🎶 My Dear - CHEN ♥️
= Shall we lean on those memories we long for? Just close your eyes. =
A/N: This is my favorite song in the DMD album, and it's his no. 1 pick too ~ 😉 What about you? (no cheating by saying all is your fav 👀)
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"Kiss me," I said, looking from Jongdae's lips back into his eyes. Waves of uncertainty washed over me as every millisecond passed, but there was no time to regret it. I only wanted one thing then, and he was either going to do what I say or walk away from a crazy me. My heart hammered at the probability of the latter. I shut my eyes tight and prayed for him to quickly leave before my embarrassment showed.
And that's when I felt a light kiss over my right eye.
My heart skip a beat at the unexpected tenderness of his kitten-like lips. They were soft like clouds against my skin just the way I had imagined. My body stiffened as I inhaled deeply at his touch, feeling his warm minty breath over me.
Is this really real or am I dreaming?
My eyes remained closed as Jongdae planted another kiss on my upper cheek, gently, then traced down to my lower cheek for another, and once more right beside my lips. He was teasing me in a lustful manner making me wish that he wouldn't stop. Every little kiss made me crave harder for a taste of his lips, but I waited for a second to nothing more.
When I opened my eyes again, Jongdae was serving me back his sweet, gentle gaze.
Why did he stop?
I questioned myself as we locked eyes. Most of it being Jongdae captivating me with his gorgeous black eyes beneath his thick long eyelashes. His moving pupils showed that he was studying me closely as if he could read me like an open book. But I didn't feel exposed by it, I felt important.
I stayed still in silence and let him watch me, his eyes searching every part of my face for an answer. I wish I knew what was going through his mind, and I wanted to ask.
Why, why, why, why did you stop?
"You," I finally spoke again, which made his gaze find my lips.
Before I could say more, Jongdae dived down and pressed his lips on mine, starting slow as he moved, caressed, and then devoured my lips the way he craved it. Slowly, I parted my lips for him to explore my mouth and deepen our kiss in a madder, lustful manner.
As if we both held back too long for this moment to happen. As if it had been both our hungry desire.
I found my back against the wall as Jongdae dominated our kiss, one hand firmly holding my cheek and the other on my neck as he kept me close in a strong grip. My hands circled around his neck as I let him take control of the kiss, loving everything about it when I figured that he probably wanted this as bad as me.
That Jongdae actually wanted me.
Our kiss finally broke off when we both stopped for air, in between gasping softly and then chuckling at this lustful madness. Jongdae rested his forehead against mine and kept our faces close as we breathed heavily. He wasn't ready to let go yet.
"You're a good kisser," I blurt out whatever came to mind, too dazed to form more sensible sentences anymore.
I know, I'm already regretting it.
"Only you will know," he laughed at my silly remark.
I took the time to admire the look on his face, capturing everything to detail, from the way the corner of his eyes crinkled as he smiled with his teeth to the sound of his low giggle that resonated through his Adam's apple. I touched his cheek to feel his milky skin and eyed those kitten lips once more, knowing that this moment was one I would engrave in my heart and mind forever.
The moment of Kim Jongdae taking away my first kiss.
...
Jongdae walked me up until a turning corner before we planned to part. I was leaving for the girl's dorm and this was the furthest he could take me in case someone saw us together.
"You know," Jongdae calmly started. "When I told you I won't apologise for what I said to you as a coach..."
"I know," I managed half a smile. I thought we were over that.
"It doesn't mean I won't hear you out," Jongdae reached down to hold both my hands. "Just promise me you won't do that in front of other people." He squeezed my hands assuringly. "Whenever you feel frustrated, angry or upset... vent it out on me. I'll be the one to hear you out, okay?"
I nodded obediently, smiling in sealed lips as his sincerity warmed my heart. It's been so long since I was honest with my feelings and I was glad it turned out well. Thanks to him, I was slowly gaining back confidence to express myself. My courage, my happiness, the assurance he gave me, everything that I had right now was because of Jongdae.
With him, I trust that I could be better and happier than before.
"Goodnight," I said shyly as we exchanged looks affectionately.
"Goodnight, little devil." He lightly pinched my cheek.
"Even you're calling me that?" I laughed.
"I'm not the only one?"
"There is someone," I nodded, getting reminded of Jaehyun for this nickname. "Just someone I know."
"Anyway, before I forget, I wanted to wish you all the best for showcase tomorrow. Just remember that I'm still your coach and I'm not going to be biased to you."
