Chapter Ninety-Five
Dani
It takes us quite a long time to figure out where my route started about 6 years ago. Some of the streets have changed and we can't drive through them. My mind can picture the roads the way they were and not seeing the same pictures is frustrating. I feel like I'm wasting Eli's time and that I'm failing yet again. At one point, I just rub my hands over my face and let out a long sigh.
“I'm sorry, Eli. I think it's this way, but I'm not sure. This has changed and I don't know it...”
He pulls the car over and leaves it running while he grabs my attention, “Hey, look at me Dani... It's ok. I know this isn't easy for you. I know the scenery is different now to back then. I understand you weren't exactly in a great frame of mind when you walked this path. I get all of that and I'm not judging you or putting any extra pressure on you. At least I don't mean to put any pressure on you. Of course I want to find these people, but not at the expense of making your life a misery. We will find them. I will keep looking and chasing up every lead until I find them. I promise. So take a deep breath and try to relax. There's no pressure here. It was just an idea and if it doesn't work out, then we'll do things another way. Ok?”
I nod and take some deep breaths. I briefly shut my eyes and try to clear my head a bit. I'm startled by a knock on the window and I let out a squeak in fear as my body involuntarily jumps. My eyes fly open and I see Eli letting his window down. There's a cop standing on the other side of the door and he asks, “Everything ok in there, ma'am?”
I'm shocked he's even speaking to me, let alone asking if I'm ok. My mouth opens, but nothing comes out. I must look like a fish dry drowning or something.
The cop continues, “You're not allowed to stop here. Ma'am, is there something going on here that I need to know about? If you want to get away, you can come with me...”
I shake my head furiously. There's no way I'm getting out of this car, especially if Eli isn't with me.
“Sir, I'm going to have to ask you to exit the vehicle, please...”
Eli moves to open his door and I nearly shout, “No!”
I shock the patrol officer, but not Eli, with my outburst.
Eli murmurs, “It's ok, baby. I'm just going to sort this out with the officer. I'll be right back. You can lock the door after me.”
As soon as Eli's door is shut, I press the lock button. I can just about hear them talking outside over my labored breathing, so I try to sit still and quiet to find out what's going on.
Eli explains, “I'm with the SWAT team at Midtown South.”
“I need to see some identification so I can verify that, sir.”
“Of course.”
Eli pulls out his wallet, instead of his badge and then he explains, “We're on a recon mission and I don't know who is watching. I don't want anyone to know I'm a cop. Is there any chance you can radio through to my precinct and ask to speak to my Cap? His name is Captain Michaels.”
The patrol officer eyes Eli suspiciously, but heads back to his car to verify the details. When he returns, he says, “I'm sorry for questioning you, Lieutenant.”
“Not at all. I'm glad you're doing your job properly. Is this usually your patch?”
“Yes sir.”
“Maybe you can help me. I'm looking for an alley that has a wall with a big winged skull pictured on it. I know it's not much to go on. It may be a poster or sign...?”
“Could it be graffiti, sir?”
“Yeah, it could be. At this point, I'm willing to check any leads out.”
“There's a back alley near a restaurant in Brighton Beach that has that kind of graffiti on it. There's a number of different tags sprayed onto those walls.”
“Any chance you can give me directions to that alley?”
“Sure thing. It's right near Primorski. If you type the restaurant name into your cell, it'll give you directions straight to it.”
“Great. Thanks. Do you have a good knowledge of what goes on around here? Like who causes the most trouble or what type of trouble I should look out for?”
“Well, there are a number of gangs in the area, but the Russians and Italians have most of the area covered. There's a lot of hidden stuff going on, but it's mostly the usual crime you'd see.”
“Thank you for your help, Officer. Keep up the good work.”
Eli taps on the window when he gets back to the car and I unlock the doors.
He shoots me a smile and says, “See, I told you it would be ok. I think we might have a lead. He gave me a location that might be the alley. It's behind a restaurant called Primorski. Does that sound familiar?”
I think really hard, but nothing springs to mind so I shake my head and apologize.
