"I am so sorry. That was so embarrassing," I said as I entered the kitchen area of the tour bus. I had woken up after a semi forgotten night in Harry's bunk alone. Harry looked up from where he sat shirtless on the couch reading.
"No it's not. It happens. No need to be sorry, love," Harry said, scooting over on the couch to make room for me. I sat down crossing my legs and leaning over to place my head in his lap.
"No that does not just happen. I was so weird. I don't remember much but I know I talked a lot. Super annoying." I said with a groan. I vowed never do that again because of the way I act. I don't like it. It isn't me. Harry placed the book down next to him.
"It's okay to have fun. Fun is what you need more of. You did talk a lot and that is okay. Everyone reacts differently. Nothing to be ashamed of," he said as he began to stroke my hair. He surprisingly wasn't making me feel any better. I was doing okay mostly for the first half of the night. We arrived to the party and everything was fine. Everyone was having fun. As more and more bodies entered the home, panic began to set in and the only thing that kept playing in my head was that night. I figured the only thing that would save me from my memories at that moment would be more weed. That wasn't such a good idea. I just became more stupid. All I could do was groan again. "Have you ever been to New York?" Harry asked and I shot up.
"In my dreams. It is one of the places I have always wanted to go to. Something about the city life, it seems so beautiful to me." I almost forgot we were headed there today.
"City of dreams, lights, and love. Everything a girl could want. We have today and tomorrow before the show on the seventh. What do you want to do?" Harry said, a smile planted on his face.
"Everything. Wait. For sure the zoo. I love the zoo," I said a smile coming to my face thinking of penguins and monkeys. I dreamed of seeing the penguins and monkeys at the Central Park Zoo.
"Okay the zoo it is," he said with a chuckle.
"When do we leave?" I asked eagerly.
"Uhm," Harry pulled his phone out of his sweats pocket, checking the time. "It's two now, so in an hour."
"Were you going to wake me up? Or let me sleep through the flight?" I shot out of my seat and booked it into the back to start packing, as Harry laughed.
***
The airport was different when you were with someone famous. Plans had to be made and there was security. Lots of security. The plus side was private TIA. We made it on to our flight no problem. I took a seat with a deep breath.
"You okay?" Harry asked leaning over to look in my eyes.
"Falling. It isn't the flying that scares me. It is the feeling of falling that I have a fear of."
"What do you normally do to distract yourself?"
"Music and sleep usually."
"Sleep. Hm. Look who is talking about it now," Harry said with a chuckle.
"Okay smartass." I leaned down to my bag under the seat and pulled out my laptop.
"Watcha doing?" Harry asked leaning back into his chair.
"I figured I could get some writing done," I said pulling open my blog page.
"Here let me," Harry said pulling my laptop into his lap and began typing. After a few seconds he handed my laptop back to me and I read over what he wrote.
"There are microscopic mites living in your eyebrows and eyelashes. I learned that in science class," I read out loud, shooting Harry a look, "H, what is this?"
"I'm just educating your readers, don't worry about it," he said closing his eyes. He had a smile on his face and I couldn't help but just stare at him. The way everything was so perfectly placed on his face, amazed me. I looked back to my computer with a chuckle, leaving what he wrote and continuing on.
Somedays you never realize that there are people in your life, changing you for the better...
***
"So what's first?" Harry asked from where we sat in the car. I peeled my eyes off the city out the window, turning to look at him.
"I'm not sure. Let's ask the expert." I unbuckled my seat belt sliding to the middle seat, closer to Harry, and then slide forward so I was half way in the front, closer to George. "What do you suggest, Mr. expert?"
"Well, that depends, walking or no walking?" George asked, quickly glancing at me before looking back at the road.
"Uh, walking, for sure. After last night I think some walking will be good."
"Okay then you need to walk the bridge. Now sit back up and buckle back up please." I immediately sat back in the seat and buckled up.
"Yes sir." I watched as he drove, my hand instinctively floating over and intertwined itself with Harry's.
"You excited?" He asked. I turned my head to look at him, a wide smile on my face.
"You can tell?" Harry nodded, his dimple peeking out.
"You are practically jumping out of your seat." He said with a chuckle.
"It's a dream come true. Last few days have been like a dream come true. Thank you for that," I said squeezing his hand.
