I was supposed to come back on Sunday afternoon, not at sunrise after driving almost all night and dropping Liam at his place. That was not the plan, that was not how I prepared myself and I certainly didn’t fathom what was going to happen.
I’m so angry and disappointed and that’s one of the worst combinations ever.
I think of what happened, how Ruth looked like after Liam said those nasty things, how she cried and finally agreed to change the date. And worst of all, I think of Liam just accepting that instead of being the adult he is and doing something nice for his sister showing his consideration and I see red all over again. I can’t believe there’s someone as selfish as him. I really want to go back to his flat and just slap him silly.
By the time I walk inside my home, completely knackered and just begging for my bed, my father is already up. I really don’t understand how he can even wake up early on Sundays. If I can sleep in, then I sleep in, no matter what.
“Oh Belle! You’re here early. I thought you said you were coming around dinnertime,” Father says and I’m so tired I can barely make it to the table and sit across him. I don’t want to tell him what really happened but I don’t like lying to him and I’ve been doing that quite a lot recently.
“Some things happened,” I say and he looks alarmed, his eyes widen and his body leans closer to mine in that inviting attitude. “Nothing too serious, Dad. It’s just a family issue and it was better to just come right back after the party,” I explain. Not exactly a lie but not the whole truth.
“You look dead on your feet. Did you sleep on your way here?” he asks me next and I shake my head. He reaches out to grab my hand and gives me a light squeeze.
“Then you must go to sleep now. It’s really early, even for me. I just couldn’t sleep, I was so excited!” exclaims Father next and I smile. I might be tired, but I’ll always feel happy to see my father doing well as to smile so widely.
“Why is that?” I ask him with a soft smile and my eyes half-closed.
I think all the rage has faded and now I’m left exhausted and drained after holding it for so long. I snapped at Liam, but it could’ve been worse. I really don’t get enough credit for not murdering all the people that annoy me, which is almost everyone.
“Ariel is amazing, Belle. We’re working so well together. She’s really hardworking and obedient and I know she’ll get far. I haven’t felt so sure about an artist in so long. I close my eyes and I can hear all the arrangement for her songs, to make them even better. This album will be the best I have ever produced, I can feel it, Belle,” he finishes with a big smile, looking ten years younger.
Since Mother died, it was like Dad aged out of the blue, he suddenly looked at least five years older. For a while he was just a shell and I couldn’t even recognise the man that saw me being born. But today… today as he tells me this I can see that man that was a real father and who was great in his work. I see the man that got lost the moment Mum left us and that sight is the most invigorating thing I could’ve ever asked for.
This. This is what I always wanted to see, my father being really engaged in his work, excited and sure of every decision. This is what I needed and longed to see for so many years and it’s finally here. He’s found his path again, he’s on his feet and he’s moving forward, I can feel it.
It was worth it, then. All the annoyance, all the headache with Liam was worth it because my father is making the best out of his last chance.
And when I think of that I lose my smile because I realise something I had ignored until now: I’ll have to stay with Liam. He’s the reason why my father got this chance, if I break the contract Dad will also lose his chance with Ariel, I’m sure of that and I can’t do that to him, not when he’s finally getting back on his feet. I can’t, I won’t do it.
But I don’t want to see Liam again, I can’t stand him, not after what he did. He’s a beast and I’m not the same Belle from the fairy-tale, I can’t see the beauty inside him because there’s nothing there, there’s only a pretty wrapping and an empty inside, that’s what Liam is. I can’t go through something like this dinner party again. I want to quit, I want to get my life back, to be free from all these obligations and interactions I never wanted. I just wish things could be like before.
“Belle, what’s wrong?” asks Father and I have to shake my head to remind myself to keep the smile, because I can’t let my dad know what’s going through my mind.
“Oh, it’s nothing, I’m just tired. But forget that, I’m just happy about the news; it’s great, Dad! Congratulations! I’m sure it’s going to be the best album out there,” I tell him leaving my seat to go to him and give him a tight hug.
I hold on to him even tighter than usual because if I’m doing this… if I keep doing this is all because of him. Because I love my father more than anything and I want him to be all right, I want him to be himself again.
I don’t want to stay by Liam’s side, I really want to break the contract, but I’m strong and I’ve endured worse things during these years. I can bear with a stuck-up popstar for five more months if that means my father will produce a good album and be the man I used to know.
“Thank you, Belle. You’re the best daughter any man could’ve asked for. No matter how many times I disappoint you, you still support me and help me. Thank you so much,” he says and his voice sounds so strangled I feel like I’m going to cry, too. I hug him even tighter and he pats my back softly. “I know I’ve put you through a lot but I swear this time I’ll do things right and I’ll make you proud.”
“It’ll be fine, Dad. You’ll do great. I believe in you,” I tell him pulling back just to look him in the eyes, the smile still on my lips and I have to wipe the tears that are falling down his cheeks. He’s a very sensitive man and I think I take after him my crybaby-ness.
“Thank you, my Belle,” he replies and takes my face in his hands to leave a kiss on my forehead. “Now go to bed. Do you want me to prepare something before?” he questions next and I shake my head. “Sweet dreams, then.”
