"Ah!" Spes pushes out her arms, hoping to sooth the impact, but she still hits the bark of the tree with zero mercy after Abraham threw her to the solid substance. "Please just stop!" She turns around to see everyone looking.
All of them. Their eyes unwilling to give her an ounce of doubt. She's done for.
"I know this has something to do with you!" The redheaded man slaps his hands on her shoulders to pick her up like a doll without strength, pressing her against the growing tree while sizing her down with his eyes.
"Dad, do something!" Carl beckons, pleading his father to intervene. Do something. Anything. But he's just standing there, studying the situation while Daryl keeps Jesse back, away from his friend as the rest of the group stare in one of two places; Gabriel on his knees in heartbroken sadness.
"There's something you're not telling us." Abraham growls. "You got supplies, a way to defend yourself, first hand training with that fvcking toothpick, almost zero knowledge about the world today, and then this?" He picks up her dark grey braid, dangling it around before tossing it back down.
Spes can't keep a brave face forever. It's slowly losing its ability to stick, and she flinches when he touches her at all the next time.
What can she do? Lie?
"There's nothing to tell. If you think this has anything to do with me...y-"
"I'm wrong? Take a look at this long and hard little missy." His gruff hand clamps around her jaw before turning her face to stare at the church, still burning to the ground, smoke rising up and blending with the air, tall and infectious with how it spreads.
It's then that she looks at Carl, knowing she can't keep it a secret any longer. After this, there's no way. Jesse knows it. And that's why he only has a look of sympathy now. Sympathy.
"Why Spes?"
Why?
"It's because of you, isn't it?"
Isn't it?
"Why is the church burning?"
_______________
-One Hour Earlier-
-Spes' P.O.V.-
"Ok. You two, with me." Rick points at Jesse and myself before making eye contact with Carl and Michonne, all 5 of us going in one direction while Abraham, Rosita, Tara and Noah go in the other. Carol and Daryl went with Sasha and Tyreese in another pointed road while the rest are staying at the church, tending to the baby and keeping an eye on things.
I kept thinking about last night, while everyone was inside, being tucked away, and I ran into the glare of that big ape, Abe, that once I got inside, wouldn't stop hounding me about who I was and what my past consisted of.
And when Judith, Carl's sister cried, he made it clear that I didn't seem very impressed with the idea of a child being born into this world. He seemed really curious about why I was the way I was, and I didn't have enough answers to make myself sound inconspicuous.
Fvck...What do these people want from me? What more can I give than...whatever I have?
Why are they so...nosy or...invasive with their questions? Has everything changed from what I remember it to be, what I grew up with, to this?
When I came out here, the ominous open arms of night ready to swallow me into this world I thought was going to be a walk in the park to go through, I didn't expect humanity to be so low in presence.
The only person that's shown any sign of actually being a human is...well, Jesse.
Jesse and...Carl.
Ok, fine, a lot of them are actually turning out to be pretty fvcking decent-ish, save for a few quirks but, I can swallow the fact that I was wrong about them being barbarians. They're not that bad. Just, unorthodox survivors.
Or rather, they're just not what I expected. Definitely different. I expected them to be just like the families stuck back at the mall. Smiling, being friendly, having this system to work in between communities. Instead it's way different. It's like...I Am Legend out here, except it's not a city and, the monsters are a little different.
"Hey." Carl's deep voiced mumble alerts me to him walking next to my stride.
Well, I guess we're talking today. After last night's little 'let's fumble around and see if we land a dance move' game, I'd be surprised if he still ignored me.
"Hi." I turn and cheese my fvcking head off...because...why?
Sh1t, did I just...grin?
Why did I just grin?
Well, it never hurts to be friendly, even though I didn't know I was about to be so friendly that I'd shine my pearly whites at I guy I've pretty much just met but...okay.
"You're just gonna use your sword?" Carl glances at my weapon of choice before moving up to my face. "If you'd learn to shoot you wouldn't have to."
"Yeah. Maybe." Geez. "Let's face it, you're a sh1tty teacher."
"Ha? Or maybe you're just a willful student?" I catch the playfulness in his, really fvcking deep voice and turn to raise my eyebrows and scoff at his sentence.
"Oh really? If I'd have a real teacher I could respect," I tilt my head and pat Carl's gun strapped to his leg, which pretty much scares the sh1t out of him that he jolts a foot away from me. "I'd be shooting better than you. I mean I doubt you can even lift that thing properly let alone hit your target." I say more in jest than serious belief. Or well, I don't really know what to think about Carl right now.
