CHAPTER FIFTY-THREE
"Could you really make a rocket, tía?" Alex's eyes lit up turning to Nina who was laying down on her bed fussing around with Bella. Nina frowned a little seeing Bella getting bigger. Bella was cute nevertheless but Nina felt like she somewhat missed out on her being a baby.
"A really thin and small one but I could make it go really really high up into the air," Nina said proudly making some sort of gesture with her hands to resemble the rocket flying upward. The twins looked at her in awe. "Every time I would launch it, it would make this really really loud sound."
"Like a sonic boom?!?" Penelope chirped up using her hands to gesture an explosion causing Nina to stifle a laugh.
"No, no. But imagine the sound of opening a coke bottle then make it a lot more louder," Nina clarified as continued playing with Bella on her bed. "A sonic boom would be too loud for a small rocket."
"So no sonic boom?" Alex pouted and Nina only shook her head. "Lame," he scoffed as Nina chuckled in disbelief of her own nephew.
"If you want, we could make it together next time," Nina encouraged causing the twins to jump up a little with joy. Their actions caused Bella to jump off the bed suddenly scared by the two children bouncing up and down.
"Oh no, we scared Bella," Penelope frowned hopping off the bed to hug the puppy and bring her back up to Nina.
"So what do you guys think of Brian?" Nina asked grabbing Bella to cuddle with again. Victoria brought him over once for dinner. He lived in Brentwood which surprised Nina knowing he was keen enough to come over that night in a place like Freeridge.
"He's okay. I think it's cool that he fixes up cars. He even got me that toy car remember!" Alex replied and Nina thought it was really coincidental that he owned a car shop and fixed up cars for a living. For a moment she thought he was an undercover cop like in the movie. But he really was just a guy who fixed cars.
"Yea I remember, Papito," Nina smiled at Alex. "What about you, Lupe? What do you think of Brian?" she asked turning to Penelope who suddenly became quiet the moment she mentioned Brian's name. "Aw baby, what's wrong?"
"I just don't want him to make Mama cry the way Andrew did. Mama was really sad at what Andrew said," Penelope frowned as Nina scooted closer to her little niece.
"Yea, I hope Brian treats her better too. I hope Brian doesn't make Mama sad. Ven aquí," Nina said opening up her arms to Penelope who crawled into her embrace. Bella moves over to Alex this time.
"Especially when Mama is sad because of tío Tony," Penelope frowned even more and Alex did too. "Sometimes I hear Mama crying at night and Papito and I don't know what do to make Mama happy," she added causing Nina to frown.
"When did you guys hear her crying?" Nina furrowed her eyebrows back and forth between the both of them. "Does she know that you've been hearing her cry?"
Alex nodded. "We went to sleep with her sometimes when you went back to sleep here. She says she missed tío Tony a lot and she says that she's worried about you because you get bad dreams of tío Tony every night," he answered in a small voice.
"Do you still have bad dreams, tía?" Penelope looked at Nina. Nina frowns and nods slightly making Penelope hug her a little tighter. Hearing it come from her niece and nephew brought a different kind of weight to bear.
"Does that mean you're still sad over tío Tony?" Alex asked and Nina nodded as well. Alex gently lays Bella somewhere on the bed before moving closer to Nina to give her a hug as well.
The moment melted Nina's heart because she knew the twins didn't really understand what her and Victoria were going through. All they knew was that they were still sad. Even though they didn't always show it to the twins they knew Nina and Victoria were still in mourning. And as kids there was nothing else they could do but love their tía and Mama a little bit more by hugging and kissing them more often.
"Does this help?" Alex asked and Nina nodded putting on a small smile.
"Mama says it takes long to not be sad anymore because Tony was someone really special to the both of you," Penelope said.
"He is," Nina smiled looking down at them. "He was my best friend and your mom's. Did you know he was the reason why your Mama is so good in singing and playing instruments?" she added and the kids eyes were beginning to glow once more.
"Tony was so good at playing the piano and guitar that your Mama would just watch him until he gave her lessons for free. He was your mom's first ever teacher. Without him maybe your Mama would be boring like me," she tells them lightly.
"You're not boring tía! You know how to make a rocket!" Penelope smiled making Nina poke her little nose.
