🎶 WANT IT? - ITZY
= I don't care what people think, this is our persona. You've never tasted our style, we're second to none. Hot like a lava, fresh like Havanaaa =
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Dance showcase was finally over, and so was the evaluation. It was to our biggest surprise to see RV Seulgi appearing at the showcase as a guest judge, and the best part was that she came prepared - already recognizing the names to each of our faces without us having to introduce ourselves.
And I'd say we were gay for her. Totally, extremely, immensely, bewitched by her charisma.
Tonight, dinner was on Seulgi where she treated us to hearty pizzas. Boxes and boxes flowed into the canteen as all the girls gathered around the long table, with our noses inhaling the aroma of freshly baked pizzas and our eyes dripping all over the cheesy crusty goodness.
I settled down with Hera on my left, Lia on my right, and opposite me was occupied by my other two roomies, Seol Ah and Nanhee. These four girls were by far the people I'm most comfortable with, having been under the same roof before. Tragically, there was Yuri next to Seol Ah, whom I believe still thinks that Seol Ah is one of her chipmunks.
How delusional.
"Eat up everyone! You deserve a well meal after all the hard work you've put in," Seulgi ended her speech and we started feasting. That was when Jongdae made his entrance too, earning the oOoOohs and aaaAaAhhs from the girls.
And I was always jealous at the attention he get from other girls.
The two stars joined in the feast, going around trainees to have small talks. To see Jongdae talk so happily, throw his head back to laugh and look so dearly at other girls made me wish them dead.
Sorry, can't help the jealousy exploding within me.
"Your pizza's turning cold. What're you so focused on?" Lia noticed me looking Jongdae's way. I was watching intently the way he interacted with the other girls, and clenching my pizza slice so hard that it left flat fingerprints on it.
"Who else? It's her EXO bias so she's making the best out of every second to admire the view." Hera giggled, answering Lia for me.
Her wrong was that I spent every second in my head wanting to dig his eyes out and rip his smile apart. Terribly wishing that he would stop looking and smiling at others like that.
UGH.
"Who's that girl?" With my nose I pointed in their direction, at the girl who seemed to be talking to Jongdae the most. It was her who kept Jongdae occupied for the longest time, otherwise, he'd already be by our side checking on us.
On me, hmmph.
"Her? You seriously don't know her? She's the grade A trainee since the start of the program. Talk about skills and looks, she's an all-rounder. If there's anyone ready for debut, it's probably her," Hera being informative as always, replied to me.
But I wasn't expecting to hear such a perfect answer. Double UGH UGH.
"So? What's her name?" An unknown irritation crept into my voice, and I found myself frowning. I couldn't take my eyes off her now that she seemed like an almost-perfect figure.
"Kim Doyeon," Hera answered, and my heart sank a little as I thought - why did her name have to be as pretty as her?
"Doyeon," I repeated softly in thought. Of all names, I'm pretty sure I won't be able to forget hers anytime soon.
...
"Hi guys," Jongdae approached our table and waved. Finally. He came from Seol Ah's side, which was opposite of me.
"Oppa!" Yuri waved and invited him to sit on her right side while Seol Ah was on her left. I rolled my eyes as I watched the way she practically crashed her bum against Seol Ah's to squeeze out some space for him.
"Mm," Jongdae briefly acknowledged her waving with a smile before meeting my eyes.
I leaned to Hera and asked softly. "Is there space there?"
When Hera said yes, I made her shift along with me so that there was space on my right for Jongdae beside me too.
"Jongdae ya," I raised my hand to show him the empty seat between me and Lia. Then realising that I had just called his name so casually.
Shit.
All eyes went between me and him. For a second, neither of us knew how to respond.
"Jongdae s-s-s-sunbae," I corrected myself, yet it came off as an unnatural stutter.
He managed an awkward smile like I did when he didn't know how to respond back. Still, he went around the long table to come to my bench side. Yay.
"How's it going, guys? Everything okay?" He asked as he settled on my right. Everyone's suspicion naturally dissolved at the start of a new conversation and were now snatching to answer his question.
"Great, I've been working on my vocals lately. The way you teach was really good and it helped me improved a lot," Seol Ah replied enthusiastically.
"Me too! I've been learning a lot under your guidance. You're really the best!" Nanhee added gleefully.
I decided to stay quiet and let them all do the talk. It must feel like a dream to them meeting Jongdae up close and having casual personal talks.
