I HATE WATTPAD, IT IS SUCH A B*TCH. SO MANY GLITCHES.
To the people who have any issue with the way this books goes, I'll make an honest confession: I never planned on 'just friends' unlike my other two works that had or has a fixed , sorted storyline. All I wanted with this story was to put across the 'letter' that I had written in the prologue.
I have already said , things come naturally to me , I have no idea what is going to happen either.
I am just a teenager who's making amateur attempts at writing. All I have ever written before are poems and articles for school magazine and student council. I have no definite experience as an author so if anyone feels things are going the wrong way , point it. I take criticisim quite well.
There's no point in spreading hate over it to me by texting me how inept I am. I'm a human and have feelings too. Thank you<3
Happy reading 💕
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I open my eyes to find myself staring at Rohanpreet, who looked concerned. I thank my saviour for not letting me fall on the hard terrace floor. I look over his shoulder to see Sidharth standing at the entrance of the terrace with horror written all over his face. I jerk away from Rohanpreet's arms and stand properly.
"Sidharth" I say a little breathless. I don't know why this man intimidates me so much.
" It's nice to finally meet you shehnaaz, properly" Natasha says beside Rohan, a little awkward but cheery nonetheless and then links her arms with her boyfriend's.
"Hey" I say and steal glances at Sidharth who is still standing at the terrace's entrance with Jasmine. Her eyes searching his with concerns as she places her hand on his upper arms in... Assurance? Whatever.
It still stinged my heart, like a sharp piercing.
"Shehnaaz ye?" Rita aunty asks coming over to our little gathering and nodding at Rohanpreet and his girlfriend.
"Ye Rohanpreet h maa" sidharth's voice booms from behind as he too trots towards us with his girlfriend, Jasmine following his steps. "Shehnaaz ka ex" .
Rita Aunty's head snaps to my side and I give her an apologetic nod. Right, there was no need for him to add the -ex-part.
For a moment we all have that awkward silence and nobody says anything until Sidharth pulls out his right hand to stretch it towards Rohanpreet.
"Hi Rohan, Sidharth"
I have no idea what is the need for a formal introduction when they've already met and the confusion is pretty obvious on Rohanpreet's face too but he shakes his right hand with Sidharth nonetheless and ..well, he flinches.
"Sidharth" I say to him but he ignores me completely still focusing on Rohan. Natasha looks petrified.
Oh God, what is happening!
"Sidharth.. leave him" his iron-tight grip on Rohan's hand clenches more and then he leaves him with a satisfied smirk on his face.
Rohanpreet pulls his hand back with a jerk and with the way he's holding his right hand with the left one , I can tell Sidharth has squeezed the life out of him.
"What" he whispers when I nudge him by the elbow.
"What the hell do you think you were doing" I seethe at him but his calm demeanour doesn't budge, infact it becomes even more smug.
"Serves him right" and he straightens his already taut back.
Rita aunty becomes our saviour, yet again.
"Oh how lovely, all of you come with me , I'll make something and then we all can have dinner. Rohan, Sid jasmine and..."
" Natasha. Namaste aunty" Natasha says.
" Right , Natasha. Sab log Chalo and Sana you join us once you've freshened and changed. Enough practice for a day" she says giving me one of her motherly caresses that absolutely melt me.
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I enter sidharth's flat after freshening up to find Rohanpreet and Natasha engaged in a conversation with Rita aunty while Sidharth was ...
Well he was with his girlfriend totally engrossed in talking with with his eyebrows knit.
I've never felt more single in my entire life and that is saying something because I've always received the attention I wanted.
Always.
It's a little startling to find so many people in flat. Like our own little flat party.
"Hi" I say a little awkwardly breaking everybody's trance.
"Shehnaaz , bacha come help me prepare dinner and then we all can have it together" Rita aunty calls me and I make my way to her towards the kitchen.
We decide on preparing a full course meal. Rita aunty was making fried dal and rice while I set upon myself to make red sauce pasta.
Meanwhile , rest of the gang was arranging cushions on the table in the hall because apparently Sidharth and Rohanpreet decided to have an arm wrestling match.
I look over them while boiling pasta and my eyes get stuck on something which is out of bounds.