"He wrote songs too!" Alex said in excitement. "He tried teaching me how to play electric guitar so I could get many girlfriends," the little boy smirked.
"What are you talking about having girlfriends?" Nina teased Alex as she tickled him a little bit making him giggle.
"Tony said that's how he got you to be his novia!" Alex giggled and Penelope's eyes lit up looking at Nina. "Is that true, tía?" Penelope grinned. What was it with these children and relationships?
"Yea he did. I thought he looked really cute when he would sing and play his guitar and piano," Nina nodded. "He would write songs for me. And sometimes when I would stay up late studying he would call me up to keep me company and sing to me until I would fall asleep," she remembered just as a brief memory flashed in the back of her mind.
"And he runs really fast too! Like when we were kids we used to race against each other, along with your mom and your tía Leah, tío Joel, and tío Johann. And we would all get mad at him because he kept winning all the time," Nina laughed a little remembering another memory back when they were younger.
"I wish you had more time to get to know tío Tony more," Nina nodded at the twins. "He was a great person who cared a lot for his friends and family. He used to give the best advice and he would never rest until his friend would be happy again. He had the biggest heart and he dreamt big," she found herself slowly reminiscing on everything else as small snippets and flashes of old memories appeared in her head.
Gone was that sense of blame and the tears came and went. All that was left was the feeling of reverie and the general feeling of missing Tony. After everything, Nina felt tired and numb and she still wished she could just take a pause. She only felt numb now.
She would watch the kids and spend all this time with her family but she still felt like something was missing. Like she had lost all feeling. Every now and then she would put on a smile and she would laugh but they all seemed off. They all seemed forced. What irked her was that even though she wanted to slack off she couldn't for the sake of her family.
"When he arrived on New Year's day, I admit that I wasn't the most welcoming or the kindest person to him," Nina remembered how much she had snapped at him during his first few days over. "Now I would give anything to have him back," she found herself saying.
"Your mom and I loved Tony so much and the reason why we're sad is because we miss him a lot too. Sometimes we wished he was still here," Nina tells truthfully as she caressed the two kids in her hold. "I guess, what's important is that your mom and I will be okay eventually," Nina assured them.
"Just continue to love your mom and show her how much you love her okay?" Nina kissed both of their foreheads and on queue they heard Victoria enter through the front door yelling our that she was finally home.
"Alright, as promised she would put you guys to bed," she shifted in her bed as the twins ran out of the room to go greet their mom.
"Mama!" they both cheered running to give her a hug. Bella ran out too and started barking seeing Victoria.
"¡Mis queridos!" Victoria crouching down a bit and kissing their foreheads. "¿Por qué sigues despierto?" her eyes grew wide looking at her children who had cheeky smiles on their faces.
"Nosotros solo estábamos hablando," Nina replied. "They wanted you to put them to bed," she explained.
"Alright, then. Go to your rooms I'll be there in a minute," Victoria smiled at them before showering them with more kisses before letting them run off to their room. She sighs standing up right once more as she watched her kids run off.
"So what did you guys talk about?" Victoria turned to Nina who said nothing more instead engulfed her into a hug.
Nina had to admit she may have pushed Victoria away as well. She didn't mean to but she felt like she had neglected her sister a little like she had failed to check up on her more often. Learning from her own experience, just because she says that she's fine doesn't mean that she actually is.
"I'm sorry, V," Nina whispered to her as Victoria shot her a confused look but she only hugged her back.
"Why are you apologizing?" Victoria asked in concern.
"I should've been there for you more. I just feel like I should've been doing more for my own family," Nina says to her.
"Ay, Nina," Victoria pulls away and takes Nina's hands in hers. "You've done so much for me and the twins. We talk about these things almost every night. In fact, I feel like I've been neglecting you a little more. Like I've been making Oscar do more of the checking up than me doing it myself," she admitted with a slight sense of shame.
"I know how hard this has been on you still having those dreams every night. It's like, you don't want to be reminded of it but you are. Take it or leave it," she continued. "But I know that we're both trying— for ourselves and for each other," Victoria nodded and so did Nina.
Victoria knew about what was happening with Nina. She knew about that night Nina went out to try and kill Marcus, only because Oscar took her home and carried her into her room. Oscar told her the gist of what happened while Nina filled her in with the details the day after. It took awhile but she did.