Trust me I know, because I'm dreaming everyday too.
Brings me back to the night I fell asleep with Jongdae cuddling behind me and waking up the next moment, thinking that it was a dream. Until today, I still refuse to believe it happened. I didn't think I could sleep that night because I was way too affected by his presence in bed, but the medicine he fed me was magically drowsy.
"Jisoo?" Hera wave in my face, laughing at my stoned expression. "You daydreaming again?"
I managed back a simple smile and picked up my pizza slice. Just when I was about to take a bite, I felt a hand lightly brushing across my lower back. And then it stayed there, discreetly, to hold me at my waist. I froze at the contact and turned my head to Jongdae with my eyes wide, wide open.
It was him doing tricks on me, and being shock was an understatement. If he was trying to tease my frail little heart with his tingly touch, he was succeeding. I had to be in a lot of control pretending as if butterflies weren't fluttering inside me.
I mean, even though no one could see it, how could he think of holding me in front of the girls?!
Jongdae knew I was staring at him but he refused to look back. I watched as he very naturally engaged in conversations with the other girls.
How dare he play it like that?
I decided to pinch his thigh when he went drinking water from his cup. It caused him to choke on it, as I quite expected, but what I didn't expect was to hear Hera choking on her drink at the same time too. I turned left, right, left again and then right, not knowing how I was supposed to deal with two jokers (or can I say chokers? Ha ha) by my side.
"What on earth..." I let out a short chuckle and fetched them tissues with one hand each. "You good?" I lightly pat Hera's back as she recovered from the bad choke. She managed a nod when it was still too hard for her to talk.
When I turned to Jongdae next, he was already receiving lots of care and concern from four girls - Seol Ah, Nanhee, Lia, and never to miss out the bitch... Yuri.
I understood that the three girls offered him more tissues and more water to ease his throat, but Yuri came over to our side in a flash and got all touchy for nothing. I shot daggers at her when I caught her rubbing Jongdae's back to help him 'feel better'.
And I wasn't going to sit and watch.
"Get your hands away," I scowled and slapped her hand down, despite catching attention from everyone. She looked almost shock but her arrogance covered it down.
"Why? You gonna say something like, he's yours?" She flashed a smirk when Jongdae wasn't looking yet. He turned around to our unpleasant exchange in the next second and she immediately dropped her smug look.
"Clearly not yours, and will never be." I glared back.
"And how would you know? You got something you wanna tell us? About why you're being so sensitive right now?"
She was trying so hard to make me talk.
"He's got better taste than to take garbage," I gritted my teeth. That's when Jongdae stood up abruptly to cut us off.
"Okay that's enough, you two," he sighed, knowing that things were going to replay like last time. He turned to Yuri first and spoke, "I'm fine thanks, but don't do that again. Let's be respectful and keep the right distance, okay?"
Yuri turned into an obedient cat at his command and went back to her seat when he kindly dismissed her, but I was not satisfied with this ending.
She and I haven't even had the chance to fight it out.
Jongdae touched my shoulder to get my attention. "Jisoo, you..." He started but held back his words. Everyone else was watching us in silence, and the awkward suspense was enough for us to blink a few times at each other. "Eat up. Eat up more. You're too skinny for your own good," he revealed an adorable smile and made me sit back down on my chair.
Seriously? Keeping a distance with Yuri but holding me by my shoulder and talking so sweetly to me in front everyone else? I had to suppress a smile because of the huge differential treatment. Even though I liked it, I'm not sure if that was a good idea because, by the end of this meal, what would others be thinking?
"I'll take my leave now, enjoy your meals and rest well for tonight," Jongdae announced outwardly. I made sure to keep my gaze down until he left to avoid further suspicion in case he tries to send me another sweet look.
Putting all my attention on the same slice of pizza since the very beginning of this meal, I shook my head and sighed to it. It's the first time I let my pizza turn cold on me.
With Jongdae gone, Lia scooted close to me and slammed her hand on the table. "Are you still going to deny?" She said interrogatively and made me gulped hard. "It's so damn obvious!"
I swallowed the second time, nervously and somewhat feeling guilty. Yuri had left the party when nothing seemed to interest her, but Hera, Seol Ah and Nanhee were still around, eyeing me and about to witness the craziest truth of the century.
