TRIGGER WARNING: This chapter includes implications of suicide. Proceed with caution.
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I already published this chapter, but it got unpublished for some reason??
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One year ago - Wings Senior High
After carefully listening to the conversation Petra had secretly recorded on her phone, I knew the time had come. No more stalling, no more beating around the bush— the final expedition is coming and I had to settle this conflict with a certain raven haired man.
Without a second thought, I snatched my idly hanging jacket and messily put it on as I skimmed down the stairs of the dormitory building, making it to the front door in record timing.
The sky was blue with stray clouds floating around calmly; the wind blowing gently and the sun's rays giving just the right amount of warmth to my body. It was indeed a beautiful day.
But what was about to come next wasn't as pretty.
I stopped at the school's front gate, stilling in my position as my eyes met familiar steel-blue ones staring intensely at me from across the barren street. Levi's steps were long and slightly slow-paced, the complete opposite of my racing heart as I watched him cross the road and approach me.
With every stride he took, his hair swayed gently back and forth, and the occasional soft gush of wind blowing his raven locks to the side once in a while. He stopped a few feet away from me, his hands neatly tucked in the pockets of his coat and his expression heavily guarded as he silently stared at me.
It took nearly all I had to mantain the cold facade on my face as my mind, heart, body and soul were overwhelming with emotions, from anger to anxiety and fear.
At last, Levi spoke in a quiet tone. "I know you wish to say many things, but not here, (Y/N). Let's go to a more private place."
After a quick debate in my mind, I reluctantly nodded in agreement and wordlessly followed the raven deep into the woods behind the school's perimeter, his steps leading us to only one place I know of.
Levi's secret getaway.
He stopped a good distance away from the small stream and stood stilly with his back turned to me as he waited for me to catch up. It didn't take long for me to do so. My feet brought me right behind him, and after a few seconds, the raven finally turned around and faced me.
I let my emotions speak for themselves.
The sound of my hand making contact with his face echoed around us, a red mark quickly beginning to form on the raven haired man's face.
Levi's head was forcefully turned to the side from the impact, his face remaining stoic and void of any expression despite the growing scarlet specks on his cheek.
Even though the anger I held within me towards this person was enough to set this forest on fire, I felt the slightest twinge of guilt as I watched him blankly stare at the ground. I mentally shook my head; I wasn't going to show any remorse. Not until he finally gives me the explanation the owed so badly.
And I made sure he was aware.
"I hate you."
Levi finally let down the barrier and allowed his feelings to be seen; sorrow and immense guilt filling the depths of his eyes as he brought his own to meet my (e/c) ones. "...I know."
My eyes felt warmer and warmer as each second passes by, a warning of the upcoming tears this person continuously made me shed.
"Why?" I whispered out, keeping my words short and to the point to avoid triggering my fragile emotions.
Levi slowly shook his head, tearing his gaze away from mine as he avoided eye contact. "I let it get the better of me."
My silence let Levi continue.
"I didn't know what to do," he said, his voice noticeably cracking. "So I blindly followed his words without thinking how it would make you feel."
The raven clenched his jaw, a hand darting out to cover his eyes. "I was so desperate for a solution that I just did what he said."
Levi's voice cracked more and more as his mighty walls of emotional barrier began to tumble down, one by one. "It was such a stupid, selfish, ignorant and foolish thing for me to do! I-.. I have no hopes that you will forgive me but—"
He slowly removed the hand from his eyes and faced me directly, while carefully setting both his hands on my shoulders, granting me the permission to see something I believe he'd kept fiercely from the world and all its inhabitants: his vulnerable side.
A silent gasp escaped me once I noticed his usually cold and mocking steel blue eyes clouded and swirling with emotions I've never seen before, tears falling down in steady drips. Levi's hands were trembling on my shoulders, I noticed, when he tightened his grip by the slightest.
He bowed his head, breaking eye contact as he shakily whispered to me, "I am so sorry..! I'm sorry, I'm so sorry! I'm sorry, (Y/N)! I'm sorry for ignoring you! I'm sorry for blocking you! I'm so sorry for... unfairly pushing you out of my life! I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry!"
