Ethan's P.O.V.
Originally it was just the four boys in the Sidemen house, but after a few long discussions about our future together as a group and what would be best for our content and careers, we decided to find a house for all seven of us. It was about the same size as our last but there was more space within each room for our office set ups and the backyard was perfect for filming large scale, outdoor videos. It was brilliant, honestly, and I loved the first few months we spent together. It was crazy and loud, sure, but I thrived in that environment.
But for a while, everything was perfect. The other boys seemed to enjoy it as much as I did, living in the same house as everyone else, but after a couple of months I noticed some changes. In Vikk, specifically. In the beginning he was just as excited as everyone else but after a month or two he began withdrawing. He stopped coming downstairs when we had parties, he barely ate, he always seemed to be working and never sleeping.
In the beginning we didn't discuss it, we figured it was Vikk's way of coping with the new, rather busy environment and wouldn't have been surprised if it was. I thought depression may have played into it as well- he had disclosed to us that he had been diagnosed with mild depression at 17 but was medicated for it and seemed to be coping. Maybe the medication wasn't working as well or something else had happened to do with that.
But it was when there was a visible weight loss, I started to panic. He looked drawn and tired all the time, constantly pushing himself to record at every hour of the day, never eating. I talked with Tobi first because I didn't know how to intervene and he said that he had noticed it too, and was just as worried.
"We need to do something." He had said, biting his lip. "I'm really worried about him. I don't want him to do something stupid."
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But it kept going, and it kept getting worse. The visible weight loss was even worse, he looked like a stick, and I hadn't seen him in the kitchen in over a week. I didn't think he had snacks in his room. There was a constant state of anxiety among the other members of the Sidemen as we knew something was desperately wrong, but we didn't know how to act to make it alright again.
However, one night, a couple of days since I had last seen Vikk, I knocked on his door to ask if he was up and wanting to record. But I didn't hear a reply. It surprised me, I knew he was in there but given that it was three in the afternoon and he had uploaded a video half an hour earlier, I had thought he was awake. I knocked again, and once again there was no reply.
Tobi came up behind me as I continued to knock, also looking concerned.
"Is he in there?" He asked, frowning. I shrugged my shoulders.
"I don't know, he should be but he's not replying." I knocked once more, only louder. "Vikk! Please, are you in there! I'm gonna come in if you don't reply!"
But, just as I expected, there was still no reply. So, with a heavy heart, I turned the door handle and pushed open the door. I don't know what I was expecting, but it certainly wasn't the scene that greeted me and Tobi when the door was opened and our eyes adjusted to the dim lighting. Vikk's curtains were closed.
And then I saw him. Vikk was lying face down on his bed, sprawled out not even under the covers, and there was so much blood. The sheets on his bed were stained underneath his wrists with puddles so big I didn't even know that much blood could come out of a person. He had slit his wrists. He had slit his wrists. The scream Tobi let out was ear shattering as he rushed to Vikk's side, pulling the unconscious boy off the bed and onto his lap, desperately trying to stem the sluggish bleeding with a t-shirt from the ground. I was frozen in shock before Tobi screamed at me to move, to call an ambulance, to do something!
The other Sidemen must have heard Tobi's scream because they all rushed into the room, freezing when they saw the scene. I was on the phone, begging for an ambulance, and that was when I noticed all of the other scars on Vikk's arms... and legs... and hips when his shirt rode up.... oh god, how long had he been self harming? It had to be many months at least, if not years or more.
"Oh god, Vikk, Vikk please..." Tobi breathed, curled over him. "Please, don't go."
I kneeled down beside the two boys, still on the phone, but trembling so much that I couldn't speak anymore. Vikk was limp, unconscious, still bleeding onto the floor despite Tobi's best efforts to stop it. He was pale, breathing barely there- I knew he was dying in front of us. All I could pray that the ambulance would make it in time for him.
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They made it, but just barely. Despite our best efforts to stop the bleeding Vikk was deteriorating rapidly, teetering on the verge of life and death when the EMS arrived, two workers rushing up to the stairs and immediately took over from Tobi and I, hooking up IV's, talking about a blood transfusion, wrapping up the wounds.
"Has he taken anything else?" One of them asked. "An overdose of something?"
"I- I don't know-" I stuttered, shock at the question. "I don't think so-"
"Okay, good, but we'll still run blood work to make sure. We need to move now, get him back so we can get a transfusion, he's lost a lot of blood." I only nodded, everything was going too fast. "One of you can come with us-" I volunteered before any of the others could even say anything. "Alright, lets go."
Tobi nodded to me as I left with Vikk- he seemed to be the only one present enough to be able to drive. I would see them soon and for now, my focus was Vikk. All that mattered right then as he lay on the stretcher unconscious and barely holding onto life.
The next few hours were confusing and scary as Vikk was rushed away from me into the ICU, transfusions of blood to keep him alive, no explanation in that time as to if he was okay and if he was even going to pull through. I supposed it was because he was constantly surrounded by doctors and nurses checking on him and keeping him going, but no one pulled me aside and told me what was going on. The Sidemen also weren't allowed in while such a rush was going on.
Finally, three hours after we first found Vikk lying on his bed, nearly having bled out, the Sidemen and I were pulled into a side room and told what was going on.
"He should pull through." The doctor said, a clipboard clutched in his hand. "The damage will obviously cause some scarring, but in the end there won't be any permanent damage beyond that. But... mental health wise, we would like to see him placed in a mental health institution once he is awake and doesn't need to be cared for by us. This was obviously a suicide attempt, and given the self harming he has likely felt this way for a long time."
I nodded slowly, and so did the others. It made sense, but it also scared me so much. I didn't know much about mental institutions other than the bad things- it was for the mad, the insane, those beyond help. But I didn't think of Vikk as being beyond help- he was just depressed and took out that sadness and fear by harming himself. He would be okay- wouldn't he?
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It took nearly three months, two weeks in hospital and then 10 more in the mental institution, before Vikk was allowed home. He was ashamed of his scars and refused to show them to us, but now we knew about them, we could help him through his struggles. He was medicated for a major depressive disorder and anxiety, but medication wasn't everything. He needed both therapy and a supportive group of friends in his home, which we tried our best to be. We had Vikk's therapist talk to us about the best methods for being supportive and helping him in times of fear.
But it got better. Slowly, surely, I noticed the improvements in Vikk. He gained a little bit of weight, he was eating more, looking after himself and separating himself from his work when he needed to. He was getting better.
Vikk leaned up against me, closing his eyes. I ran a hand through his hair and he sighed happily, giggling. I loved his laugh and I loved hearing it because it meant I knew he was happy and his being happy was all I ever wanted. Gathered around us the other Sidemen lay sprawled on couches or on the floor, all of us laughing and giggling as a group because now everything was okay. It was okay- it wasn't perfect, it wasn't always alright, but it was okay.
"I love you Vikk." I murmured into the top of his head, grinning when he looked up at me with a shy smile. "I'm so glad you're here."
He didn't reply, but he continued to smile. He knew we all loved him so much, he knew we never wanted to see him go. We loved him. And it helped.