I decided to be honest. "Listen, I-"
"You're obviously his favorite student!" Lia revealed in big jealousy and started shaking her head. "God, he doesn't even try to hide it. Did you see the way he smiled and looked after you? He's definitely rooting for your debut."
"What?" I cracked at the plot twist. It was funny because Lia sounded so serious and sure.
"Yeah, now that I think about it, it's no wonder he made you the leader for the vocal class. I bet he recognized your talent from the start," Seol Ah nodded in agreement.
"Ahh, so jealous of you!" Nanhee added with shimmery eyes.
I managed a smile to cover the immense relief I felt and started to play along with the conversation. Can't believe I almost disclosed the truth at my own carelessness, yet tonight got me wondering how long I was able to keep this secret for.
I wished that our secret could stay a secret forever because only then, Jongdae and I be safe out of the public's eye. I didn't even want to imagine the toll it'll take on our relationship if it gets exposed, and it worries me a lot to think that far.
Even so, there was no stopping for me now. Not after Jongdae has given me so much more reasons to want him than I had to lose.
...
I excused myself from the pizza party when it was close to 8. Earlier on during the feast, I received a text message on my trainee phone from an unknown number, and it read:
Go to room 3A, 3rd level. Be there at 8pm.
The 3rd level was the highest level in Block A, and trainees rarely go there since our practice rooms were always on the first or second floor. What really marked my curiosity was the sender of the text because the only two people who had left the party by now and would ask to meet me was Jongdae and Yuri (if she still had the plan of fighting it out like me).
I'm expecting Jongdae though.
So I walked down the dark and empty hallway that led me there. Unlike the corridors at SM that had ground lights to light up the pathway, this building had none. The ceiling lights were out too so I had to turn on my phone flashlight and sing to myself to relieve the eeriness. I couldn't handle being in the dark alone mostly because I believe in ghosts, and secondly because it brings back the kidnapping memory.
My heart rate picked up as I ventured deeper into the building, hating the unknown number for meeting at a place like this. Everyone was down at the pizza party, even Sohee, so there was not a soul around.
So much effort for privacy.
"We a star, Queen boulevard, we live how we wanna, I don't care what people think this is our persona," I was speed rapping to myself, going on and on about the song that we performed recently. "You've never tasted our style we second to nada. Hot like a lava, fresh like Havana. Lalalalalala..."
When I thought I heard footsteps behind me, I turned around to look. I scanned every corner from where I stood, shining my torch around but there was not a shadow.
Am I hearing things now?
I cursed lowly to myself and shuddered as I grew more frightened. Whoever sent me that text better have some explaining to do.
Shining my flashlight over the door sign that said '#3A', I entered without hesitation and slammed on all the lights to make the brightest room. Only then, I was put to ease.
The next time I checked my watch, there were 5 more minutes before the meet up so I spent the time browsing the space. It was smaller than the usual practice rooms but there still fit a grand piano. Walking over, I lightly brushed the surface of the piano to feel it at my fingertips, recalling the days I was younger and smiled.
I think I was 7? Those were the days my mother stood by my side all the time to watch me play... with a cane in her hand to hit me every time I played a wrong note.
God I hated piano.
I smiled bigger in rejoice remembering that the piano magically disappeared from the house one day. I only found out later that my father had discarded it because I said I wanted it gone for my birthday wish, and my mother was mad at dad for days. Back then, I was still daddy's little princess who had all his love and affection... but now, with business and success in the palm of his hands, he had forgotten about me.
My smile dropped at the hateful reality, again woken by the fact that they had abandoned me back then. Until the day I die, I would never forget that it wasn't just me with a change of heart, but my parents had changed at some point too.
The lights suddenly went out, making it pitch black before me. I spun around in fright, with my heart rate elevated causing me to breathe harder as I searched for the light switch in the dark. I ran to the door remembering that the switches were beside and banged at it but the lights wouldn't come back on.
Just a blackout, no need to freak out, Jisoo.
I grabbed the doorknob and pulled at it once, twice, thrice, and tens of times to no avail. It wouldn't open, and the situation slowly dawned upon me.
Who the mother-friggin hell would do something so low and horrendous as to lock me in?
Yuri?
"HEY!" I banged at the door with great agitation while fear slowly crept into me. Whoever - or I naturally assumed it to be Yuri - who made this trap was succeeding because the memory of my past was about to replay in my head again.