My mind was in turmoil. I had expected my heart to be broken differently. There was no doubt that even after listening to Levi's conversation with Kenny, a part of me still thought and firmly believed that the way Levi would "apologize" was by merely giving an explanation while bearing ice cold eyes and a stoic face.
I did not, however, prepare myself to have to stand here and watch one of the most proudest — and emotionally closed off — person I've ever met in my life sob and weep his eyes out while repeatedly crying out sorry. And for that reason alone, my own tears slipped down and out my face, completely disregarding my will.
I was torn apart. What should I do? Should I forgive him now and tell him it's okay? I can't stand seeing him so hurt like this.
But... your actions hurt me so much as well. Would it be fair upon myself to ignore my own pain and suffering so yours could end quicker? Would I be selfish I didn't do that? But doesn't that make you selfish for doing all those things to me?
I thought too long.
Levi sniffed once, and continued in a small and pathetic voice. "I... understand if you could never forgive me. I only want you to know... that I am sorry, and I regret everything I've done."
I knew that was impossible. As much as I hate to admit it, I could never not forgive you, Levi.
But I didn't want him to know just yet.
I briefly closed my eyes to stop the tears coming down, inhaling deeply as I forced to speak out in the steadiest tone I could muster up. "Levi... I heard the recording."
"....I know."
"You said something.... that I didn't understand."
Levi remained silent, his head still held low as I continued. "You said to Kenny, even after he stayed away from the person he loved, it still managed to get to him."
There was a noticeable delay in his response that only further triggered my suspicions and curiosity. "Yes, I did."
"What did you mean by 'it'?"
Levi stiffened, his hands slowly sliding off of my shoulders and returning to his side. My eyes followed his actions like a hawk, watching as he then tightly clenched his fists and shook his head firmly, once.
"I can't tell you."
I frowned. "Why?"
Levi shut his eyes and shook his head again, his face scrunching in distress. "I can't, (Y/N). I can't."
"Levi please," I persisted. "Clearly whatever this 'it' is has affected you as well. I want to know what this thing is. What and why it made you so desperate that you would do all this."
The raven stared at me despairingly, clearly unsure and conflicted of what to do.
"Tell me, Levi. Please, tell me. Tell me so that I can forgive you!"
Levi's eyes widened upon hearing the word 'forgive' and his mouth slightly parted, only to close it again after a few seconds.
"Please." My voice fell down to a mere whisper, the desperation now undoubtedly audible in my words. "Tell me. Please, just—"
"NIGHTMARE!" He abruptly shouted, a look of regret — and the slightest bit of fear — taking over all his features immediately.
I sat on the bed while staring blankly at the sheets with my mouth opened, disbelief filling the entirety of my mind. My hand grasped my head as the pain of a sudden headache struck me out of nowhere.
"This must be a cruel joke," I half heartedly laughed out.
"(Y/N)...?"
"You were joking just now, right Annie?" Pain stabbed my head again. This time, it was worse than before, because to add to my misery was a tide of unimaginable guilt and regret that was rising quickly from the pits of my stomach. "That thing isn't actually called Nightmare. That's just what you call it. Something you made up, right??"
The blonde girl was stuck in an awful position, unsure of what to say or do to help diffuse the situation. She gulped, nervously denying (Y/N)'s claims. "No, (Y/N).... all werewolves call it that."
"All of them?" I repeated with burning eyes.
Annie nodded. "All of them."
"Even..." I paused, swallowing down the first few splashes of the fully formed wave that was towering over me. "Even Levi?"
"Yes..." the blonde girl confirmed slowly. "Even Levi."
Another sharp pain struck the insides of my skull, followed by the wave crashing down on me at full speed, drowning me in its cold and murky waters, choking me with one thousand emotions at once.
I managed to fight back a sob of pain and guilt gnawing within me, but failed to stop the tears from falling down again.
"(Y-Y/N)! Ar-....."
Annie's voice became muted to my ears as the waves dragged my down deeper into its dark pits, the light in my vision swiftly diminishing.
