•Cody's POV•
''I broke my best friend's nose,'' I admit, a shrug following shortly despite the remorse I feel.
And I do feel bad.
Yeah, he threw a football at the back of my head but I could've just as easily shoved him and brushed it off.
I did what I did with intent.
I admit that I wanted to hurt him.
But he hurt me first. And I'm not just talking about physically.
''I can tell you have a lot of thoughts racing in your mind right now, you care to share any of them with me?'' Dr. Taylor asks.
I look over at him, the faded blonde hair on his head is swept to the back with gel, his dark rimmed glasses sitting on his nose, and his eyes soft yet unwavering, staring at me with patience.
''I feel bad about what I did,'' I explain, ''But even if I could take it back, I would still hit him, I just wouldn't break his nose this time.'' I admit.
I hear a cough leave Dr. Taylors mouth and I look up to see him wiping a smile from his lips.
''What?'' I ask, confused as to what was so funny.
''Nothing,'' He says, shaking his head slowly, ''But why make the same mistake again if you had a chance to fix it?'' He asks.
''Hitting him wasn't the mistake,'' I state quickly. ''Breaking his nose was what I was referring to when I said I felt bad.''
''Explain to me what makes you feel that way.''
''Well he's a fucking liar for one,'' I say, sitting back on the couch and folding my arms across my chest. ''His sister, as pissed as she was at him, couldn't wait to tell me about all the dudes he's been hooking up with and why she wasn't so surprised he went after me too.''
''And why does that make you upset?''
''Because...well—we had something going on, something—nothing serious really, and I'm a huge asshole for doing the shit I did with him while I was with his sister but still, we did those things and I just...I thought we had something. But he's been hooking up with other guys throughout the duration of everything that we were doing so...'' I shrug. ''I don't really care, he's just a liar.''
''You do care,'' Dr. Taylor disagrees, eyeing me seriously. ''If you didn't care Cody, it wouldn't affect you as much as it does. But there's nothing wrong with that you know,''
I scoff.
Yes, yes there is.
''There's a ton of shit wrong with that,'' I say, disagreeing with him quickly. ''Me caring about how he slept around while fooling around with me only gives him more power over me. Me being hurt by it, only gives him more power.''
''But what makes you feel like he wants power over you?''
''Everyone wants something from me. Everyone. I'd be stupid to think otherwise. And he clearly doesn't want to be with me. So? Obviously he wants to toy with my emotions, and revel in the fact that he can.''
''You gave me the impression that it was you that didn't want to be with him,'' Dr. Taylor states clearly, his eyes wandering along his notepad.
I open my mouth to speak, closing it swiftly when the words fail to seep free.
I don't want to be with Skylar.
But now that I've broken up with Scarlet, and Skylar has declared me not only toxic to his relationship with his sister, but toxic to his humanity as well, what the hell am I going to do with my time?
I hate being alone.
It gives me too much time to think and once my thoughts start racing around in my head they never stop.
Truthfully, whether I want to be with Skylar or not, I still need him.
He's the only one that really knows me.
I let him in more than I've ever let anyone in, even my brother.
He knows me.
Probably better than I know my own damn self at this point.
I want him in my life despite the way I act.
Despite the fact that I punched him in the face and broke his nose.
Despite the fact that I probably don't deserve a friendship like his at this point.
I don't care, I still want it.
I need it.
''What're you thinking about?'' Dr. Taylor asks, his inquiring brown eyes on me.
''About how you haven't yet told me that I'm a fucking idiot for pushing away the only friend that I have that I can actually tolerate hanging out with for more than an hour. And about how I can get him back,'' I answer seriously, a sigh leaving my lips.
Dr. Taylor takes his glasses off, placing them on the table beside him as he rests his notepad and pen next to them.
''You can start by apologizing for punching him in the face,'' He offers.
''But I already told you—I'm not sorry for punching him in the face.'' I object.
Dr. Taylor sighs, shaking his head.
''Okay well start by asking yourself why you're not sorry. Because you can't just apologize for breaking his nose, Cody. Until you feel remorse for putting your hands on him at all, your apology won't be sincere. And he'll know it.'' Dr. Taylor says, to which I roll my eyes in response.
''You said you feel like everyone wants something from you, that you feel like Skylar wants power over you. But what if that's just your insecurities clouding your judgement, and what if all your former friend wants is a sincere apology from you?'' Dr. Taylor asks.