"I had nothing to do with it," he said turning his head so he was now looking out the window.
"Okay," I said in a fake British accent, with an added eye roll. Harry quickly turned his face back towards me.
"What was that?"
"Nothing. We never have to talk about that again."
"That was seriously the worst British accent I have ever heard."
"I said we don't have to talk about it, love," I said in my mock accent again.
"Please never stop," Harry said between laughs.
"Oh, you like it then, huh?" The accent only getting worse as I went on.
"No, I love it." Harry said with his best American accent. I couldn't help my laugh that arose. At this point Harry was holding his stomach, throwing his head back with a laugh.
***
"Why don't you go home to Emily," Harry said to George as we pulled up to a parking spot.
"Sir?" George asked looking back to Harry.
"You, Emily, home," Harry said back with a wink. George smiled with a nod as Harry and I climbed out. Harry closed the door behind me and I looked up to him with a wide smile. "What?" He asked with a puzzled look.
"Thank you," I said wrapping my arms around him.
"Well you said it yourself, George deserves better." I stood on my tiptoes planting a kiss on Harry's lips.
"He does."
"Come on," Harry said taking my hand in his and pulling me towards the entrance of the Brooklyn bridge. The walking area was large and went on top of were the cars drove. As we walked further, I was in awe of what was before us. I could see ocean and all of the skyscrapers and buildings that formed the city. "You like it?"
"This is amazing. This is my first time seeing the ocean," I said to him as I peered to my left watching as a ferry boat passed underneath.
"Is it really?" I nodded at him. There was so much to take in and I was so glad I was here seeing it with him. "Well come here." Harry motioned for me to follow him towards the other side of the bridge. "Excuse me, can we borrow that?" Harry asked the man standing next to us with a sharpie in his hand.
"Of course," the man said in what I could only assume was an Australian accent. There were so many different types of people surrounding us. It was beautiful seeing so many people in one place, taking in all of the same beauty and history at the same time. Harry took the sharpie pulling open the lid and writing his name and then turned the marker towards me. I reluctantly took the sharpie writing mine next to his. He took the sharpie back writing 'Love Always' and a heart next to our names before he capped the marker and handed it back to the man with a thanks, and capturing my hand in his.
"Come on we got to make it to the other side." He began to pull me along.
"How long is the bridge?" I asked him. I didn't realize how hot New York could get in the summer. I forgot humidity was a thing.
"It's a mile across so you better get walking."
"I bet you I could make it to the other side before you," I said as I took off running. It only took about thirty seconds before I was out of breath and slowing down, and Harry wasn't even chasing me.
"Well that didn't take long," Harry said walking up to me.
"You be quiet." I tried to catch my breath, but before I could Harry was in front of me.
"Get on my back," he said.
"You're funny sir," I said walking past him.
"No I am serious," he moved in front of me again. I rolled my eyes putting my arms around his shoulders and easily jumping onto his back. "See not so bad. Come on I have the perfect place to go."
***
"We just went a mile and now you want to drink a margarita?" I asked looking at Harry in awe. We made it across the bridge and into Brooklyn, setting me down, and taking my hand once we reached this side, he said I know a place and walked me two blocks into Brooklyn, stopping at a taco bar.
"Yeah, it's hot, they're frozen, it's good." Harry took my hand pulling me into the bar. He seemed so happy and excited, that I didn't know how to tell him I hated margarita's. We sat down and he ordered us two drinks.
"Is this sugar?" I asked looking at my drink. Harry nodded as he took the short paper straw in his mouth sipping on the drink. I slowly took the straw in mine. The cold ice hit my mouth and I cringed away.
"What?" Harry asked pulling away from his drink.
"Me and tequila don't mix. The only thing this drink is good for is as one of those food pictures on Instagram," I said taking out my phone and snapping a picture of my drink.
"What do you know about food pictures on Instagram?" Harry asked with a chuckle.
"Hey! I'm learning," I said shooting a finger at him.
"Says the girl who accidently went live to seventeen thousand people," Harry said as he placed the straw back in his mouth.
"There wasn't that many people was there?" I asked my eyes going wide. I knew there was a lot of people watching but not that many.
"Yeah there was."
