Trigger warning: Death; Suicide
___
Kabanata 13
Downfall
New year. Still, I welcomed it because I wanted to leave my darkness behind and take a step forward to see the light at the end of the road.
Like an incredibly swift wind, it blew the hours. And so as the memories. In just a blow, all I had was already gone.
I began losing myself, without me noticing it certainly.
"W-Wala na si Daddy," Ate Jamilla burst into tears as I opened the door. She called me just to come over and I didn't expect that this was the reason why.
Apat na salita na naging dahilan ng pagkatulala at pagkatigil ko sa paglalakad. I didn't even realize my heartbeat that was pounding loudly to the point that I couldn't even hear the things my sister was saying.
Our house was filled with cries and sobs that everyone could hear.
On the 1st of January, my daddy committed suicide.
The first morning of this year made me afraid of the sun's luminiscence. I badly wanted my eyes to rest forever because there were lots of tasks waiting for me.
Mula sa itaas ng bahay namin, narinig ko ang malakas na sigawan ng dalawa ko pang kapatid. Hindi na niya ako napigilan pa nang takbuhin ko ang distansya patungo sa hagdan.
Hindi alintana ang itsura, umakyat ako at dumiretso sa kuwarto ni Daddy.
"D-Daddy!" I screamed when I saw his body hanging at the ceiling, strangled by the rope around his neck.
Saglit ko lang nakita ang katawan niyang nakasabit sa kisame dahil kaagad itong ibinaba ni Kuya Dahril. Even I just saw it for a few seconds... it was already stained in my mind. And I bet that time and healing won't make me forget this excruciating day. It will forever remain here. The trauma will always stay here.
Walang imik na kinuha ni Kuya JC ang telepono sa gilid ng kama ni Daddy at kaagad na tumawag ng ambulansya.
Gusto kong isigaw ang pighati na nararamdaman ng puso ko ngayon. Kung gaano kasakit... na makita ang sarili mong ama... na kinitil ang sarili niyang buhay.
"P-Paano nangyari 'yon? H-He was so happy..." I whispered in between sobs. Even my brothers weren't comforting me because I didn't need that. I just wanted to be alone. Ni isa sa amin ay walang nagsasalita at tanging pag-iyak lang namin ang nangingibabaw kuwarto.
He had lost his fight. And I know that he fought many times before giving up. Depression has no face at all. A painted smile will plaster at their face the whole day but we don't know what's behind their mask.
Pasalampak akong naupo sa sahig at isinandal ang aking noo sa tuhod ko. My heart is aching so bad and none of them can make this pain away.
"We won't publicize his death," Kuya Dahril exclaimed, wiping his tears away.
Sila ang nag-usap-usap habang ako'y dumeretso sa kuwarto ko. My mom was in our company, sa hospital na ang diretso niya.
Maya-maya lang ay narinig ko na ang tunog ng ambulansya. Kaagad akong kumaripas ng takbo patungo sa pangalawa sa dulo ng mga kuwarto. I watched them as they put the cold and dead body of my Dad on the gurney.
Hindi ko maatim ang kalagayan niya ngayon. Ni minsan ay hindi ko naisip na magagawa niya 'to... na mangyayari 'to.
On the 1st of January, I lost the first man who made me feel what does it feels like to have a boyfriend-I was his princess. I had lost my father today.
I'll mark this day as one of my greatest downfalls. I didn't know how will I stand up again without falling on the ground. Para akong puno na tinanggalan ng mga sanga—kaya kong manatili sa pagkakatayo ngunit hindi na ito magiging tulad ng dati. At isa ang tatay ko sa naging sanga sa aking buhay.
And starting that day, the moon hid behind the clouds, not wanting to be seen by the crowd; the darkness was pitch black that it blurred my screams of hope which led to echoes. And as I shivered at the thought that I was blinded when I couldn't see the light of the day and night anymore, I accepted the fact that I was left in the dark... Alone.
Due to tired mentally, physically, and emotionally, I fell asleep. Even when I woke up from sleep, I still feel drained.
Mentally tired, I am on the verge of giving up, too. Physically tired, I didn't want to get away from my bed. Emotionally tired, I just wanted to stay here forever.
I checked my phone. Kaagad ko itong pinower off nang makita ang mga missed call at text galing kay Von.