"Of course," I continued to smile sweetly. This was me unleashing my girly side and I couldn't help it with Jongdae staring back at me. "I trust you." And that was me finally freeing the words from the bottom of my heart.
...
Sunday finally came and showcase happened in front of three judges. One was Jongdae, and two others were guest panelists whose name I don't remember. Our performance went well, or at least I think it did. Unlike the first showcase, this stage left me with no regrets because I was finally able to sing to my heart's content. For once, I felt like my voice was heard, and heard by Jongdae, which was extremely gratifying.
Based on this performance, we were re-evaluated on our vocal skills and regrouped to prepare for the next project. Where everyone was already anticipating that project, here I was wishing that I would upgrade from a C to a B. The confidence I had before was killed when they put me on the same level with Yuri because ew, there was nothing about her that I admired.
And if the judges leveled me with her, it meant that there was nothing about me for people to admire either. I always shuddered at that comparison because I once believed I was something more. If this re-evaluation puts me and Yuri together again, I definitely have to reflect on myself.
I also don't think I'll be able to face Jongdae if I stayed as a class C trainee.
In the evening, the trainees gathered in the main hall again for Sohee to make the next announcement. We sat with our groups while waiting for her to appear, and that meant that I had to deal with Yuri's face until we were dismissed for the day. I tried, tried, tried so hard to ignore her but Yuri had this tendency to stare at me. Don't ask me why, I don't know what's her problem.
"Do you guys have a boyfriend?" She suddenly popped a question out of nowhere. Mine, Hera and Lia's attention immediately went to her.
"That's random," Hera commented. "But no, isn't that a given? As trainees, we're not allowed to date."
"Yeah, that's the downside of it," Lia sighed. "If we really get to debut, I foresee that we'll be growing old and single for many, many years..."
"To pursue love or your dreams... it sounds tragic but ultimately, it's what we choose for ourselves." Hera chuckled with a sad smile.
"Yeah, I chose dreams and I'm obviously not turning back." Lia agreed to her.
Yuri then looked at me. "What would you choose, Jisoo?" She asked, raising one side of her eyebrow. Her expression irked me as always.
I stared back at her for a while as she waited for me to respond, and tilted my head another side. "Why should I tell you?"
Her face turned annoyed right away and she rolled her eyes. "It's not that you don't want to tell me," she stated as if she knew something and snorted . "Maybe it's because you have trouble choosing."
I eyed her properly now, trying to figure out what she was driving at. "I get that you're obsessed with me, but you're not important enough for me to tell you anything."
I made sure to watch whatever I said because... Jongdae told me to be nice.
"O-Obsessed? You're delusional! " Yuri laughed. "How about I tell you... or the whole world, what your answer would be?" She challenged back with the same smugged smile, and it bothered me this time.
"What?" I frowned back.
She leaned forward, narrowing her eyes. "Do you really not know? Should I tell you?"
I stared back silently, clenching my jaw. For once, her threat was weighing down my guts that I didn't dare to defy.
Thankfully, the intense silence broke off when Sohee walked in right on time to gather us for the next briefing. I was the first to move away and avoid Yuri before she could say more. I knew her enough to figure out how her threats work. She wasn't the kind to take action against me until she gets a chance to intimidate me first. And I was not going to give her the chance to intimidate me today.
It only concerned me because it was obvious that she knew something. If it was on the topic of dating and boyfriends, it can't possibly be about Jongdae... can it?
"Alright everyone," Sohee began her briefing. "Hope you had a good and easy weekend. We're finally done with vocal training for this week, so take the next few days off for a good rest before you come back for another round of intense training."
When she said 'next few days off', it simply means the next five school days for me. For Hera, Lia, and Yuri, they have it easy since they had already graduated but I was in my senior year. There was no way I would be able to enjoy a good rest.
Should I just drop out of school?
"We've got a training camp coming up next, and we will only reveal your individual grades then so brace yourself. We'll also be moving our training base to another location so pack all you need to last you for two weeks. We will be spending a good 14 days over there, together." She extra-emphasised.
Hera's mouth opened wide. "Two full weeks? Oh yes this is gonna be exciting!"
I looked at her, then briefly glanced over to Yuri who was playing with her manicured nails and gulped. Not sure why I was feeling restless about it, but I was.
"It's gonna be so fun," Lia commented excitedly too, hooking mine and Hera's arms.