Victoria also knew about what happened during Valentine's Day. From that moment she knew that Nina wasn't just getting over Tony she was trying to get over Oscar too. She knew this for a fact because Nina admitted that slight feeling of pain when she saw Jessica and Oscar together.
With that, she knew that she was slowly moving on. Or at leat she was trying.
"So how are you now?" Victoria asked softly while Nina looked away and shrugged.
"I think I'll go on that walk now," Nina said letting go of Victoria's hands.
"Nina, it's late," Victoria pointed out with a frown forming on her face. She hated that her sister was out late. It worried her to the bone but Nina kept her posted about where she was. That's if she knew Nina was out.
"I just have to, V," Nina shrugged once more taking a few steps back. "You know where I'll be," she offered a small smile before going into her room and getting dressed.
Nina made a brand new routine of walking to the park where nearby the bodega. She'd take a walk to clear her head or just think about random things. She'd do it every night no matter what the time, or at least she would cor herself to. It had become a new routine for her ever since a few days passed after Valentine's day.
The walk she did just gave her a sense of peace. At a certain time Freeridge was quiet and she knew where to go without having a run in with the Santos or any other gangs. It felt nice hearing the quiet but for the past two weeks she had still felt the same.
She walked up to her bench and would lay there looking at the sky listening to sad songs or what ever tickled her fancy even if it were just listening to the quiet. Sometimes, she would look at old photos and videos of Tony and their friend group during their time here. In the middle of reminiscing she would begin to miss Tony and her friends.
After nights of just crying, it was as if she had no more tears left. There would be times where she wanted to cry but she couldn't. She'd feel that weight and the stinging in her chest but the tears would never cone. All in all she just felt exhausted now, like there was really nothing she could do to make things better.
There was no bringing back Tony. She had pushed away Oscar, who on the bright side was doing better than she ever was. Victoria was now preoccupied with another relationship. And even though she said that she had her back there would be these times where she sulked in her own loneliness.
Every day she would wake up feeling with a sense of weight still on her. Even waking up felt dreading. Going forth with her routines felt tiring and tasteless at this point. At the end of the day she was met with nothing but exhaustion.
She wished and pleaded for that sense of normality to come back fully now but without someone actually telling her she was getting better she still felt the same. If her thoughts served her right she was nearing the end of her grief and she only wished it would end sooner.
Not long later she arrived at the said bench and as usual, she laid down to look up at the sky. A part of her wished Tony was right next to her like old times but at that point she could only imagine he was there with her.
She started playing the album After Laughter by Paramore and she stood firm when she said that the album was still a pain in the ass. Most especially that it was hitting her harder and differently now. She would reminisce that night over and over again from that feeling of high to a sudden all time low. It was as if she was still punishing herself for what happened, but she grew number and number each night thinking and listening all by herself.
"Nina?"
"HOLY FUCKING SHIT BALLS!" Nina exclaimed sitting up as Sad Eyes had popped out of nowhere and had randomly appeared hovering over her.
Sad Eyes kept laughing seeing the scared look on her face plus what she said in exclamatory made no sense. "Shit you should've seen the look on your face!" he laughed as he clapped and everything.
"Where the hell did you come from? What are you doing here?" Nina placed a hand to her chest to calm herself down. Pendejo literally came out of nowhere.
"I was on my way home when I thought I saw a ghost. Turns out it was just you," He nodded before deciding to sit next to her. "Looked like friendly ghost who needed some company," he added with a small smile.
So much for being alone. However, she really did miss Sad Eyes so at that point she didn't mind having him as company. Company seemed okay at that moment.
"What are you doing out here and all by yourself, Lady Spooky?" He asked as Nina took out her earbuds and sighed at the nickname he used.
"You can't really call me that you know. Not anymore," she pointed out. "To be called Lady Spooky you gotta he Spooky's lady. And the whole block knows Spooky got a knew Lady," she reasoned.
"Is Spooky's lady named Nina?" He genuinely questioned making Nina furrow her eyebrows at him.
"No-"
"Then she ain't Lady Spooky," he said holding his head up high as if he was proud of what he had said leaving Nina a little confused. "I said what I said."