''He knows better than to hold his breath waiting on an apology from me,'' I state.
''Well prove him wrong then. Be the better person, be the better man,''
I groan, rubbing my hand over my face.
''You sound exactly like Javier.'' I complain.
Dr. Taylor laughs, shaking his head.
''Hopefully more convincing though, because you should take my advice into consideration.'' He says.
''Why?'' I ask.
''Because I'm trying to help you help yourself. And it's really not that hard, all I need from you is effort. Go ahead and take some time to think about why you don't feel bad for hitting him, and then once you get that answer, think about why you should feel bad. Then take into consideration how he feels about the situation. You've told me that this isn't the first time that you've put your hands on him, think about that. Think about why you do it. Acknowledge that it's wrong. Accept the fact that just because he has forgiven you every time before doesn't mean he's obligated to forgive you now. Accept that, and then go apologize to him. Okay?'' Dr. Taylor asks.
And reluctantly, I nod in response.
''I'm right, you know I'm right,'' Dr. Taylor says smugly.
''Mhmm, I know,'' I say, ''But if he decides that he can't forgive me this time, if this is the one time that he can't accept me for who I am and he still wants nothing to do with me...what do I do then?''
• • • • •
As the bell chimes echo through the hall, signaling the end of lunch and the start of the final class period, I'm hesitant to even make my way from the cafeteria.
I'm not afraid to admit that Dr. Taylor is right, I'm afraid of the inevitable.
And the inevitable is me swallowing my pride and apologizing to Skylar just so that he can frown in my face and tell me to shove my apology and that he's done with me.
I'd rather keep pretending that he isn't done with me and that we're just on a very long, very cold, uncommunicative break from our friendship.
It's my fault.
All of it is.
I actually listened for once in my life and sat down to think about everything and I've come to the conclusion that I'm the worst type of person for anyone to have in their life.
But I'm hoping Skylar doesn't see me that way.
I'm hoping he sees me differently than I see myself. Because that's the only shot I have at him forgiving me.
The main reason I never feel bad for getting violent with Skylar is because he's never made me feel bad for it. He's never held me accountable for my actions against him and I'm trying to figure out if he did that for me, to protect me, or for himself, to stay in my orbit of toxicity.
But the other, much more disturbing reason is the fact that violence is normal to me.
It's my normal.
Being violent and rash and rough is all I've known for so long.
I've never felt the need to feel bad for it. Or even apologize.
Because no one's ever felt bad for putting their hands on me, or even dared to apologize for it.
And it's been embedded in my brain—my screwed up fucking brain, that that's okay.
But it's not okay.
It's wrong.
It's detrimentally fucked up.
No one deserves to endure even an ounce of the residual trauma that I drag around.
Especially not Skylar.
It's not okay to hit the people that you care about.
It's not okay to hurt them.
Or make them feel any bit of pain, psychical or mental.
And I can't even bring myself to imagine what he feels as he attempts to figure out why the hell I'm always so violent with him.
The confusion he must feel...the hatred he must harbor towards me.
And I don't know why his feelings are never on my mind.
I'm so fucking selfish, I never think of anyone but myself.
I'm just so used to being the only one thinking about me.
I'm used to being the only person who gives a fuck about myself, and it was easy for me to let Damien back in, to shield him from this shattered side of myself because he knows what it's like, he knows what I had to go through, he's felt the pain.
But with Skylar, I just didn't feel the need to protect him. He made me think he could handle it, convinced me he wasn't intimidated by my crazy.
And letting him be so comfortable with my flaws was my mistake. Not only should I have never subjected him to it, I should've never let him be okay with it.
I don't want him to be screwed up in the head like I am.
I don't want him to allow someone, anyone, even me to put their hands on him whether he cares about them or not.
He's right to distance himself from me.
He's right to call me out on the toxicity that fumes from me like radiation.
And he's right to steer clear of it.
And I'm wrong for wanting to drag him back into it all.
But I'm selfish.
I am. I can't help it.
I don't want to be alone, I can't.
And he's the only person I want in my company.
I'm not going to ever put my hands on him again. Or anyone for that matter.
Unless of course someone succeeds in pissing me off.
But if he's that someone—I won't do it; I won't even think of it.
I trudge along slowly, following the hoard of students down the hall. I come to a stop in front of the door of Mr. Kennedys calculus class.
I peek in through the window on the door, looking into the classroom and seeing Skylar seated in his usual seat in the back, his sister next to him in the seat that's usually reserved for me.