"I hope so," I added in a voice heavier than usual.
...
I told the girls to leave without me when we were officially dismissed. Hera and Lia were going to get a tteokbokki snack together but I backed out of it. Yuri didn't stay behind to bug me either because she had her own plans to rush to, thank god. So I was finally alone, taking my time to pack my stuff at the girl's dorm before I headed home.
And the whole time thinking about what Yuri said to me earlier.
"Do you guys have a boyfriend?" Her question hit me hard. I admit that whatever happened between us was real and the kiss was oh-so-passionate but... nothing was established.
Jongdae is not my boyfriend and I am not his girlfriend.
I shook my head once. What am I expecting? It's not like I could ask Jongdae to drop his career just to be mine.
No, I couldn't do the same too. I wouldn't drop the dream I've been pursuing just because of Jongdae.
I shook my head again to stop overthinking. For now, let's just get the facts right.
We aren't in any kind of relationship. A kiss doesn't mean that we need to establish a relationship too. My feelings for him won't change anyway, and that's the most important, isn't it?
After much justification, I carried my duffel bag over my shoulder and made my way out. Then I stopped right at the entrance of the SM building again debating if I should visit the Sapphire room once more. It hasn't been a day but I wanted to see Jongdae again. Even after all the overthinking, I continued to yearn for his company, his comfort, his smile.
Before I could tell myself otherwise, my feet brought me directly outside the Sapphire room, where I stood facing the closed door. During this time, I wondered if he was on the other side, if he thought about me as much as I did about him, and if... he was really serious about me. Thanks to Yuri, I just couldn't get all positive and excited about us. Something about what she said was awfully strange.
Even so, I missed Jongdae.
And nothing should stop me from doing what I want.
I scratched out the negatives and tried to take on the positives. There was at least one thing I can be sure of - that Jongdae isn't someone who would ditch a girl after a kiss. He's responsible, dependable, and caring for me.
And that was enough reason for me to let go of Yuri's puny threat talk.
With a brave heart, I opened the door. Jongdae was there indeed, lying idling on the floor and using his phone. The lazy sight of him immediately put a smile on my face, and all my worries washed away.
"I knew it," I said to him, and he returned me the same big hearty smile upon seeing me.
...
"Let's part here. You don't have to send me out," I explained, grabbing my bag to go. Jongdae and I spent two full hours chilling in Sapphire, but it was close to 8 pm and he had another schedule to go to so I decided to leave. "As much as I wish to stay... I should get going now," I sighed.
Jongdae stood up after me and came face to face with me. I made a quick glance to his lips, and a new lustful desire popped into mind that I swallowed unintentionally.
Jesus, Jisoo. Are you that hungry?
My face started to burn and I quickly averted my eyes away, in disbelief myself that I actually think about these things. But hey, it shouldn't be my fault that he has such sexy appealing kitty lips. Okay stop. I soon let go of my lust that went unnoticed and pretended to keep cool.
Jongdae went on to ruffle my hair and walked me to the door. "As much as I wish for you to stay, I can't hold you back today. Go home safe, and text me when you're home."
I nodded back, wanting at least a goodbye hug but at the same time I was too shy to initiate one. I seriously don't know what got to me because I was never shy like this before, and here I was acting like a girly girl.
"Bye," I said and turned to the door when Jongdae did nothing. I was about to make my way out when he circled his strong arms around me and tugged me back by surprise, squeezing me into a back hug. My smile grew wider as I danced on the inside when my wish came true.
This man knew how to play games with my frail little heart.
"Ten more seconds before I send you away," he muttered softly with his face leaning into my neck. I really counted the seconds silently to myself, of which the hug lasted almost twenty seconds. I could even sense his reluctance when he finally pulled away, and it made me smile wider. Giving him one last satisfied look, I waved him a sweet goodbye.
...
Skipping light steps out of the building, I hummed to the tune of Tunnel that was sung for showcase earlier. My worries were all forgotten and my good mood was sky high because of Jongdae. The least I expected was to have a visitor waiting for me, but there was a guy I knew lingering at the building out front, head hung low, hands in the pocket, and randomly pacing up and down.
Jaehyun.
"Dude?" I approached him, and he looked up. "What are you doing here?" I asked in utter confusion.
"This was the camp you're talking about? SM?" He reacted, not at all surprised by the fact that we were both here.
"Why are you here?" I asked again, impressed by my own patience.
"You're a trainee or something? Since when?"
