I held an inward smile yet felt increasingly awkward as we walked down the hallway. I didn’t really know Jim. I’d seen him a few times around school. Before my parent’s incident I’d had him in a few of my school project groups. But other than that I’d never actually talked to him. Certainly not after what happened with my parents. So why had he come to my defense? “Thanks.” I said not really sure of what else to say as he held open the door for me and I walked out into the cold outdoor air.
We entered Maver’s Chevelle and Jim pulled out of the parking spot and onto the road. “I know it’s not my business but did something happen between you two?” he asked taking a turn carefully to get onto the freeway.
Just great. Mission accomplished Logan, now he thinks we’ve had sex. “Me and him… we, I guess, we never… you know. I barely know the guy.” I didn’t know how to say it exactly and it ended up coming out like that. A butchered sentence of denial.
“Oh I didn’t mean like that.” He laughed shaking his head. “Nah I don’t pay attention to what he says anyways. I just meant did you guys get in a fight or something? Like is there a reason he seems to single you out?”
I shook my head. So he’d noticed it to then. I wasn’t imagining things after all. “I don’t know. He just hates me.”
“Should have heard him last night. Kept randomly telling Maver that he should go check on you, that you might have talked someone into the room with you or something. Just real stupid stuff. Couldn’t tell if he was saying it to piss off Maver or fill some hate quota against you for the night but it seemed like Maver just ignored him so I figured it had to be the other one.”
Great so even when I’m not around he’s hating me. Had I done something? Is it because I said he’s not my type? I shrugged and looked out the window. “He’s just a crazie and I don’t pretend to understand him. I think I’m just an easy target.”
Or maybe it’s because he could feel me respond despite my protests and he thought it pathetic that my body wanted him? Thought teasing me was fun and all but that he’d have to make sure I knew it was only that so I don’t get carried away like some lovesick puppy.
I shrugged away the idea and offered Jim a smile. “Thanks for the ride by the way. Maver always backs out on me.”
“Yeah he’s done the same to me a few times.” He nodded knowingly and I told him the directions to my house. “I should probably say sorry.”
His words caught me offguard and I tried to think back to all the short time I’d known Jim. He’d done nothing worth apologizing for. “Sorry for what?”
“Nothing.” He said then paused as if reconsidering his choice of words…well, word. “I mean I’m sorry I’ve done nothing. I’ve seen you alone at school a lot and walking home afterwards and never did anything about it.”
I nodded once. “It’s not a big deal.” And it wasn’t. I didn’t mind the forced solitary confinement that seemed to be placed on me. I really didn’t need pity either.
Jim shook his head. “People talk you know? They say things. And then you start to believe them. I always thought I was raised better but I fell right into it. I wouldn’t say I avoided you since I hardly know you and all but I sure didn’t defend you. And when Maver introduced us I have to admit I was expecting-“
“A self-righteous prude girl who borders on crazy, has absolutely no social skills and enjoys just watching other people like some bizarre creep.” I finished for him reciting just a few of the things I had heard said about me the past few months.
“I was just going to say weird.” He responded, trying at a soft sense of humor, after a second as if wondering whether he’d hurt me or not.
I chuckled. “I’ve heard them all before. Well most anyways. I’m sure there are some new ones floating around.”
As he took the turn onto my street he looked over at me and offered a friendly smile. “Why don’t you talk to people? If they see who you are they’ll realize the stories aren’t real. I mean you’re a nice girl there’s nothing to be afraid of.”
I gave him a small sad smile as I opened the car door and looked over at him. “People don’t want to know who I am. It’s more convenient to have someone to put down than see that I’m just like any other girl out there.”
He knew it was true and didn’t try to deny it. I moved to close the door and before I did he said, “I’ll see you at school tomorrow.”
The plesent buzzing feeling of having someone actually be nice to me was quickly replaced by a feeling of immense desolation. Had I really become someone so alone that a single stranger saying I wasn’t a terrible monster had made me so happy?
I pushed through the doors and into my aunt’s large house. I knew she wouldn’t be home and so I went about my business preparing for the basketball game. I looked to the clock and realized my ride was ten minutes late.
I busied myself with tiding my room. Still my ride did not come. That’s all right, I soothed my nerves, they always got us there an hour early for games anyways. Time dragged on. It wasn’t until I had prepared an overnight bag with a week’s worth of clothing to be brought with to Maver’s next time that I decided to take the initiative and see what was wrong with my ride.
“Hello?”
“Uh hi this is Kara.” I responded to the male voice that answered the phone on the other end.
“Yeah?”
I had no idea who it was and so I asked, “Is Macy there?”
The sound of talking and muffled laughter met my ears before a loud scuffle followed. “Kara?” Macy’s voice finally came through the line.
Before I could say anything she laughed. “Uhm yeah I have no room in my car.” She paused then more giggles erupted in the background. “Since it’s snowy I can’t set my purse on the floor so it’s taking your spot. You understand right?”
I hung up before I could hear anymore. Un fucking believable. I understood them being complete bitches to me because they were so mindless it was their only pathetic attempt at entertainment they could find, but to cut me out of basketball games was just stupid. I was a good player and they knew it. No, a great player. A sudden urge to prove it to them came over me but I was disheartened quickly. I can’t prove myself when I can’t even make it to a game.
And so I did something completely out of character. I dug though my backpack and I pulled apart every last folder of random papers I had shoved in my folders before I found it; the basketball team’s player sheet. It was complete with phone numbers to be reached at. It was for setting up carpools and emergencies. For the reason of emergencies there were all three of the coaches names and number at the top as well. Including a particularly young and well liked assistance coach. Coach Matthers.
If you ever need anything feel free to ask me.
His words rang in my head once more as I finally worked up the courage and pressed the send button my phone. It began to ring and as it reached its third I began to have second thoughts about the whole thing. “Hello?”
His voice came from the end just before I moved to hit the end key and I faltered a second. Speak! “H-hi.” I managed to get out wetting my lips before continuing. “It’s Kara. Is this Coach?”
“Yeah, where are you? Aren’t you almost to the game yet?”
I paused trying to find a non alarming way to word it. “Uhm, Coach, could you give me the address to where the game is?”
He paused and I didn’t hear anything for a few moments. “It’s Laire Marrington School. 108th street, town of Oack.” He informed me. “Why? Did you get lost?”
I paused. Oack. That was… I closed my eyes picturing a map of the counties. Too far for a taxi. “No.” I responded dismayed. I couldn’t make it in time. Even if I left now I’d make it a few minutes into the game. “Actually I can’t make it Coach.” I’d wanted so badly to prove they needed me. I knew they did.
“What? Kara what is going on?” he asked and I could sense the disappointment in his voice.
“Nothing. I’m sorry Coach.”
“I never pegged you for the type to abandon your team.”
For some reason this hurt. I hadn’t abandoned them. They’d abandoned me. I wanted to say it but I couldn’t. “I know.”
He was silent for a long while. “Why can’t you come?”
I sighed and decided it would be best to just tell him the truth. “My ride fell through and forgot to tell me so I didn’t know till I called.” I explained trying not to get anyone in trouble. Last thing I needed was for them to hate me even more than they already did. “There’s no ride I can call and besides, I live too far. I’d be late anyways.”
Coach Matthers sighed. “Well where are you?”
“My aunts- er, home.” I corrected myself. “My house. I was just calling to let you know I can’t make it. Sorry again Coach.” I sighed and hung up before he’d say any more.