A chill runs down my spine as I see them laugh about something.
They're happy.
They're okay now, without me in their life, they're perfectly fine.
I just fuck shit up.
I almost fucked them up, almost ruined their entire relationship.
And over what?
My own god damn selfishness that's what.
This is why I'm alone.
''Are you joining the class today, Mr. Vitalé? Or do you plan on soaking up the knowledge from outside the door?'' Mr. Kennedy asks as he opens the classroom door, and my gaze is so fixated on Skylar that by the time I snap out of it and glance at Mr. Kennedy I look back to the class to see a majority of the kids eyeing me.
I see Skylar and Scarlet eyeing me.
Scarlet's grey blue eyes blazing with anger, and if looks could kill, she'd have put me eight feet under.
Skylar is looking at me with indifference in his deep blue eyes and as soon as our eyes meet he looks away, tapping his sisters shoulder to pull her attention away from me as well.
I shake my head, looking back to Mr. Kennedy.
''Not today,'' I say in response to his question.
I turn around, walking away from the classroom and towards the locker room.
I just need to let off some steam.
I need to get this chaotic feeling of pain that's engulfing me out.
I walk into the locker room, dropping my backpack down and heading over to my locker.
I enter the combination, opening it and pulling out my gym shorts and a muscle shirt. I change right there, stripping out of my jeans and shirt and tossing my varsity jacket to the side.
Heading back over to my backpack I take out my water bottle before walking out the exit door and towards the track field.
I take a sip of water, resting the bottle on the bleachers as I place my headphones over my ears, tucking my phone into my pocket and beginning to run.
I run for the remaining hour and thirty minutes of school, coming to a halt near the bleachers when I see students filling the parking lot on the way to their cars.
I take a couple of deep breaths before grabbing my water bottle and draining it of its contents.
I toss it into a trash bin as I head back into the building.
I don't bother changing back into my clothes and instead just stuff them into my back pack, I put my varsity jacket back on before slinging the bag over my shoulder, entering the halls of the school and following the crowd heading in the direction of the parking lot exit.
I push the doors open, exiting the building and walking towards my car.
Just as I go to pull the door open I see Skylar walking past. I grab my football from my bag, tossing it at him.
Not hard, but hard enough to hit him on his back and get his attention.
He turns around, looking at me with a raised brow.
To my surprise, instead of continuing to ignore me he picks the ball up and walks over to me.
''I hope you're not planning on winning the game tomorrow with a throw like that,'' He says, stopping just close enough so that he could toss the ball back to me.
''Wait,'' I say as he goes to walk away. I gesture towards my car. ''Get in loser, let's go talk about our feelings,'' I joke lightly.
Skylar looks around the now almost empty parking lot, his eyes hesitant.
''Cody you know my sister will murder me if she see's me talking to you. Imagine what she'd do if she found out I got in your car or hung out with you. You know I can't do that.'' He says seriously.
I take a deep breath, closing my eyes for a second before running my hand over my face.
Why is this so hard for me?
I know I'm in the wrong and I know he has every right to be so guarded towards me.
It just fucking hurts.
And I don't like it.
Not from him.
''Okay well everyone's pretty much gone,'' I say looking around the nearly empty parking lot minus like three other people. ''So can we—can we just talk?'' I ask him. ''Just for a minute?'' I plead.
Reluctantly, and after what I assume to had been a very long mental debate with himself, he nods his head, leaning against my car and gesturing for me to speak.
''Skylar I'm...I'm a horrible person—''
''Cody stop,'' Skylar says, cutting me off before I can continue, ''You're not a horrible person. You're just a broken person. And that's not your fault. But you hit me as though with every punch a missing piece of your puzzle falls out. And that's not okay.''
''I know, I know,''
''No, I don't feel like you do. I really don't. I feel like you're saying that you do so that I'll stick around. But I can't Cody. I have to be there for my sister. I have to. But your brother wants to be there for you, and you should really let him in.'' Skylar says.
I shake my head, getting pissed at the fact that he's not letting me get my words out and the fact that he's just coming to his own conclusions.
Which aren't fucking true.
''To be honest, when I asked if we could talk for a minute, I meant could I talk to you and you just shut up and listen.'' I say exasperated, and not at all worried about offending him.
Because he does need to shut the hell up and let me apologize to him.
Whether he wants to hear it or accept it or not.
I need to say it.
He scoffs, shaking his head and that familiar look of annoyance dances around in his blue eyes.
