I sit up, confused and vaguely aware of my surroundings. A blanket slips down off my shoulders as I do so. What time is it? What day is it? Where's Ezra? My phone has generously been placed on the coffee table in front of me. I reach for it and pull it in my lap. Clicking it on, I notice I've slept through yesterday and it is very early on a Thursday morning. Which likely means Ezra is in bed. I sigh at myself with annoyance.
I brush the blanket off of me and it lands in a heap on the ground with a muted thump. I stand, my joints aching. I practically hear my knees creak. The kitchen is still dark because it's so early. I flick on the light and make my way to the fridge. I'm so hungry, it all looks appetizing. I settle on cutting up bananas and strawberries to make a little fruit salad. It'd be better blended into a smoothie, but at this time? I pad back out to the living room and drape the blanket over my legs on the couch.
This may be the fastest I've ever rebounded after a numb day. God, I really was an ass yesterday. I hope Ezra isn't too angry with me, because I definitely deserve it. Well, actually, I kinda hope she is angry. It'd be better than having her be okay with it. Amber was always so, so angry. I can't believe I'd ever compare Ezra to her. Ezra is sweet, calm, affectionate and understanding beyond belief. Maybe I need more work than I thought with this whole loving and actually good relationship.
Well. What to do with myself? I tap my knees thoughtfully. No better way to cure sore muscles than exercise, right? I push the plush blanket off once more and quietly make my way to my room to throw on a clean pair of sweats and a hoodie. Brooklyn days can be cold, but mornings? Even more so. I connect my Bluetooth headphones to my phone and turn on my running playlist. At the street, I look around for a moment before turning left and start running.
My ponytail bobs behind my as I jaunt down the road. This early, the only people out are other joggers. I flash a smile at a couple of girls talking animatedly as they pass me. Per Ezra's suggestion, several Colbie Calliat songs have been added to my playlist. I am reminded of the morning I woke in her room when Falling For You comes through my ear buds.
Glowing sunlight illuminating the room as a girl with long blonde hair sings loudly. Her hazel eyes shimmer in the mirror and she smiles at me, a smile that shines brighter than the warm light filling the room.
I weave around a mother and child kneeling on the side of the sidewalk. I really have it good, don't I? So why did yesterday happen? It is hard to even believe myself that amidst this sweet relationship I have now, I ended up numb. How? It was so frequent when I was with Amber, because I shut off my feelings and emotions so often. I had to try not to feel upset when she yelled, crushed when she lectured me, pain when she hurt me. I had to fight the numb days for the sake of avoiding more injuries, waiting until a day to myself to completely lose all feeling. My breath quickens and I increase my speed. Ezra is constantly loving, and patient. Cradling me after a nightmare, asking questions and expressing curiosities to better understand my situation. Doing cute, sweet, little things that make the biggest difference in my day like leaving a sticky note on my laptop screen, or a cup of my favorite tea when I'm editing. My eyesight blurs slightly and the sign across the street wiggles. I feel a squeezing sensation in my chest.
What is happening that would cause me to relapse like this?
"Adora, I really can't say for sure. I'm sorry." My shoulders sag as I stare down at my hands in my lap. Jeanie, my therapist looks over at me with sympathy. "From what you've told me, things are doing good. You're happy, in a healthy relationship, and doing well with your career. And addressing your earlier idea, the nightmares are apart of the relapse. Not the cause."
After having a near mid-morning panic attack, I called up Jeanie halfway through my jog. Luckily enough for me, she had an opening since it was still early, so I made my way to her office. But first, I worked my way through the attack with one of my favorite exercises. Five things you hear. Well, the quiet drone of music from my earbuds around my neck. Traffic going down the road. Chatter of someone in the cafe beside me. My breathing, quick and gasping. The wailing of a child behind me. Then, four things you can touch. My hoodie sleeve, for one. The slippery phone in my sweaty hand. The brick building beside me. A green fern in a corner planter. Next, three things you can see. The sky, grey as per usual. White umbrellas above the patio tables outside the cafe. My trembling hands. Two smells. Inhale. Gasoline from the cars on the road. Freshly brewed coffee from next door. One emotion. Scared.
"Are you sure there's nothing else you can think of? Anything that could remind you of Amber in the slightest? I know you were shaken up from her attack at your apartment, but I believe you had succeeded in making it past that. It's unlikely that would have an impact now." I bask in the silence of her office for a moment. Outside, we are four stories up and a bird flies by the window. Grey, but not a pigeon. It rests on the window cill for a moment, its jade green eyes staring at me knowingly.
"Jade." I blurt out. Jeanie, knowing my thought process, waits for me to elaborate. "She was a girl I helped. I found her being beat in an alleyway by her boyfriend." I clench my hands together to prevent them from shaking. "She was bleeding really badly, from the back of her head and her nose. She was supposed to be pregnant." No luck. My hands shudder in my lap and I grip them until they turn white, but it does nothing. They quiver against the soft fabric of my sweats. "I had to go in and talk to police about it. Her family was overjoyed to meet me. Her mother thanked me constantly. It was like I mattered for a second. Like I did something good. I helped." Jeanie leans forward in her motherly way. She is so kind and gentle. Ezra wanted to meet her, and later Jeanie expressed how touched she was that Ezra was so enthusiastic to learn how she could help me. She takes my trembling hands in hers.
"Her boyfriend was beating her."