I am not at the state of talking to anyone right now. Hindi ko kailangan ng mga salitang makapagpapagaan ng loob ko ngayon, ang gusto ko lang ay alamin kung bakit... At kung paano niya nakayanang lisanin kaming pamilya niya?
I couldn't just point my finger at him and blame that he has ended his own life. Wala ako sa posisyon niya para alamin kung gaano kasakit ang pinagdaraanan niya.
Our parents don't want us to see them cry... or suffer as well. They know that it weakens us once we see them hurting.
May mga tao na mas pipiliin ang kimkimin ang nararamdaman kaysa sabihin ang sakit na nadarama. Ngunit hindi lahat. Dahil sa kagustuhan ng iba na itago iyon, umaabot sa punto na sasaktan nila ang sarili nila, o ang mas matindi ay lilisanin ang kanilang sariling buhay.
As I sat on my bed, I began to cry again. I poured all my feelings and tears into my pillow.
They say morning means a new beginning but it seemed that I had lost my will to live... To continue this life.
Tila may bumubulong sa akin na hindi ito ang solusyon-na maaayos pa ang problema. Mababalik ba ang nawalang buhay? Hindi. Pero dadagdag lang ako sa problema kung gagawin ko ang binabalak ko.
I woke up with a sticky note on my drawer. The penmanship indicates that it was from my mom.
Nak, As soon as you wake up, bumaba ka na kaagad.
-Mommy
Hindi na ako naligo at kaagad nang nagbihis. Miski ang pagligo ay kinatatamaran ko na rin.
Gulat ako nang makababa ako. My dad's coffin was already there. There was a long brown carpet beneath it. I couldn't even count the funeral's flowers that were obviously from his business partners and friends. On every flower that had sash, there was a, 'From: Mayor' at 'From: Ex Governor' written above of it.
Ngunit sa tingin ko naman ay dahil sa kilala ang aming apelyido sa ibang bansa sa Asya, hindi na ako magtataka kung bakit pati ang mga 'yon ay nasali pa.
Lumabas si Mommy mula sa kusina na naghahalo ng kape patungo sa kinaroroonan ng mga kapatid ko. They were just sitting pretty.
Kuya Dahril was just staring blankly at the floor while his arms were crossed. Kuya JC was just playing with his lips as he spun his phone with his fingers. Ate Jamilla was leaning at Kuya Dahril's shoulder, asleep.
Tumikhim ako kaya naman nakuha ko ang atensyon ng mga iilang tao sa sala. Our living are was too wide kaya naman maayos din na rito ang burol lalo na at kailangan ng privacy sa pagkamatay ni Daddy.
"Jaryllca, anak, halika rito!" magiliw na tawag sa akin ng Nanay ko. I gave her an awkward smile before finally deciding to walk towards her.
Mga nasa lima ang kasama niya at hindi pamilyar sa akin ang mga ito. They were talking in a language that I couldn't understand.
As a sign of respect, I casually bowed my head and smiled a little, which made them bow, too. The 3 girls were wearing a white formal dress, while the 2 men were wearing a black suit and tie.
Kinausap ng aking ina ang mga ito sa lenggwahe na hindi ko maintindihan. My Mom turned her head around me and whispered, "Isa sila sa matalik naming kaibigan ng Daddy mo sa business. They're from Japan."
Napaangat naman ang aking noo. Wala naman ako gaanong alam sa Japanese. Baka mapahiya lang ako.
"'My... puwedeng pasabi na lang ng 'magandang umaga' sa kanila? And if they'll let me excuse myself."
Tumango lang si Mommy at sinabing bumalik na lang daw ako mamaya.
Nang pumasok ako sa kusina ay natagpuan ko ang dalawang kasambahay. I think my Mom hired them for a week. Hindi ako nagbigay ng tingin, sa halip ay dumiretso na lang ako sa lamesa.
May nakahanda roong bacon silog at may cheese rin na puwedeng sauce. Naghanda nga ako ngunit wala akong ibang ginawa kung hindi ang tumitig sa aking plato.
Hindi ko kaya.
When I was about to stand from my seat, someone whispered beside me.
"Marami ka pang hindi nalalaman, Ja... Pero sa ngayon, kumain ka muna," si Kuya JC.
I held my chest and instantly shook my head. Ayaw kong pilitin ang sarili ko at baka isuka ko lang.
"Hindi na, Kuya. Baka sisilip na lang muna ako sa... kabaong ni Daddy." Lumunok ako para pigilan ang nagbabadyang mga luha.
