"It's a boy!"
"He has no lips, how will he get a kiss kiss?!" Y/N wailed as the nurse handed her her newborn baby, tears streaming down her face. Katsuki let out a shaky breath, running a hand through his hair.
"Holy shit, it's a fucking baby."
"Shhh! Don't say fuck in front of the baby! He might hear you!" Y/N hissed, eyes wide. The doctor coughed, turning to Katsuki with a pair of scissors.
"Would you like to do the honors of cutting the umbilical cord?"
Katsuki eyed the pair of scissors with distaste, but otherwise grunted in response and took them. Y/N rocked the baby in her arms, silently weeping with joy. Katsuki trudged towards the hospital bed, grumbling.
"Careful, idiot, you're gonna end up drowning the baby with your tears."
"But he's so cuteeeee! I love himmm!" Y/N sobbed, stroking the baby's head gently. Katsuki sighed and swiftly snipped off the umbilical cord, making Y/N gasp in horror.
"KATSUKI, YOU CUT OFF HIS PEEPEE!! OUR BABY'S PEEPEE!!"
Y/N started to cry, making her baby stare up at her in shock. Soon, both Y/N and her son were crying loudly, neither of them knowing why.
"Um, ma'am, that's just the umbilical cord." The doctor piped up, shifting uncomfortably. Y/N and her baby's cries of anguish died down and she stared at the doctor with wonder, her E/C eyes sparkling.
"Can I eat it?"
"What're we gonna name the baby?" Katsuki said abruptly, not giving the doctor the chance to cry from her big dick energy. Y/N turned to him and smiled, cheeks rosy.
"Gordon—"
"Not fucking Gordon."
"Bartholomew—"
"Not Bartholomew either."
"Loaf-by-loaf—"
"We're naming him Enka." Katsuki announced, turning to the doctor. The older man smiled awkwardly and nodded, already aching to go home, watch hentai, and cry in his bathtub for twenty minutes. Y/N pouted, cheeks puffing out.
"If I knew I wouldn't get to name him Gordon, I would've committed fetus deletus—"
"M-Mrs. Bakugo, would you like a picture taken of you and your child?" The nurse asked, clapping her hands together and smiling sweetly. Y/N grinned, nodding her head vigorously as Katsuki begrudgingly handed the nurse his phone.
"You bet! Get Bakudaddy in here, too!"
Katsuki didn't bat an eye at the nickname, instead choosing to stand next to his wife's hospital bed and wrap an arm around her shoulders. Y/N smiled happily, carefully cradling her son in her arms. The old nurse gave the couple an airy smile as she held up Katsuki's phone, then took a picture. She lowered the phone and tapped on the photo, her eyes widening.
"Oh dear, I'm sorry, I took a picture of my nose. Let me try again."
Katsuki resisted the urge to ascend to another plane of existence, forcing a smile. "I-it's...fine."
"Katsuki, do you need to take a shit? You look like you're trying to force out a huge load of dookie!" Y/N exclaimed, staring up at her husband. The baby giggled, waving his hands in the air. Katsuki spluttered, face turning red as he glanced down at his wife and child.
"N-no, idiot, I took a shit an hour ago!"
"Alright, say cheese!" The nurse hummed, clicking the camera button again. Y/N and Katsuki quickly smiled, Enka cooing happily in his mother's arms.
'You fucking fools, you have no idea what I'm capable of! I may have the body of a newborn baby, but I have the mind of an evil genius due to my mother's quirk! I plan on shitting on father's lap when I get home, and maybe even pissing on him if I'm feeling extra special! Watch this, you monkeys, I will astound you all with one word! I will be the god of this world!"
"B-B..."
Y/N gasped, staring down at Enka with round eyes. "Katsuki, he's gonna say his first word! Scary, considering he was yoinked out of me a while ago, but cool!"
"B...B..."
"He's gonna say either bitch, butthole, balls, or boobs." Katsuki said bluntly, smirking with pride.
"B...!"
"Nah, fam, he's gonna say 'big dick energy'!"
Enka took in a deep breath, cheeks rosy as he smiled.
"Bakudaddy!"
Y/N let out a cheer and started to cry, nuzzling the baby. However, Katsuki stared down disgustedly at the small baby, crimson eyes glinting.
"Is it too late to get a fucking abortion?"