I kiss his cheek and pull back completely to then turn on my heels and walk away, towards my room. On my way I take off my coat and shoes and when I see my bed I throw myself at it with the dress still on. Right now I couldn’t care less about a dress, I just want to sleep and pretend that everything is fine, that I don’t have to stick to a contract, that my father is fine and I don’t have to sacrifice myself for him to find himself. I just want the sweet oblivion of dreams. I’ll organise my mind and what I’ll do later. I’ll find a new way to deal with Liam. There has to be a way in which I don’t end up killing him or jumping in front of a train. This is not what I want or the most ideal situation but I’ve never lived in comfort or had what I wanted. I’ve always fought, I’ve always taken responsibility for my father and taken the world by the horns. I just have to keep doing this, that’s all. This is how I ought to see it.
•••
By Wednesday Liam calls me and I don’t pick up at first not because I don’t want to—although if I had seen the incoming call back then I wouldn’t have picked up either but that’s not the point—but because I’ve just been really busy due to the fact that we are preparing a fair for parents. We—as in the teaching school body—want to show them the work their kids have been doing. I just notice the missing calls when I’m heading back home and I stop to consider whether I call him back or not for good ten minutes.
No, I don’t want to talk to him, I don’t even want to see him.
Yes, I’m still obliged to be with him, call him and see him because of the contract, I can’t escape that.
So because I’m responsible like that, I do call him back and he picks up at the first tone.
“Belle!” he exclaims and that surprises me. He sounds happy and relieved. “I called you a few times,” he says and I sigh. I had nine missing calls and I would say that’s more than a few calls.
“I’ve been really busy, that’s why I didn’t pick up,” I explain in a cold and detached voice. I did notice all the calls were during lunchtime, which means he didn’t forget I don’t pick up during classes. “Is there something you want to tell me? Some event we have to go or something?” I then ask. I won’t mention the contract as such just because I don’t want to fight anymore, not because I care about hurting his feelings or anything.
“In fact yes, I want to tell you something but I would like it if we can meet for that,” explains the popstar and I sigh.
“If that’s how it has to be I guess I don’t have a choice,” is my cold reply.
“Belle,” he says and this time it doesn’t sound like he’s scolding me or annoyed at me, it sound more like a plead.
“I have free time now, but not too much. Let’s meet at this café near my school. I’ll text you the address,” I say as flatly as I can.
“O-okay,” is his hesitant reply and I don’t wait for anything else, I hang up.
As I head to this café I sometimes visit after work, I text Liam the address and he replies with another texts saying he’ll be here in ten minutes. And he’s actually punctual, which surprises me. It’s not like he’s been late before, but since what happened at the party I can’t expect anything good from him.
Yes, I’m still very angry because of that, even if he didn’t do it to me. I’m just disappointed and angry because I had started to feel bad for my actions, because I really bought the whole nicer act but he wasn’t really trying. I don’t know what he was aiming for, to be honest.
“Thank you for meeting with me,” he tells me sitting across me and I just nod. “I was afraid that after what happened you wouldn’t want to see me again.” It’s the first time I hear him sounding so unsure, almost fragile. He doesn’t meet my eyes and he kind of looks ashamed.
“Let’s not talk about that,” I offer instead of telling him I’m forced to be here because of the contract. I would like to say that, just to hurt him.
“No, please, let’s talk about that,” he insists and I take a deep breath. Does he want us to fight again? “I know you’re angry and very disappointed in me, and I don’t blame you, Belle. I know what I did was wrong,” he continues and my eyes widen in surprise because I wasn’t expecting those words at all. “I know I don’t really have an excuse, but I want you to know I’m sorry. I called Ruth and apologised to her, too. I was drunk and pissed and I didn’t know how to control things, and for that I hurt people I love. You were right, my sister doesn’t deserve that and I’m a jerk.”
I can only blink as I listen to all what he is saying. This doesn’t look like the Liam I’ve known so far, this one is completely exposed, honest and vulnerable, regretful and even a bit scared. This is a very human Liam and I’ve been seeing him as nothing but a beast for four days.
“I just wanted you to know that I’m really sorry and I apologised, I even told Ruth to keep the date but she told me it was too late already and that she meant it about having me in her wedding. I didn’t want to hurt her, I swear. I love my sister.” He looks at me with pleading eyes, begging me to believe that he really means those words. “I don’t want you to believe I’m just a bad person.”
I was believing that, I was actually seeing him as a horrible person but as I stare back at him right now it’s hard not to see the human part.
This is a chance I can take to make things easier between us. He is apologising and I don’t need to make things more complicated than they are. If I just accept his apologies and leave this behind, these following five months will be easier for both of us. If I keep resenting him and fighting him then I’ll only make it harder and it’ll feel longer.
If he’s showing some regret then I must take this chance and use it for the better.
With that in mind, realising this is my new approach to deal with Liam, I say; “We all make mistakes. Just make sure not to hurt your family again.”
He doesn’t realise at first that I’m actually accepting his apology and understanding what he just said, but once he does compute it he smiles brightly at me, like I haven’t seen him before. An honest and very boyish smile and I sigh.
I just hope this approach works better.
-:-:-
Last update of the year! Thank you all for reading and I hope you continue doing so the next. I clearly have more to write.
Bel, xx