Fleetwood Mac: Landslide
Essie
I felt odd saying yes to filming Harry's music video, our issues were still not completely resolved, but it was a silent understanding we had that some things were better left unsaid.
"Hey Ramona, I know I've been a rubbish friend and I'm sorry. Would you like to come over tonight for wine and cheese and 90s music? Call me. I love you.", I left a voicemail on Ramona's phone, not sure if she weren't able to pick up or if she'd decided to punish me for the last week. It was definitely the longest we'd gone without speaking, even when we were children, we were never able to stay mad at each other longer than two days...
My doorbell rang and it was a welcome change, but I wasn't expecting anyone. Becks stood there with two boxes of takeout sushi, smiling as soon as I opened the door.
"I have a two hour lunch break, so I thought I'd pop round and bring you some of your favourite rolls,", I let her in, "also, Ramona told me you were finally ready to speak to us, so I thought I'd beat you to it.".
"I'm really sorry you had to be the one to reach out, Becks. I never intended to punish you, especially because you've never been anything but supportive about everything I do. It was Ramona and Harry who really deserved the punishment and you just got caught in the middle, collateral.", my mate looked at me with her understanding eyes, the blue in them brighter than usual whenever she wanted to make you see that she loved you no matter what.
"Ess, I get it. It's not nice when the people you love the most don't accept your partner. I don't know what I would've done if you lot had disliked Pierce. Ramona has her way of doing things and it's not always the cleverest, you know that better than anyone. When it comes to Harry I can't really tell you why he reacted the way he did, because I don't know him that well. But if you want to talk about it, I'm here.", we sat down in the living room, unpacked the sushi and I decided the time had finally come for me to be totally honest with Becks about Ed, Harry and Matt.
"Listen, what I'm about to tell you will not be easy for me, so try to understand that it's taking a lot for me to open up about my relationships. Not everyone is as perfect as you and Pierce are, but you've been the golden standard in my eyes and every time I notice I'm nowhere near that level of devotion and love, I freak out.", Becks was quiet, dipping the California rolls into spicy mayo, "In short, I never loved Ed... not the way you'd thought I had. It was fairly apparent to me, and to him. We stayed in a relationship out of convenience and it took me a long time to accept how wrong and unfair that was to the both of us. I wasn't devastated when he cheated on me because it hadn't been the first time. I just thought it was expected of me to act like a broken woman. In reality, I felt immense amounts of relief when we were finally able to break it off. I know how absurd it must sound, especially because we weren't bound by contract to remain in a toxic relationship. It just felt like the right thing at the time, however ridiculous the decision was.".
"I had a feeling that was the case, but I never wanted to pressure you into telling me the full story. Even though you acted sad, and it was quite believable at first, the sorrow never reached your eyes. I knew hon', because I know you.", it came as a surprise to me that Becks was so in tune with me, but it really shouldn't have been a surprise. She is the one person, besides Rosa, that always knows what I'm thinking, even when I don't want to say it.
"Now, Harry... he is so incredible. Probably the most incredible guy I'd ever met. He's kind, thoughtful, funny, he makes me happy and if the circumstances were ideal, I would jump at the opportunity to love him. But, Becks, I don't know if I'll ever be able to give him the love he deserves. And he deserves the world, the stars, the moon, and an entire galaxy. He is that good.", Becks' eyes popped open, "Hey, don't get me wrong – I am not in love with Harry. I love him, but I will not allow myself to fall in love with him.".
"And what about Matt? Why are you with him?", we finished all the sushi and I was making us coffee, which was the perfect opportunity to catch my breath and turn away from her for just a second.
"Matt's a really nice guy. I don't understand why you didn't like him right off the bat, he's very friendly, he's also kind and supportive."
"Essie it's not him that we disliked. It's the fact you're with someone that doesn't make you completely happy. You are content, but you aren't as happy as you deserve to be. Again, the happiness you claim to be feeling doesn't reach your eyes.", sometimes, Becks was so brutally honest it hurt to hear it.
"But we get along so well, he doesn't expect a lot from me, understands what my career entails and is very kind to me!", I exclaimed.
"Darling, don't you understand that you're repeating the same mistake you made with Ed? You're staying in a relationship just for the sake of having a relationship. That is not at all what love, and relationships come to it, are about. You aren't desperate for affection... if anything you're as cold as they get sometimes. You've never been the girl to desperately seek affirmation through someone else's eyes. You've never needed a man to feel complete in life. That's why I don't understand your need to continue on with something that isn't right."
"I want to give it a go, just for a bit longer, because I need to figure out who's right in this scenario – me or you guys...", it felt odd telling her everything, but the last bit made me feel guilty, like I still wasn't convinced when it came to Matt.
"If that's what you want to do, then fine. But be careful, you don't want to hurt him or yourself. What's new with Harry? Have you talked to him?"
"I have. He came over yesterday. I'll be filming his new music video soon, in California.", Becks shot me a funny look, and I knew what she wanted to say with it: you haven't called Ramona in weeks but you'll be shooting Harry's new video?!.