I watch as Sidharth opens the side cuffs of his shirt and folds it till his elbows. The flex of his muscles make me gulp. Hard.
"C'monn Sid, You can do it" Jasmine is squeaking like a hormonal teenager and it makes me want to puke.
Sidharth didn't even need to put in a lot of efforts. He beat Rohanpreet fair and square. I control the urge to roll my eyes and continue to make pasta.
I cut the vegetables and absent mindedly put them in the pan along with tabasco sauce, soya sauce and some ketchup.
I sigh , still not over Sidharth and his damned looks. Get a grip shehnaaz.
*****
"So , why exactly are you here Rohan? I'm sure shehnaaz doesn't wanna meet you!" Sidharth says at the dinner table and I choke on my morsel of pasta.
Why is he being such a douche towards Rohanpreet?
Rohan is so awkward, thankfully Natasha breaks the ice.
"Um.. actually we wanted to thank shehnaaz for being so understanding and say good bye as we're leaving for Punjab tomorrow" she explains
" Are nhi nhi. It's okay. Mujhe pics bhi bhejna wapis jakr" I brush her off.
How could I hold anything against her? When she just wanted love?
"Okay Sid, I'll take leave now. Have fun" Jasmine said standing, Sidharth followed suit. They hugged and she kissed him on the cheeks. Gross.
"Hum bhi chalte h. Thank you for dinner aunty. Satsriakal" Rohan and his girlfriend got up to leave too.
" Are aap kyu oth rhe ho aunty, Sidharth aur Mai chhod k aa jayenge. Aap pasta Khao, Haye mene itni mehnat se bnaya h" I tell Rita aunty as she was about to get up leaving her dinner. I kiss her forehead and then all four of us walk to the door
*****
Sidharth and I drop the rest of the gang at the building's main entrance , bid them goodnight and then make out way back to his flat. I would help Rita aunty clear the dining table and then head to my own place.
The journey back to his place was awkward to say the least . Neither of us said anything. I wonder if he really loves Jasmine a lot. Even in Bigg boss, when she came they seemed to close. they've known each other for a very long time , obviously they're bound to be close .
I chide myself to not dwell on my thoughts too much as we enter the flat.
"Sid..dharth" Rita Aunty's whimper brings me out my trance and I look up to see a totally distraught her barely able to stand up. Sidharth had already sprinted towards her and is holding her in his arms and I'm horrified as I see ... Blood spattered on the floor.
The fear is written all over sidharth's face too and he's screaming.
"Maaa"
"Mom.. fuck"
"Aunty..?''
" Khan uncle.. Sidharth khan uncle doctor h.. please bula laa unhe" I say to him as I remember about the old man.
He nods nervously and runs off to call the neighbor.
Aunty spits another mouthful of blood and breath leaves my lungs.
"Au..hhn..tyy" I choke and encircle myself around her, taking us to the bathroom. She gargles with tap water , her breathing comes in pants and my heart is breaking at the mere sight of her.
"Sana.. bacha" she mumbles and I shush her up, putting her to bed. Sidharth comes with Khan uncle , his eyes wide and hair all ruffled.
I can't even imagine what he must be going through.
"I'll clean the house" I say and give him the privacy to be with his mother in her most urgent times. Doctor would do his work but the support and comfort her son could give , no else could.
I somehow wash the floor , wipe the stains and put dishes in the sink. I disinfect everything in the hall , when doctor Khan comes with a tensed Sidharth.
I give him a weak smile and something like gratitude twinkles in his eyes. He thanks Khan uncle and then goes on to drop him too.
*****
"What happened exactly? Aunty ko aise kaise Sidharth?" I ask when he returns. Aunty is asleep in her room. We're sitting on the couch. His head is in his hands and I know he's crying because his whole body is shaking.
Tears fall from his eyes , his nose is all red from excessive crying and I know my voice is breaking and my eyes are numb.
I put my arms over him and he lets me hug him , baby him. It's heart wrenching to see such a strong man so vulnerable.
"Uncle ne kaha , ki .. kisi allergic substance k consumption se hua ye. The thing got stuck in her oesophagus, luckily it was liquid so nothing major happened. And blood spit k wajah see she's normal now. But .. I was scared shehnaaz"
I rub his arms to soothe him, to provide him some sort of solace.