“No need to apologize, Dani. We're actually making progress here. You can't apologize for what you don't know or remember. Let's see if we can find this place, huh?”
I reluctantly nod. This is all getting far too real and far too close. We're obviously getting closer to where I was dumped and we're running a massive risk of being seen. If they recognize me, there's no telling what they will do. They could and probably would kill us. We've already seen how badly they want me dead. They don't want their little secret out and they don't want any witnesses. They know the men that go there won't say anything. They're either scared they'll be killed, in the Bratva, or just enjoying the benefits of the whole sordid situation.
While the drugs stop me from full out panicking, they don't stop me from being aware of our current situation. My hands are shaking and it's not just because of my fear of remembering or my fear of these people finding me. I'm scared that they'll find Eli and hurt him or even worse, kill him.
I whisper, “Eli?... I don't want to do this any more...”
“Really?”
I nod and he eyes me closely before asking, “What's wrong, Dani?”
“It's too much...”
“You want to leave it until another day? We can always come back...”
I almost shout, “It's not safe!”
Once I realize what I've done, I gasp and cover my mouth with my hands; willing the words to come back.
“I'm not going to let anything happen to you, baby. We won't even get out of the car. We can just drive off quickly if you think something is wrong...”
“If they see you, they'll kill you. I don't want you to die, Eli...!”
I'm trying to get myself under control again, but the thought of losing Eli is more than I can bear.
“I'm not planning on leaving you, sweetheart. I won't let anyone hurt you or me. I promised I'd stay with you until the end, and that's what I'm going to do. No, don't say that this could be the end, because it's not. Ok? I don't want you to back out of this just because you think they'll kill me. I want to find them so you can live without the constant fear of them finding you. Do you want us to go home just because you're worried I'm going to get hurt?”
I'm sure my cheeks turn bright red and I shrug. I don't want to completely commit to that statement.
I hear the smile in his voice as he says, “While I'm touched you feel that way, I honestly think we need to do this. I will keep both of us safe. Officer Sullivan knows where we are heading, and he'll know if anything happens. It's going to be ok, please trust me. I know that's hard for you to do, but I promise I will keep you safe. I've never broken a promise to you before, have I?”
“No sir.”
“And I don't intend to start now. Are you ok for us to go now?”
While I'm not really ok with it, I still nod. I don't want to disappoint him. If I don't try to help him, then Eli will just go out and try to find these people by himself. He might even do something dangerous to get information. I don't want him to do that. At least if I'm with him, I'm a bargaining chip. I can trade myself for him if it ever comes to that. I hope we never get put in that position, but I have to try to prepare myself for it. To save him, I would trade myself. I've lived that life before and while I never want to go back to it, I want to keep Eli safe even more. He doesn't deserve the kind of life they would make him live if they kept him alive.
We drive for almost ten minutes before I recognize my surroundings. I feel my breath hitch and I snap the band that's on my wrist like a crazy woman.
Eli's voice is on edge as he asks, “What? What's wrong?”
“It's down there... Eli... It's there...!”
“Good girl! We found it!”
I don't know why he sounds so pleased. I'm actually petrified right now. We need to get out of here before we are seen. We have to go before my heart can't take anymore.
“We don't have to go in there, do we?”
“Not if you don't want to. You're sure this is the right place?”
“Yes.”
“Ok. We've got a starting location, Dani. That narrows the field greatly. Come on, let's get out of here.”
It's not until we're almost back at his parents house that I let out a huge breath. I knew I was scared, but I didn't realize just how much it was taking a toll on me until we drive into his parents' neighborhood. Eli must notice this, because he quietly says, “I'm sorry I put you through that, baby. I didn't mean to scare you like that. Sometimes I forget that it's different for you. I know you want them punished and you want to be free from the fear they'll find you, but it holds a lot more baggage for you. I'm looking at it from a cop's point of view and I need to take your feelings into consideration a little bit more. I'm sorry sweetheart.”
“It's ok.”
