Trigger warning: might include traces of internalized homophobia.
Sarawat was getting worried, raking a frustrated hand through his brown hair, brandishing a wide forehead and narrowed, dark eyes. He stared at the phone in his other hand, willing it to light up with an incoming call or at least a notification from his willy-nilly boyfriend. Tine was still not back home yet and it was making Sarawat anxious. Where the fuck was he?
Sarawat flopped backwards, throwing his head on the backrest of the couch, one leg bouncing agitatedly. With all the weird things happening he did not want Tine going out of range on him. What if something happened? How would Sarawat get any news about that? He was probably not even on Tine's emergency contact list. Yet.
The phone suddenly vibrated in his hand and Sarawat's lips twisted downward when he saw that it was Green. He felt an eerie premonition choking him slightly as he swiped to reply.
"-wat! Tine's at the hospital," Green cried out in static and all blood drained from Sarawat's face instantly, leaving him numb with shock as he jolted up to his feet. "You need to come, I-" the other man choked on a sob, sniffing obnoxiously into musician's ear.
"Shit. What happened?!" Sarawat demanded over the line, trying to make the other man just spit it out already but Green only kept on sobbing. "Which. Hospital. Is he at?" Sarawat tried again, speaking deliberately slow, jaws clenched. He fucking did not have the time for Green's stupid dramatics.
Sarawat exhaled harshly, trying to calm himself down, nothing good would come out of him rushing off heedlessly into this. Still, he jammed his feet in a pair of Vans quickly and shrugged messily into a denim jacked before heading out the door, slamming it shut with jerky movements. His patience was running thin, having to deal with Green, waiting for him to calm down and fucking spill what had happened to Sarawat's lover.
Tine had to be fine. Shit. Sarawat would do anything to have him safe. Please.
<<<REWIND
Tine raised his hands in a cheerleading position that looked like the letter V, stifling a yawn. He was bored out of his mind, they had been practicing the same move for more than half an hour by now and his arms were staring to ache, the gravity dragging them down. He squeezed his eyes shut for a second and tried to disconnect from the tedious task at hand, zooning out for a bit.
His thoughts had been preoccupied with one certain stoic boy recently, as Tine could not get that drunken kiss with Sarawat off his mind. Every time he was with the other boy his eyes betrayed him and strayed to those stunning, bow shaped lips. He had tried to think of all the possible reasons why he could not tear his eyes from the sultry view of Sarawat's features. But Sarawat never mentioned about their stolen moment, by now most likely forgotten and buried in his drunken memories. Tine was conflicted and it made him feel cheated for some stupid reason. So this kept nagging at him, eating him alive and even more so now, as they were tentatively weaving their way into a delicate friendship.
The thing was that Tine had never looked twice at a guy before, but Sarawat was making his straight thoughts break into shambles. It confused Tine that the slight tingling when he was around Sarawat was still present even after they had ended their fake dating. He had even felt jealous when the other boy was being affectionate with girls. And that was something totally new and eye opening for Tine, taking a while to process. He was certainly confused underneath it all but at the same time he kind of wanted to give it a foolish try. His self exploration would certainly not hurt anyone. Right?
So how did one start being gay? Whoops, that had not come our right. Uh, how should Tine act around Sarawat now that he kind of, maybe, wanted to kiss him again?
Which was why he irrationally went in for that kiss while the other boy was teaching him to play the guitar, making Sarawat fall on his ass in shock. Tine winced, scrunching up his nose. He had almost fucked everything up with his ridiculous conclusions. Then again he was not ready for anything serious, he just wanted to explore the strange bond that they seemed to share, to see how strong of a pull there would be if he tugged at it. However, he must have obviously misread the signals. Sarawat had sent him such a wide eyed look that Tine thought the other boy's eyes would roll out of their sockets.
Tine's lips tugged upwards at the memory.
"Tine! What are you smirking about?" The bossy voice of Fang made him blink rapidly, coming back to himself and looking around. Everyone else in the cheerleading squad were snickering at Tine as they had apparently just broken out of their positions for a short break, leaving him to his one man formation on the field.
"Sorry, Phi!" Tine blushed and scurried to get a water bottle for himself by the bleachers, an excuse to flee the spotlight.