"I'm such a loser, I can't live without her. I love her too much for that.." he says wiping his tears and hugs me back. His chest is pounding furiously.
So is mine.
"But .. I don't know how did it happen. Sab sahi tha , we were having dinner ..and then" his words break a little.
I know how hard it must be for him. I can understand it too. Everything was going okay . We were all eating then Jasmine Rohan and natasha decided to leave , Aunty was going to come too until ...
Until..
I asked her not to and eat pasta.
Pasta. Khan uncle said the allergic substance was liquid. And then it Dawns on me, how Sidharth had once told me that his mum was allergic to tabasco and I like a fucking idiot added tabasco sauce.
Oh my God. What have I done?
"Sidharth.." I say quietely and he turns to look at me. He must have read the horror on my face because understanding dawns in his eyes.
His Iris darkens and then becomes cloudy. Pure rage. I read in them.
"You..?" His voice cracks a little bit. Sidharth stands abruptly and I stand up to.
"Si..dharth.. sorry"
"Shut up shehnaaz'' I stumble backward with the use of force in his voice.
I try to reach him but he backs off , not letting me touch him.
"Fuck off shehnaaz , you knew ki mom ko Tabasco se allergy tha yet you put it in the fucking pasta " he growls and tears sting in my eyes.
"...and you even specially asked her to eat it" he says , his eyes widening.
" You .. did not do it intentionally... Did you?'' the doubt and disgust in his voice is enough to put my stomach in knots.
"No. I wouldn't ever" I say, my voice is high pitched.
"Liar.. you're a fucking liar shehnaaz. maa h wo Meri" he spats in distaste.
I'm whimpering by the end of his sentence. The rage and hatred is too overwhelming.
"Sidharth" I myself am not able to hear my voice. I don't know if he is.
But grabs my hand and throws me out of his home. And I can't even hold that against him.
I hurt the perosn that mattered the most to him . Rita aunty.
"Sidharth please, let me be with her. I love her too" I plead but he cuts me off.
" If you'd have loved her , you wouldn't have done this shehnaaz" his says softly with so much hurt and tears in his eyes.
I want to die.
*****
It's been a week since I've left the proximity of my own room. I've cut ties with everyone .
As if I had everyone. My ass.
All I had was Sidharth and Rita aunty , who were like my family. But with the exceptional fall out last weekend , I'm not sure if there's anything left of us. Shehbaaz is still in Punjab, he sends me pictures every night. Of him with mummy Papa, of him with Dada -dadi and of him with Kiran. Of the woman he loves and who loves him back.
He's tried to call me but I've just texted him that I'm busy . I don't think I'll be able to hold up if I did. I have barred Kavita Di from coming too. So all in all I'm alone.
And it's fucking lonely.
I miss home. I miss days when I didn't care about anything and anyone. But I guess , sometimes we just comes across people who change us drastically. For better or for worse.
My head hurts. It's pounding out of control. And everything feels empty.
My phone rings and I'm about to cut the call like every other one I have received over the week when I see it's Kaushal.
I don't know if I would have been alive had it not been for him.
"Hello?" I don't recognize my voice. It's cold and dead.
"Shehnaaz? Kaisi h tu?" Kaushal asks.
"Alive"
"Did you meet Dr. Sharu?"
" Yes, I did Kaushal. Can I hang up now?" My tolerance for social interactions has reduced multile folds.
"Not now. What did she say?"
"Nothing new. That I'm in depression"
" Oh shehnaaz" I hear Kaushal groan from the other end.
I went to see the psychiatrist he recommended me two days ago. It was the first time I had seen myself in the mirror in four days. I looked horrible I guess.
My eyes looked wild with bags under them. My face was tired. Of him, of myself , of everything .
Dr. Sharu, was a seemingly young woman, probably my age . Honestly I expected someone older. It was little... Discomforting. It somehow made me conscious of how hideous I looked in baggy sweatshirt and shorts and sunglasses that probably covered most of my face.
As if I cared.
She was sweet , too much . It bugged me. People being nice to me doesn't settle well with me these days.
