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Holly's POV
***
"Why are you late?"
I shrink away from the monster in front of me. The owner of the orphanage.
"I-I'm so sorry Miss," I mumble, sitting up in bed and shaking my head. "I'll get to it now"
"It's a bit late now, Holly. Kate's already on it, and for the love of god, clean up your vomit! It's all over the toilet!"
Miss leaves the room and I sigh, wiping my sweaty face off. I feel so ill and horrid.
I get up and clean my vomit around the toilet. I allow myself to be sick again but do it neatly. Then, I join Kate down in the kitchen and help her peel and grate vegetables.
"Ah, shit!" I mutter, dropping the peeler and staring at the once fluffy white potato turning scarlet red.
Skin opens like pages on my hand and every fold gets redder and redder. Kate runs to get Miss and it's game over.
***
"What the fuck were you thinking?" Miss screams. "I can't feed the kids bloody, fleshy vegetables!"
"I'm sorry, Miss," I sigh, looking down at the floor. "I didn't mean to cut myself. It just happened"
Miss looks down at me disapprovingly. Her tightly pulled back gray hair makes her face look sharper than usual and her narrowed eyes scare me.
"You weren't focused!"
"Yes, Miss. Sorry Miss"
"You will be sorry," Miss hisses, digging her vulture-like clawed hands into my shoulders.
I let out a squeak as it starts to hurt. Her nails are super long and sharp.
"Sit," Miss orders.
I sit down on the old wooden chair across her desk as she walks towards a drawer. She brings out a steel-like object with a ball on the end. I frown as she bends down to her lit fireplace, rotating the steel ball above the fire. The flames lick the ball and Miss taps it quickly before making her way back towards me.
"Stand up," she orders.
I do as I'm told and stand. Miss grabs my shirt and lifts it juts above my belly button. I can't describe the pain I feel when she presses the heated ball against my waist.
***
"Stop!"
"It hurts!"
"STOP, please I beg!"
I sit up in bed, breathing heavily. I flinch as my back hits my headboard and burst into tears.
I can't believe that woman is still controlling me. It's almost been a year since I've been adopted and Miss still terrifies me. Every time I close my eyes she's there.
I take a deep breath just as my door opens. JJ and Simon jog in, both wide awake and fully clothed. JJ looks confused while Simon looks worried.
"Holly, are you okay?" JJ asks, putting a hand on my cheek.
I flinch at the touch and squeeze my eyes shut. All I can feel is Miss's cold hand on my cheek, cooling the burn she'd left behind.
JJ immediately takes his hand away and looks at Simon. Simon looks back at him and I know they don't know what to do.
"I'm sorry if I woke you guys," I whisper, wrapping my arms around my knees as I pull them up to my chest.
Simon shakes his head and checks his watch. "Holls, it's 10-thirty in the evening. You didn't wake anyone up. Are you okay?"
I nod but JJ looks sceptical. He sits next to me and opens his arms. Now calmer, I realize JJ's here to help and take care of me. Not abuse and beat me down.
"I'm f-fine"
JJ rubs my back and holds me close, shaking his head.
"Holly, your heartbeat is mad and you're not breathing right. You can't say you're okay, darling"
"I'm sorry!"
I burst into tears and JJ tells Simon to give us five minutes alone. When Simon leaves, JJ wipes my tears away with his warm thumbs and cups my face.
"Holly, what's going on?"
"Nothing," I mumble, pushing his hands away. "I'm fine. I already told you"
"Holly," JJ sighs, raising an eyebrow. "Trust me and talk to me. I'm trying to help you but if we don't communicate then I can't"
"I had a nightmare," I sigh, running a hand through my hair.
"That's a start," JJ says, grabbing my hand and giving it a gentle squeeze. "Can you tell me what it was about?"
JJ's tone is so gentle and understanding that I want to cry again. Miss would've been absolutely horrible to me.
"It was about the orphanage," I sigh, gaining some of my body strength back. "It was stupid. It was just about the owner and the way she-"
I suddenly get choked up and JJ's eyebrows knit together in a mixture of worry and confusion. I also sense a little anger. I know his anger is towards the owner and not me, but it still makes my heartbeat go quicker at the sight of his clenched jaw.
"The way she did what?" JJ prompts softly, nodding his head as if telling me to carry on.
I nod and take a deep breath. Instead of telling JJ, I show him the burn scar just above my waist. JJ's jaw literally drops and he turns away, shutting his eyes. His breathing is slow and hard and I curl up when I see his hands form into fists.
I let another tear go and JJ sighs, shaking his head. His hand hovers above the burn and I quickly let my oversized shirt go and cover the scar. I'm ashamed of it. It shows my disobedience and laziness and I hate it.
