The truth of the matter is I'm scared shitless. Fear is not usually a word that's associated to me, but Sebastian Jackson scares the shit outta me. The way I feel about that boy is so fucking intense that sometimes it feels like my heart is finna spontaneously combust or some shit. That shit is scarier than any gunfight I've been in, especially because I feel controlled by that emotion. The way I lose myself whenever anyone posses a threat to him scares me, i black out and wanna kill everyone involved, that's some unhealthy ass shit.
But the thing is I ain't no scary nígga. I don't like the feeling of being afraid of anything, of being a slave to my emotions in such a way. I don't accommodate it and I certainly won't let it continue. Imagine if I let go and let myself love him the way I want to and then he walks away just like my mama did. Just like everyone who ever saw us together said he would. I mean there's only so much 'you're not good enough' a person can hear before they start to believe it.
The last time I was truly scared and blacked out for the first time, I was 9years old and beat a grown nígga beyond recognition with a baseball bat, that grimy ass nígga ain't even seen it coming. I mean, he was asleep at first and by the time he was conscious enough to do anything about it Pops got there and finished the job. But all that rage pales in comparison compared to now when someone so much as looks at Sebby funny. Being with him makes me feel vulnerable and I can't let that continue. I can't let no one control me like that.
Plus with all the messed up shit I've done Sebby is an easy target, if i don't stay far away from him. Someone could use him to get to me. I can't let him be a casualty of war, I'd burn this entire fucking city down if that ever happened. So the best thing is to stay away and let him be happy.
"Yo, want some breakfast?" Rico asked from the kitchen. I'm sitting in the dining area icing out my bruised knuckles.
"Yeah man, thanks." I replied and two seconds later his head popped out of the kitchen.
"You okay?" He asked, like he has every minute in the last week or so. Rico's been following me every damn where since Sebby left, I think he's afraid i might cross a line i wouldn't be able to come back from.
"Peachy." I responded flatly. He gave me a look that clearly meant he didn't believe me.
Some shuffling from the front door caught my attention so i looked up to see pops unlock the door and come in. Now who gave this man a key to my house?
He walked past me to where my brother was still sticking his head out and kissed his forehead before walking back to me, except he didn't stop when he got to me, he just said "walk with me," and kept walking.
I looked over at Rico for answers and he shrugged unhelpfully and mouthed 'no idea' before turning his attention back to the eggs in his hand.
I reluctantly followed my dad outside and stopped in front of him, but instead of meeting his gaze I looked down to my feet uncomfortably. I don't know what it is about my pops that always bitch me out. That shit is wild.
An instant later i felt the pressure of his fingers framing my chin as he lifted my head up to meet his gaze. "How you holding up?" He asked. Not what I was expecting.
I took a deep breath and squared my shoulders. "Good." I replied, because that was the only thing that came to mind.
Pops nodded, then shoved his hands into his pocket.
"Aight So first things first, you're out." Pops said unceremoniously, making my eyes widen in shock.
"What you mean out? Outta what?"
"You're out of the game boy, Ricardo too."
"Wait what? Nah pops, i..."
"My decision is final, save your breath!" My dad snapped, raising his voice a little. He stopped, then took a deep breath. "Are you willing to choose the game over the boy you love? Because I'll tell you this, if i had the option to give all these shit up to be with..." he trailed off. "Look, this right here, this is it for me. The game and my kids is all I have, all I'm ever gon have. But you've got the opportunity to have way more and you're damn sure gon take it."
"I can't just..."
"Drop one more body and you and I are gonna have a serious fucking problem, you hear me?" Pops interrupted in a final tone, so I nodded and looked away. Some battles can't be won.
"Now about that thing you have on Spencer, destroy it. Matter of fact, hand it over. Where it at?"
I was already planning on doing that so i ain't finna argue with him, but how did he find out about that is the real question. I left him standing there and went down to my basement to get the flash out of my safe. When I got back Pops was on the phone, he hung up as soon as he saw me and stretched his hand out so I placed the flash in it.
He slid it into his pocket before giving me a weird look. "You used that shit?" He queried.
"Not since Sebby and i got together."
Pops gave me an expressionless look for a minute before speaking again. "Look, chill out on Spencer aight. I know he can be a dick sometimes..."
"Pfft..." That was a gross understatement.
He ignored me and continued. "...but he's good people. He's gon be better towards you from now on too, I'mma handle that shit once and for all."
"Aight cool."
"C'mere." Pops pulled me in for a hug, then kissed my forehead, this man swears we're 4years old. "You gon be alright." He said.