I'm so stupid. I'm such an idiot. Here I was blaming everyone else for everything when the cause of all this was none other than myself.
Levi had told me; he tried to warn me. He pushed me away so he could prevent all this from happening, even though it was clearly just as painful for him to do so. And what did I do in return?
Sulk around. Complain. Treat him like absolute shit when he was trying so desperately to protect me.
"All I know is that, whenever you're close to me, something horrible always happens to you."
In all my life, I have never felt so ashamed and disappointed with myself like this. This was all my fault. My own fault. Everything happened because of me.
That's right, because of you.
I sunk deeper and deeper, my eyes stinging from the water, lungs burning for some air. My body was paralyzed; I couldn't move.
If I hadn't been so stupid, none of this would've happened. If I had just listened to Levi that day, I wouldn't be here right now. If I had never went to confront him that day, we would've never gotten back together. Our fate wouldn't have been sealed. Levi would have never lost control. Petra would have been safe. Mikasa wouldn't have been injured until near death. Erwin would-
I halted my rambling thoughts, the picture of Erwin standing in an open field returning to my mind. But suddenly, the blonde figure vanished and the peace and serenity was torn apart as static plagued my vision, incoherent screaming and pleading deafening my ears. The sky was cloudy and grey; the grass and flowers dead. Lightning flashed and thunder crackled above me as small droplets of... red rain began to fall. No, this wasn't water. It was raining blood.
I looked down, shocked to see Erwin's cold and wounded body splayed out at my feet, oozing with blood, his lifeless eyes boring into my soul. The stench of the metallic liquid and decaying carcass filled my nostrils, making me gag. I brought my hands to cover my nose and mouth, but stopped halfway when I saw that they were both heavily drenched with dark, thick crimson blood, and that one of them was holding a knife, dripping with the same nauseating liquid.
I was covered in blood, standing above the pale corpse of Erwin with a bloody blade in my hand.
Do you see that?
I looked down at Erwin's body, my eyes traveling over his chest, at the multiple gaping stab wounds flooding with blood.
You did that.
I... did this...?
You killed him.
The knife nearly slipped from my trembling hand as fear, guilt, sadness, regret and so much more formed into a dark shadow that trapped me and blocked out all my senses. I... killed... him.
You've murdered your own friend. Now, you must pay the price. Do you know what you should do to pay for your crimes?
I felt suffocated, my mouth wide open as I tried to gasp in some air, but to avail. Tears welled up in my eyes as I felt myself choking and panting for the smallest amount of oxygen. No, I don't. Help me, please help me! I can't breath-
I can tell you the answer, young one. It's simple. Just do... this-
The thick shadows somehow guided my hand that was weakly holding the silver blade so that it was pointed directly at my chest.
-and it'll all be over.
My mind was fuzzy and my body felt heavy. Thinking became impossible when I felt my head crashing down and caving in on itself. Like a slave with no control, I mindlessly obeyed, straightening my arm until it reached its limit.
This is what you must do.
The shadows assisted my hand in keeping a firm grip on the knife when I no longer had the strength to do so. The screams got louder, the whispers invading every inch of my empty mind as a high pitched ring began to drown out everything else.
Ready? On the count of three-
The blade glistened red, the tip aimed directly at the left side of my chest, ready to strike down and end my already weakened heart.
One.
Two.
Thr-
"(Y/N)!"
A fist connected with the side of my face, the pain forcefully pulling me out of the fierce waters and back into the real world. A painful grunt escaped me as my head slammed onto the wall behind me. I winced, blinking open my eyes and cupping my stinging cheek.
Annie rushed over to me side, warily placing a hand on my shoulder. "I'm sorry, was it too harsh? You were- I didn't know what else to do."
Despite half of my face being numb with immense pain, I shook my head, relieved that I had broken free from that dark place. "No, thank you," I rasped out, ignoring the pain that came with me talking. "Thanks... for dragging me out of there."
Annie looked at my face worriedly. "I-.. Do you want an ice pack? That's probably going to leave a bruise..."
I gave a small nod, not paying attention too much as I relished the feeling of being able to take a deep breath. The blonde girl came sprinting back with an ice pack covered with a small towel. "Here, use this."