At this point all I can say is...he's nice? Well, when he doesn't have a feisty attitude about him he's nice. Actually, he's only been nice once to me. And that was last night. Or was it? Oh heIl, I don't know. Why am I wasting my time thinking about him?
Hmm...I wonder what he thinks about me. Does he hate me? Does he...like me? As a friend? Or, as a human at least?
Tch. I don't care if he likes me or not. Fvck that. I've admitted that he's not some random guy, but that only means that I've never met anyone else like him. Doesn't mean there aren't others like him. Right?
"Think what you want. I happen to know that you could have 10 swords!" He exclaims with a movement of his arm. "I only need one gun and your down." He shrugs.
"Oooooh really?" I feel my hand begging to grip around my handle to pull out the surprisingly dangerous weapon and take him by surprise, but I stop, close in my tracks, when he turns around, smirks at me, then nods.
"HeIl yeah."
Oh sh1t. Ooooohhh sh1t. Now what am I gonna do?
I think he might be hot.
_______________
"Ok. You two, that house. We'll take this one." Rick nods to a rundown 2 story job, a beautiful front door with minimal damages to it, but it looks like it's been swallowed by the ground. I mean there are weeds everywhere.
I guess that's what happens when, obvious to me by now; there are no actual jobs or stores in working order. Like I trained myself to pound into my thoughts every time I start to ask about a business or a certain item that doesn't work, I remember, or am starting to really get that, the entire world, has stopped.
Back home, the mall...it's not the majority of life. It's not that we left the world behind and kept living like it was no big deal.
Walking up these steps, turning around and looking at the hot day stand in perfect stillness, nothing alive to break that routine, I see that we didn't leave the world behind. The world left us behind and stopped somewhere along the way.
The majority of life is this. Whatever this is. That mall I grew up in for 5 years and some days counting...That is the last stronghold of survival, and my father's not doing a thing to make it count. I know what his goals are, crazy as he may be for believing in them, but it's not something I stand by.
And this body, harvested like a hybrid crop, genetically played with since birth. Or even before that. Tampering with his semen, injecting me through my mother's belly.
What was the goal? A child's lifetime to create this, and not even have the strength to let go of his dream that went up in smoke 10 years after he put it into progress? One tiny mistake resulted in the downfall to an entire planet.
"You comin'?" Carl waits by the door, and I sigh before going in after him, the place a somewhat clean, somewhat dingy disaster.
"So what exactly are we looking for?" I begin to stare at the place, a little curious as to what's upstairs, imagining someone still living here, barging down the steps to aim a shot gun at us or something that I've imagined people doing ever since I was little thanks to certain movies, and make my way into the kitchen where the place looks totally stripped of silverware, like a small wind came to whirl in and out of this space.
It's only fitting that a chill crawls up my spine at the thought of this entire family being gone now, not in their home, because of me. Or, no, because of my father.
"Aren't you gonna ask where the family is? Why no one's taking care of this place?" Carl smiles before putting something in the bag hanging off his shoulder, and I nearly lose my vocabulary when he slowly brings his face up to, his sweaty hair starting to stick to his damp cheek while his bangs hover over his eyebrows that I wish I could see but can't.
I don't know why I'm not freaking answering him back right away. But it's resulting in me and him just looking at each other. Our breathing seemingly escalated. A mystery behind our stare, and just the simple act of watching and memorizing that which is before us.
So getting this straight, there was a guy like this, a person like this, out here all this time? And I never knew he even existed. That's fascinating in a suffocating kind of way.
"I'm learning not to ask stupid questions. The family is, probably long gone. Right?" I slowly back away and hurry to the farthest side of the kitchen's island counter where I begin scanning for something that these people might find useful.
"That. Or they're all dead."
"Dea-Dead?"
"Yeah. I wouldn't doubt it if this whole neighborhood was wiped out long ago." Carl shrugs with a little pity, but mostly irrelevance to whatever it is he just fvcking told me, and I try not to let the images of people being slaughtered by those monsters, the demon's with cold eyes, into my head. It would be easy too. To overlook in my imagination, but for some reason, it's the image of me and my father being responsible, as if we'd killed everyone ourselves that compel me to cover my mouth and rest my elbows on the table, holding my head like it's going to fall off, the pounding is so strong.
I never knew.