He smiles at me but I can see the fatigue and the distress behind the smile. He's tired of this whole thing. I think he wants this to be over more than me. I'm sure he thinks finding and punishing these people will almost be like a miracle cure. That I'll somehow magically be better and forget everything that's happened. I don't believe it's an intentional thing for him, I honestly believe he thinks I'm so frightened they'll find me again that it is hindering my healing. While that may be true to some degree, it's not the main reason. The memories and the disgust with myself are the major reasons I can't heal properly.
Eli snaps me out of my thoughts and I suddenly notice we're sitting in his parent's drive.
“Hey, what's going on in there? You were miles away.”
“Just thinking. We're very late for work, Eli...”
“I know. It's ok. I spoke to the Cap earlier. Come on, let's go get some breakfast.”
As soon as we step in the front door, Connie appears, looking very worried.
She gushes out, “There you two are! I was so worried. I thought the team had been called out on an emergency...”
“Sorry ma, we went out in the middle of the night on an errand and I didn't want to wake you or pops.”
“It's my fault, ma'am. I'm sorry.”
“As long as you are both ok, then that's all that matters. I have some good news for you both though. Come eat something and I'll show you.”
As we sit at the breakfast bar, she produces a vast breakfast for Eli and myself. There's fruit and a selection of cooked food. We grab some food and Eli encourages his mom to tell us what's going on.
She smiles brightly and excitedly says, “There's a place for sale just a few miles from here. It's a beautiful house, with a garden and an indoor pool. I think you should take a look at it. I have some brochures here and I can set up a viewing as soon as you'd like.”
I nearly choke on my food. We literally just spoke about this last night. How on earth did she come up with this so quickly? Unless she already knew and was just waiting for Eli to speak to me about it. Eli seems to have the same expression as me, although I'm sure he's hiding it better than I am. That makes me realize I've just read an expression on Eli's face. I chuckle slightly and the mother and son look at me like I've finally lost my mind. I cover my mouth quickly, but another giggle escapes, which causes Eli to chuckle at me.
Eventually Eli speaks, “I have no idea what you're giggling at, but I don't care. I just like that sound...”
“I read your expression...”
He slowly says, “O...K....”
“I haven't been able to do that in a long time.”
Connie interrupts, “Did you not talk to Dani yet, Eli? Have I ruined it?”
“No, ma, you didn't ruin it. We only spoke about it last night. It makes me wonder if you've bugged our room or something....”
She looks shocked and horrified. “Oh! No! I did no such thing! I wouldn't even know how to do something like that.”
He chuckles, “I know that. It was just a figure of speech. It's just a coincidence, that's all.”
“The house only came up yesterday. We haven't even had a chance to put it on the market yet. I was hoping to get you guys to view it before it does. A quick sale might drop the price slightly. What do you think?”
Eli looks at me and then says, “Can we talk about it first, ma?”
I know he's set on this idea. He has no doubts about it; he's told me that much. It's his worry about my reaction that is causing him to hesitate. I take a deep breath and decide to take a huge leap of faith. A huge amount of trust in Eli is put into my words, but somehow I don't feel that deep sense of fear as I speak, “We'll take a look whenever you can fit it in, ma'am.”
Both heads snap toward me so fast, I'm sure I hear necks snap. Connie looks thrilled but Eli looks concerned. I sudden;y become very aware of all the attention, so I drop my head and pick at my food. Eli whispers something to his mom and I hear the kitchen door swing shut. When I glance up, Eli and I are alone in the room. I feel extremely self-conscious now and I return to staring at my food.
Eli whispers, “Baby? Look at me? Are you sure about this? I don't want you to go into it with doubts, especially as it's so fast. It's destined to fail if you're not totally sure about this.”
I drop my head and whisper, “I'm sure. I'm not going to lie and say I'm not scared, but I think it's the right thing. I know I don't always show it or tell you, but I am glad you are here. I'm glad you found me and helped me. I don't know what half of the things I think and feel mean, but I do know I can't see anyone else in my life; not like you are.”
After I reveal that set of truths, I risk glancing at him. I know my face is probably bright red, but I need to see his reaction to what I've revealed. I need to know if this is all a joke and he's just going to throw me to the side and break me like everyone else ever has.