"Oh my god," I groaned, placing my head in my hands.
"Would this be a bad time to say I was also on stage so a couple more thousand seen what was going on?" I turned my head towards him. He was still just sipping on his drink.
"You think? Oh my god," I said putting my head back into my hands with a groan.
"Oh come on. It wasn't that bad," he said putting his hand on my back.
"Oh no not bad at all. Just thousands of people thinking I'm some sort of weirdo."
"Being a weirdo is okay. I'm a weirdo."
"We are two different types of weirdo," I said sitting up. Harry squished his face in question. "You're the attractive and funny kind of weirdo. I am just weird."
"I don't think what you just said is a thing but if it is, I think you are the attractive and funny kind of weirdo too."
"Okay," I said in my mock accent with an eye roll, once again.
"See," Harry said with a chuckle, "So what now?"
"Subway."
"What?" Harry asked.
"Subway. I have always wanted to ride the subway."
"Okay and where do you want to take the subway too?" He asked placing some money on the bar and standing.
"Anywhere," I said, licking the sugar off the rim of my drink before standing and looking at Harry, a look of bewilderment on his face. "What?"
"An attractive weirdo," he said, taking my hand in his.
***
"So is it as great as you imagined?" Harry asked. We were seated on the train, headed to a non disclosed location. But I didn't care. I was living my dreams. And I was living them with Harry. If I wasn't sure before, I definitely knew now, I would follow this man anywhere.
"Better." The train came to a screeching halt as all the people begin to pile out of it. Harry once again grabbed my hand forcing us to stand, and leading me off the train and leading me up and out of the subway and into the setting light of New York city. The sun was going down on one of the most beautiful cities I've ever seen, but that didn't mean the people were going to sleep. The night life was just beginning, and there were so many glowing lights around me. "Time square?" I asked looking at all the marvelous things around me.
"I wanted to show you one of the reasons they call it the city of lights," Harry said fanning his hand around him. I looked at all the billboards around us spotting a specific one in particular.
"Hey. Look it's you." There was a large billboard above our heads advertising Harry's shows at Madison Square Garden. "You look better up there," I said jokingly.
"I know I don't know what they do to it. I want to know how to look like that in my everyday life," Harry said a puzzled look on his face.
"Oh shut up."
The rest of the night went by quickly. A little too quickly. I wished I could freeze time keep us both in that moment. But arriving back at the hotel I couldn't help but not keep my hands off of Harry. It was just something about him. Was it the way he looked at me, the way he made me feel loved, or the feeling of his skin on mine, I wasn't sure. But I knew, my favorite part of it all, was waking up in his arms.
"Zoo?" I asked opening my eyes, and staring directly at him.
"Zoo." Harry nodded, his eyes still closed. I threw my body off the bed and booked it towards the bathroom, I was so excited for monkeys.
I didn't know what it was, about the shower, but every time I got in it, I couldn't help the memories of Harry's touch, that creped into my mind. But along with those, came the farthest most darkest memories of my past. I knew that this would probably become a routine. Harry's touch and then the next day a punishment for myself. But that was the price I was willing to pay to be with the man that I knew at that moment, I loved. I turned the water on hot, stepping under, and hoping one day, all my past memories would be burned away.
***
"Just look at them. You can't tell me that having a monkey on the bus during tour, wouldn't be the most fun ever."
"It definitely would. But I'm not sure how we would make that work," Harry said as I bounced up and down watching the monkeys swinging from their vines.
"I know. It would just be the best time."
"Come on," Harry said, taking my hand and leading me away from my monkeys.
"But Harry. The monkeys," I said looking back at my friends.
"I know, but DJ, penguins."
"Oh yes, penguins." I was so excited as he lead me into a building. The inside of the building was dark, the only lights on where the ones inside the exhibits. I looked around me at all the many birds in their homes. "How about a tour penguin?" I asked raising my eyebrows up at him.
"DJ," Harry groaned out.
"I know I know," I started, "I'm not sure how we would make that work," I said mocking Harry.
"How about some ice cream?" Harry asked rolling his eyes.
"I would prefer a monkey but I guess ice cream is fine," I said following Harry back out into the open.
"You sit here and I'll be right back." I sat down on the bench and began to watch the seals as they played in the water, waiting for Harry's return.
