Through the Light and Dark (Saudade Series #1)

Kabanata 15

Trigger Warning: Self-harm; rape

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Kabanata 15

Rope

I had to go to school after a week of my dad's burial. Our Christmas break had just ended. 

The worst kind of feeling was you needed to hold your tears back because you were in school. I did not want them to see me like this. And I did not want to be absent for the reason that my mom pushed me to do so.

If only I could just think of myself.

I busied myself by taking photos since the heavens decided to open the gate to welcome my dad. I tried to divert my attention to the things I used to love.

My passion, my photographs... I could not see the shades of rainbows in them anymore. All I could see were just the hues of pitch black and white.

I tried. But I was just hoping onto the nothingness. 

And I tried to lift my hand and grab onto the rope to keep myself from falling, but the natural fibers in my palms were causing me to let go of what I should not have been holding onto. 

The reason why I should not give up also kept on pushing me onto the shelter of darkness. So much... So much somber inside of it. And what made me scare was I am not even frightened of the demons in the corners who were whispering discouraging words onto my ears. 

Because I have lived on it a week ago. I got used to it. Slowly, yet in further.

"Is everything alright?" Rae whispered in the middle of the discussion.

I'm existing in a world where I had to convince myself that thoughts were not holding me back. That's all right with me. But I just kept that to myself because I did not want to make anyone worry.

Halata namang hindi ako ayos dahil sa mga namamaga kong mga mata, pati na rin sa pamumutla ko. Miski lip tint ay hindi ako naglagay dahil tuyot ang aking mga labi.

Hindi ko sinagot ang tanong ni Rae, sa halip ay nangalumbaba lang habang deretso ang mga mata sa prof.

I had to maintain my grades, or else I will be out of the Dean's Lister. Kaya kahit anong paghihirap man ang ipabuhat sa 'kin, kailangan kong hindi magpaapekto kahit ang totoo... durog na durog na ako't gusto ko nang maglaho mula sa mundong kinabibilangan ko.

But that's not how the mental health of people flow. Once everything falls, even if you wanted to fist your hands to push your negative thoughts away from your mind, it will affect and affect your positivity.

And it will lead to depression.

Naramdaman ko naman ang mga mata ni Dani sa aking gilid. If I could just tell anyone what happened, the heaviness in my heart might be lessened if I could just vent my feelings out freely. Iyong walang pipigil.

I still have no sleep and I haven't eaten anything yet. Para akong patay na nabubuhay.

I listened to the discussion but my mind absorbed none. It was just roaming about my memories with dad—our complete family either.

"Class dismissed."

Napangiwi na lang ako nang marinig ang huling sinabi ng prof bago lumabas. Ngayon lang ako walang natutuhan sa klase dahil sa kawalaan sa sarili. Pero... ano'ng magagawa ko? Ako, laban sa utak ko. Hindi ko mapigilan kung hindi ang magpalamon na lang sa kalungkutan.

"Lunch na, malapit nang mag-uwian. Gusto mo bang mag-ditch ng klase?" Tumayo si Rae sa harapan ko at inangat ang aking baba dahilan para magtama ang mga mata namin. "Mukhang wala ka sa pokus, eh. Sasamahan kita kung gusto mong maglibang."