"I know you're there, but don't do this please," I said as nicely and calmly as I could. "It's not funny," my voice soon turned shaky and impatient.
The last thing I wanted was to revisit my trauma but everything in the current situation was trapping me back in. Every second in this dark and stuffy lock up was pushing me to the brink of insanity, and I desperately needed out.
"Please, I'm sorry, whoever you are," I now begged in a weak cry. I continued to work the knob hoping that it would open if I kept trying, but it was useless. Slamming my body against the door didn't work too.
Think, Jisoo. Think how else.
When I remembered I still had a call line, I quickly pulled out the phone from my back pocket. But one moment of carelessness was all it took to end it. The phone slipped out of my shaky hands and dropped to the floor with a loud thud, and so did my heart.
In the blackness, I felt the ground desperately for it again. I thought I was saved when I retrieved it, but no matter how much I fiddled with it, the phone was dead on me. Company phones were clearly of cheap, lousy quality with not the slightest bit of durability, and I was suddenly crying my heart out at the ridiculous situation.
Being stuck in the dark alone reminded me of how helpless I was back then, and it was ten times more terrorizing than a mere nightmare. Every scene of the past was flashing through my mind again, and in the pitch darkness that was all I could see. I shook my head in tears, badly wanting the thoughts to stop. It took me so long to walk away from it, but why? Why again?
The events repeated in my mind and I was hell convinced that the same thing was about to happen on me again.
The dust in the air revealed by a thin streak of sunlight through the door crack,
the pebbly ground that made sandy sounds every time I struggled on the floor,
the splashing sound of lubricant on the floor and flowing towards me,
the matchstick dropping to ignite a fire and the way the orange flames spread towards me...
I banged and started screaming hysterically at the door as fear consumed me. When nothing worked, I felt my way around the walls for another way out. Dark thoughts controlled me and made me believe that I was going to die. I was sure that a fire was going to break out, and if I didn't get out, I would be burned alive.
My body suddenly felt hot as if a fire had sparked out right next to me. I couldn't see the fire, but it was there and I could feel it. There was actual heat blazing at my skin and I couldn't rub the feeling away as much as I tried.
I was really going to be burned alive.
Shaking badly, I continued feeling my way around the ways until I touched a surface that felt like glass. Yes, I remembered seeing a window in the room, and that was my newfound hope.
I felt around it a little more but soon realised that the window had no openings, and I cried more internally.
Without second thoughts, I hit it once with all my might but failed to break it. The second attempt I did, it rebounded with a little vibration. The third time, with a whole lot of frustration and desperation, I rammed my entire fist through and shattered the window down to bits and pieces on the ground.
I saw blood in my knuckles but I couldn't feel pain, not when my mind was still occupied by the trauma. With my bleeding hand, I formed a fist and hammered off the remaining shards of glass that hung at the window frame to make the hole big enough for me to climb through.
When it seemed okay, I gripped the window frame tight to steady myself, even though the leftover shards were poking into my skin. I was about to pass through when the door magically swung open on me. A figure came in with a flashlight in his hand, shining into my face. The sudden brightness stung my eyes, but it was also what started to pull me out of my fearful delusion.
"SOO YA!" his voice was loud, clear, and in complete shock. Tears streaked down my cheeks as I let out my heaviest breath, finding relief as his voice rang into my ears.
It was Jongdae, and he was here to save me.
I loosened my grip on the window and dropped back down to the ground. I had wasted too much energy struggling that I felt completely drained out.
Jongdae crouched down to me and held me upright to study my panic-stricken soul. I stayed unmoving, still bewitched by the flashlight in his hands and silently ran through the events that had just happened.
No matter how much I tried to suppress my fear, in the end, all it took was a few seconds of trapped darkness to turn me crazy. Literally. I realised that all the years I spent building my defences around people and chasing this idol dream could go down the drain in seconds.
I thought I had walked out of my past since I was able to handle the nightmares, but whatever happened tonight proved me wrong. Even after all this time, I couldn't stop my fear from controlling me.
I spilled another tear effortlessly and met Jongdae's eyes, yet I couldn't say a word. His presence was comfort, but this was the last thing I wanted our meetup to be.
Tonight, I had shattered a window by sending my bare fist right through solid glass.
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A/N: Y'all be seeing a lot of psychology stuff in my books and pardon me but it is because I am majoring in psychology so these things are quite my thing ;-P
Hope you liked the chap!
Cheers,
- A