The smile on his face puts all of Ash's to shame. There's a twinkle in Eli's eyes that has never been there before. It looks like his eyes are welling up, but I know that can't be true. This is Eli; he doesn't do things like crying. He's a strong person, not like me. Yet again, I am learning new things about this man, because I see a single tear slip from his eye and roll down his face.
Before I know what I'm doing, I reach out and wipe the tear away. When realization hits me, I go to snatch my hand away, but Eli holds onto it and holds it against his cheek. He closes his eyes and nuzzles his cheek into my hand. The moment is so intimate and I can actually feel how much he cares in that simple gesture.
I whisper, “Please don't cry. I don't want to make you sad.”
He turns his head and kisses the palm of my hand before whispering, “I have waited a long time for those words, sweetheart. I don't think you can fathom how happy it makes me to hear you talk like that. I am sure of my feelings for you and I have been waiting for the day that you'd feel comfortable enough to tell me something of how you feel. I'm not crying because I'm sad. I'm crying because my heart is bursting with happiness at this moment and I don't know how to fully express it. So, we're really going to do this? We're really going to look at this house?”
“Yes sir, I guess we are.”
He chuckles and I drop my hand from his cheek. I feel embarrassed at the contact, but he makes me feel different things all the time. I would be lying if I said I'm comfortable with the gestures, but it's starting to feel different to all the other times. Eli smiles brightly at me, “Don't be embarrassed, sweetheart. It makes me happy that you are willing to touch me, especially without thinking about it. I will never stop you from progressing that way. I only hope that you'll allow me to do the same one day. Although, I do have to say you are so much better with that. It's getting better, baby. We're getting there.”
I simply nod and reflect on his words. He is right; it is getting better. I know that has to do with the drugs, but it is also because of him. I trust him, despite my past and the memories, despite my head telling me not to I trust this man. I care about him, I trust him not to hurt me and I trust him to protect me. This realization makes tears spring to my eyes. I don't know how to tell him any of this and even if I did, I'm not sure I'd be able to. That fear is still in the back of my mind. That question still lingers, 'what if he rejects me?'
I know it's probably not a logical thought. Eli has given me no reason to doubt his intentions, but a lifetime of abuse and mistrust has been instilled in me. It's going to take a bit longer for me to get rid of my doubts, but I am trying to work on it.
Eli notices my tears and he wipes them away as fast as they fall.
“What's wrong, baby? Did I do something wrong?”
I shake my head, because words won't escape from my mouth.
“What is it? Are you scared? You want me to back off?”
I croak out, “No.”
“Talk to me. What's going on?”
“I just... I can't... You... You're just too special...”
“So special that I make you cry? That doesn't sound very special to me...”
“You said you didn't have sad tears. I've never had anything but sad tears, until now... I just don't know how to express my thoughts...”
“You don't need to. I know. I just know. You don't have to say anything right now. You'll say it when you're ready. I'm happy with the way things are now and I know it's easy for me to say those words to you. I know you need more time. I love you so much, Dani and I will wait forever to hear those words. Don't ever feel like you have to say it. I will wait until you are ready. You've already told me how you feel, just in your own special way. That means far more to me than you know. Don't cry baby.”
I take a deep breath and try to stop the tears from falling. I manage to get myself together eventually, and I feel Eli kiss the top of my head before he holds me close. He squeezes me tight for the longest time, probably trying to revel in the moment.
I don't know how long it is before he quietly says, “As much as it pains me to say this, we need to get ready for work. The Cap is probably wondering where we are.”
“Will he be angry?”
“No, not with you. You're his special one. He can't be angry with you. Me, on the other hand? He'll probably just make me running an extra training session and stay late or something. Don't worry about it. Most of the reason we're late is because of a case anyway. It'll be fine, trust me. Let's go get ready, huh?”
“Yes sir.”
My heart feels quite full. It's an odd feeling and I'm not quite sure how to process it. It's a different feeling than I've ever known. The thing that surprises me the most is the fact that I'm not completely freaked out or scared by this feeling. Things really are changing and I think it's starting to be for the better.