I watched as Arthit played around the food with his fork. Pushing the peas to the edge of the plate before moving it back to the center to pile them up and repeating the process once more. Not one morsel making its way to his mouth the entire time we sat across from each at the restaurant in tensed silence.
All the while I kept trying to ignore the throbbing pain in my eye after two rather passionate punches as I pondered on how to launch into a conversation that started with Arthit telling me himself that he liked me and hopefully ended with him lying under me on my bed. Words flitting to the tip of my tongue before evaporating over and over again as I wondered how does one segue from apologizing to extracting a confession. Atleast he had agreed to have a meal with me, so there was some hope, right? Right.
Hence mustering all my courage, words I have never ever thought I would need to use when talking to my supposed escort, I opened my mouth, when he suddenly snapped his head up. Eyes shooting lasers at me. His lips set in a grim line before he visibly snarled at me.
"I didn't sleep with Zayn."
"Arthit..."
"How could you even think I did."
"I..."
"I already told you I wouldn't, didn't I. How could you not trust me?"
"Listen Arthit, after that day at the nightclub..."
"I was stupid ok? It was stupid. I wasn't thinking that day. It was just that he offered to...to...never mind. Couldn't you just believe me? You even went ahead and followed me."
"What the hell was I supposed to do? We have the most spectacular weekend together and then you go and randomly talk about breaking or pausing or whatever the crap with the contract. You wouldn't even tell me what the fuck was going on. And then you go and say there is no difference between me and that jackass. What exactly did you expect my reaction to be?"
Wait, wait, wait. What the hell was I doing? Why was I yelling at him?
"Fine. I'm sorry I compared him to you. That was dumb. I accept it alright. But the only reason I asked to pause that stupid contract was cause I know how insanely jealous Zayn gets and I didn't want him making things more complicated if he found out about you."
"Oh but you are just fine with my insane jealousy?"
Was I even in control of my mouth anymore? Why the fuck was I making this worse?
"It's not like that."
"I just don't bloody get it. Why do you keep insisting on dealing with him at all? Just tell me how much you owe and we will close this fucking chapter once and for all."
Stop yelling at him you dimwit. You need to make him accept his feelings, not want to punch you once again.
"I already told you I don't want your money."
Not this crap again. How will we ever get to the things we should really be talking about when we never get past this road block.
Our voices raised in the small restaurant as we kept screaming at each. As much as I want this exchange to take a different turn he was just being so frustrating.
"But you can take Zayn's money?"
"I'm not taking his money dammit. It's a loan. A loan that I'm trying to repay without sleeping with him by the way."
"But with me it's not even a goddam loan. I'm just giving you the money. Why can't you take it and end it all. Why the fuck are you being so stubborn about this?"
"I already told you I don't want your fucking money."
Can someone please explain to me what was this twisted logic of his that for the life of me I couldn't manage to understand. If he was apparently in love with me why in God's name would he rather go and be a pawn in someone else's game instead of letting me help him. Someone please just make it make sense, cause otherwise both of us were going to drive each other insane.
Except, the longer our never ending back forth continued, arguing in circles with no end in sight the more my agitation grew. So close to having everything I desired and yet Arthit was determined to remain just one step away. How the fuck was I supposed to ever close the gap if he kept refusing me?
"Oh, so all of a sudden my money has become untouchable but all these months you had no problem accepting it."
"I never wanted your money even then."
"Then why did you sign the contract?"
"I did that cause I... I just... I just...cause...cause..."
And then it hit me. Like a thousand lightening bolts colliding against each other simultaneously.
Sitting there staring at his distressed expressions, eyes confused and scared while they kept trying to avoid mine the realization finally began sinking into the thick skull both Kite and Arthit had tried to punch through.
... cause he loved me!
How could it have taken me this long to realize the problem when it was sitting right in front of me. Kite had literally even told me my answer yesterday and it had still not clicked.
He had signed the contract cause he loved me. Cause I had left him pretty much no other choice. Right from the start I had treated him nothing more than a regular hooker. Hell, I had even advised him to join that blasted company once I was through with him. And then I had the audacity to question why he didn't come to me with his problems. Why would he? Why would he expect me to care at all about his well being when up until now I had demonstrated no such ability.
Sitting there, in the middle of a screaming match with him, it might finally have hit me that perhaps he may actually have been right. What really was the difference between me and that human trash bag Zayn? Only that Arthit may like me and not him. Both of us had pretty much treated him like nothing more than a commodity. Dangling the little bit of money over his head like that should be enough for him to come running right into our arms.
Even now I was so obsessed with convincing him that I could make his problems vanish with a snap of my fingers that I didn't stop and think for one second how skewed the power imbalance would become in our already shaky relationship. As if grappling with the idea of being treated nothing more than a hooker would not have been difficult enough for him, I was practically screaming at him to let me become another one of the long line of loan sharks he probably despises more than anything. What chance would that leave him to ever feel anything of an equal with me when forever there would remain an unseen, unspoken cloud looming over his conscience.
So then how could I reasonably expect him to lay out his emotions for me to see, bare his heart in front of me, confess his feelings, when up until now I had given him no reason to have any trust or faith in me at all. In us.
I had never even taken him on a simple date.
Why does he like me again?
Cause from where I'm sitting I really don't sound all that appealing even to myself. I just come across like any rich fucker who took advantage of a young man in need and then went and played around with his emotions. And now I'm once again sitting here across from him demanding he let me control even more of his life by bailing him out of his loans
Although its not that I would ever expect him to repay the money, actually I would vehemently refuse to take it, but obviously Arthit has no way of knowing or even trusting me on that. Infact I had gone ahead and slapped him in his face repeatedly by bringing it up again and again how he had already accepted my money after sleeping with me.
In our entire time together I had behaved so entitled, so selfish, thinking only about what I want and perfectly happy at flaunting my wealth until I got it that I never really stopped to consider what exactly was it that Arthit wanted.
Hell, to be honest I still had no idea what he wanted. I had somehow never bothered to find out. I just pretty much expected him to dump his brother, his only family, and follow my orders, a man he had met barely a few months ago. Who, by the way had treated him in a less than an ideal way throughout.
The more I thought about it, the more obvious it became.
He didn't want my money because he loved me.
How could I have been so daft for just so long.
But you know what? It doesn't have to stay this way.
"Hey Arthit..."
Plump lips grasping for words to say as I had launched into my own little daydream, stilled as he looked straight at me.
"What?"
"Want to go on a date with me?"
.