He can be annoyed with me though. I'm used to it. And it's much better than him hating me.
''At least you don't try to deny the fact that you're an asshole,'' He states, ''Go on, what do you need to say,''
''You're not my punching bag Skylar, and it was wrong of me to ever treat you like it. I had no right to put my hands on you. I've been...I've been thinking a lot about why I did it and my only conclusion is that I'm just in a fucked-up headspace. I want to get better, to be better than I am right now. And I feel like I am, at least a little bit. I feel like I'm taking steps in the right direction.
''I do feel bad about it. And I'm so fucking sorry. And I know you probably don't believe me because I never feel bad about anything. But I feel bad about this. I feel horrible. And I have been thinking about how you must feel, which succeeds in making me feel worse, rightfully so too. I deserve to feel like shit, and don't disagree with me about it,'' I add when he goes to speak, ''Breaking your nose wasn't right, and I know that nothing could ever justify it, I know that, but I'd still like to tell you about my frame of mind at the time, just in case you're asking your self why the fuck I did it in the first place. One reason is because clearly, I have a problem keeping my hands off of the people I care about. And by people, I mean you Skylar, it's only you. The other reason, the much more stupid reason that I'm almost too embarrassed to admit is that I was jealous and because I was jealous, I was pissed off as well.'' I reveal to him.
And again, I know nothing justifies what I did.
But he still deserves to know.
I don't want him wondering why.
I don't want him coming to the conclusion that it's because I hate him or something.
No.
No it's because I'm fucked up in the head, in denial about a lot of shit regarding him, and without boundaries when it comes to him.
And I know that's all an issue.
I have so many fucking issues.
''I don't understand. Jealous of what? The fact that I'm a better captain than you?'' He asks, as though this is any time for joking.
''No, you asshole. I was jealous because of what you've been doing,'' I admit.
''And what is it that I've been doing Cody?'' He taunts, the small smirk on his face and the clear understanding in his eyes letting me know that he knows exactly what the hell I'm referring too.
He just wants to hear me say it.
As though me saying it will make any difference.
But since he obviously wants to hear it so damn badly.
''You've been hooking up with other guys,'' I say, the frown hard to wipe from my lips, ''While we were fooling around,''' I add on.
''See you say that's what got you all riled up, but what I'm failing to understand is, if you're—as you put it in New York, 'just not that into me', then why the hell did it bother you so much?'' He demands. The righteous smirk he wears on his face only aiding in pissing me off.
''Oh c'mon! You knew the truth despite my constant denial!'' I argue. ''I'm into you, okay?!'' I yell at him. ''I'm into you Skylar, I just don't want to fucking be with you! But I still want you in my life. And I don't want you giving yourself to other people while you're giving yourself to me. And it pisses me off that you don't feel bad about doing that, and I know I sound selfish as hell but c'mon Skylar, you have to admit, you should feel bad about that.''
''No, I have nothing to feel bad about. I told you when we were in New York that I wasn't going to sit idly by and wait for you to accept your feelings. I said that to you and I was being honest. You were just too stubborn to accept or even acknowledge the fact that I was being serious.'' Skylar defends.
I scoff at him, rolling my eyes in disbelief.
He's got to be fucking kidding me.
All I want is for him to own up to the fact that it was pretty fucked up for him to be hiding from me that he was screwing other people while he professed his so-called love for me.
And he did hide it, because if not for Scarlet ranting about him I would've never fucking known.
I fold my arms across my chest, staring out into the empty parking lot as I shake my head.
What if I hadn't fought so hard to get back with Scarlet? What if I had given into his pleas of being with me?
Would he have told me about it then?
I doubt it.
''For whatever it's worth Cody, I do believe you feel remorse for what you did,'' He says after a while, his voice breaking through the silence that's engulfed us. ''But I don't forgive you,'' He finishes, shaking his head.
My heart sinks to my stomach, yet the speeding beat of it ringing in my ears is all that I can hear.
And as the anger and aggression and rage soak into me I try to shove it away.
To shove it all away.
And after a few moments of breathing deeply all I'm left with is pain.
Pain rakes through my body, every beat of my heart and every vein of gushing blood, escorting the agonizing pain all over my body and mind.
It's excruciating.
I'd rather be pissed.
I don't want to feel this.
I hate it.
But I can't—I can't just flash out because then I'll flash out on him and I can't do that.
So I let the pain suffocate me.