"Coffee flavored ice cream." Harry handed me a bowl of my favorite flavor.
"You remembered," I said taking a spoonful in my mouth, remembering our game of twenty questions, when he asked me my favorite flavor of ice cream.
"Yeah I find it funny. A girl who detests the taste of coffee, but loves it as an ice cream," he said with a chuckle sitting down next to me with his plain vanilla.
"I don't know, it's different. You wouldn't understand," I said with an eye roll and another spoonful.
"So I got you something," Harry said. I turned my body to look at him as he stared straight ahead at the seals.
"I really hope you didn't," I said back to him. He couldn't possibly give me anything that would top what he already has given me. Harry looked from the seals to me.
"What do you mean?"
"You have already given me so much."
"Well this is little and I think you will like it," he said with a smile. He reached to the opposite side of him, pulling up a small stuffed monkey. "I know it isn't a real monkey but here is a tour pet for you." My heart began to beat faster than I could control. I was just joking with him but he cared enough to try and make me happy.
"Oh my god Harry, thank you. I love," stopped before I could say it. You. I wanted to say it to him but I was still scared. I didn't want to say it and have him not feel the same way. I was scared to be rejected. "It. I love it. Its perfect," I continued, taking the monkey in my hands, running my hands over the soft brown fabric.
"I am glad. What are you going to name it?" A wide smile was on his face as I tried to think of a name for him.
"Seagull. I am going to name him Seagull," I said with a laugh, thinking about the times I called Harry a seagull.
"Oh lord," Harry said throwing his back up against the bench's back with a groan and chuckle.
***
Harry had an interview and then we were headed for dinner with George and his wife. I was excited to meet Emily. I just knew I would love her because I loved George. I told Harry I wanted to stay at the hotel during his interview so that I could get ready. I threw on the only dressy clothes I packed. My hair was curled and I put on the black dress and heels, before walking to look at myself in the mirror. I wasn't sure what it was but this was the first time was looking at myself and not cringing. There was a knock on the door before Harry walked in, stopping in the door way and just stared at me. He slowly turned, shutting the door behind him and slowly walked towards me. He gently took my face in his hands and kissing me gently. A shock went through me as I stood on my tip toes, throwing my hands around his shoulders, and deepening the kiss.
"You look so beautiful. Is it to late to call and cancel?" Harry asked between the kiss. I pulled back slapping Harry on the arm.
"Yes, Harold, and if you don't hurry we are going to be late." As much as I would love to lock ourselves in this hotel room and never leave, I wanted nothing more in that moment but to meet Emily.
"Okay I'm going I'm going," Harry said walking backwards towards the bathroom, hands raised in surrender. I watched as he turned pulling his t-shirt off and throwing it in the corner, before turning his head towards me with a wink, and walking into the bathroom, closing the door.
"Men," I said rolling my eyes and moving to the corner to pickup his dirty shirt.
***
"Nice to see you again, Emily," Harry said wrapping the woman up in a big hug. George came up to me, placing a hand on my shoulder as I watched the woman before me. She was beautiful. She had long brown hair, that was in a long braid down her back. She was wearing a long dress with lacy sleeves.
"I've missed you," she said, pulling out of the hug, turning towards me. "And this must be DJ."
"Yes. This is my girlfriend DJ. DJ this is Emily, George's wife," Harry said motioning for me to come closer, but I was frozen. That was the first time he used that word. Girlfriend. I didn't know one word could send so many butterflies to my stomach. Even though I hadn't said it out loud I knew it was what I wanted, and now I knew he wanted it too. It took me a minute to shake away the feeling I was having before I stepped forward.
"It is so nice to finally meet you," I said to her holding out my hand. She push my hand away and instead wrapped me into a hug.
"We hug here. George has told me so much about you. I was so excited we are finally meeting."
***
It was amazing spending the whole night just listening to Emily talk. She was truly an empathic heart and even though we didn't say any specifics, she knew what was going on in the inside of my heart. I felt like an open book with her, even though I wasn't saying anything. As we hugged goodbye the last thing she said to me was, "Sometimes the smallest light shines so bright, don't forget that." I knew in that moment, I needed to be stronger and try harder but I wasn't sure how I could.