I showed my gratitude with a brief nod after realizing that it hurt too much to be able to speak at the moment. The ice pack helped; the coldness successfully numbing out the worst of the pain.
"(Y/N)... try to just think of happy thoughts, okay? Just don't think about anything bad or sad or anything like that. I should've been more careful when talking about Ni-... it... to someone who doesn't know anything about it. Sorry."
"It's not your fault," I replied briskly, my words sounding mumbled.
After hearing Annie's explanation about this unknown whisper, I knew immediately that I have experienced having this thing try and take control of me. But this was worst one I've had up until this point.
All this time, there was just a whisper that kept offering me all the things I wanted but were kept away from me. I thought it would just remain as a menacing voice that spewed bullshit. Annie even explained it the same way.
But this time, it wasn't just a voice. I saw and heard other things, and felt actual physical pain during it all. It wasn't even convincing me anymore, it was basically torturing me until I couldn't do anything anymore. This time, I had absolutely no control.
"(..-/N)."
Then is that what Levi went through? He said he would see me getting tortured over and over again. Was what he went through similar to what I experienced just now?
"D-..t thi..k ..out..e.. ga.. tiv.... ings."
I only went through it once, at least for now. But Levi said it like he had gone through it a hundred thousand times.
"(Y/-.)."
Levi himself is a person with great self control over his mind and emotions. He doesn't buckle that easily.
"I ki.. you ...ot-"
The only possible reason to why he lost control would be because he'd experienced too many times-
"He turns himself into a pickle."
My mind halted and my mouth dropped open painfully as I glanced up to see Annie, silently gazing at me with a small, crooked smile.
"I'm sorry... what?"
Annie's grin widened. "He calls himself 'Pickle Rick'."
The randomness and absolute absurdity of Annie's words was so bad that it left me wordlessly staring at her in utter confusion. "What??"
The blonde girl stifled a laugh, lightly slapping her knee. "Funniest shit I've ever seen."
Here I was, half of my face numb from ice, frowning in confusion as I watched my friend — who had always been known to be cold and emotionless — double over in her seat while shaking with laughter. "Wubba-lubba-dub-dub! BWAHAHAHAH—!"
Needless to say, I have no words to offer in this obscure situation. After a good minute, Annie stopped laughing hysterically and wiped a tear from her eye. I couldn't tell if that was a real tear or nah, but I'm going to go out on a limb and say it was.
"Oh (Y/N), I already told you not to think about negative stuff."
I shrugged. "Well, I'm not anymore. Care to explain why you went mental just now?"
"I didn't go insane," Annie scoffed jokingly. "You just have a lot of catching up to do. trust me."
I looked at her skeptically, to which she responded by snatching out her phone and quickly saying, "Here, watch the clip. I swear you'll be laughing your ass off— ah wait, you should just binge watch the entire series."
"I- uh.."
"You won't regret it, I promise. We'll watch the entire thing together," Annie babbled out like an excited child that had just laid their eyes on an ice cream truck.
I flashed a nervous smile. "That sounds... great, but I think I should prioritize learning how to live as a werewolf—"
"Fuck that!" Annie exclaimed, rolling her eyes dramatically. She leaned forward, strands of her golden locks falling over her face, one hand holding her phone and the other pointing to it. "This is way more impor—"
Annie's phone buzzed and lit up, her ringtone going off as someone called her number. "Who the hell...?"
She quickly scanned the name of the caller, the previously lively expression draining from her face.
"Who is it?" I asked in a quiet tone, silently surprised by her sudden change in mood.
Annie sighed and furrowed her eyebrows. "It's Levi."
"Oh." I was not expecting that. "Are you going to take it?"
She nodded. "Yeah. He gets so pissed off when I don't. Do you want me to stay or should I go out...?"
That nervousness from before when I asked Annie to lie to Levi and tell him that I was resting had returned as soon as she told me the caller's name. But the uneasiness swirling at the bottom of my stomach wasn't enough to combat my curiosity. "It's fine. You can stay here."
