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AshuX
***
"I am what?" Kang Joon asked, taken aback and clearly hurt.
I repeated, "Drunk."
"Drunk?" He stared at his hands, "I must be."
I got up with a screech of the tables, causing So Mi and Ah Rin to wake up from their little nap. They looked lost for a few moments but then followed my steps after saying their greetings to Kang Joon.
I didn't know how to react to a confession like that. Especially from someone like Nam Kang Joon. I rejected him in that way because I'm not ready. I'm not ready to move on from Chance no matter how much I want to. I can't reciprocate my love for Kang Joon.
I regretted rejecting him like that, he must've put every bit of pride aside to confess to a friend. I shouldn't have said that he was drunk. It was harsh for anyone. I wanted to back and apologise but then no matter how much I butter the knife, it will still cut.
Would things have been different if I had rejected Chance this way? Because we were good friends for about four years, I could've remained just a friend and could've avoided all the tears I wasted for him. Things would've been different and it wouldn't have hurt me the way it did.
The saddest thing with any moment in life is considering a what if. A what if after a moment is a regret. I didn't want to regret letting go someone as cute as Chance. But now I regret ever holding him closer to my heart, I didn't know he would break it. I wanted to believe that my heart isn't broken, I wanted to blame myself for being reckless. I couldn't bring myself to blame it on Chance. Because my breakup never hurt me, his change of heart for me did.
Was it just like buying a cute dress, wearing it only to realise that I wasted my money because it doesn't look as great on my body? Was I just a T-shirt that he grew out of?
I sent Ah Rin and So Mi in taxis to their homes. They were too sleepy so I had to call So Mi's brother to make sure they reach home well. I couldn't take them home because I knew that I wouldn't be going home.
I walked to the park where I was this evening. The night is blooming with a beautiful moon on the sky. But I couldn't feel the beauty of the moon, I rather felt the darkness of the sky which was swallowing the night.
I didn't know why I rejected Kang Joon I knew for so long over memories I needed to wash away. I didn't mean to hurt him. But the way Chance slurred that he missed me still rung in my ears.
I'm too old to be feeling like a teenager again. I couldn't afford to stay that way when I'm soon to be starting a life on my own. My life isn't a Korean drama, I wasn't promised a beautiful love story. Maybe I'm a second lead but then who could be the first female lead that took my place? How can Chance replace me as if I meant nothing to him if he had no one?
The next day, I tried to brush the thoughts away from my hair from my head. I still couldn't forget how hurt Kang Joon looked. I couldn't look him in the eye. He didn't look me at all as I walked away. He wasn't used to being walked away, it must've hurt his pride and ego. But then it was a choice of the heart. Like Selena Gomez said, the heart always wants what it wants.
A few days flew by as my friends tried to set me up with guys from our highschool and college. They always mentioned one guy or another. Them being shocked is an understatement when I said I rejected Kang Joon. Ah Rin whined that I could've at least come up with a better excuse. But then no matter what the excuse is, it hurts.
May calmed me down and Mitch said that he wouldn't mention that night again. I was thankful that he didn't and kept his promise.
I wasn't just mad at Chance, I realised it as the days passed by. I was mad at everyone who couldn't just search for what they want instead of playing with people's hearts. Because it hurts a lot when one day you wake up and realise you meant nothing to him.
But then all that matters is how much you love yourself to decide how miserable you're going to be. I'm pathetic enough to hold onto the guy I let go willingly.
I need to be catching on by letting go. And I will be, but slowly. I don't want to rush things and force them. I don't want my partner to feel like they mean nothing to me. I want to be able to cherish another person and be able to make new memories.
Days kept rushing by and March was already peaking into my calendar. I saw Chance's glimpses of him walking by Mitch's room. Mitch and May thought it would be better if we don't videocall for a few days but I insisted. I held onto the words dad said that night, I have to look him in the eye and feel he isn't the one.
Ah Rin and So Mi kept recommending me a few interior designing jobs but I didn't get myself to work. I decided on taking a break after confirming that my parents want me to rest. Dad filled in mom about my situation with Chance. Mom gave me her share of tips on moving on.
I decided to grow my hair long because I had it to shoulder's length when I was with Chance. I went shopping with my friends and bought many new clothes. Ji Hun was studying for his senior year exams. I helped him with topics I was confident about.
I was out with my friends on a sunny morning. They wanted to meet for lunch so we were in a nice restaurant near So Mi's house. So Mi, unlike both of us, is rich. She had a house in the better part of the town where the chaebols (rich people) lived.
She pointed out many houses of a few celebrities, models. She even showed us how Kang Joon moved out of his parent's house and bought himself a nice mansion here. I was kind of jealous on how well he was living. I could've lived like that if I just focused well on my life. I was too busy living in a fairytale and when it ended, I didn't know how to face reality.
Ah Rin waa a fashion designer who was trying to reach new heights of the world. Instead of moving to Seoul or near So Mi's house, she decided to buy a house in the outskirts of the town. She lived a rather peaceful life, not chasing after fame.
