To,
Yoo Kihyun,
Kihyun ah ......do you know I like you, I can say this thousands of times but afraid to say it in front of you..... sigh*
Still....
As am talking to you like this through letters, I feel comfortable, I can express what really inside my mind, without worrying.
This will be last later to you, cause I already figured out meaning behind my feelings for you.
Now I have a big problem, what should I do?, should I confess, so that I don't have to hide anymore, then will you accept me?ha I think its impossible Or reject me?
After confession will you get stressed because you don't know how to reject me?
Will it affect you,? Your performance? Will this affect our team?
Or should I keep those feelings to myself, to not to burden you, to maintain piece in monsta x.
I don't
know.....
This kind of many questions keeps on rotating in my mind. I'm getting stressed.
After giving it some thought.....
Really ....I thought about it a lot,
I don't want to lose you, nor I want our team to fell apart.
No matter how much I want to be close, near you, kiss you, hug you, I will endure....
For the time being, I'll just deal with my feelings, I will just wait until we become close enough, that even if I confess you will not push me away, but understand me and continue to be my friend in future.
........
Hmm...oh first thing
Past days, I think you are not avoiding me anymore, thanks for that, ..., just that sometime I think you are being shy around me? I'm I right? ... oh Kihyun's not here whom I'm asking haha
But I'm I really correct? If I'm then it's like I have a hope
Hmm...do I stand a chance?
No no ... maybe I'm getting carried away, maybe I'm misunderstanding?
Anyway at least you don't have that 'I'll kill you' look on your face when you talk to me. I feel good.
Second thing, ...do you know?
Not so long ago,
I asked for Minhyuk's help,....for what?
Of course about you, since you are close to Minhyuk, I wanted know why you were so mad at me back then,...
Remember? before you used to pick on me every time in fan meeting, you used to avoid me at home, it hurted me.... ah it was hard time.....
Oh!! I was also at fault I think,,,,but are not we always like that?
Back to topic...so I asked him,
But soon I realized .....its not quite good to ask for help in these kind of matter.....afterall these are my feelings, my love, I like you....it should only involved me and you.....I should believe in me more....
I shouldn't involved others for help, after all its me who have to face everything. I should be strong enough to love someone.
And like I was going to tell him that I don't want his help, he came to me and said he already asked you,
That time I realized, ahh how slow I am.
Even though I want to find about you by myself, on my strength, I still don't want to lose any chance, so I listen to him.
He just said 'everything is normal and Kihyun is not mad at you, it is only you who thinks that'
*sigh.......the well I know you until now... I can tell when you are angry or mad, I'm sure back then something was definitely going on with you, or maybe me.
Or Minhyuk lied to me?...... not sure but he can switch sides, now I don't trust him.
One minute.....or is it you told him everything that only I'm unaware? And told him to keep his mouth shut? Hmm?
Am I right?......did I guess right?......
So what did you tell him?.....
Am doing this again, it's only letter, it's not like yoo kihyun will just pop out from letter only to answer my ridiculous question....sigh
Anyway, after that I told him, that if I want to win you I will do it on my own, I clearly told him not to help me...
You want to ask 'what Minhyuk said?'
So he said, "aigo, our Hyungwon's all grown up, he didn't even need anyone to help him" Minhyuk was definitely said in teasing tone.
Not sure he will listen or not.
For my feelings....for myself...I really like to talk to you in person like these letters, for now even though I said it will be last letter, ....to tell you the truth I still want to write letters to you, , even if you can't read them, even if you never read them,....
These letters kinda helps me to maintain balance in my mind, or I don't know how long I have to bottom up my feelings, they help me to know how much I love you, how I exactly want our relationship is, what if in future, someday you won't talk to me, will I still write these letters? ...
But really I don't want to stop.
GOOD NIGHT!!! I'll write again. ?.
From
Chae Hyungwon
----------
LETTER:
To, Kihyun
Do you know love is not easy...just how did I fellcin love?
I will to tell you how I figured my feelings,
of course
It was not easy to figure out confusing feelings, I were so confused,
And you are a boy....
I used to thought 'I definitely liked girls, back in high school and before debut too, so what happened suddenly.... I questioned how did I started to like a boy out of nowhere?
I was in mess, I even thought that you put some black magic on me to get revenge ....but ...deep down.I knew you are not just that kind of person....Even if we fought over little matter....you are not bad person.
Still everyday I could only think of you....it was kind of weird yet warm feeling.....everyday every time,
When I could not take it anymore, I decided change atmosphere
I even went for short break to go away from my thoughts, after I got permission. It was not easy to get permission.
I went to visit my home, my parents hoping to het rid of your thoughts.....to my surprise....i started missing you, as soon as I reach my home, I could only think about you.
Even when I went clubbing with my hometown friends, I could not enjoy..... many girls their tried to flirt with me, they all were beautiful, but my mind didn't move, I was surprised by myself.,,, whole day my mind was elsewhere, I felt empty, even though I was surrounded by many people, friends.
Since you was not there, I felt that ' some part of me I forgot to bring with me'.
Next day...
when my mom woke me up in morning, I could not believe I said 'Kihyun let me sleep for five minutes'.
My mother was surprised.
It was a short break, but all whole break instead of calming down my thoughts, I keep thinking about you, your face would pop in my head out of nowhere, I was truly missing you, that I regret going on break.
After we change dorms, you change rooms, making me miss you more, I used to see you every night before I sleep, your berth was in my line, you probably don't know....
Its true you only know the value of someone when they go away.
Being away from you I realized my feelings, that I love you, even you are a boy, even if you are alien, it doesn't matter to me...
You are like an important part of my life, even sometime I found you annoying, I still need you to be there in future, even if you don't like me back, even if we fight, I still want to continue being friends with you.
I'm talking a lot today right?
Minhyuk found it weird, why do I like you, he asked.
Reasons are too many, if I started to write them here, the whole diary will fill, I think one diary would not be enough.
If I started talking, this night and days would not be enough..
Even though you have few habits I don't like, sometimes you seems annoying, but next second I find it adorable,
Even though, I don't know how, you always find a reason to diss me, to pick fight with,me,.. but strangly I don't hate it, in fact I need those little fight of us in my life.
I like it when you get all shy and hide behind me, like I'm your shield. When you hold my hand, when you laugh.
When you get all sensitive, over tiny matter, when you act like child, when you show off.
When you perform on stage, your voice, the wrinkles on your nose when you sing high notes.... I want sing with only you some day.
When you engrossed in work, you won't sleep until you complete it, how you can't stand mess and clean it even if you are tired. I'm sorry, I'll try not to make mess in future.
I wish you too stop making me embarrassed in front of monbebe, you know I can't do aegyos.
Hope you will understand me.
I wish I could be more brave, I wish a day will come when I don't have to pick fight to get your attention, and we would talk normally ....
See you tomorrow, kihyun
Yours ?? Aniya
From
Chae Hyungwon
{Sorry for boring chapter}