"Holly, I need to see it," JJ says, his kind dark brown eyes transferring comfort to my own. "I know it's painful but as your guardian, I need to see it"
I shake my head no and JJ sighs.
"Sweetheart, I'm not going to hurt you. I just wanna take a look, yeah?"
I nod and slowly lift my shirt again. Looking at it hurts and when I blink, all I can see is Miss with an evil grin on her face.
JJ inspects the burns and keeps true to his word. He doesn't touch it and he doesn't hurt me. He just looks at it.
"Oh, Holly," he sighs, seeing me start to cry again at the sight of the scar I try so very hard to forget. "You can let your shirt go. I know you find it hard and painful to look at"
"I'm sorry," I sigh.
The shirt falls back down and JJ sighs, shaking his head.
"I can't believe that awful woman did that to you. How could she hurt an innocent kid like you?"
"I'm a bad kid," I whisper. "I deserved it"
"Listen to me Holly Decker," JJ says firmly, making me look at him. "You are not a bad kid, you did not deserve this and for god's sake, stop apologizing! You have nothing to be sorry about!"
"Then why do I feel like I do, JJ?"
***
JJ's POV
***
Holly's question leaves me teary-eyed and upset as her big, innocent beautiful eyes fill with tears themselves.
"Fuck," I mutter, turning away to wipe my eyes. "Holly, honey, come here"
I lift her onto my lap and hug her to my chest as close as I can and as gently as I can. How did I not know she had scars of physical abuse?
"You feel like you deserve it and have to be sorry for it because that wicked witch made you believe so" I sigh.
"I hated it there, JJ," Holly sniffs. "She always picked on me. It was never anyone else. Just me"
Holly's broken voice and quivery state breaks my heart. How could anyone ruin a young child's life like this? How could they deprive an already broken kid of love over and over again? I will never understand people in this world who bring others down just to gain some sort of sick satisfaction from it.
It doesn't make sense to me.
"I'll never hurt you, baby," I whisper, kissing Holly's hair. "I want you to know you're loved, cared for and important in this house and anywhere near me. I love you, the Sidemen love you and your friends love you. Focus on the good and we'll build you up from there, got it?"
Holly nods. "Got it"
"Go back to sleep," I whisper, gently rolling Holly back onto her bed. "It's eleven and we have a busy day tomorrow"
I stand up and tuck her in before kissing her forehead.
"Goodnight, Holls"
"Goodnight, JJ," she whispers, a small smile on her face.
I walk towards her door and turn around. Something doesn't feel right.
"Holly, what's wrong?" I ask softly, seeing her face go pale with fear.
"I can't close my eyes without seeing that woman in my head"
I walk back to Holly's bed and crack a smile, sitting on her bed. To lighten the mood, I pat my back.
"Cmon. Hop on and you can sleep in my bed tonight. I don't want you feeling scared and alone here all night"
Holly smiles and wraps her arms around my neck. I lift her up and make my way to my bedroom.
***
"Cozy?" I ask, raising an eyebrow at Holly who snuggles into my pillows happily.
"Very," she replies, grinning.
"Good," I reply. "Here's some water, bearus and I'll be in the living room if you need anything, yeah?"
I place the glass of ice-cold water on the bedside table and hand Holly Bearus. She hugs him to her chest and I can't help but smile. She's adorable.
"Can you stay?" she asks. "Until I fall asleep?"
"Of course," I smile, laying on top of the covers. "I'll stay as long as you need me too"
"Thanks," she yawns sleepily, curling up and shutting her eyes.
I stroke Holly's long hair and think about how lucky I am to have her. She's sweet, sensitive and has one of the kindest souls I've ever met. It juts hurts me deep down that she's been so mistreated.
Gentle snores emerge from Holly and I kiss her cheek before standing up.
"I love you"
I then walk towards the door and shut it behind me as I join Simon in the kitchen.
"How is she?" he asks, handing me a beer.
I take the drink and slump into the chair next to Simon. I crack open the can and take a sip before answering.
"She seems okay for the moment, but I'm still fucking worried, mate. I've never seen her like that. It's scary, fam. She's my little girl and I don't want to see her like that. So hurt and fragile when she's usually so bubbly and energetic"
Simon sighs and takes a sip of his own beer.
"Did she tell you what it was about?"
I nod. "Yeah. She had a flashback of her old mistress at the orphanage and-"
I sigh, unable to finish the rest of my sentence.
"What happened to her?" Simon asks quietly.
"She's got scars all over her body, Si. I mean it. It was horrifying! Cuts, burns, strips of skin, everything. I just feel awful because she's so hurt and I haven't realized. It's almost been a year she's been living with us and I never knew about this shit"
The living room goes quiet and I take a long sip of beer. The scars play over and over again in my head and I can't imagine having to live through that. Sure, my parents were harsh with discipline. Deji and I got beat every once and a while if we misbehaved but it's nothing like Holly's. Her's is pure, malicious intent and it's not okay.
