stop after a lot of forcing.
I take all that is in me to just stand up and push myself off of the bed. I pick up all the drenched tissues and toss them away. I take the pregnancy test that ended it all and toss it in the trash. Little did I know at the time it was a false negative. I don't want to see that test ever again in my life. I go to the bathroom to wash off the my messed up makeup but all I see is black streaks running down my face and lifeless eyes. It's all black and white with no colors. The make up remover takes away all the streaks but I still picture them in my mind and see the pain in my face. It feels so hard to breathe. Breathing just seems impossible right now and my lungs are filled with water. I just keep filling my head with the thoughts of pain, tears and fighting.
The goodbye was predicable and I saw it coming but I didn't want it to end. I bet none of the Jaylor shippers did either. Apparently that's what they liked to call Joe and I. I think the ship name is cute but that ship is now as dead as the titanic. 7 hours 23 minutes ago is when it died. All my remaining happiness was drained. When he walked out the door with the bag I wasn't surprised. A year worth of fighting on the same topic will end some things. You just have to wonder if the issue is bigger then what the relationship can handle. I guess it was.
I see in the corner of my eye, a picture on the nightstand. I walk over to it slowly with my shoulders hanging low. I see the picture and it was a good time. It was happy. What is happiness again? I see the picture of Joe and I kissing in the picture frame. A picture is always a memory of the past and this was a good one. I pick it up slowly and analyze it. A small tear drips down my face and falls onto the glass frame. I barely even see a picture at this point. I see a frame with a picture but it's empty. All I can mentally see is a tear on an empty picture frame. The frustration and pain kicks in of how I see this picture and my veins fill with even more pain. I clench the side of the frames with my nails digging into the wood of it. The flashbacks of the fights play in my mind and it drives me insane. Flash, flash, flash, flash, fighting, pain, kisses dying, frustration and death. The inexplicable amount of emotions cause me to loose control. I toss the frame against the wall with all power in my body. I watch it hit, fall and every piece of it shatters. Everything. Not just a broken frame, it's shattered. Completely fallen apart and pieces are shattered all over the floor.
The tears I attempted to hold back turn into sobs again. They stream down my face and my eyes sting from the saltiness of them. I put my hands to my chest to breathe but I still feel nothing but pain. I break down and slowly fall down onto the floor. The shattered frame, the stinging eyes, the dark and the pain is all I feel.
People said our love would last. It would end in happiness and we would live our lives filled with magic. They believed that because that's what the public saw. No one saw what was actually happening to us, no one saw the spiral we were falling into. I take the a sheet from the bed and hold it to my chest. I basically hyperventilate with this sheet in my hands holding it to my face. I can still smell him.
I always said don't read the last page. The last page meant the end. The last page was read though. Joe Alwyn was the love of my life and he was that person that made me believe love existed. Now the relationship makes me believe that love exists but it never lasts.
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Author's Note
And it's come unto a full circle. The chapter went all the way to the first 😆
I'm so excited for the next chapter! I think you all will love it or maybe you'll hate it 🧐