Through the Light and Dark (Saudade Series #1)

Kabanata 13

Trigger warning: Death; Suicide
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Kabanata 13

Downfall

New year. Still, I welcomed it because I wanted to leave my darkness behind and take a step forward to see the light at the end of the road.

Like an incredibly swift wind, it blew the hours. And so as the memories. In just a blow, all I had was already gone.

I began losing myself, without me noticing it certainly.

"W-Wala na si Daddy," Ate Jamilla burst into tears as I opened the door. She called me just to come over and I didn't expect that this was the reason why.

Apat na salita na naging dahilan ng pagkatulala at pagkatigil ko sa paglalakad. I didn't even realize my heartbeat that was pounding loudly to the point that I couldn't even hear the things my sister was saying.

Our house was filled with cries and sobs that everyone could hear.

On the 1st of January, my daddy committed suicide.

The first morning of this year made me afraid of the sun's luminiscence. I badly wanted my eyes to rest forever because there were lots of tasks waiting for me.

Mula sa itaas ng bahay namin, narinig ko ang malakas na sigawan ng dalawa ko pang kapatid. Hindi na niya ako napigilan pa nang takbuhin ko ang distansya patungo sa hagdan.

Hindi alintana ang itsura, umakyat ako at dumiretso sa kuwarto ni Daddy.

"D-Daddy!" I screamed when I saw his body hanging at the ceiling, strangled by the rope around his neck.

Saglit ko lang nakita ang katawan niyang nakasabit sa kisame dahil kaagad itong ibinaba ni Kuya Dahril. Even I just saw it for a few seconds... it was already stained in my mind. And I bet that time and healing won't make me forget this excruciating day. It will forever remain here. The trauma will always stay here.

Walang imik na kinuha ni Kuya JC ang telepono sa gilid ng kama ni Daddy at kaagad na tumawag ng ambulansya.

Gusto kong isigaw ang pighati na nararamdaman ng puso ko ngayon. Kung gaano kasakit... na makita ang sarili mong ama... na kinitil ang sarili niyang buhay.

"P-Paano nangyari 'yon? H-He was so happy..." I whispered in between sobs. Even my brothers weren't comforting me because I didn't need that. I just wanted to be alone. Ni isa sa amin ay walang nagsasalita at tanging pag-iyak lang namin ang nangingibabaw kuwarto.

He had lost his fight. And I know that he fought many times before giving up. Depression has no face at all. A painted smile will plaster at their face the whole day but we don't know what's behind their mask.

Pasalampak akong naupo sa sahig at isinandal ang aking noo sa tuhod ko. My heart is aching so bad and none of them can make this pain away.

"We won't publicize his death," Kuya Dahril exclaimed, wiping his tears away.

Sila ang nag-usap-usap habang ako'y dumeretso sa kuwarto ko. My mom was in our company, sa hospital na ang diretso niya.

Maya-maya lang ay narinig ko na ang tunog ng ambulansya. Kaagad akong kumaripas ng takbo patungo sa pangalawa sa dulo ng mga kuwarto. I watched them as they put the cold and dead body of my Dad on the gurney.

Hindi ko maatim ang kalagayan niya ngayon. Ni minsan ay hindi ko naisip na magagawa niya 'to... na mangyayari 'to.

On the 1st of January, I lost the first man who made me feel what does it feels like to have a boyfriend-I was his princess. I had lost my father today.