I never knew that, aside from being responsible for the corruption of life, I-
I can barely fathom the death of one family! Let alone an entire 1/3 of our country!
"Anyway, we just need anything useful to survive. Food, blankets, maybe some clothes? It's coming on to winter soon. We don't want to freeze to death."
I open my eyes, a tear dropping next to my elbow, and just like clockwork, I finally see it. A simple black handle, a short length of silver, but a sharp enough kitchen knife to make me remember the thousands of times I twirled around the temptation...
Growing up to think I was the reason so many people were alive. I gave them hope to keep living...when in reality, I was the reason so many people were dead.
That must be why this knife looks so attractive right now. Why I feel this to be a salvation from the scars that are starting to appear on my heart.
Everything taken away. I helped take away life, so I should give mine back, to make things...
No. How the fvck is that even?!
My fingers pull away from the close touch to the cutting knife and I wipe my eyes after running my hand through my hair.
Stupid. I have a plan. If I want to make up for this, offing myself is not the fvcking answer. It's getting my blood to D.C. where scientists who actually give a damm about reversing this mess are waiting for a break through, or some kind of miracle to happen.
Tch. Suicide, isn't an option right now. Not yet. I mean I can't even say for sure if I'll be able to live after everything that's going to happen, happens. I know by now at least that it's probably going to get worse. Maybe my conscience will break before I can make a difference. Or maybe it won't let me live with the fact that my dad and I fvcked up this world so there wouldn't be a sunny hopeful tomorrow.
Geez, Spes. Calm down. It's probably not as bad as all that. There are probably survivors living in trees and swinging from vines that are doing just fine. They've probably adapted ninja type skills where they could attack walkers and be back in their natural habitats within 3 seconds time.
I wonder if that's stupid. I mean apparently it was stupid of me to think that there was civilization here before, so the other option is, primitive beings...No?
"Ha." I smile at the sudden image of Carl in a leopard print jungle outfit with a spear in his right hand and a bone necklace on his chest.
"Found anything?" I look up and see the guy I'd just imagined in a tree with a falcon on his forearm tilt his head to the side and waits for me to say something.
Oh sh1t. What do I say to keep me from laughing at him?
"Uh, ha-er...uh, C-Carl?" I swallow.
"YYYeah?"
"Have you ever...thought about," I look at the knife. "S...S-S," Why can't I ask him? Has he ever thought about suicide? It wouldn't be that far of a thought would it? "Have you ever thought about s-"
"Sex?" His voice comes out panicky and what?
"Huh?!"
"That's not what you were gonna say?!" His eyes widen a bit and I can see the blush on his cheeks from here.
"The...No! No, where'd you get sex all of a sudden?!"
"I-I don't know. Nowhere!"
"You got it from somewhere! Who says that?!"
"Just pretend I didn't say it!" He yells back.
"I can't! Why'd you think I was going to say sex?"
"What were you going to say?!" He changes the subject, and like an idiot, I fall for it.
"I was going to say suicide!" My voice nearly cracks, but the word came out loud and clear. Just like that, the entire mood shifts from awkward, to serious, and by the way Carl's slowly starting to change his look towards me, I'd say offensive.
-Carl's P.O.V.-
"Why would you think I'd consider suicide?" I take a step forward, inching closer to her while she stands her ground.
"I don't know. I just wondered."
Wondered? She just keeps on throwing things out there between us that I can't figure out what they mean. Why is she so different? Anyone could ask about suicide, but it's driving me nuts that I want to know why she's asking about it?
"Have you ever thought about it?" My heart skips a beat at the idea of someone I know confessing that they've wanted to kill themselves, actually put a solid end where they won't think about another thought after it's over. They won't feel anything anymore, just, nothing.
Nothing will go on. They'll just be dead. A corpse. And the only thing they gained is some irrelevant goal to never feel anything ever again. The want to not feel or go through anything they can't handle, and it'll be useless, because they'll be dead, and it won't serve them.
It only matters when they're alive, not dead!
"I asked you first." Spes gasps and I glare at her before spotting the knife next to her.
"I hate suicide." I spit before dragging the weapon closer to my body, startling her in the process. "Some people that died...They didn't choose it. They didn't take their life for granted." My head starts to swirl with thoughts of my mom. "They had value, they wanted to live. But they didn't get to. They still died. And..." I try to bite down my hate for the subject, but it just keeps growing.
Dammit.