"Shehnaaz, you need to open up darling, you need someone right now" she said.
" No I don't" I said firmly. Honestly? I wished when is it going to get over.
"Yes you do. Shehnaaz battling alone is okay but battling loneliness is an altogether different thing... Suffering is a given shehnaaz , suffering alone is intolerable" she explained and it irritated me. I wanted to go out of her office right then. Its immaculate surrounding had put me at unease.
"You being distanced from people you're attached has increased cortisol in your body, it's a stress hormone and it's depressing your immune system" I hated the fact she was so right.
" He.. doesn't love me" I choke. Finally. There. Tears sprunged. After a long time.
"Talk about it to someone you trust and love . We'll meet again. Yeah?" Sharu gave me an assuring smile.
I did not return it though.
"Shehnaaz?"
"Shehnaaz??"Kaushal's voice brings me out of the reverie.
"Hmm?"
"You need him shehnaaz. I know you do. Why don't you say yes to the project that wants Sidnaaz to be back to much"
Because it scares the shit out of me
"I don't want to Kaushal"
I have realised he could never be mine. I've lost all hopes. The last day of sunshine had immersed in darkness that night.
The relief I felt at the realisation couldn't be put into words.
I don't hear what he says because I see a black outline of a human figure on the floor.
Who could it be?
Nobody can come . Nobody can go.
Yet the silhouette is there. My eyes go wild and I find myself drifting back into the pithole.
Someone is here. Oh my God. My breathing is rapidly increasing. My pulse , I can't feel it .
I am screaming and screaming and everything feels heavy.
I hear kaushal's concerned shrieks from the background.
I don't care.
Someone is here.
I scream yet again.
"Shehnaaz calm down" Kaushal barks over the phone and I still.
Silence, I can hear silence.
Inhale.
Exhale.
I realised the contour was mine.
In was scared of my own fucking shadow.
"Yeah, yeah I'm good" I say to Kaushal . Reaching for the jar of water on the dinner table. I put water in it and gulp down some of it.
"I knew it , I knew it would be right to tell Sidharth about you. It's heart breaking to see you like this Sana" Kaushal says
Horror.
" You didn't tell him anything ? Did you. Kaushal tell me you didn't tell him anything" I am shouting at him.
" No" he answers after excruciating silence.
Relief. Thank God.
"Bye Kaushal"
I don't wait to hear his response. I cut the call.
Over the last month , we've had too many fall outs and it's a little alarming. We had fights in Bigg boss too, yet we re-kindled. Everything seems to crack now.
I asked sharu about it.
"You were able to reconcile then because of the hope you both had in your relationship then shehnaaz. Now both of you , specially you are detaching yourself and it's not healthy. We fight for things we know we want and you're giving up on one of the most important things in your life"
Sharu was wrong though, we can't fight for or hold onto things we know could never be ours. Things fell apart , and I let them be.
The pounding my head increases and I go back to my room with the half filled glass of water. I open the drawer of the side Table and take out a bottle.
I put two-three tablets of temazepam (sleeping pills) in my mouth then gulp them down with water.
Soon, relief floods me as my consciousness is snatched.
*****
I wake up with a start, still groggy because of the pill's effects. And the horror returns as I see a shadow lurking at my room's door.
I try to stay calm and remind myself that it's probably just me but the screams are inevitable. I know this time that the silhouette is not mine , it looks manly and there.!
His face looks darker, Because of the stubble that covers it. His hair are unkempt and his pupils are dilated.
"Shehnaaz" he says.
And I release a breath I didn't know I was holding.
_
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Okay, so about the note in the beginning, I was hurt and thus wrote it. I remember each and every one of my reader, I know those who used to comment and now don't and I remember those who earlier didn't and now do. yes I get affected with hate. Criticism is okay but hate is a bit too far fetched. May be it's because I still have to attain emotional maturity. I've been an Atelophobic all my life, things scare me and then break me. If I were a bit older , things probably would have been different , but let us just not belittle anyone , in this case me (because after all I'm still a kid and have a soft heart) it's a request.
So let me sum it up for you , even though I love most of the people here ,
Wattpad is getting suffocating for me.
Spread love
Kriz
💕