After all this time Sad Eyes still wanted Nina and Oscar to end up together. He was a little saddened hearing that his best friend got together with Jessica but he knew Oscar wasn't over Nina and that thing he had with Jessica wasn't serious. He also knew that what Oscar had with Crystal wasn't love. But Oscar and Nina? He hated to be cheesy but to him that shit was endgame.
"Yea I'm not really following," Nina stammered shaking her head and furrowing her eyebrows at Sad Eyes.
"Never mind. You didn't answer my question. What are you doing here, Nina?" Sad Eyes asked in all seriousness turning to face Nina once more who only looked away from him sighing.
"I take a walk to come here every night," she answered truthfully. Now it was his turn to look at her confused.
"This late and alone? Bitch, you know how dangerous that is? You could get got," he reminded her sternly looking at her like she was crazy coming out her alone and unarmed.
"Doesn't seem like a bad idea if you ask me," Sad Eyes heard her mutter under her breath which only made him sad and pissed at what she just said.
"Hey! Don't say shit like that," he smacked her head causing her to jolt a little and rub the spot where he hit her. Sad Eyes had never smacked her in the head, that was clearly a first.
"Dude, what is it with you and hitting people on the head?" Nina winced rubbing her head. This puto had one heavy hand, poor Gabriel and Martín for having to endure this kind of shit.
"I do it when my friends say stupid shit like what you just did," he said in an angry tone.
"What's wrong with you, fool? Don't say shit like that! Don't even think of those kinds of things. The last thing we all need is losing you by getting got. I don't want that, I don't need that. Your family doesn't need that. And most of all Spooky doesn't need that."
"He gotta new hyna anyway," she found herself muttering bitterly.
"Is that why you're here then? Cos you're jealous of Spooky dating somebody else?" Sad Eyes raised his eyebrow making Nina shake her head in irritation.
"What? No! I don't care that he has someone new at least he's moving on already," she answered irritably waving her hands all over the place before running her hand in her hair.
"What you said awhile ago says otherwise," Sad Eyes pointed out with a nod. "Don't you love him anymore?"
"I never said that," Nina answered quickly. She hadn't been really putting much thought of how she felt with Oscar. After everything he's done for her, there was still that lingering feeling every time that she was close to him, every time that he would hold her and comfort her.
"So you don't want him to be over you," Sad Eyes tried teasing placing a smirk on his lips but seeing Nina's expression, that smirk had slowly faded.
"I want him... to be happy," Nina replied softly as she began to space out a little. If he was happy with Jessica then so be it.
Sad Eyes's gaze fell to the ground seeing as that Nina was only further saddened on the topic of his best friend. "He's worried about you," he blurts.
"I mean he doesn't say it much and he doesn't have to. I can't really explain it, he just is," he continued slowly as Nina bit her bottom lip. There came that feeling of crying again.
"He shouldn't worry about me," she forced. "He's got his life together, not fully but he's doing better now. The last thing he needs is some... dead weight he shouldn't be thinking about. He should focus on what he has now," she continued.
The more she spoke the more she realized that she was hurting herself in the process with what she said. Sad Eyes furrowed his eyebrows sadly. He knew that Nina was going through something but he never expected her to be this broken.
"You can't really blame him for being worried, Nina," he pointed out. "I mean, I'm worried about you too," he admits looking at her softly. They weren't that close but seeing as how Oscar was worried and telling what he could made Sad Eyes worry over Nina too.
Nina said nothing as she hung her head to look to the floor. She never really thought about Sad Eyes and the Santos worrying over her.
"So... you finally gonna tell me why you're here by yourself?"
Nina sighed as she closed his eyes momentarily feeling the breeze that passed by. "I come here to be alone... with my thoughts, if I have any. I come here to cry if I had any tears left. I just come here to be alone and wonder what life would be like if Tony were still alive."
"Depression," he stated. "That's a good thing," with that Nina turned to him and gave him a 'really' look. They both knew there was nothing good about depression cos that shit is real and messed up.
"Ay, no not like that! I meant you're healing and that's a good thing. All the bad stuff is over," Sad Eyes clarified but Nina only sulked over again.
"I just wish it could be over much faster," she said sadly. "I'm just sick and tired of feeling like this every single day. Like no matter what I do I just feel tired and heavy. Everything feels like a chore. And the guilt and self-doubt constantly just creeps up on you regardless of where you are and what you do."