"Maybe I knew," Simon sighs, looking down at the floor and turning a little pink.
"What?"
"And Talia"
I shake my head and try to process everything.
"Wait," I say, shaking my head and frowning. "You and Talia knew but never told me?"
"Holly didn't want us too, JJ," Simon sighs, looking at me. "Talia and I didn't want to break her trust or our promises so we didn't tell you. We couldn't. Holly didn't want you to worry"
"It's my fucking job," I reply, shutting my eyes and letting my head fall back. "Now I feel like I've done a worse job of being a parent"
"JJ, you've done incredibly well, mate," Simon says, cracking a small smile. "Plus, I know Holly loves you more than anything in this world. She looks up to you and I think you've done great. Holly's still learning to trust and open up. You have to remember she was put in that orphanage at ten years old. Five years of abuse is no easy thing to let go of. She needs time and when she's ready to talk about it, I have no don't in my mind that she'll come to you first"
Simon's words surprise me and put the situation in a whole new perspective. He's right. I have to let Holly grow and fix herself. I'll help of course but she has to do the hard parts for herself.
"Thanks, Simon," I sigh, clapping him on the shoulder. "You're a great mate. Really, truly mean that. I have to go check on Holly and make sure she's okay, but thanks. Thanks for everything"
***
Holly's POV
***
I wake up with a big headache and in someone else's bed. I suddenly realize I'm in JJ's bed when I see Bearus in my arms. I groan when I remember last night. Cute fella.
"Morning!" JJ smiles, popping his head in the door. "Sleep well?"
"Yes, thank you for letting me sleep in your bed," I yawn.
"No worries," JJ says. "Simon made breakfast. We'll head to the sidemen shoot in two hours, okay?"
"Okay," I nod.
JJ walks back out and I make JJ's bed before walking back to my room. I get showered, dressed and clean my teeth.
Once my hair is brushed and I've dabbed on a little lipgloss and a flick of mascara, I join the boys in the kitchen for breakfast.
"Morning," I smile, grabbing a plate and sitting across from JJ at the table.
"Good morning," Simon smiles back. "Did you sleep well?"
I nod. "Perfectly"
Simon sits down and we all eat and discuss the Sidemen Sunday shoot for today. No one brings up last night's events and I'm thankful. It'd be too awkward.
***
"Shit, I've forgotten my wallet," Simon groans. "I'll be two seconds"
Simon rushes back into the apartment building and JJ chuckles a little.
"He's always forgetting something"
I nod in agreement and check my phone for the time. Nine thirty. JJ also checks his phone but puts it away as soon as we make eye contact.
"Holly, how long have these nightmares been going on for?"
I sigh and shake my head, turning away from JJ.
"I don't want to talk about it"
"Holly-"
"Once," I sigh. "Last night and last night only"
JJ raises an eyebrow and gently pull my wrist towards him.
"Don't lie to me, Holly. I want to know. Talia and Simon said you had two. Is that true?"
"Why are we talking about this?" I groan, feeling my anxiety swim up to the surface. "Just leave me alone"
"Holls, I'm just trying to help," JJ sighs, looking helpless.
"Well you're only making me upset," I sniff, looking down at the floor and trying hard not to let the tears spill over.
"I don't mean to make you upset-"
"Well, you are!" I huff, rolling my eyes.
"Hey," JJ says warningly, raising an eyebrow at me. "Don't raise your voice at me. Just because you had a fragile night doesn't mean you can act this way. If you continue to give me this attitude there will be consequences. Do you hear me?"
"Yes, JJ," I say quietly. "I hear you"
"Good, and here," JJ says softly, handing me a tissue. "Don't get sad. I won't talk about it anymore, alright? I don't want to upset you any further"
"Okay," I mumble, taking the tissue and dabbing my eyes. "Thanks"
***
We get to the shoot and the boys do their thing. I sit with Kon in the back with the cameras and we talk for a bit about angles and lighting. Kon's easy to talk to. He's funny and can be very sensitive.
"Everything okay?" JJ asks, walking over when the boys decide to take a break from filming.
I nod and JJ kisses the top of my head before joining the lads again. Tobi gives me a little wave and I wave back.
"Is everything truly okay?" Kon asks, looking at the crumpled tissue in my hands. "JJ seems extra keen on making sure you're comfortable today"
I nod. "Yeah, I've just been feeling very sensitive and emotional recently"
"We all have days like that," Kon smiles, booping my nose. "Cheer up, chickie. You'll be okay"
"It's not that easy..." I start, but he doesn't hear me. He's talking to Harry.
***