Given the confirmation, Annie answered the call and placed the phone by her ear, starting the conversation with an annoyed huff. "I thought I said I'd be the one to call you, Levi."
The blonde girl slightly leaned in my direction, allowing me to faintly hear Levi's reply. ".... I couldn't help it. The wait was killing me."
"Right, whatever. Isn't it midnight over there?"
"No. It's nearly 4 am."
"And you haven't been sleeping at all, have you?"
I frowned. Not sleeping at all?
"I can't. But never mind that, is (Y/N) awake yet? It's been a few hours..."
Annie gave me a questioning glance, holding off her answer until I could give her my own. It's true that I'm nervous, but that's no reason for me to avoid talking to Levi. Also, it sounded like he was rather desperate to talk to me, and the guilt I felt from it successfully pushed back everything else.
I gave a firm nod.
Annie gave her delayed answer. "Yes."
"....Can I talk to her?"
The blonde girl looked at me once again. I nodded and she passed me the phone after saying a quick 'yes' to the person at the other end of the line.
I felt giddy and anxious as I took the phone from her hand, slowly bringing it to my ear. Since I was too scared to speak first, I decided to just remain silent until Levi said something.
And he did, not long after.
"(Y/N)?"
I took a deep breath, shyly replying in a low voice. "Hi. It's... been a while."
Annie waved her hand, gesturing that she was going to give us some privacy and go wait outside. I merely nodded, barely able to concentrate.
My body tensed; my mind frantic as I began to wonder what he was thinking, what he was going to say, what he thought of me and so on. Levi's silence afterwards only added fuel to my ever-growing anxiousness, and after a solid minute of absolute silence, I couldn't hold back anymore.
"Levi? Are you there?"
His silence was broken by the sound of someone shakily taking in a breath, followed by a faint sound that sounded to me like a whimper.
"Levi?"
"J-just keep talking. I want to hear your voice...."
Levi's voice was weak and barely above a whisper. Somehow, hearing his pitiful reply made my heartbreak a little. He sounded sad and desperate... is this what he was feeling all this time?
I'm here now, Levi, I'm back. So stop sounding so depressed.
"That sounds like something a pervert would say," I joked, hoping to enlighten him, even if it's just a bit.
Levi took a while to answer, but when he did, I felt a smile tug my lips. "Are you trying to say something, (L/N)?"
"Oh, I don't know." I smiled in happiness and relief when I heard that familiar cold and mocking tone of his. "Why don't you use that big brain of yours to figure it out?"
"I think not."
"Why?"
"It's a waste of my time."
I scoffed. "You're literally doing nothing."
"How bold of you to assume so." Levi matched my teasing tone. "I could be cooking or cleaning or reading a book right now."
"Hah, please. You? Cook?"
Levi lowly chuckled briefly, catching me off guard by how smooth and deep it sounded. "Don't underestimate me, (Y/N). I'm Levi-fucking-Ackerman. I can do anything and everything I want."
"I can smell your bullshit from here," I retorted lightly, ignoring the shivers from my spine. "Anyways, you're not cooking because there's no background noise and you're definitely not cleaning. You wouldn't be calling Annie if you were."
Levi hummed in response, and my ears felt like they were in heaven. No words can express how much I've missed hearing his voice after months upon months of being isolated in that black void. Whatever nervousness I felt from before was long gone, now replaced by the warm feeling of familiarity and a sense of comfort only he can give.
"And... you're also not reading a book either." I finished, the smile stuck on my lips.
"How would you know?"
"Because I said so," I replied smugly, laying my body back down on the bed and staring blankly at the roof.
"Fine," Levi admitted. "I wasn't doing any of those things. But I am doing something I can't live without."
"Breathing." I stated the obvious.
"True, but not exactly what I had in mind."
"Then what? Giving your heart encouraging words so that it doesn't stop beating?"
Levi clicked his tongue loudly. "No, dumbass. It's talking with you."
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I'M PICKLE RICK.
Dead meme but I'm still going to use it and no one can stop me, hehe ヾ(〃^∇^)ﾉ
....yeah sorry i wrote this chapter while being half-asleep in the middle of the night lol