"Yes. She was crying and she was scared. Later she told me he was sweet, but got worse. Changed. He was perfect until he wasn't. He loved her until he didn't." My voice cracks. "Just like..." Jeanie nods and grabs the quilt on the sofa cushion beside me. She wraps it around me tightly, and rubs my arms comfortingly.
"There. That's it. You were reminded of your previous situation from someone in it like you did. You helped her escape him. You reached out to her and saved her. Like you wish someone had done for you." I sit impossibly still as tears roll down my cheeks. "Adora, we need to figure out why you're still hung up on this." Jeanie tucks the blanket corners in my hands and sits back across from me. My body still shakes with silent tears as I sit with my head down on her couch. "I know this is hurting, but we're on the cusp of..." Her voices fades despite the fact she's still talking. Familiar words echo through my head of past sessions. Cusp of a breakthrough. Important revelation. She's right, and I know it. "Okay?" Jeanie finishes and gives me a small smile. I nod and settle back against couch. The fabric of the quilt is cool against my sweaty hands and I focus on the floor beneath my feet. "You ready?" I nod again and open my mouth.
"Amber was loving in the beginning. She took care of me, made me happy, supported me, and did adorable, affectionate things all the time. Nothing could've been better. My life was perfect, and I thought I couldn't be happier It was so confusing and scary when she hit me for the first time. I didn't understand what happened. Even more so when it happened again. I felt so... lost. In the morning, she'd kiss my forehead and say she loved me, and then at night, she'd smack me and tell me how much of a disappointment I was. Just like Jade's boyfriend. He started out good, and became... terrible." Jeanie looks on thoughtfully.
"Adora, how do you feel when Ezra compliments you?" I furrow my brow.
"Happy. Touched."
"And?" Jeanie is a mind-reader.
"Scared. Confused. Worried."
"Right." Right what? "Okay." She takes a deep breath. "Why do you feel that way? It's a compliment. It means she loves you." I pick at a hangnail on my thumb without answering.
"Well, um... because Amber used to compliment me. Before she started to beat me, I mean. She used to love me."
"But you've said it yourself. Ezra isn't like Amber. Even when she's being sweet, you told me it was more pure than Amber. So why do you see similarities?" My neck hairs prickle with sweat and I scuff my heel on the carpet.
"Um." Jeanie is like this. Even when she understands what's happening, she still lets me figure it out myself. She leads me to the answer and makes me feel a lot better about the situation. It's nice, but can be really frustrating sometimes. "I'm afraid. I'm afraid Ezra will turn into Amber."
"But you've been together for some time now, right? Why would she start now?"
"Amber didn't start until nearly a year later. There's plenty of time for Ezra to decide she doesn't love me anymore." My voice is hollow and surprises even me. My eyes widen and I look at Jeanie with horror. She stares back at me silently.
"It all comes back to the root, Adora. The root Amber implanted. Your negative mental health is like a weed. You can pull it, but without fully removing all the roots, it can just regrow. You know what that root is." I stare down at my lap and struggle to take a deep breath. "What is it, Adora? We both know it. Admit it. Admit it to yourself, and we can work to kill the root." My throat closes and my chest squeezes.
"I... I can't..."
"You can." Jeanie gives me her notorious loving but firm glare. "Breathe, Adora. What is the root that is controlling you?" Tears pour down my face, splashing onto the surface of the quilt before sinking into the surface. I take in a shaky breath.
"I... I think I'm unlovable."
"And are you?"
"I..." I don't know. I can't come up with the answer. Meanwhile, I'm still bawling. Wordlessly, a box of tissues is pushed towards me, and I yank out a handful. "I'll be back with some water, okay?" She leaves and leaves me alone. I mop my face and sigh. Well, needless to say, this was another exhausting hour and a half. I guess I kinda forgot what it was like to have a breakthrough like that. I thought I'd made all the breakthroughs I needed. Guess not. Jeanie returns with a glass of ice water. She sets it on the table in front of me. I grasp it, and take a sip. The freezing water is relaxing. "I called Ezra to bring you home. Probably not safe to go home alone the way you are. She sounded concerned." Jeanie lifts an eyebrow at me. Oops.
"Yeah. She was still asleep when I left for my jog. I didn't want to bother her this early." Jeanie looks about to argue, but decides against it.
"That was thoughtful of you." I don't reply as the two of us wait for my hazel-eyed girlfriend. Only a few minutes pass before Ezra bursts through the door and wraps me in a death grip hug. I sigh and rest my head against her shoulder.
"Adora Quinn. How dare you leave like that?! No note, not a text, nothing. I was so worried!"
"Yeah. I'm sorry about that."
"Good. You should be." I almost begin to worry, but then she reassures me. "It's okay, though. At least you're okay." She squeezes once more before releasing me. Ezra cups my face comfortingly. They lack the smell of peach perfume, and I think of again how quickly she got here. She must have dropped everything to rush over here, and I fret about wasting her time. But the look in her eyes reminds me to not think that way. I place my hands over hers.
"Let's just go home."
A/N
Hiya, everyone! I felt this was a really important chapter to have, despite how short it is. I just want to assure you all that Unlovable will be edited to its best state once the book finishes! Scarily enough, that milestone might be on the horizon.
Oh, but fear not my loves! Unlovable's prequal will start once this book is over! Of course, that won't be for awhile yet, so don't worry! Shoutout + dedication to the person who guesses the timeframe for the prequal! Bonus points if you guess something close enough to the title, too! <33
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~Hedgehog