We said our goodbyes, but when pops turned to leave I remembered something. "Yo pops, I'm going to Indiana for a bit, wanna check on gramps and them."
Immediately those words left my mouth my dad's demeanor changed. His usual firm posture faltered, and his eyes darkened. I don't know why he hates his father so much, he wouldn't tell me no matter how much I asked. All I know is that my gramps used to run the streets of Lakewood, he did that shit for years until pops overthrew him and ran him out of town. According to my sources pops had giving the old man a choice between getting the fuck out of dodge or take a bullet in the head. But no one knows why.
"Cool." Was all pops said and disappeared into his already opened car and sped away.
Before I had a chance to process what just happened Ringo pulled up. He walked over and dapped me up. "Sup holmes?" I greeted.
"Non much, Ric here?"
"Yeah in the kitchen." My friend nodded and walked towards the house.
I made to follow him inside when my phone started to go off. "Speak."
"Q it's me, can you come get me? My car broke down and i can't reach Seb." Sabrina's panicked voice filled my ears.
"Text me where you at, I'm on my way." I hung up.
I go back inside to grab my keys and wallet, Rico is facing the sink pouring a cup of coffee shirtless as usual, while Ring sat on the counter and watched. I could've sworn i seen him check my bro out. For a second it seemed like his eyes rested on my bro's ass, but i might just be seeing things. The chances of that being accurate was slim to none, so I decided to mind my business and slipped back out unnoticed.
About twenty minutes later i was pulling up next to Sabby's car just outside the city mall. She was lying down on the hood of her car, which is identical to Sebby's by the way. They be taking that twin shit way serious.
As soon as she saw me she jumped down and ran into my arms, i didn't realize I needed a hug till she gave me one.
"Girl why you always home? Your grade must really suck."
Sabrina laughed into my chest. "Shut up. I'm top of my class."
"Of course you are smarty."
We sat in my car and talked while we waited for the tow-truck to get here. Well, more like she talked my ears off while I listened and nodded occasionally, even though half the shit she be saying sounded like gibberish to me.
The ride to the Jackson residence was mostly quiet, only because Sabrina fell asleep two minutes in.
Ringing the doorbell with an adult asleep bridal style in your arms and a bag on your shoulder is a lot easier than you'd imagine. As I stood there and waited, for the first time I wished the sheriff would answer the door instead of the alternative.
But God hates me so the door flew open and Sebby stood there in a tight T-shirt and sweatpants that was cut into knee length shorts, his feet bear. He's showing now.
His shirt clung around his stomach snugly, my heart did a couple of backflips. Never in my 22years of life have i ever seen anything so beautiful.
From the look on his face I'm probably the last person he'd expected to see. His eyes moved from my face to my arms as they widened in panic. "Oh my God what happened?"
"Nothing, she asleep that's all. Didn't wanna wake her." I replied, clearing the lump in my throat. After explaining what had happened to Sebby he directed me to Sabrina's bedroom where i laid her down and place her bag on the floor.
Getting back downstairs Sebby was lying down on the couch, he looked smaller somehow, and tired. A part of me wanted to take him in my arms and kiss the shit out of him and never let go, but that's not my place anymore. He made his choice and now it's too late.
I'm half way out the door when Sebby's voice stopped me. "Can you stay for a second?" He asked with his eyes closed. My heart shattered at how broken he sounded. Did I do this?
"That's probably not a good idea."
"Please, just until i fall asleep, I've been having trouble sleeping lately."
I hesitated for a moment and Sebby's eyes flicked open, the moment our eyes meet I'm sold. He could tell me to move the world with my bare hands then and i would, I'd try at least.
I walked over to the recliner on the far right of the living room and sat down. "C'mere." I called. My normally husky voice was now practically nonexistent. Sebby walked over and climbed into my lap and rested his head on my chest, lying sideways to protect his bump. I don't know how else to describe the feeling I got other than 'it felt like coming home'.
Lest than five minutes later he was knocked out. I was almost falling asleep myself when i felt a shake on my right hand where it rested on Sebby's stomach. Another one followed immediately, then i realized what's happening. My baby is kicking.
A tear automatically drop down on my cheek as the feeling of overwhelming joy shook my entire body.
I waited a couple more minutes then carried Sebby up to Sabrina's room because i didn't know which one of the hundred rooms in this damn house was his. I leaned over and placed a quick kiss on his lips and left.
Two hours later I'm in my car with my shit in the trunk, speeding off the highway out of Lakewood.
Author's Note
Please go check out my new Oneshot book, the first story there called 'RuinouS DesirE' is a Tyrone and Spencer story. There are two parts to it, back when they were kids and now.