My eyes pooling with the salty liquid and my fists balled, I sniff feeling the snot attempting to run out of my nose.
Why the fuck am I crying?
''Skylar,—''
''Maybe after my nose heals, and my sister and I fully fix our relationship, maybe then we can talk about being in each other's lives again. But I just can't right now Cody. You need time for yourself, and I know it hurts like hell, but trust me it's what's best. Hurt people hurt people—''
''I fucking hate that saying,'' I blurt out, wiping the tears staining my cheeks. To no end though, because new ones simply pour from my eyes.
Skylar chuckles, the sound like a soft melody. I haven't heard it in weeks.
''I know you do, because it's true. And I know you don't want to hurt me. So I'm going to cut things off right here. Just understand that this gives you time to get the help you need, it gives you time to finally let your brother in, to let your walls down with Javier, to accept yourself, and what I'm counting on the most is that it gives us a fighting chance in the future.'' Skylar tells me.
I shake my head, wanting to dive head first into denial of everything he just said even though he's not wrong.
His hands comes to caress my cheek, stopping my head from shaking and making me look at his face.
He's not crying, unlike me, but I can see the pain in his eyes, the pain that's turned his bold blue eyes into a soft baby blue sea of sadness.
We're both drowning in sadness.
I just want to break through the surface already.
''Come here,'' He says, pulling me forward by my arm, and I take a step closer to him.
He leans in, his eyes closing and his lips draping themselves over mines gently. And I love the feeling it sparks in me.
The sense of loneliness and fear that leaves at his touch, the pain that immediately evaporates at simply his presence of being so close.
His hand circles the back of my neck, slowly raking up through my hair. I grab onto his jacket, using it to pull him closer to me but just as I go to let my tongue dive into his mouth, he takes a step back.
I watch as he licks his soft pink lips, his eyes flickering open to connect with mines.
He smiles, a small smile, a smile that exudes no happiness or joy.
A smile that I never wanted to see grace his face.
A smile that I know means goodbye.
A real goodbye.
And after pulling me in for a quick hug, he starts his stroll out of the parking lot.
I watch him, waiting patiently as he makes his way out of the school gates.
And then I turn around, releasing a tense breath from my lips, I drive my fist through the window of my car shattering the glass.
• • • • •
''...Think about why you do it. Acknowledge that it's wrong. Accept the fact that just because he has forgiven you every time before doesn't mean he's obligated to forgive you now. Accept that, and then go apologize to him. Okay?'' Dr. Taylor asks.
And reluctantly, I nod in response.
''I'm right, you know I'm right,'' Dr. Taylor says smugly.
''Mhmm, I know,'' I say, ''But if he decides that he can't forgive me this time, if this is the one time that he can't accept me for who I am and he still wants nothing to do with me...what do I do then?''
That would fucking break me.
It'd shatter whatever grip I still have on avoiding my calamity.
And I would hate myself for it.
He's my anchor.
And I need an anchor.
''Then you change,'' Dr. Taylor answers. ''You use all the rage and pain and abandonment that you'll feel from his decision and you focus it all into bettering yourself. There's no point in allowing yourself to spiral, Cody.''
''Yeah but there's also no point in working on myself if he decides to not be bothered with me anymore,'' I complain.
''Wrong,'' Dr. Taylor disagrees quickly. ''Do it for your brother, your father, and most importantly yourself.''
I look over at Dr. Taylor, the look in my green eyes strongly conveying the seriousness of my words as they leave my lips.
''I'm telling you now so that when I come back here I don't have to get the same damn disappointed talk from you about the progress I've been making, I'm letting you know that if he doesn't forgive me, I'm going to fucking break. And there's only so much of my mental left to break that this might actually be the last piece. I won't give a fuck about working on myself, or stopping the spiral that'll be soon to follow. I'll only care about sedating the pain with anger.''
''Cody—Cody wait!'' Dr. Taylor calls out, but I'm already walking out of his office door by the time the words leave his lips.
• • A/N• •
Omg it was just so hard to really get into Cody's head which is why this chapter took forever. #struggling
It came together well though, after forever lol.
Got a Chapter Survey ready for this chapter! Come tell me your thoughts/opinions! <3
Click the external link down below!
You may have to enter it into your browser if you're on the mobile app! :)
https://forms.gle/6MvXVwVkUS3RCgFM8
Please leave a comment and tell me what you think of the story!
Please Vote!
Posted: June 19, 2020.