More than anything,
I admit to myself.
“No,” the word slips solemnly from my lips. “No, I don’t.”
“Liar,” Theo shouts at me, making me wince from the anger and the pain driving the word. “Absolute bullshit, Catherine. I know you want me. I felt it when we kissed. You want me.”
I hate it that he can tell when I am lying. I also hate it that my body can betray me like that, but I hate his sixth sense more. If he can see me this clearly when we’re in the dark, I dread the think how he could see through me in the cold light of day.
I stand up, trying to balance as my body starts to feel weak, but I can’t. I lean against the wall and try not to think of how I can feel Theo staring at me. I can feel his stare burning my skin, as if he’s trying to gauge my mood.
Suddenly, I hear him sigh heavily. Then I hear the rustling of coats on hangars. I hear him swear under his breath as he hits his head on the rail. I hear the sharp intake of breath when the pain hits him. I hear him move towards me.
But most of all, I hear the sincerity in his voice when he nears me, placing his hands on either side of my head, and speaks.
“Take a leap of faith.”
I froze. Horrified. Scared to death.
Leaps of faith are not possible, at least not for me. They require strength and courage, two things that I don’t possess. I could never trust myself to make that jump from the person that I am, to the person that I need to be. Fear gripped me from the inside out, pushing me further away from this person I had been just mere minutes ago.
Like an outer body experience, I felt as if I could see myself as I was in this second. Shivering, sniveling and crumbling in front of the only boy who had ever made me feel like I was worth it. I looked down on myself pitifully, screaming at myself to snap out of it, to find that brave girl that I had suppressed for far too long.
“Catherine,” I quivered at the sound of my name. “Don’t let fear decide your fate. Take a chance, or you’ll never know how amazing this could be. You and me.”
No, no, no. Silly heart, stupid brain, do not listen to him.
He’s trying to tempt you, and you shouldn’t fall for it. He’ll get bored of you. He’ll humiliate you. He will throw you aside like you meant nothing to him. He will hurt you. He will break your heart.
I repeat this mantra over and over in my head, but it’s useless. His words had infiltrated me, had filled me with this hope that he and I could be amazing. You and me.
I close my eyes, and following that soft voice that whispers to me, Leap.