I slowly walked through the coffin, my legs were trembling and I couldn't stop the tears that were rolling down my cheeks.
I have never thought that this day will happen... this early. Ni hindi ko pa nasusuklian ang mga sakripisyong ginawa niya. Kapalit noon ay ang diplomang para sa kanila. But I guess it won't happen anymore. Because Jirch Maristella is already dead. My Dad is already dead.
Ganoon na nga lang kakapal ang make up dahil na rin sa pagkaputla niya. Ang kaniyang hitsura ay guwapo pa rin, just like before. The deep reddish line in his neck indicates that he committed suicide.
I had to breathe heavily to refrain them from hearing my soft sobs. Mabilis akong umakyat pabalik sa kuwarto ko at doon nag-iiiyak. I rested my head on my pillow habang ang katawan ko'y nakahiga sa kama.
When I felt like I needed Von, I immediately turned my phone on and texted him "I love you". Hindi ko maisa-isa basahin ang bawat text na sinend niya pati na rin ang missed calls.
Sa halip na makatanggap ng text, kaagad na nag-ring ang phone ko. Without any hesitations, I answered it.
[Jaryllca, ano bang nangyayari sa 'yo? Saan ka nanggaling? Kumusta ka? Kumain ka na ba? Nasa inyo ka ba? I've been looking for you!] salubong niya pagkasagot ko.
Kaagad akong napapikit sa paraan ng pagsalubong niya. Halos humiwalay ang aking puso sa kaba.
Nagpakawala siya nang mabigat na buntong-hininga at batid kong bagong gising lang siya dahil sa kaniyang boses.
Marahan kong kinagat ang pang-ibabang labi ko at doon dinaan lahat ng hikbi na gustong kumawala sa aking bibig. Ang luha ko'y tuloy-tuloy ang pagbagsak at ang damit ko'y basang-basa na.
"I-I'm... fine, baby," I simply answered. I didn't know if he would be convinced because of my voice... I was stuttering and I couldn't stop it.
[Hindi mo man lang naisip na may nag-aalala sa 'yo.]
And it slapped me hard. I became selfish... I didn't even think of what he might feel. But sometimes, there's nothing wrong with selfishness, right? I just need time for myself... I couldn't just heal that fast or in just a snap.
[Sinasabi ko lang sa 'yo na may boyfriend ka, Jaryllca. I just need to communicate with you. Kahit sobrang kaunti lang, swear,] he sighed. [I know you're crying right now... ano'ng nangyari, baby?]
I just shook my head even though he won't see it.
"W-Wala... I'm just having hard times these past days," sagot ko at tumikhim. "Mahal kita palagi, ah?" garalgal kong sabi.
Kung puwede ko lang sabihin sa kaniya ay ginawa ko na. His parents and mine were close, baka alam na niya. pero sa tingin ko ay hindi pa dahil mukha siyang walang kaalam-alam sa nangyayari.
Kinagabihan, ginising ako nang isang katok mula sa pinto. I was annoyed at first, but then I saw Zairah. Kaluluwas lang nila ng Maynila at dito na talaga sila mananatili. They have to leave Batangas for a better living.
"Tita Ja!" She immediately hugged me as soon as she entered my room. Because of what she did, it sent a smile to my face.
She was too innocent for things like this.
"Bebe, kumusta ang biyahe n'yo? Kumain ka na ba?"
She immediately shook her head. "Hindi pa po, kaya nga po ako umakyat para ayain ka, e."
Sinabayan ko lang siya sa pagkain. Halos nakalimang subo lang yata ako dahil wala akong gana.
Paiba-iba ang mga bumibisita kay Daddy at paunti-unti lang din muna dahil hindi maaasikaso ni Mommy lahat.
I heard that his burial would last 3 days and he'll get cremated. Personally, I don't want to, but that's what my Dad desires.
Napatingin naman ako kay Zairah na naglagay ng ulam sa aking plato. "Kain ka pa po," she smiled.
I just heaved a sigh and stood up to give it to the maid when she finished her food. Dumiretso ako sa sala at natanaw kong nakatayo si Lolo sa harap ng kabaong ni Daddy.
I went beside him. Kinuha ko ang kaniyang kamay para magmano. He just gave me a small smile and turned his eyes again at the coffin.
Hindi ko talaga kayang titigan ang Daddy ko sa kabaong.