"Since I got busy. Now answer my question. I asked you first." I calmly repeated the third time.
"This was the secret you've been hiding? What were you thinking!"
My patience only lasted that much before I snapped and I hit Jaehyun at the back of his head. "Answer me, you idiot! I repeated myself three times! Why are you here!"
"Why do you think I am!?" He exploded too, standing up tall to covet over me. "On Friday you said you were rushing somewhere, but this was it? You stayed away from home all weekend to be here? What were your plans?"
"You came here just to ask me that? You're saying as if I can't be here." I mumbled away.
"Of course you shouldn't be! We're graduating this year and we're in our final semester!"
I stared at Jaehyun for a bit before responding nicely. "What does this... got to do with you? And how do you know I'd be here?" My question turned to a frown.
"I followed you here on Friday. Gave me a shock of my life."
My eyes widen at his calmness, "you waited here for me since FRIDAY?"
Jaehyun let out a short laugh. "You think I have nothing better to do? I know enough to be finding you at the right time." He flashed a genius smile.
"Stalker," I rolled my eyes and walked away, down to the same bus stop that was home bound.
"What did you do this weekend? Tell me everything. Since when did you sign up as a trainee? How did you pass the audition?" Jaehyun tagged along, asking me a mountain of questions that I eventually decided to ignore.
"The guy you told me before... is he a trainee too?"
I paused at that before turning to face Jaehyun properly. "You're not telling anyone about this, you hear me?"
"Why would I?" Jaehyun replied like it was the obvious. "But you should tell me everything."
"And why should I?" I defied back, crossing my arms.
"Because we're friends."
"Deng," I mimicked a bell sounding the wrong answer.
"Because we're good friends?" He added on, and I rolled my eyes smiling at his persistence.
"Best... friends?" He kept trying.
"Get going, classmate," I mumbled lazily. "I'm tired and I'm going straight home to rest."
"It's tiring, isn't it? I hope you didn't forget that we're only left with one week of school. And you should think twice about this trainee thing..." Jaehyun kept nagging and I let those words go in and out of my ears. It's funny how he ended up sending me home because he didn't want to leave with his questions unanswered. Hah. Not that I answered everything, but it was just enough for Jaehyun to find out that I am a trainee at SM and I've got a two-week training camp coming up in the following week.
The training camp fits just right into my year-end school calendar. Thanks to Jaehyun nagging me all night, he reminded me that it's our last week of school before we say goodbye to senior year, which also brings up the stress because I haven't been studying for finals. Our exams were crammed to the last three days of the week so I only had Monday and Tuesday left to mug.
How crappy, right?
...
Fast-forwarding to the end of examinations, it was finally TGIF - the Friday I have been waiting for all my life because it marks the end of senior year. I spent Mondays and Tuesdays with barely three hours of sleep, and Wednesdays and Thursdays with only two hours as I braced myself for the final lap of hardcore studying. In fact, it was the only time of the year that I actually studied that hard.
It was a little past 12 pm on a Friday afternoon, and I was trudging tired footsteps out of the examination hall after ending our final paper. Students were scattered along the corridors talking about the exam, holiday plans, or about life after graduation. I, on the other hand, just wanted to go home to sleep my life away. I haven't been sleeping enough thanks to my double life as a trainee and a student, and heck, it really doubles the exhaustion.
"Kitten sooooo!" Jaehyun popped up beside me, all excited. "Oh sshi-, since when did you turn into a panda?" His look turned to shock upon seeing my dead face but I was too tired to respond equally to his enthusiasm.
"Go find someone else to celebrate with," I sighed. "I wanna go home and sleep."
"You're no fun," he dropped his gestures immediately as if he already expected that from me. "Come on, Soo. It's been so long since we hung out together. Just a few hours to celebrate the end of senior year, mm?" He revealed his puppy eyes.
I stopped in my tracks and watched him plead to me. "I have a trainee program to get back to," I reminded him in monotone. "Let me sleep while I still can."
"There's a place where you can do that," Jaehyun said, a smile creeping up his face. "You'll love it there, I swear it's even better than home."
The better than home part was what swayed me instantly. Part of me didn't want to go home in case my parents were around. So I raised an eyebrow, "where?"
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A/N: Quick rant but I misssssss Jongdae so much and I need a dosage of him to get through my bad days 🥺🥺🥺🥺🥺 And boy I need a OT9 comeback too... even if it'll take years I'll be waiting 😭 Who's with me?
-A