"That sounds fun!", she said instead.
After Becks left, I played the new song a few times, grabbing my camera and shooting stills around my garden, trying to get back into the swing of things. I don't have much experience with video shooting or filmmaking. It has always interested me, I just never took the leap and tried it out for myself. My phoned buzzed in my pocket and I almost dropped my camera when I saw the message.
'We got the beach. Pack your bags, we're heading to Cali in two days. There will be a team of film directors there, don't worry. I'm extremely excited. See you soon, H.'
Two days? How the hell was I supposed to come up with a concept in two days? Was it even expected of me to come up with a concept, or would the team of directors handle that? How the hell had I gotten myself in this situation?
Over the next day I kept jotting down ideas, scenes I could envision whilst listening to the song, images that kept popping up in my mind when I thought about the video. I wanted it to be inclusive, because it was a celebration of primarily female pleasure, so I told Harry I wouldn't do the job unless we got a bunch of women – all different sizes, shapes, colours and personalities – for the video. He obviously agreed and tasked someone to handle the casting. I called Tony and let him know I'd be in Los Angeles soon, and asked if he could secure me a couple of cameras we'd be using.
"Hey Matt, I wasn't expecting you today...", I opened the door and saw him standing there, ready to ring the doorbell.
"Can I come in?", he sounded serious.
"What's going on?"
"I ran into Becks today and she told me how excited she was because of your new filmmaking venture in Malibu. I had no idea what she was talking about, obviously, but I pretended to know because I would've felt stupid otherwise. What was she talking about, Estee?", my throat immediately clammed up, I couldn't believe the one person I forgot to tell about the gig was Matt.
"Oh Matt, I am so sorry. I really didn't mean for you to feel like that. I honestly had so much on my mind that I forgot to tell you that I got a job shooting Harry's new music video.", Matt's face was hard to read. His brows were furrowed, and I kept fidgeting with my fingers, picking up stuff around the kitchen and pretending to clean.
"You're a photographer, not a filmmaker, right?", he finally spoke, "Yeah, but I'd always been interested in filmmaking, Harry is just giving me the opportunity to see if I'm any good at it.".
"So, you will be in Malibu, for God knows how long, with Harry?", it was the first time I could detect a hint of jealousy from Matt.
"Yes. Is there a problem?"
"I don't like the two of you spending time together.", he cut right to the chase.
"He's one of my closest friends, Matt. I was spending time with him before you and I even knew each other."
"I don't like it. I think he's in love with you.", I burst out laughing, because this was the most absurd conversation, I was ever part of.
"What would you like me to do?", I baited him, knowing it was wrong, but I wanted to see how far he'd go.
"Ideally, cut him out of your life.", and he took the bait.
"That won't be happening, I can tell you that one for free. I spend two weeks not talking to my friends because they didn't approve of our relationship, I finally made peace with them and now you're telling me you want me to cut one of my best friends, out of my life?"
"You never told me they didn't approve of us?!"
"I didn't want to make you feel bad, but now I see that I shouldn't have spared your feelings, seeing as you're not sparing mine.", the conversation was getting heated and Bono ran away to the garden.
"You're just not honest with me. I've had the feeling something was missing, but I never expected you to keep something like that from me, Estee..."
"Matt, I cannot force my mates to like you, I thought that it would be enough that I liked you. But I guess you had other ideas.", I took a deep breath, afraid of where this was heading. I disliked confrontation, especially in forms of requests such as the one Matt had.
"Before I met Harry, I had the feeling he was in love with you. When I saw you two together it was more than evident for me, but I kept quiet because I thought you would tell me if anything were to happen. Now, I'm not so sure you would.", this was the final straw.
"Excuse me? What are you trying to say?"
"Do you have feelings for Harry?"
"I- ", words suddenly abandoned me, "I love him as much as I love Ramona and Becks. But I really dislike your insinuation, so I'd kindly ask you to leave and we can resume this conversation after I get back from Malibu and we've both cooled off.".
Matt stared at me for a second before turning around and leaving. It wasn't how I imagined this day going, at all. In a way, it felt nice knowing that he was willing to fight for me. His way of doing it wasn't so nice, though. I never had close male friends, so I never had to deal with situations like this one before. How do you handle it when your boyfriend thinks your best mate is in love with you? More importantly, how do you tell him he's right to think you have feelings for that best mate?
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A/N: Oops. The amount of love I have for this song is out of this world. Landslide is such a masterpiece and if you've never given Fleetwood a chance, I highly suggest you do so... they are an incredible group. Back to the story, did you expect Matt to react the way he did? I almost feel bad making him out to be the bad guy, seeing as I've imagined him to look like Theo James and I can't imagine Theo as a bad guy haha, but it's all for the sake of the story.
A SPECIAL MESSAGE IN THE NEXT CHAPTER (DIRECTIONERS UNITE).
TPWK, always.
T