"Like, I'm just so sick of crying or not being able to cry! I just wanna feel normal again," she cried out looking at the empty dark park before her. Something about it looked creepy and scary, she'd think that being alone in this place was scary. But it really did bring this sense of comfort.
"I get that," Sad Eyes nodded looking at Nina.
"Do you though?" Nina questioned turning back to face Sad Eyes who hung his head low at what she said.
"I've been here long enough to know what it feel like to loose a lot of people at random," he began. "Trust me when I tell you that I know what it's like to loose someone close to me so suddenly. A lot of people have dealt with that kind of pain too."
"For you it was Tony, for me it was my dad when I was six," he continued causing Nina to suddenly empathize with her friend. "Ma and him got into a huge fight so dad left and never came home. Cops found him in Prophet$ territory the next day, three shots to the chest. He didn't even make it to the hospital."
Nina's eyes fell to the ground. "Sad Eyes, I'm sorry."
"That's not even it," Sad Eyes shook his head before speaking again. "Ma got sick years after. She couldn't go to work and eventually she lost her job. My dad knew people from the Santos and I started running for them to support my mom."
"The Santos has been my family my whole life. Being a part of it also made things harder for me to lose people more," he continued.
"Friends, other people you grew up with, people you don't even know, enemies turned friends, and a whole lot other people. So I know what it means to lose someone and go what you're going through," he nodded towards Nina who was rendered speechless for a moment.
"I'm sorry," she mustered. "I can't believe I sounded like a complete bitch. I didn't mean to question or disrespect you like that," she looked at him as she apologized.
"It's okay," Sad Eyes nodded. "What I'm trying to tell you is that you'll get over it. But you gotta accept the fact that there's nothing you can do to bring that person back anymore. Miss Tony all you want but you gotta face it, he's gone. You gotta learn to pick up your shit and move on."
He continued, "And that... you really don't have to face this alone." Nina glanced at him with a soft gaze.
"I just don't know if I can," Nina sighed.
"Can? Or you don't want to?" Sad Eyes corrected causing Nina to shoot him a puzzled look. "Why did you kiss Tony that night after you came down from the roof?" he questioned and again Nina felt confused on where he was actually doing.
Nina shrugged. "We kept talking about old times back in the barrio. The nostalgic feeling felt nice and we were in the moment. That and I had like... how many shots."
"Then that's your problem," Sad Eyes nudged Nina. "How can you move forward if you keep hanging on to the past?"
"There is no going back there, Nina. Talk about it all you want but it's not like you can actually time travel to relieve all those moments. You keep moving forward to make new ones. Keep making things to look forward to," he said encouragingly.
"Why do they call you suenito? Little dream?"
"Because I dreamt big and I did everything I could to make sure I make those dreams come true. And because of that I got into my dream school," Nina replied making Sad Eyes smile at her.
"And how did you do that?"
"By keep moving forward," Nina said slowly as she realized what Sad Eyes had done. With a huff she looks at him with a smile plastered on his face. Nina had to admit she had underestimated Sad Eyes as she never expected all of this come from him.
"For the record, I know what you tried to do," Nina said pointing a finger at him. Damn, she was impressed.
Sad Eyes smirked. "Did it work?"
A small smile began to tug on the corners of her lips as she nodded towards Sad Eyes. She may have found a new best friend with that. "We should... we should hang out more," Nina suggested making Sad Eyes chuckle.
"Not right now. I think I should give you back your alone time," he said nearly standing up.
"No," Nina said. "I change my mind. I think I could use some company," she said before handing out an ear bud to him.
With a shrug, he takes the earbud and sit back down. "Alright, but none of the pop shit you listen to. It's night time. I want something chill."
Nina places the earbud in the her ear and picks a good and slow song. Little by little they slowly started bobbing their heads to the music. "Thank you, Sad Eyes. For this," she said looking at her new friend who smiled back at her.
"De nada, suenito."
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ALL OF Y'ALL GIVE SAD EYES SOME LOVE!!! HAPPY NEW YEAR EVERYONE!!!! May 2021 be kinder to all of you and thank you so much of the support the past months. Trust me when I say that there is more to come!! Speaking of which... the moment you all have been waiting for is up next 😉
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