"The people who just throw it away?" I feel my eyes uncaring for how strong I'm looking at Spes, grabbing her attention that she's starting to look uncomfortable. I turn away before I say something I don't mean, but the idea of my mom, the shot that kept her from coming back as something else...
"Carl?"
"Fvck them."
My feet move without me giving much thought to it. I don't really want to stay in this house anymore, so I just leave her inside, a little thrown by how hateful I just sounded, and I sigh when I reach the last step on the front porch.
_______________
-Spes' P.O.V.-
"Are we done yet?" I frown when Carl closes the front door and scoffs at my constant questions. "What?"
"We're done, when we're done. We still have that house to clear." He points and I hit the back of my head on the white wall before hurrying to walk beside him.
I don't know what this guys problem is, one minute he's nice, next minute he's freaking out over suicide and we're back to bickering with each other thanks to this stupid 'run' and I just wish, that I'd never decided to stay with this group because I'm not really feeling all that great about the choice.
"So is this how you spend your days? House to house? Clear to clear? Run to run?" I moan out the sad reality of how boring that must be, and he just starts chuckling at me. "What?"
"I've never met anyone who complains so much." He passes me and I lick my lips before getting ready to tackle him to the ground again, but my hand refuses to leave my saber's handle at the sight of an Infected barely standing, turning to see us coming closer to the house it's pretty much guarding.
"Carl?" I take a step back.
"It's just one walker." He informs me, his voice a little annoyed but the second he turns to see me, his features soften up, the impatience he's got tied into his eyes loosen, and he faces the ground before ruffling his lashes together, clenching his jaw and showing me his Alaskan husky blue iris' once more.
What's happening? There's an actual walker stumbling closer and closer to us, but all I'm actually seeing is Carl.
Why is that?
"Spes." He whispers my name like a secret. "Come here." And I watch Carl extend his hand to me, his palm welcoming my touch to his skin, that I allow myself to give in.
It's only another half minute that he's pulling me in front of him, both of us standing in the middle of a deserted neighborhood road where it seems like we're the only two alive, and he moves me to stand in front of his chest.
"Carl? What are-"
"We're picking up where we left off. Walker Annihilation 101, teacher Carl Grimes ready to instruct student Spes or, Mark, whichever one you like more, on how to aim and put down an as$hole." I unconsciously shiver at the feeling of his voice being spoken against my ear that I nearly miss it when he takes the back of my hand and leads it down to his gun. "Take out my cock."
I feel my body freeze up.
"Wha-What? What'd you just say?" I feel my cheeks turn pink.
"I said take out my gun." He moves my fingers to hold his metal weapon.
Well, what the fvck did I just hear? Sh1t, am I- I'm hearing things? Why am I hearing things? Stupid! He has his back pressed up against me, and because my as$ is slightly curved out I'm actually surprised I can't feel his hips or something against my clothes. Of course after years of Estela in my head I'll be hearing things.
As long as I don't imagine things like Carl slipping his hand forward towards my breasts then that's...that's...
"Carl. I don't feel very-"
"You have to." He whispers. "Here. I'll help you." He pulls our hands up, and I see the walker inching closer, several feet away still, and I lose my ability to breathe when Carl nearly rests his cheek on mine, his arms around me to guide my direction of target. "Spes, you need to stop shaking. It's not going to hurt us, I promise."
As$hole, that's not why I'm shaking!
"Ok, pull me."
"What?!"
"Pull the trigger!"
I need to stop hearing things! Gosh, Carl must think I'm losing my mind right about now!
-Carl's P.O.V.-
I must be losing my mind. What the heIl am I doing? I have Spes pressed up against me, my heart ready to explode at the feeling of her soft figure retreating from the walker, closer towards my body, and I can't stop looking at her neck where her collar bone and exposed moist skin is.
"Ok, pull the trigger." I bite my lower lip, trying to keep my head clear from whatever perverted thoughts I have, and it's like she can hear them the way she jerks to the side to look at me.
"What?!"
"Pull the trigger!" I blush and stare at the walker, in our sights that I nearly squeeze her close to me at the thought of having to let her go after she fires a shot, and the silencer Glenn gave me keeps it contained that she only winces a little when it falls to the ground, no longer a threat.
Before even thinking it through, when Spes starts to move, I slide my hands around her ribs below her chest, and stand there, my face against her shoulder, waiting to have her push me away.
_____________________
I'M SHIPPING SPARL. WHO ELSE???? Sorry for the delay btw. I was going to upload and work on the chapter yesterday, but I got a headache. T-T