So Mi is a web cartoonist trying to give her best into making good comics. She was earning well, her comics are rather popular.
Everyone were running and maintaining a good pace with life unlike me. I felt lost, I wasn't good at anything. I didn't know how to cope up with my friends. I've always wanted to become a good interior designer, the plans went downhill lately. I need to pick my pace up, not for fame or money but because it's my dream.
The restaurant we went to was a nice place, cute and small. So Mi said they cook the best food around here. Ah Rin agreed with So Mi saying that this place is indeed a very good one. It was opened recently and was running well. It's been only five years but everything felt different the more I spend time in my hometown.
"Let's take a selfie," Ah Rin fished her phone out of her handbag.
I smiled at the picture as So Mi pouted. Ah Rin was posing naturally and the picture came very well. We squealed over how nice the apps like snapchat and Instagram are in the terms of filters. When I was leaving Korea, skype and Kakaotalk were famous. Now everything is westernized.
A waitress came to take our orders. I shrugged and said Ah Rin to order anything. So Mi smiled at the waitress, "I'll have the black bean noodles."
Chance hated black bean noodles, I remembered. I need to forget what he likes and what he doesn't. I have to move on and focus on not sulking over an ex like a teenager. I sounded so lovestruck and heartbroken, it made me scoff mentally.
Ah Rin flipped through the menu, "I'll have today's special. And for her, it's buckwheat noodles."
"What's today's special?" I asked as the waitress left.
She grinned, "Sweet and sour pork ribs."
"Feels like I never left Korea," I snickered. No matter what changed, Ah Rin's love for sweet and sour pork ribs remained. I didn't know how she never gets tired of eating the same thing every time we go out to eat.
"It tires me out knowing that she never gets tired of it," So Mi made a face.
Ah Rin scoffed, "I'm just loyal to my pork."
"No wonder, pigs love pigs," I snickered at So Mi's words. Ah Rin glared at her playfully before laughing out aloud. We three ended up laughing like crazy people that we are in the middle of the restaurant.
Ah Rin sighed dreamily, "I want my future husband to be as wonderful as pork ribs."
"Why am I even surprised at that comparison?" I asked.
"Leave it to Ah Rin to love food more than humans. No wonder she's single!" So Mi shook her head disapprovingly.
Ah Rin rolled her eyes, "Just because you're thin doesn't say you eat less. You eat all of the combined we eat alone, you pig!"
"You love pigs," So Mi batted her lashes at her flirtily.
I wiggled my brows, "I didn't know you both had that kind of relationship!"
Ah Rin choked on the water she was drinking and So Mi made puking noices. "She's not my type."
"You're not my type either, I have standards higher than your pay." Ah Rin said after she stopped choking.
So Mi frowned, "Standards? What standards? I thought the only heights you knew are because of your heels."
"Oh come on, stop bickering like we are still teens," I laughed at their exchange.
"We are forever young," Ah Rin grinned then glanced at So Mi, "excluding that old woman."
"I look younger-"
"Thinner," I coughed.
"You both are siding again?"
"We love," Ah Rin started.
I completed her sentence, "Torturing you."
"Assholes." So Mi grumbled to herself but loud enough for us to hear.
Ah Rin winked, "Or more like booty babes."
I gave Ah Rin a look, "What the hell?"
"Better than being called assholes,"
"No!" So Mi and I said in unison.
I fake shuddered, "And it sounded weirder than anything."
Soon our food came. When I started eating the buckwheat noodles, I almost moaned in pleasure because of the taste. Whoever made these noodles deserved a raise in the pay and a spot in heaven. I enjoyed every bit of it.
"Didn't I say the food here is the best?" So Mi squealed.
"See? She loves food more than she loves her boyfriend. Poor him," Ah Rin taunted.
I nodded, "The food is indeed good, really good. I think whoever made my noodles deserves a place in heaven."
"Thank you," A voice startled all of us. There stood a young chef smiling proudly. "I'm glad you liked the food."
"You made the buckwheat noodles?" I asked.
He nodded, "Yes, I made that and sweet and sour pork ribs."
"The food is wonderful!" Ah Rin gave a thumbsup.
He grinned at her, "Thank you." He soon left our table as he went to check how the others are enjoying the food, taking notes on how to make himself better. I know that because I noticed him scribbling something into a book.
I leaned over and mumbled, "Marry him, there's no better choice for you."
So Mi giggled hearing my words as Ah Rin blushed. "A man who is good at cooking is a dream come true."
"Trust me, I'd know. Chance doesn't know how to cook to save his life." I said as I remembered how stupid Chance is with kitchen. He is hopeless with cooking.
Ah Rin smiled softly, "You seem to be catching on by letting go of things slowly."
"She is indeed moving on, baby steps, love." So Mi patted my cheek.
I smiled. It seemed to be the situation considering how talking about Chance doesn't bring tears in my eyes anymore. I think I began to accept the reality of us finally. It took me enough time, I'm still not moved on completely. Like So Mi said, baby steps. I'm finally catching on by letting go, letting go of my past that I was really fond of.