"I'm going to start showing more soon." I frown and look down in the mirror.
"I think you look great." John says on my bed. I roll my eyes and look at Madeline, who is also on my bed. "What do you think?" She sighs and turns her head, looking at me in the mirror. "You've already decides to tell people right? It'll be okay."
I sigh and sit down in my chair, putting a hand on my small bump. "Do you think Colby's legit about this? He's so," I trail off trying to think of a word to describe him. "Unpredictable?" Madeline asks. I nod my head and frown.
"Well you'll have us if he does back away." John smiles and kisses my head, I smile back. "But I don't think he will. He was already planning for when he's here and you're only 15 weeks. He really does care." Madeline says. I nod my head and look at my tv, keeping my teary eyes from their view.
We continue to watch tv until we all realize it was almost midnight. "Yeah, I have to get home. Moms orders." John says and gets up, hugging me from the side. "I'll see you in class Monday." He says goodbye to Maddie then he leaves.
"Are you staying?" I ask her, she shakes her head yes. "I don't have anywhere to be tomorrow so why not." She laughs.
I change into my night clothes and lay in my bed, getting under the cover as Maddie changes. "What should we name him? Is it to soon to think about that?" I laugh as she gets in the bed.
"No, we can start looking tonight. What do you think of when you think about him?" She asks and grabs her phone.
"Um, well really I just get nervous. And I'm constantly scared about what'll come when he's here." I tell her.
"Anything positive?" She laughs. "What about when you think about Colby?"
"When I think of Colby I think of a lot of things. Guilt, regret, embarrassment. But I also think of how mysterious and dark he is. He's like a dark knight." I laugh.
She smiles at me, "Do you think he's you're knight?" She laughs. I scrunch my nose, "Hell no. Good in bed, yes, relationship material, no."
"Okay what else do you think of?"
"His eyes have always made me feel some time of way. They're like the perfect shade of blue, you know." I sigh.
She looks at me and laughs, shaking her head. "Okay, what about that dude in the Bible who killed his brother?" She asks as she searching through google.
"Cain?" I laugh. "I don't know how much Colby would like his son being named after the first murderer."
"But think about it. You associate Colby with darkness and betrayal and he's somewhat biblical with his aesthetic. I mean, it's kind of perfect." She laughs.
Cain. It's short and simple but unique. It does fit Colby nice and I really do like names that are different.
"I'll ask him about it, then we'll think about it." I laugh.
"And maybe if you have a daughter one day you can name her Lilith or Eve." She smiles.
My eyes widen and I slap her arm, "No! Colby and I don't even think of each other that way." I laugh.
"You think of each other some type of way the night you made him." She rolls her eyes.
My cheeks heat up and I turn away from her, closing my eyes.
***
"How should we announce it?" Colby scoots his chair closer to me as he sits down. Sam sits next to him.
"Announce what?" I ask as I eat my blueberries.
"The baby, duh." He says a little loud. I put my hand over his mouth and shush him.
"I can see the bump through your clothes, Amara. We have to tell people." Colby sighs and moved my hand away from him.
I frown and nod. "I'll just post a picture okay? I'll tag you in it or something." I shrug.
I'm so scared of what people will say and think of me. I'm just another one of Colby's one night stands, but pregnant. People are going to think I sleep around or something. I'm not ready to be talked about.
"I could do like one of those dad poses with you." Colby laughs.
"We're not a big happy family, Colby. You knocked me up. This type of pictures are meant for happy people." I look back down to my food.
"I am happy." Colby mumbles.
"How about you just repost whatever she posts?" Sam suggests. Colby nods his head and sighs.
He's being optimistic about this and I don't know why. A couple days ago he wanted nothing to do with us, now he's trying to take family pictures. I don't understand him, I don't think I ever will.
"I'll post my sonogram from when I found out the gender, I'll have another one when I'm 20 weeks." I tell him.
"That's fine. Am I going to be able to go to this one?"
"If you stick around." I say jokingly. His eyebrows furrow and he rolls his eyes.
***
Going live in t minus one minute.
I text Colby.
On the count of three? He texts back.
I take a deep breath, one, I text him.
Two. He writes back.
Three.
I send my text and click post. I close my Instagram app and go back to messages where Colby texted already.
Maybe we shouldn't tell people. I read. My eyes widen and text him back quickly.
I ALREADY POSTED IT
😂😂😂I know I'm just playing
I roll my eyes and put my phone down. I didn't want to see the comments when people start seeing it. I didn't want to see what they had to say about me.
My phone begins ringing. I look over and see Colby is FaceTiming me.
"Yes?" I keep my focus on my tv rather than looking at him. "I'm sorry." He says through the screen. My eyes meet his and I frown, "Colby, it's both of our faults. It was meant to happen, he's meant to be here."
"I took advantage of you. It was wrong of me."
He's not wrong, but he's not right. We both wanted it just as bad as the other, I was just dumb enough to go through with it.
"I'm not talking about this." I sigh. I get up and lay my phone down on my bed as I get clothes to sleep in.
"Well I want to. We have to be able to communicate."
I slip my shirt off and put on an oversized t shirt. I pick my phone up again, "We do have to communicate, but not about this. This has nothing to do with him."
"My feelings have everything to do with him. We need to be honest with each other. I shouldn't have pressured you into anything, I should of just played it fair and got you the way a normal person would."
My heart speeds up as I stay silent. Got me the way a normal person would? What is that even supposed to mean.
"I just always feel like I have to use my body as a way to feel good about myself. And you're just so," he pauses and looks at me, "Never mind."
"Colby," I sigh. "You can talk to me about anything."
It's the nice thing to say, really. But I'm not sure if I mean it. I'm a stable enough to hear his problems and worries? Will it jeopardize our relationship if I know? All these things going through my mind about him already. All the worries and fears I have. What if he leaves again? What if he's not responsible enough? What did Sam mean when he said he can't love? Will he be able to love our son?
"Have you thought about names?" He changes the subject.
"Um, actually me and Maddie thought of one if you're interested." He nods his head. "What about Cain?"
"Oh, biblical and dark, I love it." He laughs. I smile and thank him.
"So his name is Cain?" I ask.
"His name is Cain."