***
Sarawat was acting weird. It was not obvious, but after sticking close together, even for a short while, Tine was pretty sure that he could at least tell when the other was acting out of the ordinary. Well, more so than usual. He kept averting his eyes each time Tine caught him staring, which had never happened before. Usually Sarawat would shamelessly stare at him until Tine flushed and had to shyly avert his own gaze instead.
Whenever Tine talked about his dates a furrow had started to show up between Sarawat's dark eyebrows, his sultry lips twisting sourly. Tine could now count in his head to ten before the other boy would just drop whatever he was doing at the moment and scurry off with an obviously fake excuse of having somewhere else to be.
Tine was getting motion sickness from the throws between hot and cold, making him finally conclude that the odd flirting had probably just all been in his head. Shit. Did Tine actually want there to be something between them? His heart beat quicker at these sort of thoughts, making his mouth run dry. Tine was certainly not interested in examining that any closer. It was probably just a fluke, some kind of a dry spell making him look for an outlet in the other boy. Sure, Tine would not mind kissing again but he was not ready for anything more. He was long awaaay from that. How did two guys even have sex?
Okay, fine. Tine was acting stupid. He knew about the notions of the act but he did not want any part of it.
Besides, Sarawat was obviously avoiding him, so Tine should just make it easier on the other boy and let the dust settle. Or maybe it was for Tine's own good, before he exploded when his own feelings finally spiraled out of control. So Tine stopped invading Sarawat's life with childish requests, ceased whining for Sarawat to play covers of Scrubb's songs and stopped inviting himself to Sarawat's messy dorm room. There, setting healthy boundaries had never felt this good.
And then Sarawat announced that he was going to pursue music, suddenly putting miles up on miles of emotionally unavailable distance between them.
Tine's heart stuttered, telling him that nothing was healthy about any of this and he just laughed it off, as always.
***
Tine's friends were trying to cheer Tine up as best they could, which was basically dragging him down to the bar and make him down shots of fiery liquid that burned down his long throat. Tine was an emotional drunk, each shot bringing him closer to bitter tears. He sniffed dryly.
He missed Sarawat. He missed their chill guitar sessions in the other boy's gloomy room, which the musician had no time for any longer. Sarawat was mostly away now, recording, writing songs or whatever they did at agencies. Tine had never missed anyone before this much, besides his three best friends and maybe his uptight brother. Shit. Had Sarawat actually made him gay? Tine's bottom lip wobbled dangerously, fingers slipping around his glass of beer and Tine's friends shared a concerned look over his slumping head. They had to do something fast, Tine was working himself up into a frenzy.
"Hello boys," a girl's voice carried over the table. Tine looked up blearily, squinting his eyes in the dim light of the bar, pink lips stuck on a pout.
"Noomnim," he exclaimed, breaking out into a drunken smile. "Come, sit with us!" He patted the high chair next to him exaggeratingly, almost sliding off his own seat and giggling slightly at how everything was spinning inside his head.
"Yeah, Noomnim," Peuk agreed and leaned away from the table to scrutinize the other two girls standing shyly behind Tine's ex-girlfriend. "They can sit with us too." Peuk made a motion to stand up, planning to fetch additional chairs but Fong was already dragging those over to their tiny table. They boys high fived each other while the girls sat down timidly, whispering with their heads close together.
"Tine, you're drunk," Noomnim chided while taking the seat next to the pale boy, enjoying his closeness as he put a heavy arm around her shoulders, bringing her closer to his wide chest. His bigger was frame engulfing her skinny body. She sighed, snuggling even closer.
"No, it's you who's too sober," Tine said teasingly, round eyes glinting and Noomnim blushed, looking down bashfully. Her hand hesitantly strayed down to his lithe thigh, feeling the ripple of the powerful muscles underneath. This could maybe turn out to be a fun night.
"The drinks are on us!" Ohm boomed excitedly and the girls cheered, clapping their hands.
***
Tine was lonely. There were certainly people around him but he felt so utterly alone inside his head. This time even his friends were at a loss at what to do, trying all sorts of things to bring Tine out of his self inflicted misery but nothing worked and his smiles remained rare. He was feeling hollow, having no clue on how to seal the void inside his chest.
Noomnim had suddenly dropped the news of being pregnant on him and then after three weeks had taken it right back. It was obviously not her fault, only biology ghosting, but the way she had dropped out of his life had hurt. Tine had tried his best to change their situation for the better, he did not love her but he was willing to try, making space for the girl and releasing his fickle grasp on Sarawat. Noomnim however did not want anything to do with Tine once there was nothing binding them down. His fingers felt numb at the blatant rejection. She had not even tried. Tine felt lost. How could some people be so flippant? Did she not realize the sacrifice he might have made for her?
He stared forlornly at his phone, the screen displaying Sarawat's deserted instagram feed. Tine bit his bottom lip, weighing his options. Maybe everything was not lost just yet.
tine_chic:
Hey
How's celebrity life?
It took days before Tine received a reply and when he did, his fine brows arched in pleasant surprise and his cheeks flushed with new vigor, as his eyes skimmed the unexpected message on the social media app.
sarawatlism:
can you prof reed these lyric for me
?
[image attached]
And somehow Tine found himself being the first person to know the contents of Sarawat's new songs time and time again. That is, until Sarawat stopped replying many months later, finally disappearing into the online void and fading out of Tine's life completely.
FORWARD>>>
Tine packed up his things in a hurry, stuffing his sleek laptop into a briefcase, excited to go back home to his boyfriend. He had been wracking his brain all morning on how to confess his feelings to Sarawat. Tine was eager to tell Sarawat that he loved him, now that he finally let himself feel the depth of his affections. Tine's fingers were tingling and he had a hard time keeping a smile off his lips.
His phone buzzed in the pocket of his slacks and he halted at the top of the stairs in front of the company entrance, which was finally void of the crazy crowd that had been lingering around because of Tine. Maybe everyone was right, things seemed to settle back down slowly. He looked at the screen, a furrow forming between his brows.
Green:
Do you know this bitch?
[image attached]
Tine dropped his phone like hot iron out of his suddenly clammy hands. The device was sent rolling with a defeating crash down a couple of steps on the winding staircase, screen glinting in the turnabout, obviously cracked after all the blows it had taken against the pavement.
"Tine, what's wrong? Here, let me get your phone."
Tine looked up sharply, lips parted on a sharp intake of breath, meeting the gaze of his stalker.
***
Sarawat slammed the car door harshly and ran across the parking lot, skidding through the hospital halls. He stopped at the reception desk, leaning over it and breathing heavily, air wheezing in and out of his lungs, wide lips parted. His whole body was radiating anxiousness.
"Tine Teepakorn, which room is he in?" He gasped roughly, blinking the sweat out of his big eyes, eyelashes clumped together and damp. The attending nurse nodded calmly, used to all sorts of people barging in, and looked up the patient data on the monitor that was hidden behind the high desk separating them.
"Room 209-" she barely got to finish her sentence before Sarawat was off again. "Please do not run in the corridors," she stood up and called after him, seeing the man weaving in and out between the other people in the hall. She then furrowed her thin eyebrows as something dawned on her. Was that Sarawat Guntithanon?
Sarawat's heart was beating like crazy behind his ribs, the thumps making his body lurch forward with each step that brought him closer to Tine. He would self destruct if he could not get to his boyfriend any faster.
Tine had to be okay. He needed to be okay.
The room he was looking for was at the end of the hall and Sarawat took a sharp turn, ripping the door open and staggering to a halt in the doorframe. A breath hitched in his throat at the sight. Tine was sitting up in the bed, slowly turning a forlorn look to stare Sarawat, eyes foggy and huge. His head was bandaged and he was sickly pale, shoulders slumped underneath the hospital clothes.
Uh, okay, sitting up was good. Right? At least this seemed way better than what he had been imagining.
"Tine," Sarawat said urgently, his voice breaking slightly as he took a hesitant step inside the room, eyes desperately raking over the bandaged man. Tine's hands gripped the fleece blanket on his lap, eyes flickering minutely over Sarawat's shoulder.
"Who are you?" Tine rasped alarmingly.
Note:
We've reached 30k reads *throws confetti*
Thank you everyone for showing your interest in the story! This has pushed me through some of the hard to write chapters.
And if anyone's interested, I have started on a side fanfic to get rid of the lesser writer blocks that I have been getting while writing Toxic.
Call out my name is a ghost romance story with pairing Tine x Sarawat. I'll be trying to change the writing a bit for this one, since the main focus will be the mystery and not the depth of their complex (and repetitive!) emotions, though the angsty romance will always be the driving factor with my stories. I am also planning to use a more straightforward timeline. Check it out if it seems interesting!
Oh, and any opninions on the rewind/forward icons? Yay or nay?